.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Distressed (edited August 11, 2001).]

Distressed,<P>I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Where we live, you should really file a legal seperation in the beginning stages of this to protect yourself from that issue on the house. It sounds like you are almost to the divorce issue now. I wonder if you could produce receipts from your bank account that you paid for the last 3 years and perhaps get more out of the equity than him, have you asked your lawyer?<P>I am interested in learning more about "conflict avoiders" as I feel like I am dealing with one. I posted this on a thread a while ago and I can't find it. Anyhow, some of what you mentioned, sounds like him. We don't fight at all, but we don't talk either. I have suggested a few times, "do you want to break up" and he says no, but his actions don't indicate he is in this relationship anyhow.<P>I'm not sure about your state, but <A HREF="http://www.divorcenet.net" TARGET=_blank>www.divorcenet.net</A> has some info by state, I don't know if there is something there you can find of use. <P>I don't believe it's fair that each state has different divorce laws, and child support laws for that matter, it should be the same everywhere. <P>Good luck, <BR>Dana B

Thanks Dana B. I wish I knew the best way to deal with conflict avoiders. After three years of it, the one thing I am sure of is that letting an avoider avoid is a failing strategy. Plan A this type and you'll be doing it for life. They'll never make a decision.<P>Regarding the specifics of state law, there are some things I can do to mitigate the damage (and I will do them). That's not really the point. I'm stuck at understanding why he thinks he's "entitled" to half the house, half of my stock options and paying no child support. How can a self-respecting person walk out on a family like this and make a profit by doing so? The laws were designed to protect stay at home mom's, not high-income abandoning spouses. Yet, there's really no way for me to express my feelings to him without him running. I tried two weeks ago and got the "I'll think about it" line. In his isolated world, he can do whatever he wants without any accountability for his actions. No one holds him to any moral or ethical standard, and he's gleefully running to the bank with the money I earned and invested.<P>I'll accept that the rage I have at the laws and his behavior is really my problem. But I will have an issue with my behavior if I don't invest effort to feel like I've done whatever I could to protect my estate, even though he's unlikely to leave with anything less than he can possibly get.<P>In hindsight, an early divorce or legal separation would have been much better. But I tried for two years to save the marriage. That's costing me dearly now.

Distressed,<P>Where I live, the morals, ethics or values do not come into play whatsoever. A spouse can do the most unthinkable thing and walk away more financially stable than they were in marriage, and the single mom usually walks away with less financial stability. It's unfair and I hate it.<P>Hindsight is certainly an eye opener! However, you will ALWAYS know in your heart, you tried everything you could, and down the road, you will have less second thoughts and regrets from your efforts. You still might have them, but at least you can say you honestly tried your best! <P>As for conflict avoiders, it seems like it would be an awful hard relationship to maintain when they avoid issues. In the beginning, I thought it was great, we talked, no fights, but "IN HINDSIGHT", I realize I did most of the talking, there was just no fighting!<P>Good luck, hang in there, Dana<BR>