I have read a lot on these groups about the need to continue being loving towards someone who has cheated on you. My husband has grown SO distant from me lately. For months I have tried getting him interested in me sexually - even if it was just to take care of his needs. I have been turned down every time. While I understand the logic in continuing to be loving towards a distant spouse, I wonder what this does to my own self esteem. How many times can someone handle being rejected? With all the negative things going on in our relationship, I know I could go on much easier if I saw just the slightest sign of an affectionate gesture towards me. God what I wouldn't give just to have him come up and give me a hug and big kiss. That doesn't really seem like too much to be looking for from him does it?<P>How has everyone else handled the emotional side of getting a cold shoulder whenever you make a romantic gesture? I really need to know how you have been able to keep your own self-esteem in check.<P>Thanks.

Alisa - I get the cold shoulder and rejection all the time too. How do I keep my self esteem? Thru my kids. Thru my involvement with their lives. My husband is the same. He does not like sex, he does not like romance, he rejects my every motion - I stopped trying. I have completely, and entirely quit trying with him. I really don't care anymore. My mindset has been to focus on ME. ME and my KIDS. My self esteem has grown much more recently since I have decided that its not "me" who has the problem - but "him". So I have moved along from wondering and trying to have any sexual connection or needs with him. (and I'm just WAITING for him to try to make an advance towards me ... payback is gonna be fun!) You have to believe in YOU. When they reject us, it not about us - its about them. They are being the selfish one, they have the problem. I used to worry, try to figure out, and continue to resolve our problems, but I finally stopped because my self esteem was at a bottom low. I don't care anymore. My life is mine and my kids! Thats what keeps my self esteem up!

Alisa,<P>I have been striving to get us back together for nearly three years. Some progress -- perhaps, I hope so.<P>I participated inmany forums, including this on, and I read many books and attended many seminars. what I've learned so far is that there is a difference between a true unconditional love and a desire to be loved. I know that our union was the right one, and I know that I just love him. Self-esteem doesn't have to do anything with the response you're getting -- if you simply five freely, give because there is so much you have that you nedd and want to give it. Howeveer, if you have a lack of love and self-love, you don't give but expect to receive -- than, when you don't get it, your self-esteem suffers, you start thinking that you're not good enough, and so on.<P>If you can't but love and give, you're on the right track.<BR>

alisa, what do you do? you deal with it as long as you can. you try everything you can. when you can't stand it any longer you have to make a decision. to go on with the marriage as it is or move on to something else. i think that the cold hard truth. good luck.

Alisa - <BR>Frankie is right! I just gotta get the guts up. Cause mines not going anywhere - why would he? He has it all.

alisa,<P>i am not an expert on this; but i have always had a lot of "high expectations" regarding my H and his ability to show me little signs of love, affection, etc. and have become serverely depressed (in the past) when the affection was not shown by him.<P>and i have had many a rejection from him. what hurts is that this is the person you MOST want love and affection from. anyway, i'm just letting you know i can understand where you are coming from.<P>so.... what do i do? i find other ways to combat the rejection. i hung out this weekend with some friends from the local business and professional women's group -- they are GREAT huggers and are really good at building a woman's self-esteem. i try to visit my parents often -- they are huggers and cheek-kissers.... very good for reminding me that i am not repulsive and deserve a kind and loving touch. i do a lot of introspection and try to make myself a better person, so i can love myself.<P>mostly, i stopped begging and acting "sad" when my H doesn't automatically read my thoughts and give me an impulsive kiss or hug. and the funniest thing is (and those of you who have read my posts before will understand why i feel this way -- read dobson's book), when i stopped getting my hopes up, when i stopped pitying myself when my H didn't slobber over me, he actually started to do it! (don't get me wrong; he's not great at it. but when you are not building yourself up for something only to be disappointed, it's great when -- surprise! -- you get it!)<P>try to love yourself, alisa. it's not the same, i know. but when you love yourself and don't pity yourself, your H may see that you are deserving of his love and start to show it. give it a try! <P>God bless...<P>

Hi Alisa<P>I replied to your last post in 'emotional needs'. Hope everything with that 'post' is going OK.<P>My H is more affectionate now that everything is out in the open.<P>When he was going through his emotional affair he was bad-tempered, had angry outbursts, was grumpy, moody, couldn't sleep, blamed me on everything etc etc.<P>Now he has came to his senses, I can only pray that your H will to one day. <P>I can honestly say that he will one day learn to love you again like he did at the very beginning. I just had lots of heart to hearts with my H and started writing him letters where I poured out my heart to him.<P>Honestly I think everyone deserves to be 'loved' and treated special, I don't know about you (although I know that you are trying very hard, especially with plan A), but I personally think I could only go on so long before I would have to take drastic steps about my future and find someone who could share my love and my life like everyone deserves. I hope that it doesn't come to this. Keep talking and keep trying but remember love goes both ways and if you are the only one trying and not getting anything in return, plan a better future for yourself and the for the love you deserve to get, I only hope that it will be with your H (the man that you wanted to share your life with).<P>Cuddles

alisa, getting the cold shoulder from someone after their affair is not the same as getting the cold shoulder a spouse that's never had an affair. i think it's a whole different subject. the pain is the same though. after my affair, i didn't care for anything from my w and didn't offer much either. if she initiated kisses i would respond or hug her back but rarely initiated anything. i was aware of this and knew she needed it more then ever but i just didn't want to. things are loosening up a little now. i'm trying to be more outgoing and trying to be the first to reach for her or to kiss her and to hold her at night. like someone suggested on this board, maybe if i practice it, the feeling will come.<BR>i suggested earlier that you take it as long as you can then move on.<BR>finding someone to love that also loves you is a monumental task. realizing that's what you must do is the first baby step. none the less, it's awfully easy to pick the wrong person. all you have to do is read some of these posts to see that. even dating is difficult. i know a single woman who answers personal ads. she sends emails telling me of her adventures. unbelievable. i answered some too. i gave up on them. finding the right person is like finding the needle in the haystack. you'll find lots of people to date but the search for someone that's compatable is a long drawn out process. and then you still have to fall in love with someone. you can't just pick someone. we can write about this more is you like. good luck!!

Thanks everyone for your comments. I know what all of you are saying makes sense. If you have read my previous posts, you also understand that my lack of self-esteem also comes with my being overweight. You all refer to giving it my best shot and then move on and find someone else to love if I am not getting what I need. I think that is hard for me to really picture because I am pretty sure if I lose my husband I most likely will remain single from here on out. As I type that I realize how sad that sounds, or how your first thought is that I can't stay with someone just because I would never find anyone else. Sometimes though my thoughts are that a little time/affection from my husband is better than none at all. I know I have to get stronger, place more value on myself, and work at doing what will make me happy. I just can't seem to move to the frame of mind that I am anyone worthwhile I guess.<P>Sorry this was more of a depressing post, just had a very rough weekend and feel rather alone today.

alisa, please don't think for one minute that you can't have someone else. there are many men that would want you. i'm not saying you would find the love of you life because that difficult in the best of situations. i understand your despair. your depression is obvious. i wish you could take some antidepressants. they would change your life. as far as loosing weight, see your doctor. tell him you want some help with reducing your weight. tell him your marriage is at risk. i don't know if any of this is available to you but if it is i suggest you go for it. i firmly believe in better living through modern chemistry. sure there may be some risk, so what. happiness is worth it. good luck

Alisa,<BR> Were you overweight when you and your husband married? Honey do not make yourself believe that your weight is the problem. All woman are beautiful regardless if they weigh 100 or 200 lbs. Us woman that are on the plus side must learn that everyone is not made to be thin and that thin woman are not all happy and are going through the same problems we are. The problem might be that your husband seen a viable,confident and lovely woman that he loved and that woman is diminishing because of her lack of self love, not because of her weight. I'm a plus size woman (14-16) and I never wish to be thin,I have an ideal size of 11-12. When I'm feeling low (we all have low points, that is being human). I do things to pick myself up. Go get a manicure and pedicure, Go shopping, Go to the local gym and release some of those ugly feelings, rent a movie that I love and watch it, go to lunch with a good friend, buy a book. Surround yourself with things to lift your spirit. I would recommend you subscribing to the magazine Mode it is a magazine for us large and lovely girls (70% of the women on earth are a size 12 or larger) you can find it at Lane Bryant stores and Kmart stores. One more thing you can do is go buy yourself a really sexy outfit and a bottle of your favorite wine or champagne, do your hair and makeup<BR>, put on some great smelling perfume and have a date with yourself. I know it sounds crazy, but try it and see. Treat yourself to a candlelight meal for one, turn on some music and dance in<BR>front of the mirror while drinking your beverage selection. Then plan a night out for you and your husband and wear that sexy outfit. The love you showed yourself and will continue to reciprocate to yourself will show and will be a positive experience for you and your husband. You will never know until you take the first steps. <BR>God Bless<P>------------------<BR>JDC<BR><p>[This message has been edited by JDC (edited May 24, 1999).]

Alisa<P>Please please do not ever feel alone, we are all here for you. I also have sat alone at night feeling alone in my world until I found the strenght to go on with the friends and advise that I have here. It's been my salvation finding this place.<P>My H also works long hours, night shift and most nights from 6 at night until 6 in the morning or from 1 in the afternoon until 6 the next morning. I know what it is like to spend time on your own. You are alone with your thoughts and they are prone to work overtime in the doubts/unloved etc department.<P>My heart really goes out to out Alisa, please find the strenght to go on, you have the beauty from within and if you can't work on the marriage please don't think that 'that's it', you sound like a really caring, thoughful person who could give a lot of love to someone who is willing to give it back.<P>I used to think that no-one else would want me if my marriage failed because I've never dated another man, my H and myself were childhood sweethearts from when we were 14/15 , married at 20/21 and are together 13 years with 2 kids. Things have not always been easy, we are finally opening up to the fact that we were taking each other for granted and the love had died, thankfully we have got that back and are working on everything, trust, love, affection, finances, kids, you name it, it's been dragged out into the open and being exposed, warts and all to see were we went wrong.<P>H had previous 2 one-night stands and recently an emotional affair which he says he still has a bond there. Hard to deal with I know, but Alisa there's one thing for sure, I could only stay with someone so long with the rejection until I realised that I deserve love and all the trimmings, you only get one shot at life, grap it with both hands and Alisa - be happy!<P>Cuddles

Cunnles, how did you go about getting your love back with your husband? I am looking for ways to get it back with my wife. Most days she seems like she is starting to soften up, but then we have those few days where she will hardly talk to me.

Confused58, I hope you don't mind me butting in here, but since Cuddles and I seem to be living the same life I thought I could answer too.<P>My H has had a "friendship" with his former boss for over a year. Whether there's more than that, I don't know, though I suspect there was at some point.<P>Repeated attempts at discussing the issue have been met with anger and defensiveness. So I went into therapy to deal with my low self-esteem and assumptions that in any such "competition" I would lose. I also started putting him first. He is a very high-maintenance guy...needs a lot of affection, a lot of attention, and clearly he wasn't getting it for a while (last spring, when this started, I was finishing up my master's degree). <P>So what am I doing? For one thing, relinquishing some control. I always made more money and I "ran things". Now he wants more say, so I give it to him. While I don't "ask permission", I ask his opinion on things I want to do that might not involve him. I don't come home in a lousy mood and don't dump on him. I give him backrubs every night if he needs it. I tell him how special he is every day.<P>Sometimes it bothers me that I'm doing all the work, but someone has to. <P>One thing that might help you is Susan Page's book "How One of You Can Bring Both of You Together." It's premise is that problems in a marriage are interaction problems, not fault problems. If you change your half of the interaction, the other half must by definition change as well. I've used some of her exercises and tactics and they seem to work for me.<P>One night last week my H went out drinking with some former co-workers. I don't like these people. They're real "party-ers" and I have a sense that if hanky-panky was going on among them, they'd all applaud. But I said nothing. He said he'd be home by 10 (at one time he would have come rolling in at 11). He arrived home at 10:10, with a long-stemmed rose for me. He never does that.<P>He's also being more thoughtful and considerate. Last Saturday I had to run some errands and when I got home, he had washed the dishes. <P>He hates yard work, so we've hired a service, so we don't have that procrastinate/nag/procrastinate/nag cycle every weekend.<P>It's hard work, and yes, I still wonder, and I still feel insecure, and the thought of having this woman at our house for a huge BB!Q in two weeks terrifies me. But I keep my mouth shut.<P>But it seems to be working.<P>Hope this helps.

Confused58,<P>I wish I could say that my H had finally come to his senses, but I doubt that. I am now like Dazed&Confused and have started by putting my H first for a change. I would give his 'emotional needs' a charge every now and then, ask him how his day was, kissed him passionately (instead of the usual peck), praised him, let him have his own way a lot of the time and eventually he started coming round. I was finding in the gaps that the OW was previously filling. I was replacing her with me. When H and I started to work things out he eventually told me that she was there to fill the void that was left by me. We were taking each other for granted and not meeting each others needs, we got lazy. If you read my post 'What's the difference between love and infatuation' it has a letter that my H wrote to me at the weekend, you could try and write a letter something on the same lines.<BR>My H says that he doesn't need the OW now that he has me back, I hope so, the only thing is, he still won't open up about it and gets defencive if I push it. I have had to learn to be patient and give him his space.<P>Dazed&Confused<P>I think were are living similiar lives, our H are so alike. I also thought like you and would feel that I was in competition with this OW. As she was everything I wasn't in looks only, I would always put myself down, how could my H want me when she is giving him all the attention, and better looking with it.<P>You said that your H went out with the boys, I told you last week that my H was due to go out at the weekend with the 'boys' from work. He didn't go, spent the weekend with me and we had a great time.<P>Previously he would have went out and it wasn't 11 at night that he was coming in, it was the next day, so I feel that we have made some progress.<P>Although like you H, he still blows up if I push things, I still think that he is hiding things and that things went futher than he says.<P>Cuddles

you two sound like your headed in the right direction. Good luck to both of you. Any words of advice for me, I wish I knew which direction I was headed in.

cuddles, I was looking for your posts you were telling me about and I can`t seem to find it, can you help me out? Thanks, I was interested in reading it.

double post removed<p>[This message has been edited by Alice (edited May 27, 1999).]

Alisa,<P>I've been through this. For two or three years sex was nearly as rare as Christmas (maybe twice a year).<P>I made a wrong decision -- I started an affair, being convince, that if he doesn't need me as a woman, he shouldn't mind.<P>Later I realized that it was because of his depresssion and a long mid-life crisis.<P>We are separated for more than 1.5 years as a result. And although we started seeing each other , we are far away from any physical contact. <P>There is always a whole lot to lose -- in any situation.

my husband and i were very passionate. but my trememdous tantrums pulled mty husband waway from me mentally and physically. he is become very violent and abusive. he even doesnot want to have sex with me. he rejects me .i feel hurt, but have laern this. we have been married for 1.5 yrs. he is 27 and me 26 yrs.best of luck for you.