More from the not-so-separation: some friends who moved away from Minneapolis about 5 years ago came into town tonight and wanted to see us. My wife and I were excited to see them, but knew it could be uncomfortable.<P>Since they moved away, we've kept in touch only slightly- christmas cards and the occasional e-mail. They have no idea we're split- they're one of the many couples who would be shocked to hear it. We decided ahead of time that we'd have a cookout at my house, that we'd tell them early on in the evening, but try not to make that the "theme" of the evening- there's a lot of catching up to do with these folks.<P>Well, it didn't work that way. They're a wonderful couple with a beautiful three-year-old daughter (who I'd love to fix up with my three-year-old son in about 20 years....), and the moment they walked in the door, it was like old times. Lots of laughter, good talk, the sort of evening we used to have with other couples more often.<P>We never told them.<P>There never seemed to be a good time to mention it. Our daughter nearly let the cat out of the bag, saying "when are we leaving?" But our friends will drive back to their home in Detroit thinking we're the same happy couple they knew five years ago.<P>After they left, we both agreed there had never been a good opportunity to tell them, and we didn't want to say it as they left ("hey, nice seeing you, by the way, we've separated"), so we didn't feel we'd been wrong not to mention it- but now, how do we? It will be even weirder now- "you know that time you came to our house? She had moved out 5 days earlier." <P>Has anyone ever had a problem like this?

Things went the way they went that night, when the time is right you will tell them<P>

I haven't had the same experience in person, but I have been getting emails from friends back home, and I haven't been able to tell these people yet. I guess I'll know when the time is right.<P>You probably would have told them, had your wife not been there. I had a visitor the other day who I decided to tell, she was our next door neighbour who had moved. But it was hard, hard, hard to discuss it...I hate that. I don't like the questions, and the sympathy thing and well-meaning advice, I really do, and I have to fight hard not to cry in these situations. So I have tended to avoid it. If they don't know yet, I usually don't tell them. I'm not ready. Maybe you guys weren't either.<P>Nice that you're doing things together, though. I long to do something with my H.....oh well.....<P>Take care,<P>Jacky

That's a tough one. I have had a hard time telling those who know us as a couple only, and those close to both of us. My first cousin, more like a brother, called the other night to say hello. He was in our wedding. I debated saying anything, then just blurted it out.<P>I was glad i did, but then i didn't have the dynamic of having W there. I have also lied about it-i took the kids to breakfast last weekend to this little place we went every sunday after church, where the owners know us. When we came in, the lady asked 'mom taking the day off', and i answered something like that.<P>i guess it gets easier-i don't know.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR>Nice that you're doing things together, though. I long to do something with my H.....oh well.....<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, nice and not so. As I said, the evening felt like "old times." It was a ton of fun, and it wasn't until late in the evening when I could tell my wife was starting to feel uncomfortable in the "wife" role. <P>But it brought up something that I think is a big problem for us: my wife wants this friendly contact with me, she needs for us to feel like a family, but she says she can't be my wife right now. She's able to separate those things better than I can- a child of a vicious divorce has to, in order to have a healthy relationship with both parents. <P>She was able, at one of the lowest points in our marriage, to host a party to celebrate our son's baptism, even though she and I were in misery with each other- she could somehow behave as if one were unrelated to the other. Me, I need things more integrated. At the baptism and party, my brother and his wife told me they could feel the tension all over- and it was mostly coming from me. She was performing a role.<P>So, last night, I caught myself thinking "will she look at this and say, 'this is how I want my life to be- I've got to repair my marriage to get there?'" Unfortunately, I don't think so- right now, she talks in terms of seeing our friends and having family time even as we're separated. As you know, I'm going with that now, keeping things open; but I'll reach a boundary on it someday. I hope the fog lifts before that happens.<BR>