My husband was out of town for a couple of days. While he was gone, I finally got up the nerve to go to the doctor and ask for a prescription for antidepressants. I told the doctor that I'd always suffered depression - PMS type stuff - but that lately the bouts were coming closer together and lasting longer. He wrote that down and then said, "Other than that, everything else in your life is going pretty good, isn't it?" I said, "No, everything else is pretty crappy right now." Then I closed my eyes and bit my lip trying very hard not to break down and sob. He asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I shook my head. I told him I am seeing a therapist. He gave me Prozac.<P>When my husband got home, I told him about the appointment and what was said. His response was, "I sure hope he doesn't tell his wife or anyone about that or she'll go around telling people you need prayers." I told him that at this point I really don't care. Pretending not to be depressed is making the depression worse. He didn't say anything, but he had a disgusted look on his face. <P>He says that he loves me and he wants us to stay together. Yet, in situations like the one I mentioned, it sure seems that he is more concerned about his reputation than he is about me. For financial reasons, I couldn't leave right now, even if I wanted to. However, I don't really see staying past the end of this new school year. By then, some major bills will be paid off. If I leave now, I'd have to use all my retirement to pay off the bills or file for bankruptcy. <P>I don't think I hate my husband, but I sure don't have any feelings of love, either. I've always heard that apathy is worse than hate, now I believe it. When he touches my shoulder or says he loves me, I get the same warm fuzzy feeling as when someone scrapes their fingernails on a chalkboard. I especially hate for him to say he loves me because I feel like he's trying to pressure me to respond positively. I don't want to lie, so I usually just don't say anything.<P>He says that he loves me and he will go to counseling, but he has not made any move to do so. He is looking into other lines of work (he is a pastor now) but he spends most of his time investigating really "iffy" self-owned businesses(not illegal, just the "to good to be true" things.) He hasn't looked into any stable jobs or sales professions. I think he is hoping that he won't really have to change professions and we will just go on forever doing what we've always done. He's told me that he doesn't want to change jobs, doesn't think it's necessary, but will to it if I insist. Of course, if I leave him, or if anyone finds out what he has done, his career will be instantly over.<P>Anyway, I'm really down today. I don't know what I should do. If I am nice to him at all, he takes that as a sign that all is well and I'm staying around forever. I've tried being completely cold, but that is too stressful. I've tried to tell him that I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to rush into a divorce but I'm not ready to commit to staying with him, either. I have to admit that I'm much happier when he's out of town. When he's gone, I don't miss him at all. It's a real relief not to have to deal with his presence.<P>I'm angry that I'm battling depression while he's never seemed depressed or down at all. He says he's asked God's forgiveness and he knows he's been forgiven, so why be depressed? He doesn't understand why I can't just forgive and forget and get on with our lives. He even makes jokes about his unfaithfulness sometimes.<P>Am I crazy for not loving someone who says he loves me? I can't see how he could have done what he did if he really loved me. Our relationship deteriorated a lot ten years ago, after his relationship with the other man began. Over the years, we became more and more physically and emotionally separate from each other. We still worked well together, but more like brother and sister than husband and wife. When I found out about his sexual involvement with the other man, it's not like I loved him intensely at one moment and then had no feelings the next. The feelings were pretty much gone by the time I had proof of what was going on.<P>The questions I wrestle with are these: 1) Is it possible (or probable) to go from complete lack of feeling to love? 2) Why should I love/trust someone who went against everything we believe in and have lived our lives for and jeopardized our whole way of life for illicit sexual fulfillment? 3) If I was not able to meet whatever needs he had before, would I be able to in the future? (I was the one always ready for making love. He was hardly ever "in the mood" or physically able to perform) 4)If I stay, am I dooming myself to a life with a "roommate" rather than a "soulmate"? 5) If I go, how on earth would I explain to my two teenage sons?<P>I just needed to put my feelings into words. I'm not even sure that there are answers.<P>

I know how you feel!!!<P>Listening to my ex say that he wants us together hurts me. Not emotionally but i relate to the cringe. I think/believe my feelings for my ex are more of let's just call it off completely.<P>He's always messed up in the past.<BR>So i know he'll do it again.<P>It's contempt

Ohio attorney here(and member of FOF Attorney Ministry). No you are not crazy and you're probabaly right, there are not real answers. You seem to have made up your mind as to what you are going to do. If you don't have one, get employment to be better prepared to live on your own. If you look at this from a Biblical standpoint, if his reputation suffers, I suppose you can it's God's will. Certainly nothing you have done. Your first question: With God all things are possible. The rest of your questions, I don't know. Your husband is right we are not to keep a record of wrongs(1 Cor. 13) but that is difficult from the human side. What do you tell your sons-I'm sure, probably the truth because it will probably come out anyway. Forgiveness from God is real, but I doubt your husband's sincerity if he sometimes makes JOKES about his unfaithfulness. Someone repentent would never do this and coming from a pastor is even worse. Encourage him to read the Book of Timothy-perhaps he is in the wrong calling. The important thing is to take of yourself at this point, be kind and gentle to yourself, and most of all, love yourself. Things will get better. Lee

Thanks for your responses.<BR>Lee - I am employed. I have been teaching 22 years. I am in a situation where I teach year-round and have excellent benefits. I also am an adjunct professor at a local junior college. I am very fortunate to make more than a lot of couples I know. Income is not a problem - just bills.<P>I really haven't made up my mind what I'm going to do. One day I'll think I'm leaving and the next I'll tell myself that I should stay. I worry about the effect of a divorce on our sons and even on the church and all the people who admire him so much. They would be crushed. His parents might never recover - they are elderly and not in great health. <P>Even though none of this is my fault, it is within my power to contain the fallout. I guess my struggle is the same as Spock's in Star Trek #something - Does the need of the individual outweigh the need of the society?<P>I guess it really does bother me that all of my reasons for staying basically have to do with what would make everybody else happy. I don't know that I would be happier divorced, that is something that I am trying to decide. Because divorce was not an option before I knew for sure of the infidelity, I've never really thought about what would make me happy.<P>I know that I can make it on my own. I've always pretty much taken care of myself - paid bills, done taxes, maintained the car, etc. I've always told myself that I'm only one heartbeat away from being single and that I shouldn't rely on him to take care of me. Fatalistic, I know, but I've known several people who have died at much younger ages than I am now.<P>He really is a nice person in many ways. He always thanks me for dinner and he washes his own clothes and helps clean house. I can't complain of abuse at all. (Of course, there are always the other habits that drive me batty!) When his other relationship began, he was very neglectful of me and the kids but when we moved away from the other man, he spent more time with us. After 24 years of being together, I would hate to see his reputation trashed, even if he deserves it. He has helped so many people. The problem is that I just do not love him anymore and I am afraid to make myself vulnerable to him again. I can't respect him because I know of his other side. I can't trust him because of all the years of lies. Yet, we still get along in many ways - like business partners who work all day and then go their separate ways.<P>Too much thinking for this time of night...<BR>