This is my first post so here it goes. Been with my W for over 20 years. Got married while both of us were teenagers. We did all the party thing. When I got drunk and passed out if I was woke up I got abusive. So in the beginning there was some physical violence. No bruises or anything like that but it was there. Quit drinking years ago and the physical abuse stopped. Thought we were doing ok in my mind. However in reality I was belittling her and minimizing her feelings. She would try to talk to me and I let it go in one ear and out the other because I did not know how to handle it. Things always seemd to blow over. I am a very insecure person in my mind however evertyone else, other than my W, thinks I am the greatest. I know this is not true. I have never faced up to anything. When a problem arose I would find something else to do to keep from facing it.<P>One month ago my W had finally had it with my behavior. Sh eput her foot down. I finally opened my eyes and faced what I had been doing. However it has been bottled up in her so long she has gone to counseling and been diagnosed with massive recurring depression. I realize I is my fault and not hers. However she has had about five therapy session with two different therapists and they say divorce.<P>We live in a state where there is no legal separation. She has seen a lawyer and he says the same thing. We must divorce before the healing can begin. I do not believe in divorce and do not buy that explanation. I have been going to counseling also. I have been working very hard on myself. I do think us separating would definitely help her heal and am willing to do so. But everyone she talks to says divorce. She is scared to go against it in case we don't work out.<P>She is the only thing in my life that I care about. I can not stand to lose her but I want her to get better. Does anyone have nay suggestions on how to deal with this situation?

Welcome to the d/d forum. You will find many sympathetic ears here.<P>Have you gone to any counseling together? Have you read any of the other material on this site, and suggested your wife read it?<P>What are you doing besides attending counseling to demonstrate, in a tangible way, your internal changes? It's one thing to say you understand the problem and want to change. It's another to actually do something, and do it over and over and over and over so she believes it just might continue.<P><BR>

We went to one session and now we are going to different counselors. She says her therapist basically says she must end it in order to heal and start over again. She is currently staying with a friend and she says the same thing.<P>I have been doing things I never did like acknowledging all the little things she does. Left a rose on her pillow telling it just something to make her feel better, etc. <P>Her first counselor even had her try cybersex to build her self esteem. This went on a while and I was very suspicious because of the staying up late, etc. I then began snooping and recorded an entire days worth of instant messages and confronted her. Big mistake. Now she doesn't trust me. I even knew deep down she meant nothing but it still hurt. I have basically destroyed her self esteem over the years.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dabigtrain:<BR><B>Welcome to the d/d forum. You will find many sympathetic ears here.<P>Have you gone to any counseling together? Have you read any of the other material on this site, and suggested your wife read it?<P>What are you doing besides attending counseling to demonstrate, in a tangible way, your internal changes? It's one thing to say you understand the problem and want to change. It's another to actually do something, and do it over and over and over and over so she believes it just might continue.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

You said you stopped drinking and the abuse stopped, I was wondering if you go to AA, In AA they teach about making character changes in ourlives, I feel it very important to make these character changes, It sounds to me you are starting to see this and willing to work on yourself. Keep working on yourself keep doing plan A and time will begin to heal you and her. Do not rush into a divorce, let her take what ever steps she needs to take, stop trying to control her, give her alot of space and work on yourself.<P>

I am working on myself. I only drank to be along with the crowd. Never did drink by myself or when we were alone. <P>I don't want to rush into a divorce. Her therapist is telling her she needs to. There is no legal separation in our state. It is not recognized. I have tried to give her space. Evidently it is not enough. This has been going on for years and II have been blind. Now I can see and it looks like I am too late.

One thing I have failed to mention is we do have two children. One in their mid teens and the other almost 12.