I notice in a lot of posts that people mention their parents divorcing, or having unhappy marriages. It got me thinking about how many of us here share this similarity, and I also wonder what influence that may have had on our current situations. It's a bit of a worry for our own kids, don't you think?<P>I'll start the ball rolling by saying that my parent's marriage was very unhappy for about 25 years, through my dad's affairs, his mismanagement of money, his drinking and his workaholic tendencies. My mum left us once for 8 months, having a nervous breakdown. She kicked him out the day I turned 21 when his most recent affair came to light. She took him back after a couple of years. He is a changed man now, believe me. And amazing as it sounds, they are happier than ever before. So that's my background...anyone else?

Mine sounds almost the opposite of yours, my father was a penny pincher, but also emotionally inept(not being able to show his emotions well) which I believe I learned from him. And I believe my parents were unhappy, my mother did seperate from him for 3 months at one time, and 6 months another time. I think they would have eventually gotten divorced if it he had not had his accident which left him missing parts of his brain, and basically for the rest of his life in the care of trained professionals. His penny pinching ways did really help us at that time though. Its really kinda comical, because for 17 years of my life I lived thinking I was the poor kid, came to found out we only lived that way to save money. Unfortunantly I did not gain my fathers ability to save money, but I am getting alot better of not spending my money where its not needed or is wasteful.<p>[This message has been edited by FDH-WS (edited August 10, 2001).]

I had a happy upbringing, save for one very difficult period- my dad almost left my mom when I was a sophmore in high school, and I knew far more about their troubles than a 15-year-old should have. So, for a year or so before that, and for a couple of years after that, while they were falling apart and putting things back together, things were awfully tough at our house.<P>On the one hand, it gave me a healthy view of marriage- it ain't all romance, there will be some bad times, but you can work at it and make it better. On the other hand, my parents weren't doing much parenting at a crucial time in my life, and I can still feel the effects today.<P>My wife's upbringing was happy until age 8, when it all came crashing down- parents divorced rancorously, her sister and dad stayed in the family home, she, her brother, and her mom moved 1000 miles away, where her mom's son by a previous marriage was dying of leukemia. It's one of the worst divorce stories I've ever heard; it obviously affects everything my wife does, to this day.

Here's my two cents; my upbringing was prety normal, although I have heard from my momm since my dad passed away several years ago that she was much less happy than she seemed. Otherwise, it seemed like a farily normal marriage to me. My mom was almost 40 when i was born (might explain lots of things!), so they were very mature, and i was a second child. Nobody has ever said it, but maybe i was a mistake too.<P>My wife's parents were 22 when she was born-she was a honeymoon baby. Her story is very different. Her parents are still together, but she is estranged from them now. She recalls some traumatic event when she was 9, which gave her major self-esteem issues that later manifested as addiction (alcohol and anorexia, maybe sex too in college). She thinks her momo may have left her dad briefly when she was 9. Her mom also left her dad for a few months when she was 39 (strangely, my wife's age now). She was then diagnosed as manic-depressive. They are very controlling, and do not show love well at all.

Well, let's see...<P>My natural father died when I was two months old. My mother didn't want me, and moved herself and me to her parents house, then left me there. In her own words, she "abandoned" me for awhile.<P>She met a wonderful man when I was two, and married him. He adopted me, and there has never been a better dad on earth.<P>However...<P>She hated me. She was a bitter, hateful, mother, and I always knew that she compared me to the father who died. I didn't know exactly all the details because he (natural father) was a family secret. I only knew he existed -- but my maternal grandmother gave me some details about him later in my life. Nobody even kept a picture of him for me. Very dysfuntional.<P>Of course, the hatred for me bled into Mom's marriage, and she and my dad were fighting all the time -- oftimes about me. My mother got to a point where I think she hated him too -- she called him a loser, told him she wanted a divorce, over and over again. <P>They never did divorce, but did separate when I was in my thirties. Funny thing though... she got cancer... and the whole world changed.<P>She became a nicer person, a more thoughtful person, and she realized that my dad had sacrificed and loved her all those years despite her hateful attitudes. They reconcilled, and have found some balance in the last seven years. She is cancer-free now, and they are happily married now.<P>She and I have healed too... and it is a remarkable and wonderful thing. We've both had years of therapy, and she has become a therapist herself. She's working on her Ph.D. right now, and I am very proud to call her my mother.<P>

My parents had problems for many years and my family was very dysfunctional. My dad smoked, drank, ran around on my mother, emotionally abused her (never in front of the kids)I remember when I was 10 and they were talking about divorce. I hated the "D" word. By 8th & 9th grade, my mother was so caught up in herself with dating, etc. she didn't pay much attention to my brother or myself and didn't come to hardly any of my sporting events which hurt my feelings and my dad had moved to another state. My three older sisters were into drugs, married, babies, you name it....so my brother & I are very close.<P>My dad never came to my graduation or my brothers. He always paid child support and later on after I married I told him how much I appreciated it. I am the closest to my dad and my siblings very rarely talk to him. He has a bitter wife, but for some reason she likes me.<P>I love my mom very much, but she is a bitter person and still hates my dad for the divorce. She lives like a hermit crab, has very few friends except neighbors and is a miser. She doesn't have to live like that but I have accepted the fact that I guess she is happy. Her and I are total opposites. I am outgoing, energetic and hate to watch T.V. I tolerate her because she is my mother, but she irritates me because of her pessimistic attitude about everything and anything.<P>One of my sisters died from leukiemia about 10 years ago and my mother didn't even say a word to my father when he walked in the hospital. She said she didn't recognize him, I think it was just an excuse, she was married to him for about 23 years, how could you not recognize him.<P>Anyway, I made a promise to myself when I married I never wanted to end up divorced because I had a lot of pride. Therefore, I put up with a lot of emotional abuse for many years and stuck in the married for my girls. They were my only desire to keep living because I was so miserable in my marriage. <P>My X came from a dysfunctional family as well. Too long and detailed to go on, but we were determined to break the cycle of divorce, didn't work. It could have, but I was tired of giving and giving and giving with nothing in return. <P>

My parents were married 25+ years until my father died. My father was a lot like my soon-to-be-exhusband. Not emotionally present. Their marriage was so empty, I always thought they should be divorced. They never fought and never communicated - a lot like my marriage was. My father had affairs but they stayed together anyway. I don't want to set that example for my kids. After 11 years of putting up with my husbands affairs I am divorcing him. He doesn't want it.

My soon-to-be-exhusband's upbringing was: His mom and dad never married. His dad has one child from 4 different women. His mom has one child from 2 different men. His dad's side of the family have a history of staying with someone and making a family for 13 or 17 years then starting all over again with a brand new family. I suspect my husband will end up like that. He has sisters the same age/younger than our kids. He lived with his mom some, his dad some, his grandma som, his aunt some. But he will tell you he had the perfect childhood.

Interesting background Nina. <P>It really makes me think. <P>My dad died after 25 years of marriage (unfaithful) to my mom. so in me, i think, I don't want to invest 25 years in this man who has been unfaithful for 11 years for him to be unfaithful 14 more then die on me. <P>But for you its more like you see the good/happy ending. <P>I am certain our upbringing effects our decision now.<BR>

True, it certainly seems to have happened to a lot of people...and maybe our determination in holding on is because we don't want the same story as our parents, but in fact we create the same scenario by doing that.<P>Is there anyone out there who had a totally happy upbringing and parents I wonder?

There is no such thing. If someone replys their in denial

I'll tell ya in a nutshell: my parents were HORRIBLE parents, and my childhood was a NIGHTMARE. I am literally lucky to have survived. My dad was and still is an active alcoholic. My mom was and still is unmedicated Bi-polar disorder and she will NOT take her medication even though she's nuts! I have one sister who is a year younger than I am, and another sister that is ten years younger, and since my parents were either drunk or crazy, I became a parent at 10yo. Both of my parents beat each other up, and both of my parents beat me when they couldn't hit each other. From the ages of 11yo until I was 18yo, I was hit to the point of bruising every single day. I have been hit with every single object a person can quickly grab and use as a weapon, including broom handles, brushes, and belts. <P>My father sexually abused my sisters and I. My middle sister was the most sexually abused, and she tried to commit suicide and I found her, and she lived, but now she is so damaged by all this she has no contact with the family--including me. My baby sister is also bi-polar, but my parents divorced when she was little and she is pretty okay (she TAKES her medicine and does quite well). My dad was unfaithful to my mom, is still a drunk, and will not talk to me. My mom is half crazy and some days she not on this planet--when she is on this planet, she does speak to me, though, and I talk with her politely. <P>See? I'm lucky I survived and that I'm not a nutcase. Or am I? <P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

My parents had a high-conflict marriage, but I never doubted for a second that they loved my sister and me with all their hearts. If they stayed together for the sake of the children, I am eternally grateful. There is no better gift that they could have given us.<P>After we were both out of the house, my parents stayed together for years, until my father died. My mother was devastated, and died 6 months later. <P>Whatever their faults, they were both emotionally open. They never hid their feelings and allowed resentment to build up. <P>As far as I know, my H had a fairly normal childhood. However, my H was extremely reluctant to discuss anything emotionally-related with his parents. As far as I know, he never argued with them, never told them he was upset. He always felt, I believe entirely correctly, that his father strongly favored his brother. His father seemed to have little emotional connection with him, and virtually none with his grandchildren. As adults, he and his parents went months without any communication whatsoever - not because they weren't speaking to each other, but apparently family just wasn't a high priority, especially for his father. <P>

Nina<P>Well I have shared my story on another thread eariler in my posting days how my parents divorced as result of affair on my Dad's part. I was 17 at the time and this really has affected my decision making process and my ability to relate to people. I didn't even know how much I was affected by their divorce until my own marriage started falling apart. <P>If you want to know someone who had a childhood whose parents loved each other unconditionally and still do, it is my H. He grew up in the traditional poor country family where mom stayed home, dad worked a carpentry job and they lived paycheck to paycheck for his whole life at home. His Dad doesn't even read and write but his parents are wonderful people whose children and now grandchildren are the center of their lives. They have been married for over 33 years and still love each other very much and would do anything for each other. <P>They raised my H to be a responsible, caring, God-loving, and God-fearing, hard-working young man. He didn't get a lot of special things but he was still spoiled by their love and attention. They are the "go to Grandma's for dinner every sunday" type of family. Lots of hugs and I love yous. Everyone buys for everybody at Christmas even though 90% of the gifts are from dollar general. My H had to ride his bike to a peach shed over 2 miles to work when he was a young teen to earn the money to buy his first car. While his Mom definately sheltered him from learning grown up responsibilities such as cooking or cleaning up after himself, she did raise a honest good-hearted man.<P>So, someone tell me what happended. Why has this man turned his back on his family and left his children? He has retreated from the world over the past year and there is very little left of the man I fell in love with.<P>Nina, sorry to be rambling. He is supposed to be coming here this morning to let me know if he is willing to give up affair. If not, Plan B here I come. I'm nervous and scared and hopeful and excited and generally just a basketcase this AM. Hoping for the best but expecting the worst. Please pray for us.<P>Lynn