WS received the letter today. He called me from work, OW called him and let him know. He wanted to know what it said so I did. He asked if that's what I want. He then asked why I told him I wouldn't retain the Lawyer. then did. Well I said after we hung up I thought about it and though why should I listen to a man who is away in FLA. with his lover. No reply from him. He also asked if I filed I said no you would have been served. He was somewhat relieved. He said we would talk later but he never called back. I'm certain he is trying to regroup. So I guess I just need to wait alittle longer(7days)to see if this is what he truly wants. NOW I'M WORRIED EVEN MORE, but at least I showed him some self respect.<BR>If he never mentioned mediation I would have never gone to the Lawyer.<BR>I was glad he did not blow up like I thought he would. I figure if he truly wants a divorce he would have gotten mad that I did not wait until he served me with the iniation of mediation papers.<BR>I sent him an e-mail in the am and said alot of encourging things to him and he did mention it, asked what about what you said in your e-mail. I said everything I wrote is true. I love you and forgive you, but now is the time that you must truly look at what you want. <BR>I do hope someway this shakes him into reality and out of that deep fog. If not,then I made my own bed.

Is it really worth the pain he is putting you through? Personally if I did not have children I wouldn't put up with it. But I don't know about your specific situation.

Correction: You said "If not,then I made my own bed." He is with OW. It sounds to me like he made his own bed. You did great. You gave him love and firmness and an option for him to make his choice. You showed respect for yourself and at the same time demand respect from him. That is a very attractive character trait. He's gotta love that. and if not then it is his loss. You have value and worth and deserve to be respected. if he can't respect you then you don't need him. I applaud you - Hugs and hang in there. I know your desire is for restoration - I hope you get what you want.

Here, here to NOTHEARD - I totally agree. I myself haven't reached the point of issuing the papers, but I think I will proceed exactely like that. I too, want to reconcile, but I won't wait for forever either. The world is full of millions of people, and at least one of them has got to be decent and want the same things that I do. I can choose to ignore that option and keep hanging on, or I can wake up every morning and know that at least I tried, I was decent and that it wasn't my fault. Here's to having courage!<P>

FDH-WS,<P>Careful on your advice. It is easy to use children as a reason for trying to save a troubled marriage. It is almost as if those who have no children and are still trying to save are in some way doing the "wrong" thing or "wasting" their time just because their marriage is "on the rocks".<P>Well from someone who was left and who had no children in the marriage and who is now divorced, I made sure I did everything ("everything") in my power to try and save my marriage. Because I made a vow to my wife, to myself and to God. I did not pledge "for better or for worse, or if my spouse cheats on me and hurts me", I vowed "for better and for worse" - children or no children. I believe that a wedding vow is a one-sided agreement - not once in the ceremony is it ever mentioned that a marriage is "conditional" on your spouse's actions. And neither is love. You don't truly love someone, just because they love you - I still love my X, and believe me it is not because of any love she has shown me in the past 2 years - I love her because I do and in some ways I always will. Does that make me sound "sad" or "pathetic" and unable to move on? To some, maybe. But you know what - don't care....<P>But I digress! <P><BR>If Lostinny is trying whatever she feels like she has to do, to save her marriage, then more power to her. All my attempts failed, but one thing stands clear - Next time I get into a relationship (and maybe married), I will KNOW, hands down, that when/if things get bad - real bad - I will have the strength and devotion to "stick it out" and trust in love. The sad part about my X is she won't be able to feel that way - If she ever makes those vows again, in the back of her mind she will have to be thinking "I hope this one works out, I hope I am strong enough to make THIS one work".... So for all those who are on the "short end of the stick" in their separation/divorces, do what you feel you need to do to save your marriage. Trust me that even if you fail and it doesn't work out, you will still feel good about yourself and your actions....<P>Just a thought...<BR>God Bless,<BR>Mike

Thanks for the advice Mike - it really makes sense. I just want to encourage your ideas as well. I am still sitting on the fence, just over 3 weeks now. It hurts like hell and there is still "no conclusion" in his mind what he wants. I've implemented both plan a and b at this point, have offered to go to counseling, and have committed to be amicable should this end in divorce. I think I've done everything that I could, even to remind him that I vowed to him "for better or worse, in sickness and health". I think his actions are revealing a certain kind of sickness. This puts me in an awful position of having to decide which way to go - stay, hope he recovers and works out his issues, or leave and get on with my life. No easy answer here - just lots of prayers and contenplations. In the end, I will offer it up to God to point me in the right direction, knowing that I have done all that I could to restore the relaitonship that He joined together.<P>Just some thoughts!

OMG now I know why my WS had little reaction to the letter. He just told me he filed last week. I can't believe it! Then he was trying to tell me we could use one lawyer. I said what do you think, now that you did file I will need a lawyer. No you don't it can always be stopped. Who id kidding who, at least he started to cry which showed me has some compassion in him. He then proceeded to tell me he hass quite afew questions now that the ball is rolling and is not sure he will continue. Then he said that my lawyer will use up all of the money. He was trying to get me to fire my lawyer. Why so I can't turn around and jet the 5thou back after it is final!<BR>That man, who is he? Perhaps since he mentioned the money I am sure it has to do alot with it. Then he asks if I can forgive him, what do you think, if it comes down us being divorced, I will eventually have to for the sake of our children.<BR>I wish I found this board back in Nov, when he left us. Maybe it never would have gotten this far. Now my hopes are truly gone, this man that I used to respect has nothing left for me to respect. \<BR>I will be back for much more support soon. This is going to be so hard for me. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, HE HASEN"T EVEN TOLD OUR CHILDREN. <BR>Anyone gone through the process? when should I receive the papers since he filed?<BR>

You said he's In florida? Did he file in Florida? Florida<BR>is a community property state..and he's had to be here for six months in order to file in this state..don't give up your lawyer..keep HIM/HER...to protect yourself..he will have to give a full financial disclouse..and if he refuses..you can insist that he does..bank statements for the past three months..all bills and such for the past three months..you'll be asked to fill out what YOUR expenses are..<BR>don't fudge in this area...write down everything, what you spend on clothes for your kids..what your projected spending will be..(remember the cost of living increase as well) kids clothes get more expensive..also add child care if you pay it..if you'd like to go to school to continue your education..you can get a rehabilitative alimony..so you can add that to a future expense..if you have daughters..think of all the feminin needs products they will need as an expense..include also toiletries and everything in your expenses...but remember to think about<BR>the needs of YOUR kids..and don't worry about HOW angry he's going to be..as my lawyer said...most women w/ kids try to keep the peace no matter what for the sake of the kids and they don't get what they deserve..like half the retirement..<BR>insurance policies..half of any investments...think..whats best for your kids..not just you..and not about lets just get this over with..

From an Ohio attorney doing primarily domestic work. I generally tell my female clients to shift the focus to me if their husband is angry about a letter or something filed with the court. This generally works, but still, be careful. Do not give up your attorney under any circumstances. It is true in Ohio in a dissolution, or even a divorce, one attorney is used, but that attorney can only ethically represent one person. In this case it would be him. Also, don't accept as a statement of fact he has filed or even has an attorney. Most men live it up to wife to get something started. If he left in November, depending on time requirements in Florida, he may be able to file there. In Ohio, you need to be a resident for six months and there are some arguments, maybe, he is not a resident of Florida. However, when children are involved, you can file in your state also and issues of custody, etc. will probably be in your state. Ask your attorney about the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction Act(UCCJA). At this point I would move quickly to speak with my attorney so you understand not only your options, but yoiur rights. Be careful when communciating with him(husband) especially things in writing. You may say something that can twisted and used against yoiu. Best of luck to you and again, if anybody wants to give up their attorney, let him do it.Lee<P>------------------<BR>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by bear13lee:<BR>[B]From an Ohio attorney doing primarily domestic work. I generally tell my female clients to shift the focus to me if their husband is angry about a letter or something filed with the court. <P>He was not angry, just asked me if that was what I wanted,, I said no. Then he tells me he already filed with a lawyer before I retained mine.<P>I live in New Jersey, he has been living with his STPGF in Manhattan for the past 9mos. I do not know where he filed.<P>This generally works, but still, be careful. Do not give up your attorney under any circumstances. It is true in Ohio in a dissolution, or even a divorce, one attorney is used, but that attorney can only ethically represent one person. In this case it would be him.<P>Is he now responsible for my fees as well since he filed first? He is trying to talk me out of keeping my lawyer.<P>Please help I am going crazy, crying all of the time. I can't let my children 4,7 + 9 see me like this.<BR>

First, hang in there. Second, do not give up your attorney. Third, your feelings are natural and you do not have to hide them from the kids. Fouth, sometimes, I suggest to my clients to go to professional counseling. You do have to be strong to care for three young children. Fifth, I do not know the laws of the states involved, but most do award attorney fees to "level the playing field." The important thing, no matter how difficult, try to be strong. Sooner or later it will be over. Talk with friends, not about or for legal advice, but about how you feel. I draw strength from God-draw it from whatever source you can. You'll be okay. I'll be thinking about you. Try to smile:>! <P>------------------<BR>

I am going to just lose it tonight. My daughters have gone to sleep but my son keeps comming into my room crying about a Beanie Baby he wanted to get today. I told him he needed to wait until he made enough from his chores to buy it. <BR>Since my WS has filed he will need to pay for my fees. is that correct! I can't believe it when I'm down he kicks me even futher.<BR>How long before I am served, does anyone know? <BR>When my lawyer sent him the letter she gave him 7 days to respond, what should I tell her. I do not know what his lawyers name is.<BR>I WILL NO GIVE HER UP. SHE IS VERY, VERY GOOD. <BR>I truly thought he had love for me. Why he became offended when I did not kiss him on the Lips 2 sundays ago. Is that why he filed!<BR>Thank god I just started the children in counceling this past week. I took them to mine and they really opened up to her. I think I am going to need much more counceling when this is all said and done.<BR>I am too frightened to even think about dating ever. But that would not be fair to me. I have way to many good qualities to not want to share them. I also have these 3 beautiful children who deserve a good male role model in their lives.<BR>HOW WILL I MAKE IT NOW THAT HE HAS STARTED DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS?<BR>

((((Lost)))<P>Dam I'm sorry, dear. I remember when I told my now x that I had retained a lawyer, she went ballistic on me. What I didn't know at the time was that she had filed 2 days prior and was trying to screw me on the way out.<P>""HOW WILL I MAKE IT NOW THAT HE HAS STARTED DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS?""<P>You have no choice on how you will make it now. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. You have three children that really need their mother right now and you are going to be strong for them. Take care of yourself.<P>Hugs, Prayers, & Thoughts<P><P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Lostinny,<P>YOU WILL SURVIVE! YOU WILL MAKE IT. And I know it is hard to hear right now, but you will grow in ways you can't imagine. Stay true to the person you are - try as hard as you can to NOT let anger take control (it will be a huge temptation). Things will get tough - A divorce often presents more problems than answers. It is a shame that so many selfish and uninformed people think this process will actually "help" them. Unfortunately it only takes one spouse to get divorced and we as the BS are forced to go along for the ride.<P>Protect yourself via your lawyer, but be sure you keep your lawyer in-check. Nothing against lawyers, but they are emotionally removed from the situation and they have many other cases going on at the same time. If you don't communicate effectively with them, they may misjudge how you want to handle things and the divorce can quickly take a nasty turn.<P>My X left me about a year and 4 months ago. Our divorce was finalized about 4 months ago. I chose to let her do what she wanted - while I wasn't a "welcome matt" for her to wipe her feet on, I did understand that material items were not what was important. It is a little different for you since you have children and you need to look out for their well-being as well. I chose to take the "higher road" and I am so glad I did - everyone - friends, family, aquaintances, told me time and time again to be a "jerk" to hurt her like she was hurting me. I didn't. I chose to focus on the love I had for her. Sure she was hurting me - Last year was by far the worst year of my entire existence. But still I treated her with respect and love. She began bad-mouthing me around town, I chose to remain silent and say nothing "bad" about her. People soon made up their own minds and realized who was doing what.<P>Now here I am a year and a half later. Scars that still show. A heart that is still broken. But I still love my wife - I always will. My love was never conditional on her love for me. I accept that and I will live with it. I have recently began casually dating again. And the smile that used to be a fixture on my face has begun to return more and more each day. Memories of our life together which sometimes used to bring me to uncontrollable tears now bring a smile to my face (with one or two tears in my eyes).<P>Garth Brooks has a song called "The Dance" - In it he sings that "if I only knew how the king would fall, then who's to say, you know I might have changed it all.....but then I would have missed 'The Dance'". I guess what I am trying to say is that even though my wife chose to destroy our marriage and she put me through a living hell, I feel sooooo much stronger for having survived! And while she can take away my marriage, she can never steal the many, many good memories we shared together.<P>So if the divorce proceedings continue, hunker down and dig yourself in - it is going to be a long road. BUT, don't lose hope - hope is a funny thing, it exists as long as you want it to. Keep your faith alive and try to be the bigger person (chances are your husband may begin acting like a spoiled child - sad to say but it may be true).<P>I feel for you, I really do - I so remember the pain AND I'm a guy! Nothing is supposed to "hurt" a man, right? Well there were times I cried so hard, my chest hurt. There were times I wanted her to come back so bad, my stomach hurt. And I am not ashamed to admit any of this. I put my trust in God and I never looked back - Even at the worst times I never struck out against HIM. Then something amazing began to happen - even though my wife did not come back, other prayers I had prayed began to be answered in ways I never could have imagined. While I did not get everything I asked for, I now see I received everything I NEEDED.<P>God Bless and keep,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Hi there,<P>Are you absolutely sure that he has retained a lawyer? He might be spinning you a line, considering you haven't received anything yet. It's a possibility that he just told you that to get your goat....

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my question. Unfortunatley I posted it twice so I have to go two different places for responses. If he really has filed, and I go back to what I said before, and agree with Nina Too, he may not even have an attorney. The best thing to do is tell your attorney exactly what he said to you. Assume he has filed or is going to and do it first. Divorce cases almost never go to trial. They are either settled or sometimes, people reconcile and get back together. My advice on conciliation is to try it if you want, but don't dismiss. Sometimes a person-your husband-may use that as a ploy if things are not going his way. If you dismiss, he is free for the time being and you would have to start over if there is no change in behavior or attitude. Keeping the case pending while you attempt to resolve issues will give you the opportunity, hopefully, to see how sincere he is. Hang in there. Lee<P>------------------<BR>

Thank you all for your help. I am feeling better today. I just took my son and hi buddy to the movies Jurassic Park 3. Thought it was a good idea, but even that movie made me cry. For those of you who saw it you will understand.<BR>Now back to my situation. I called my lawyer today and she also feels that he has not filed in NY or anywhere. If he were to file in NY he would have to have been a resident for 1 year. He still has his car registered here and all of his mail. So what kind of game is he playing? Is he trying to get me to fire my lawyer by making me beleive he has one in NY already making the complaint? My lawyer said if he did file I would need to retain councel in NY. I am originally from NY and that is where we were married.<BR>To top all of it my STP Anniversary is on the 21 of this month (13yrs)along with my youngests birthday on the 26.<BR>To all who said I should be angry now, I can't do it. I am a person who forgives easly but never forgets.<BR>I also have to mention that I asked him when I would be served by the sherrif and he could not tell me. I think this alien that has taken over his body (which he believes in that kind of thing) needs to get more information before he opens his mouth again.<P>Also today my son had a hard day. All due to my STPWS. At camp they had a talent show and he was to dance with the other children. He was very sad and crying before leaving this morning. He said he did not want to go. Now here is a child that enjoyed being in a school play, plays the cello in the school orchestra and loves to dance with his friends. Well now I know why he was upset. Of all the song in the world his councelors had to pick NY, NY and that is where his dad has been living all of these months. When I saw this I started to cry, I know that he is truly suffering and cannot understand totally why.<BR>Thanks to all again,<BR>GOD KNOWS I NEED HIM MORE THEN EVER AND I WILL NOT TURN AWAY FROM HIM AGAIN.<BR>Dale

I would believe your state has adopted the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction Act which means custody and other issues regarding the children would be determined in your state even he files elsewhere. My guess based on experience is that he has not filed anything. Don't waste time-file now. Get him served and keep the case in your own state where modifications later regarding the kids, if ever necessary, will be where you live, not in some other state(assuming you don't file and invoke the UCCJA. Your attorney will know what it is. After he is served, you can work out things later, including reconciliation if that is in the cards. Be strong, keep your faith, and file now. Forgiving and forgetting are two different things and the ideal person would be able to do both, but not too many people fall into that category. Protect yourself and your children by filing NOW and sort it out later. Best to you. Lee<P>------------------<BR>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by bear13lee:<P><BR> My guess based on experience is that he has not filed anything. Don't waste time-file now. Get him served and keep the case in your own state where modifications later regarding the kids, if ever necessary, will be where you live, not in some other state(assuming you don't file and invoke the UCCJA. Your attorney will know what it is. After he is served, you can work out things later, including reconciliation if that is in the cards. Be strong, keep your faith, and file now. Forgiving and forgetting are two different things and the ideal person would be able to do both, but not too many people fall into that category. Protect yourself and your children by filing NOW and sort it out later. Best to you. Lee<P>So Lee in your experience the when someone says they filed it is just some sort of ploy to get more time? What difference would it make to him by telling me such a thing? Does he think that my Lawyer would tell me that I need a new Lawyer, one from NY? This is what makes me nuts. I am now filling out the insurance form and finishing up my statement on what has happened from May backwards to the day he left. This way my attorney can get the ball rolling.<BR>I did say I could forgive and forgetting is something I can do but it will not be an over night thing. I have have forgiven many wrongs in my life and by forgetting, I still remember some but they are never brought up nor are they ever thought of again, unless someone brings them up. Forgetting is something I need to work on.<BR>You are great for helping me out. I do appreciate it very much.<BR>Sincerely, Dale