My story is under the title, "8 1/2 years changed in one month, where'd my wife go?". I'm been considering confronting the Other Man with a face to face meeting. I know my wife doesn't want that because I could definitely scare her new love away(I'm 6'3" 230 and he's 5'10" 180). I feel like walking up and threatening him to stay away from my wife. Will this make her run to him more? <P>I called him one time at his work(the same place my wife works) and asked him 3 questions before he hung up. <P>1. What are your intentions with my wife? OM, "I don't have any intentions with your wife." in the most wimpy, scared voice ever! <P>2. What promises have you made my wife? OM, "I haven't promised your wife anything." "We're just friends."<P>3. Do you think it's ok to mess around with a married woman and to put yourself between...."Click" He hung up.<P>I called back and left a message with the secretary of his department to give to him. I said tell OM this, "Stay away from other peoples wives and stay away from married woman!" I know it was redundant, but I know he got the message.<P>My question is, now that I'm doing Plan B, should I even think about trying to meet and talk with this guy. I know his answers were both lies, because my wife told me how OM was telling her if her marriage didn't work out, that he would pray to God everyday that their life together would be perfect. He's also called my wife an angel from heaven and that she's reached angel status on earth, which few people reach. Not to mention the famous, "Have you ever modeled?" line. How could my wife be so stupid as to fall for this crap! He's 42 and she's 23! I feel like he's manipulating her big time! <P>Not sure what to do, <BR>FF63<BR>

Physical intimidation would be a bad idea. <P>You know about him. He knows you know. She knows you know. That's pretty much enough for Plan B to either bring her back or not (I did not say succeed or fail ... properly executed, it's almost always a success at keeping you sane).

"He's also called my wife an angel from heaven and that she's reached angel status on earth, which few people reach. Not to mention the famous, "Have you ever modeled?" line."<P><Gag, sputter, cough..........> Sorry....<P>I'd leave the guy alone. You may get temporary satisfaction for too high a price, especially at his workplace. "Harassment" would probably stick! <P>The only person you can control is yourself! Hang in there, I know it is tough!<P>Gayle

Very few people think like us FinalFantasy 63. But I think for me (and probably you) there is a place of healing and closure that comes from it. While I think face to face is a VERY bad idea. I felt like I had to communicate something to that person. They can't just rip my life apart and have no consequence. I think a letter or email is a good idea. Since you know where he works you can mail him a letter. The key about the letter is that it is nonconfrontational. Some counselors recommend a letter and not mailing but I think whats the point to that. 1) Express what is driving your anger without expressing your anger. In other words express your pain and sadness. If you express your anger he will think "well he's crazy, no wonder she left him" if you express your pain and sadness he may feel some remorse and then again he may not which brings me to 2) no expectations. You put what you want to put and expect nothing in return from him. No apology, no acknowledgement, nothing in return. 3) let others read your letter before you send it, pastor, friend, or your online buddy's. 4) take lots of time, allow some of the anger to subside and the source of the pain to surface so it comes across as sincere. By the way I recommend reading all books by Henry Claude and Robert Townsend. There is a book they wrote called Boundaries which I think helped me realize if I don't get some things out of me they will brew and explode. at the same time I am only responsible for myself, I have a responsibility to express myself but I also need to allow others to be themselves and I can't force a reaction or expect one. You can read more about the authors (they are Christians) and their thoughts at <A HREF="http://www.cloudtownsend.com/Articles/prev_articles.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.cloudtownsend.com/Articles/prev_articles.htm</A> <P>I sent an email to the OW. She never responded. I also spoke on phone and face to face with OOW (not a typo - other other women - more than one). the face to face denied it. She was ugly - by the way. the phone conversation - she said it was none of her business and to talk to my husband. Here is the email I sent to the OW. He sent her an email breaking it off with her again and I chose not to take him back anyway. <BR>OW,<BR>(husband name) sent you an email that said he has hurt some<BR>people by continuing an inappropriate relationship<BR>with you. (husband name) is a grown man and he is responsible for his own actions but you did play a part in it. My God says to love you and bless you and pray for you. Although I am mad at you I will pray you will never<BR>have to go through the pain and heartbreak that my<BR>family is experiencing now. I did feel like I had a<BR>responsibility to share my heart because me and my<BR>kids are real people with real feelings and real hurt.<BR>(wife name)<P>FinalFantasy 63 I think we have a responsiblity to communicate something to them. Here is a part of an article from The Simple Scoop on Boundaries By Henry Cloud, Ph.D.<BR>God has given us a duty, to limit the effect<BR>that evil choices that people make can have on life.<BR>One of the best examples of that is in Matthew<BR>18:15-18. It is the role of us to take a stand and<BR>“bind” evil as it presents itself. Read Psalms 101 for<BR>a great description of how David thought about the<BR>things that must be bound so that the evil of others<BR>would not “cling” to him.<P>In addition, He wants us to limit the effect that the<BR>evil is having on their life as well. He wants us to<BR>restore those who get “caught up,” by evil. We are to<BR>put boundaries on the cancer that is destroying them<BR>and be redemptive in their lives. (Gal. 6:1)<P>God is about Life. He is about restoring good things.<BR>And to do that, evil things must be held in check and<BR>transformed. He has given us many tools to perform<BR>this function of the salt that seasons the earth:<BR>Truth and Commands <BR>Confrontation <BR>Rebuke <BR>Exhortation <BR>Forgiveness <BR>Group Intervention <BR>Consequences <BR>Discipline <BR>Restoration <BR>Limit Setting <BR>Separation <BR> <A HREF="http://www.cloudtownsend.com/Articles/prev_articles.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.cloudtownsend.com/Articles/prev_articles.htm</A> <P>I hope this helps!

2 more thoughts 1) take a long time writing it because this should be the ONLY time you communicate - have your say, say your peice then leave it alone. One contact should be all that is necessary. it should not be an ongoing thing. Try and make it short - he is obviously insensitve so you want to make sure it is short simple and to the point so he doesn't get bored and stop reading. 2) By the way I got no response from my email so it was good that I prepared myself for that.

Okay...what do you hope to accomplish by contacting the OM?<BR>to get him to stay away from your wife?<P>okay so let me ask you these simple questions..<P>1. does your wife have a free will to see OM?<BR>2. Can you control who your wife see's?<BR>3. Is your wife a possession?<P>I ask these questions only because I have found that when <BR>someone tries to tell someone else to "stay" away from the<BR>other person they are looked at by not just the WS but also<BR>the OP as a controlling person..They are trying to control<BR>their spouse..and you may get the response that..When she<BR>tells me to stay away..then I will..but until I hear that<BR>from her..she's an adult and can make her own decisions...<BR>(which is ultimately true) and Personally...I think your WS<BR>will resent you for telling her who she can and can't be friends with..even if it is to save your marriage..I say that because it makes you sound like a "Parent" and NOT a spouse..<P>you say you have been together 8 1/2 years..and she's only<BR>23 yrs old..that means she was a child when you met her..what 14 years old??? so she's probably growing up..and changing..you say he's 42, how old are you? you didn't say..<P>And to let you know..14 is a young age to start a serious relationship..and really to young in my humble opinion to <BR>know that you want to spend the rest of your life with one<BR>person..because you go through many emotional changes during those teenage years..and you change even more as you hit your 20's..and even 30's..your needs change..your personality is still changing..just some things to consider..and remember...you don't own her..she is an adult..and she's probably going to rebel against you if<BR>you try to be her parent and not her friend..and husband..<P><BR>

Please don't confront other man.<BR>1. Your wife will not respect you anymore if you do.....<BR>2. Why put yourself thru that.<BR>3. Just remember you are the better person here.......<BR> That is just what I would do... sorry for the 2cents...<BR>Janet

Hi there,<P>I confronted OW over the phone. I only did it because she first harrassed me on our home phone, got one of her friends to phone and ask for my husband because he was away and she didn't know. Since I knew her mobile number, I called her back, and told her if SHE had anything to say to me then say it. Boy, did she ever!!!<P>Big regret of mine. I wish I'd taken the higher road and simply said "Please don't call my home number again", and hung up. I think I would have looked a LOT better in my H's eyes, although he was furious with her, and also she wouldn't have phoned me constantly for the next week until we got our home number changed.<P>Please don't put yourself through the pain. For what? You won't change a single thing. I didn't...he left anyway, and I believe now the affair never ended the whole six or seven months we were reconciled.<P>Sorry, I know what you want to do and it might make you feel good for a little while, but really, from experience here, and just over the phone....don't do it!!!

Thanks for all of the great advice, I really think that I won't do anything to contact the OM and that I'll just continue plan B'ing it. My story is under the posting, "8 &1/2 years changed in 1 month, where'd my wife go?" <P>I'm 25 and my wife 23. We met in High School, I was a Junior and she was a Freshman. We got along great and never fought. We both loved each other very much and we did grow together. We were able to maintain a great relationship all through college and even 2 years of marriage. I think yeh, it was young to start, but I never proposed until she was 20 and I was 21. How she totaly changed in one month or her first six months out of college and in the real world is mind boggling to me. The person she has been in this last month is no one that I would ever want to be with. I think she snapped! <P>Right now I can say that she is the person that I love the most in the world, and also the person I hate the most in the world. I want the person I married back, and if she really just grew into this new person, well, I'd have to say bye bye even though I totally don't believe in divorce. I would like nothing more than to keep my vows, but I can't save a marriage when the other person doesn't want to. <P>Thank you everyone for your advice. I'd love some more feed back on the post, "8 and 1/2 years changed in one month, where'd my wife go?" It's a long story, but I wanted it to be detailed. <P>Thanks and God Bless,<P>FF63

Hi<BR>It kinda looks like the person you married no longer is here, but she turned into someone else... My opinion would be keep up with the plan b. You are the better person here. Just remember it is her lost and some other wonderful women's gain. When the right one comes along.<BR>Wishing you well<BR>Janet

FF63,<P> Your story sounds much like mine. My wife and I have been together since I was a Junior and she was a freshman. We have been married almost 7 years.<BR> Now her refusal to give up infidelity (much more than one guy)has brought an end to a beautiful love story. This is the worst time in my life and it seems like there can never be happiness again. This will take a long time to get over and I am trying to concentrate on what I still have and my goals. My wife has moved out and my son and I live alone. This is going to send shock-waves through our known world when word gets out.<BR> If you want to talk sometime (anyone in a similar situation is also welcome), email me at senornaldo@hotmail.com . I for one, feel very alone. I haven't even brought myself to tell my best friends yet. This is a terrible time.<P>DS