Is there really a fine line between love and hate?? I think I have crossed over to the "dark side" <P>I have moved thru this process completely friendly, he lives here (long story)- sleeps on the pull out sofa now- tries like crazy to love me- but every day I'm falling farther and farther down the hill!!!<P>I feel so much anger and hatred towards him- it has been consuming my whole week!!! (sorry- crying and frustrated- needing a good vent i suppose!)<P>I keep rolling over questions in my head that have been unasked for these past 5 months- I never have wanted to know details of his numerous A's- was that a smart move?? Where you glad you didn't know? I feel so left out in the dark about everything- I got sick of asking questions and getting bits and pieces- and I heard from so many people that I would really be better off not knowing- then it would be less to forget- but for crying out loud!! I don't even know what all of his OW looked like or were like at all!! It is driving me batty for some reason right now.<P>I also think I might be pregnant- which presents a whole nother set of problems- but doesn't deviate me from my plan to divorce because I am struggling with those types of questions and bad memories also...those memories of happiness that have been taken from me because of his actions are the most hurtful of all. (memories surrounding births and young baby stages of my kids and also the miscarriage I had when he waited all of like three days before going home for three hours of sex with a coworker <P>It has gotten to the point that I don't care at all what happens to him, not even friendly concern, is this normal???<P>I have so long to wait before I can even file- and I SO WANT this to be friendly for my three kids sake- HELP ME!!??? He keeps turning things around on me- he says and acts like he loves me- and he thinks i'm sneaking around on him with other men and stuff now WHICH IS TOTALLY FALSE and the more he tells me I'm lying the angrier I get.<P>We are AGAIN being thrown together because of finances now- how am I going to live with him these next 6 months til I can file???? Are there any suggestions for setting boundaries?? Is it reasonable to pretend as we are divorced and he spend time with the kids seperate from me??<P>I'm so anxious right now.<P>Thanks for letting me vent- I'll keep you posted on the results of my pregnancy test- please keep your fingers crossed that I get a MINUS SIGN <P>Thanks!<BR>TLFM

I think hate is something that we have to work at, I have prayed for my ex and prayed not to have the anger and resentments I have. I do realize these are my feeling and there is nothing wrong with having feelings whetheer good or bad, it is how I respond to my feelings that matter and make the difference how I will come out of this mess. You are allowed to be angry and feel indifferent to him. take care of yourself.<P>

It sounds like you are in desparate need of space. Space and time to heal and think which is impossible with him there. Is there anyway you can go visit family or friends for a couple weeks? or can he stay with a coworker (male) or a friend or family member.

Well- I am pregnant- I found out last night!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!<P>OH MAN!! Now what!!????<P>Can things get any more of a pain for me!!! Of course- it had to be like the ONLY time we had sex this past month- GEEZ!!!! Weak moment- bad decision and now throwing another log on the fire!!!<P>I have done alot of thinking- I can't bring my feelings back for him- and I also know that I don't think I can have an abortion (goes against every grain of my moral fibers)- <P>Another piece in the jigsaw puzzle of JUNK- I guess I will be a single mom of a 12, 9, 4 year old and NEWBORN by the time I am divorced from him<P>In the famous words of the little pudge yellow bear in a red shirt- "Oh Bother" <P>TLFM<P>ps. I am setting some boundaries this weekend- going to try and come up with a good plan for these next six months. I think, if he loves me like he says he does, that he will be willing to give me the space I need- and to not demand to be part of this now pregnant situation.<P>Thanks for your responses.<BR>

Sounds Rough! But hang in there! I think space will do you some good. I think you should mention it to him as a time to think and just be separate. My husband had numerous affairs too and I am getting a divorce but I will tell you... once we separated for 2 years and I didn't ever think I would ever feel anything for him again. But time healed my wounds and 2 years later we got back together. Of course, now I am going through it again but that doesn't mean it will happen for you that way. Be patient, take your time, be apart for as long as you need. He will probably be more amicable if he thinks he has a chance anyway. <P>I should take some of my own advise. People keep telling me to wait before i divorce him and my response is "what am I waiting for, I have been waiting 11 years and nothing has changed". But you know, I have been praying. There is nothing in me that wants this marriage but I do pray if it is God's will for Him to change my heart. So far he hasn't. <P>But it worked when I quit drinking. I would pray Lord I don't want to quit drinking but if it is your will change my heart and make me want to quit. 1 year later I quit and haven't had a drink in 5 years. <P>But as far as this marriage goes. I secretly hope God doesn't change my heart (if you can keep secrets from God) but I am open to Him changing it if that is what He wants - it'll take a miracle but it is possible. <P>

TLFM,<P>Is it too late? You can be the only one to decide that. Your pregnancy complicated things for sure, and I feel for you! <P>The morning my h left, he asked to have sex one more time before he left. I said no, and that I would not have sex with him while this separation was going on. Well it's only been 4 weeks, and my resolve is still up, but you never know.... <P>((((((((((((TLFM))))))))))))))<P>I can't offer any advice. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you in situation.<BR>Nina.<P>

TooLateForMe?<P>Boy, you are in a pickle, aren't you? It must be awfully, awfully hard on you to have to expend this kind of energy on your relationship AND have a baby on the way now too. <P>Okay, I am going to give you some straight shootin' thoughts, and I hope they don't offend you, but it's time to talk turkey. I am in the same boat that you are in. My H has had many EAs and even PA over the fifteen years that we have been together. For most of the time, I did not really want to believe it was true, but I also sort of knew in my heart that he was turning to other women. Needless to say, this radically messed with my self-esteem and thus my courage and boundaries and just everything.<P>Fast forward to last year. He left me for another woman: two kids, no job, mortgage 3 months behind, bills up the ying yang, and not one dime of support. It was almost as if he just wanted to erase us from his life--and that's how I felt--erased. However, like you, I was lucky enough, brave enough, and strong enough to pull myself together and do what I had to do for myself and my family. See? We are on similar tracks, aren't we? Now, fast forward to now. We tried to reconcile and he chose to continue to be verbally abusive to me--just as he had been through most of our marriage, but this time, I had grown too much to accept that kind of behavior again. We are currently separated, and today he did something that REALLY hurt me. TLFM, I am telling you all this so that you know that I am a co-warrior in this battle and I'm not just talkin' the talk--I'm also walkin' the walk. <P>Here's the thing. There is a thin line between love and hate. In fact, I think they are like two sides of the same coin. There are days when I must confess, I hate my H for what he did and what he has done--to himself, to me, to the kids, to our marriage and to our family. And what for? A damn thrill!! It's so damn painful, I just am so angry at him that it's like a mountain. And TLFM, what you are talking about is almost exactly the same mountain. It is a gigantic mountain of resentment over EVERYTHING: the years that you were naive, the years that you waited and longed for him when he was screwing around, the years of lying, the flaunting, the struggling you had to do because of him, the nights you sat up crying, the nights you cried alone because he was with his slut, the nights the kids cried and you couldn't tell them why their daddy wasn't home, the times he blamed you for his infidelity, the screaming and yelling...I could go on and on for pages, but you can see that this mountain of resentment is HUGE!!!<P>So, the real question is: how do you get over it? How can you turn that resentment mountain back into a mole hill? Well, for one thing, the behavior that causes the resentment has got to stop. If he's still out catting around, your resentment is just going to build and you can't stop it. For another thing, he has got to hit a point in his life when he is sincerely sorry for what he has done to you and how he has hurt you. The problem is that many folks are too proud to ever reach that day, so you TLFM are going to have to change your own attitude a little too. Some of the resentment decreased for me when I tried to look only at each day as it occurred--as if it was a whole new day. Don't look back and say, "Well, you did this or that in the past" or "When you do this it ALWAYS means that", but instead try to evaluate each day based only on how that day went. Give him the chance to either prove it to you or make a boob of himself, but don't predict what he's going to do. For example, at night I literally ask myself, "How did today go? How did I do today? Did I react well? Did I DO what I have learned? What did I do well, and what could I have improved? What will I do better next time? How did he do today? Did he react well? Did he DO what he said he would? Did I tell him what he did well? Can I tell him what would be better for me?" Get it? <P>Now, TLFM, it is conceivable that your mountain of resentment is so big, and the pain you have suffered is so great that you can not recover. It is possible that you have been so hurt by his actions and the pit is so deep and dark that you need to leave in order to save yourself. Believe me, I get that idea, because I moved out to save me. But whether you stay with him or not, you are going to have to work on this mountain of resentment or you will carry it around with you, and it is a heavy burden. <P>Hope this has helped, and you'll be in my prayers. By the way (notice, I typed it all the way out!), remember to tell yourself every day that your #1 priority is taking care of yourself and your new baby. It may seem like a bomb right now (and a teeny, tiny part of that is hormones and being tired), but I'll bet you that this child will be a great blessing to you. <P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Hi TLFM:<P>I don't have much to say other than I had the same thing, minus the surprise pregnancy and plus a "gift". I had a man who wanted his cake...and I couldn't stand the lies anymore. Once I found out what he had been doing, I despised him for the destruction of all my memories for 20 years, knowing that during my pregnancies he was screwing around PUTTING MY BABIES AT RISK! That the office XMAS party we went to was really a date for him and one of his coworkers. I remember telling him how nice she looked - at the time not knowing that she was all dressed up for him. Believe me, I know how you feel.<P>I'm divorced from him now and he means nothing to me. I don't hate him - well, actually I pray for him because I pity him for throwing his life away. This man will never be in my life again, that's all there is to it. I don't think I came to this easily tho and it was after the divorce was final. I deserved better and so do you.<P>Have you told him about the pregnancy? Wow, I'm like you tho and would never have an abortion. I hope you have a lot of family nearby for you because you will definitely need help. I don't have any wise words, just understanding. Even tho you are pregnant it's not the end of the world. That baby may turn out to be the biggest blessing of all to you later in life. That baby might turn out to be something so wonderful to you that you'll be thankful for that last romp. Things in life are always changing and your life is not going to be the same later as it is now, so please look to your future with happiness. You may end up having the child that discovers something really important like a cure, or maybe this baby is gonna grow up and give you 15 grandchildren and just always be there for you. Positive thoughts, ok. My dad told me that, back when I was crying about how poor and destitute I was going to be after my divorce. He told me YOU DON'T KNOW what is going to happen in your future and I could end up being the richest woman in the world remarried to the most wonderful person I've ever known. Well, that's a stretch - but it could happen!<P>Space sounds like a good idea. That's hard when you really have no legal rights to kick him out. I also feel for you, take care of yourself.<P>------------------<BR>Kathy

Thank you all so much for your advice and thoughts and prayers. <P>I'm taking one day at a time right now- Last night, when he came back here from work, I could tell my oldest son was extremely upset with me....We ended up all of us (STBX included) sitting down and so I told them (STBX knew as soon as I knew about me being pregnant- he brought me the test at my request)- ANYWAY...<P>The kids and I started discussing my options- Having the baby and giving it up for adoption, abortion or having the baby and keeping it.<P>At first, my oldest especially was all for abortion (now mind you- we are all born and raised in the church- but I too have been struggling with this as well- hate to tell everyone- but it isn't always so cut and dry!!!)- his arguments where mine:<P>"You are getting divorced after all- the situation is already bad enough", "We don't need the expense of another kid right now", "Everyone will think you are stupid that you let yourself get pregnant", "It is only a tiny little glob right now-not really a baby right?" etc, etc.....<P>The more we talked, the more I explained about abortion procedures, baby development, my choice to HAVE my three kids and how I would have missed them if I had chosen abortion instead...the more we came to realize that no matter how tough it might seem right now- having this baby and keeping it are going to be the way to go.<P>Also- as we had the conversation- it ended up being between the kids and I- my STBX had started out standing in the doorway, and be the time the conversation ended, he was sitting on the hallway floor sobbing.<P>He couldn't compose himself- and when the kids had departed I asked him what was wrong and he basically said he was sorry and so angry at himself for being so stupid, and that he was truly realizing that because of what he has done, he is no longer "part of our family" but a guest in our home. He was realizing too- that because of the painful memories he heaped on me during my previous pregnancies and miscarriage, that no matter how much he has changed, I'm not sure I can let him be part of this one at all!!!<P>Well...I didn't really know what to say to that- I can't take away those things from him, any more than he can take away my sorrows and hurts from me I suppose.<P>I'm sorry this is so long.<P>I just have had such an emotional week. I am set on my divorce- my thoughts are like your "I've waited this long- why wait any longer" (as it is- now with this baby situation- I was planning to file after establishing residency (by law) in JANUARY- but will have to wait til atleast APRIL so I am covered by insurance!!!!)<P>He is changed- he has been for 5 months anyway- but those changes have to be in place for SO MUCH longer than that to help me to cross back over into the realm of love and tenderness towards him as opposed to self defense. I guess hate is too strong- I feel the need to defend and protect- ya know??<P>He said his goal is to marry my a week after our divorce is final.<P>Well-<P>so much here- sorry so long!! I've got to get my day going! I just wanted to thank you again and to let you know how I appreciate your honesty!!!<P>TLFM<p>[This message has been edited by Too Late For Me? (edited August 11, 2001).]

I think there is a fine line btw love and hate.<BR>I believe some of us actually get confused as to which one is which.<P>I believe i have moved into how did i mother a child with a person i can't talk to?<BR>I can't get get through to.<BR>i can't get trust to follow through?<BR>I can't get straight answers from?<P>It isn't easy to walk away from someone you've grown acustom to. Regardless of their points good or bad or impartial...