I'm having a hard time getting on with my life. I have been divorced for over a year (separated in 1998 and the courts had to have him removed -- he was abusive). <P>Now his life is wonderful and I struggle to feed my child. He is building a new home (something he promised me for 20 years and never did) -- jets off to exotic locations (we never even had a honeymoon) -- and tosses money everywhere except to child support. <P>How do you get on with your life when you have the courts on his side? (he's been ignorning all the court orders, including the restraining order so I finally moved from the city -- the courts are doing nothing and I can't afford one other than legal aid). It's just painful to watch him getting ahead when I'm struggling to keep alive. How do you let go of the anger? How do you reach a point of being happy when all you wanted to do was be married and be a good wife and mother only to discover you married the devil?

Hi Elan,<P>Sorry to see you here, but welcome anyway...<P>I'm replying because I hate to see a zero in front of anyone's name, and I don't have much advice for you, but to hang in there...I'm only 5 weeks separated, so I'm miles from your experience yet. But there are those here who could possibly help you, so please keep posting.<P>I'm curious as to how he gets away with just ignoring court orders???<P>Again welcome,<P>Nina

Hiya, <BR>Honestly I don't know what to say. I am in the same boat you are in.. Cannot get father to pay for his child or help in anyway. I too feel like I am stuck in a dead zone, but one thing for sure everytime I look at our son. I smile and right now that is all I have in the world... The best thing too may I add. Some keeps telling me time. I feel like my time is running out soon if this does not change. All we can do is keep going for our children.<BR>Wish you well<BR>Janet

Thanks for responding. Yeah....*big sigh*.... I know the ONLY answer is time. I am really doing ok. Just wanted to know if there was someone else out there in the same shoes.<P>As for the ex getting away with everything - you need money in order to file contempt of court charges. My only hope and prayers is that what goes around truly does come around.<P>Thanks for the reminder....the kids. It's true. They are full of life and love. Unfortunately two of them are with Disney Dad who is destroying their very being. My son told me last week that God was a farce. The youngest one is with me and is blossoming into a lovely young woman. It's just a shame to see my children who are living with their father turn into evil clones of him. I just hope and pray that time will help and that they will remember all the good things in life that I taught them.<P>Thanks for the support.

Hi<P>Sorry for all you're dealing with....I went thru similar stuff w/my ex. I thought he was getting away w/murder and coming out smelling like a rose. My attorney wasn't much help, and the courts seemed to side w/the money....definitely not me! But one thing I learned was the only thing I can change is ME. At some point I learned to respond, not react. And with all I thought was hopeless, I learned one very important thing...God is bigger than all of it. He can redeem ANYthing the enemy intends for evil. God loves your children even more than you do and He will protect them---you just keep them covered in prayer. Your efforts are not in vain, but there may be a long process in the meantime. I heard this past week that a process is 3-fold: seed, time, and harvest. The "time" is our periods of trial; we can't see what the seed is producing underground, but much is happening. And that must take place before the harvest. <P>Do not faint or grow weary....you're not alone and He hasn't forgotten you.<P>

Sa-girl<P>Thanks so much for your post. It really means a lot. I know exactly what you are talking about. Some days are worse than others though when you feel totally beaten.<P>I know the seed I planted long ago take time to nurture. My oldest is coming around somewhat and I've learned that prayer takes you a long ways in the scheme of things. <P>One day at a time! Thanks!

Use the anger to do good things for you, let it motivate you to do better in your life and to move forward. The best thing you can do his to help yourself, go to school or what ever you need to do for you. You might be better off no matter how well he is doing , you might be better off with out him.<P>

I agree w/Jabber. We can really become bitter people if we focus on the "he has, I don't have" situation. If you let yourself become bitter, you're saying you have no choices--that you're the "victim". We can't volunteer to be victims! You have choices available to you to make you all that God created you to be.....go for them! Your children aren't destined to be evil clones of your husband anymore than you're destined to be useless because of him---that's really giving this guy ALOT of power!!! Become the best you that you can to honor your Maker...not so you might look good to anyone. This can really be a wonderful experience for your growth, and an opportunity to teach your children many things.<P>Take care! God Bless!

Sa-girl!<P>Well said! You are ABSOLUTELY right! I am allowing myself to become the victim! I'm done with that. I was a victim for enough years. Now it's MY turn to be the victor.<P>One of the best quotes I've heard for a long time is "Vengence is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die." I guess I was sitting here waiting for him to fall on his face as a result of all the hurtful things he did in our marriage. <P>My BEST revenge is doing well for myself. All the other things will fall into place. Thanks for picking me up. I needed that yesterday!

Elan...<P>Pardon me for being very blunt, but people like your husband make my blood boil! He is being a total a** by not standing up and taking care of his responsibilities towards you and your children. I admire you for having the best interest of your children as your top priority and the courts should recognize that he is not being responsible. <P>In a way, your husbands actions are a total disgrace to all men and somehow he needs to get the couseling the he desparately needs. <P>I hope that you have the strength to carry on and find someone special that you deserve! You have an awesome outlook on marriage and you should feel great about yourself!<P>God Bless<BR>Bryan<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

Hey thanks Bryan!<P>Nah....yesterday I was just having a bad day. It was one of those "look what he's got and look at what I've got!" The one thing I didn't LOOK at was the things I've got that you can't see! Things like compassion, trust, dignity, the love of my children, wonderful friends who would go to the ends of the earth for me.<P>I'm working hard on not being vengeful. It hurts. I married for the rest of my life. Well, he didn't and that's what hurts. There is NOTHING I can do about it. I am doing ok and I have met a wonderful man that makes me think there was a reason for all this pain. I still have my days though Bryan. Maybe it's God's gentle reminder so that I remember where I've been and how far I've come.<P>As for the courts not doing their jobs -- I too stop and recognize the fact there are many others in worse positions than I am. What goes around comes around. My ex ignoring court orders will only land HIM in jail. They say the wheels of justice turn very slowly......lol...it's going onto 4 years for me (and over 40 times in court! hah!)<P>Thanks for the pats on the back. I certainly don't deserve them for any particular reason, but it's nice to know that there is someone out there rooting for me when I'm having a bad day! :-) (ps...it's wayyyyyyyyy better today!)