Well, I know traffic is usually light on the weekends but I wanted to let you know that my H has sworn he will not be with the OW until he has taken the time to think things through again, but he did just leave to go back to the place where is is living beside her. As most of you know, he rented this little dump 2 1/2 months ago and it was a house that they split into two areas. The owners daughter and her 5 yr old D live in one half and my H lives in the other. His affair started 3 weeks ago with this woman. My H is severely clinically depressed but has refused to go to the doctor for help. He does have an appointment in 11 days but I doubt he will keep it.<P>Anyway, we spent the day together with the kids at his insistance. Around 8:30 tonight, I asked him if he wanted something to eat and he said he was leaving to go take a bath and go to bed. I immediately retreated upstairs to my room furious and hurt and an emotional wreck. As suspected, we had a great time today. Lots of laughs, no arguing, etc. No LB on my part and very few on his. He purposely avoided touching me in the movies, which was noticeable to me because we have always held hands at movies before. It hurt my feelings. Then again, my reaction was based on my expectations. <P>I'm so tired I'll make this shorter. I told him to give me his house key and he begged for more time to think. I said he could have all the time in the world as long as he removed himself from the potentially dangerous living situation he is in. I offered to let him stay here( I would leave) or the take one of the kids with him if he just had to go back there. He refused. He didn't seem to want to accept the reality of the choice he was making. He still wants me to hold on, be there for him, beleive in him, and trust that he will not be with this woman. We talked for 2 more hours about why I couldn't just keep hanging on in limbo for him to get his head straight. I let him know that I love him, I think that he loves me and that for my own well being, I had to be strong and not allow this double life to continue. <P>I asked him if he had a good time today and he broke down in tears. He did have a good time and it was like a slap in the face to him to realize that he is capable of having fun and being happy. He thought this was not possible in his current state of mind. For the next 2 hours, he kept saying over and over how it blew him away to face this reality. I think it confused him even more than ever because he has himself so convinced that he will never be happy again.<P>As hard as it was, I stood my ground and let him know that I was devastated that he would do the one thing I asked him not to do by returning to that situation with her right next door. I wasn't asking for him to pack his stuff and move back in with me as my H. I told him I thought it was a good idea for him to be alone to think. However, by ignoring my feelings about this, his decision was loud and clear. He is not ready to give up his relationship with this woman. I made the mistake of asking if he loved her and he said he didn't know. That answer hurt me more that the physical affair did.<P>He cried alot and didn't argue with me. Wasn't afraid to hold my hand during all this. In fact, he couldn't let go. He is afraid that I will not truly ever forgive him and that we would be miserable together if we tried again.<P>I told him that I was not giving up on us but that for my own health and the well-being of my children, I could not be there for him in any capacity until the affair was over and he had moved. He doesn't understand this. Feels I am turning my back on him. I explained I would be here when he was ready but that I couldn't guarantee how I would feel towards him if he did decide to try again. If he waits too long, my anger, resentment, pain and sadness may very well have overtaken the love and respect I had for him.<P>He is letting his fear control him. He is so afraid to fail that he won't even take a chance to see if we could succeed. I reminded him that if he had let his fear control him all his life, he would have missed out on the 11 good years of marriage we had and his 2 beautiful children. Getting married and starting a family is scary business but the benefits are so worthwhile.<P>He wants to call me tomorrow but I don't think I should take the call if he does. He hears what I am saying and generally agrees. He just feels lost and doesn't know who he is. I feel sorry for him and my heart hurts for him. I don't want to turn my back on him but Plan B seems to be my only option at this time. There is no way I can protect my heart the ways things were today. It hurts too much.<P>I love him and he knows that. I just hope he remembers it during this time that I will not be constantly reminding him and meeting his EN. I see no reason to even attempt to supply his needs until he makes an attempt to end the affair. Even though he has promised to not sleep with her again, I will always doubt as long as he is near her. <P>He might as well punched me in the stomach tonight when he pulled out of the driveway. I still don't think asking him to stay away from that place for a few days was too much to ask. He has his reasons. I told him when he gets it all figured out to let me know, until then I didn't want to see him or talk to him. This hurt him badly and I apologized for that but I just don't see another way. He keeps hurting me by getting our( the kids and me) hopes up and then leaving. <P>He is trying to turn back to God. I gave him a Bible and he wanted to take the Love Busters book with him too. I pray his soul searching will lead him back to Christ. I heard a preacher say once that I shouldn't pray for my H to love me, I should pray that he loves the Lord and that would enable him to love others the way they should be loved.<P>I have no doubt my H still loves me. Otherwise this would not be so hard on him. I know he is clinically depressed but if he will not seek out or accept help, I don't think I should use that as an excuse. Am I ready for plan B? <P>I said this would be short. Sorry about that. <P>Lynn <P>He also <BR>

I'm certainly no expert, so I can't tell you if you're ready for plan B or give you lessons- but you do sound very confident of your own feelings and motivations. Whatever you do, it sounds to me like you are operating from a strong position.<P>

I have to admit that I am very skeptical of all the talk of clinical depression. My WS was also diagnosed as depressed and refuses to take meds. How is someone supposed to feel when they have given up on love, marriage, and anything else that is real and true in the universe?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by DeeplySad:<BR>How is someone supposed to feel when they have given up on love, marriage, and anything else that is real and true in the universe?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The question is, which came first- the giving up or the depression? What caused what? My wife is totally uninterested in asking a doctor about meds- but others I know have taken them and said it cleared the haze and allowed them to think clearly about their lives.<P>

My XW went to a GP, and got on Prozac...twice. The first time we very nearly wrecked on the shore, but I was able to keep us a float. When I got medical coverage last December, she went on Prozac again, and now we are divorced, so that goes both ways, too.<P>Lynn, there was plenty there to be hopeful about, but you still take the dim view on the whole scenario about the house. What does that place mean to him? (BESIDES the OW). Could be just a safe haven to work his feelings out. It seems to me that he had a great time, his love for you was apparent, and he is feeling overwhelming guilt about his recent role in the marriage. I think it best to let him stew in that for a while. That house is not the first choice, but it represents something to him that you are not aware of. Plan B does not include denying communication, IMHO. You know, before he was the distancer, and you were the pursuer...the roles have changed now...which is good. I think that there is an article about that here somewhere, and I know that Dr. Dobson has written a lot about that situation. I am certain that it feels odd to have the shoe on the other foot, but since it is there, why not try to keep the ball rolling in a positive direction? Have you explored the other responses you could've made...like when you asked him about eating? Personally, I think he did not want to because of guilt...he wanted to retreat into his cave, and lick his wounds a little. Maybe he would've talked to the OW...but that isn't necessarily bad...he's been hit with how deeply he values the marriage...and might want to see how they fare in the scales...I think that you'd be a winner there, don't you? It might have to come down to that...be ready for it. I'd have responded with, 'Okay, but you don't mind if we all go ahead without you, do you? We are hungry, and we like the whole family eating together, and you are welcome to join us if you want to.' Then, I'd make something he likes...a LOT. The trick in this is to get HIM to react in a positive way, OR, failing that...to make him think about it some more. You are a very clever woman...I know that you can offer this stuff up to him, and he will have to deal with it. Its Plan A disguised as Plan B. Retreating is what he was doing...and then you retreated. (Dear, I know exactly how you felt, but that was God giving you an opportunity...be strong...I'm rooting for you!)<P>Anyway, I had an interesting night...I'll put it in your WFH thread. God bless -Mike

Mike,<P>I'm sick and tired. No really. I think the strep throat finally caught up with me. I've been yucky all day. Could be partly just reaction to stress but I think I'm sick. Sitting here in a cold sweat now. <P>I enjoyed reading your post about your evening. It was a brief escape from my situation and I was so glad you got to express your feelings to those insensitive people who you thought were your friends. I am proud of you. You are a great guy and I'm glad they got to see it. Good news about the saw too. I wish I had a friend to talk to and hang out with in person too. There is no substitute for a person who is willing to listen and to be supportive. You and many others here are filling that role for me now.<P>I had a best friend but lost that relationship in December due to a big problem at work. I also found out over the weekend that my H blames my friendship with her as the demise of our marriage. I did take that friendship too far as it took up several hours of my time at night talking to her on the phone. I didn't think this bothered my H but I was wrong. Now I'm a bit afraid to develop another friendship other than with my H. He saw this relationship with her as an emotional affair and I'm afraid any other friend may be seen the same way in the future. He says he always wanted me to have friends, I just went to far by getting most of my needs for admiration and companionship from her rather than him.<P>I wish I wasn't such an all-or-nothing person. That is the reason I struggle so much. I either dive head first and deep or refuse to get near the pool. This is why I can't drink. (plus I never did find that corkscrew)<P>I'm rambling now, must be the fever. I'm sorry your night started off making you uncomfortable but I am so thrilled you turned it around to benefit you and that you left a little heavier in your pockets and a little lighter in the pent-up frustration department.<P>Great things are in store for you. <P>Lynn

Cliff notes...<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000413.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 201</A><P> <P>Jim