Things seem to be going a bit smoother today. I spoke pleasantly with wife this morning. I am babysitting for her tonight. I feel a little uncomfortable because I am afraid she is going out drinking - ugggggh. But I also realize that she has to make her own decisions - I cant change her. That does take a lot of pressure off! Anyway, I am looking for another job and one is available in Jacksonville, FL and it pays bunches more than I now make. I told my wife about it (i pay a lot of money in child support and I cannot have a good living off what I have left) and she said "Okay, if Im not moving, you are not moving either!" She has full and "exclusive" custody of the children and has no interest in getting back together at this point. My question is: Am I being selfish for telling her and letting her know that I am not just sitting around and waiting? I want more out of life and my job, but I also dont want to move away from the kids. Its not too far from my current location so I would have no problems coming and getting them and keeping them over the weekend and driving back to drop them off. Is this a love buster? I will not be able to make it off what I have left and there is nothing available locally.<P>She also doesnt want any of the joint accounts closed and we seem to be working together on the financial stuff. I am growing impatient.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by RobC:<BR>Am I being selfish for telling her and letting her know that I am not just sitting around and waiting?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You are not being selfish. You have to do what's best for you and your children; you have to add your wife into that equation if she's willing to add you into hers.<P>I can't advise you on moving away, etc., other than to point out that if you're far away, you won't be "babysitting" for the kids very often. Is that what you want? <BR>

A couple of questions Rob.<P>How old are the kids?<P>How far do you live from the now?<P>How far would you be from them in Jacksonville?<P>What is your normal visitation schedule?<P>What does this mean "She has full and "exclusive" custody"?<p>[This message has been edited by LostHusband (edited August 10, 2001).]

Money can't replace <I>you</I>. But if your ability to make a living wage that will support your XW and children separately is in serious question, you have several options, and you could allow your XW to choose among several:<P>1) She can cooperate in reducing her expenses, making more money on her own, and allowing you to reduce child support and alimony; or<P>2) She can allow the family to be reunited; or<P>3) You can move to Jax, and make the money your family needs, at the sacrifice of even your lungs (Jax air is carcinogen-loaded--the fraction of rust-belt pollution that causes acid rain drifts north to Canada, the carcinogens wind up in another level of the atmosphere and settle out over Jax); or <P>4) You can take a second job; or<P>5) You can take on debt to pay for training to get a higher-paying job.<P>Give <I>her</I> some input into the choice. With facts and figures for her to choose among.

Thanks Big,<BR>Right now I am content on helping and babysitting, but honestly, I would be content on moving to improve my living situation and what I could do for my children. I would drive up as much as needed to help and get them and take care of them. We are into three months of separation and nothing about us. I am willing to give the "few" months she wants, but beyond that I will begin to consider other alternatives. I will not be a part of the cake and eat-it too syndrome. At some point I will have to act. With or without her. I love my kids and we go to the ends of the earth for them. My father did it for me and I will do no less for my children. However, I will not let my wife ride my coattails financially nor will I allow her to dictate my life decisions. She made a decision and must live with it. I could have never entered that bar just before she left. There is a consequence for every action. But we ALL know that, or do we?<P>Big, how are you holding up? Read your post. Sounds like you both had a good time with your friends.<P>R

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by RobC:<BR>I will not be a part of the cake and eat-it too syndrome. ... She made a decision and must live with it. I could have never entered that bar just before she left. There is a consequence for every action. But we ALL know that, or do we?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, you and I do- I don't know if they do yet. And it's something I'm worried about too. I'm five months into strife- that is, five since she said she wanted to separate- but only a week into the actual separation. In a reply on that post, I wrote some more about this worry: that she is thinking I'll stay her friend, confidante, etc., without being her husband. I'm letting it play out for now- I don't need the resolution of this that badly. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Big, how are you holding up? Read your post. Sounds like you both had a good time with your friends.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It was a great time. We used to do that sort of thing often- see other couples, people who were in the same life stage as us- mid-30s, jobs, young kids, etc. I remember having a cookout a few years back with the couples all sitting around in the backyard while the children ran through the sprinkler simply screaming with laughter. We said later we both thought "this is how we imagined our life would be." Over the last year, 18 months, we haven't done that. I wasn't really aware of it as such- it's clear now, however.<P>So, anyway, I enjoyed it, and my wife enjoyed it too. Whether that puts a small thought in her head about us or not, I'll let you know in a year or so.<P>