Ok..this is my first post here....but I am familiar with the UBB, I have thousands of posts but mostly on computer hardware sites.... Anyway..on with my dilema.<P>This one is a long story but Ill make it brief. I was Married for a very short time when the knowledge of my wife cheating on me and her inability to explain to me where she was spending huge amounts of money took its tool and I left her. I immediately started seeing someone else (actually before we were even split up good). I convinced myself it was a fling but then, strangely, I fell in love with this new girl. But it was even more complicated....she was pregnant and the father of her child wanted nothing to do with her or the child. After dating a few months I took her and her baby into my home and never looked back. I pay the house payment, utilities, groceriecs, vacations, gas, etc etc, everything except for her car payment and the day care. I help around the house, do laundry, vacuum, mow the grass, do the dishes, change the diapers, whatever is needed. Usually she just complains that i dont help with the baby enough and goes to bed. she isnt intrested in me in the slightest bit anymore. half the time im on the couch it seems. I do not want to be in a relationship where I am killing myself and getting nothing in return, but when I discuss it with her she just comes up with some excuse about how she is always tired etc etc. that may be the truth....but i just cant be in a relationship where the computer and the couch are better companions than my girlfriend. problem is.....i really really love her and her son. Its breaking my heart to stay with her because it is so dead....but the thought of leaving hurts even more than that...<BR>....im just ready to take a long drive off a short pier...<BR>

Perhaps you can help more around the house and with the baby, communication is the key, find out what her needs are and try to meet them.<P>

It is so difficult dealing with a relationship that has kinks in it, but especially more so when there is a child involved.<P>You said that you were in love with this woman, but you said nothing about her feelings for you. Is she there because of the security you offered her and her child? The other question I have is how old is the child? I remember having my children and I was DEAD tired after being up all day and all night tending to them. My ex *changed diapers*....maybe one or two, but that was it. I needed concrete help like meals made once in a while or a load of wash done or the vaccum run around the house. I WAS tired.<P>Jabber's right you know. You do need to sit down with her instead of stewing inside. Tell her how you feel about HER and the situation. Tell her how much you love this little boy...and go from there.

Thanks for the encouragement. I was just having a bad night last night. I know she does loose lots of sleep, the baby is 9mo now and very special. Last night we got a babysiter for the first time since I can remember and went out to eat and to a movie....when we got home she was asleep in 5 minutes. I was beginning to feel like maybe she was just using me for security and the fact that I provide a stable home for her and her child...but not really intrested other than that. The thought rather hurt my feelings and brought back up lots of "baggage" about how I felt used when my best friend told me he was seeing my wife. That feeling of just being such a fool and the hurt is so painful that you carry the "paranoia" into future relationships, and that clouds the issue also.<P>I suspect I was over-reacting a bit last night...i think she sincerly cares for me, and i realize my expectations are unrealistic about intimacy at this point. I often hear talk shows on morning radio and on tv where it seems like "everbody" is having wonderful passionate sex two to three times a week and somthing is wrong if your not. Then I take it to heart and believe it.....start thinking "ok..2 to 4 times a month is a problem and I am always the one hitting on her" and then when she does show interest i respond with "dont do me any favors im not a charity case".<BR>

One of the hardest things in any relationship is meshing children into it. Believe me, you would be wise to listen to us *old* moms on the board! hee hee My oldest is now 18 and the youngest well into teen years. Believe me, when you have a young baby and you are tired the LAST thing you wanna do is turn on the passion lights and say "Hey BABY! Let's have a romp!" It has NOTHING to do with passion...but in order to ENJOY passion and spend MORE time making love, you have to be AWAKE! hee hee<P>I understand that you might have had one of those bad moments last night, BUT the thing that impresses ME is that you are reaching out and asking for help. A whole lot of guys wouldn't do that!<P>Communication...talk talk talk! And do a little more around the house to give Mom some time to breathe. Be open and ask her what you can do. The worst thing to do is to have expectations that if you do *x* loads of laundry you'll get *x* minutes in bed. NO NO NO! It sounds like you did have a good time last night though when you did go out. For some women, the little things count more than the *act* of sex. A backrub, a gentle touch, giving her a foot massage results in wayyyyyyyyyyyy more affection and intimacy in return. Yer a good guy for being concerned and asking for advice. Bravo!

Sounds like Post Partum Depression to me. I have changed literally thousands of diapers, and lost much sleep with cholicy babies (I was told that I 'deal with it better'). BTW place a cholicy baby on its stomach on your lap (make sure that they can breathe!)...stretch their legs out (they will try to pull them in because of the pain)...and gently rub up and down their back like a massage...pat gently, and breathe through your mouth (this is important!) In a few minutes, they will 'work it out one end or the other'. Then, just hold them, and continue to gently pat them on the back...they will cry some, and then go to sleep again.<P>Now, about the rest. First of all, I am sorry that you are here...but it seems to me that you are being played to some degree. That is not such a problem in and of itself, but the expectations that you have are based on her motives being genuine, which they do not appear to me to be. Whether that is caused by PPD, or something else, is not apparent...what is apparent is that that baby will suffer if you do not continue to take care of it. This is a noble thing that you have done, but...that is all. Seek no reward for it...because you will get none directly at this time.<P>If you want to make this work, and her motives are genuine, read 'The 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work' by John Gottman, and Nan Silver...because there is a documented case in there that reflects how a poor communication with respect to sharing the housework load can cause trouble.<P>Do you honestly feel that you do your share?<P>You need to get some sort of different perspective on this, lest it consume you. If the situation will not change, then you must change...your perception of it, or your reaction to it, or your handling of it, or all of the above...or get yourself out of it. Has she changed <I>anything</I>? If not, then compromise is not her goal, and she has put the onus on you...completely. Not particularly fair, or realistic...the question is: How much of the load are you willing to bear? (All of it?)<P>A good man may be hard to find...I don't really know, although it seems that way to me. It is apparent that she has found one, but still has needs that go unmet...some holes are just too large to fill, friend...do what you can...get able to do more...do that...because you care, and she is in a tough spot. <B>But</B>, there will come a point when enough ought to be enough. I raised my fourth son with little help from my XW, and she still left me for a divorcee that lives with his mother, and near as I can tell, spends no real time with his two kids. Go figure.<P>Take care...and keep on taking care of that baby, too. God will give you the patience you need if you ask him honestly. Babies don't have any guile, and they only have two needs: all of your time, and all of your patience. I can't help you with those, but that baby needs them from SOMEONE. God has called you to where you are at...find out why. God bless you, and them both. -Mike

Hold on here...<P>What happened to your wife? Did you get a divorce from her? and you are now living w/ a woman that is not the mother of your child? Why do I feel strange about this? Or is something not clicking in my brain this morning??<P>Thanks<BR>Tex.

Sorry Tex....the divorce is scheduled for Dec 17.<P>She is the mother of the child...it is I whom am not the biological father. Never mind that...he is precious and i could care less who donated the sperm, I am willing to take the responsiblity as long as the mom is sincere and works with me.

She may be depressed - babies are overwhelming even with a great family and support network around. Can you suggest that she see her OB for a checkup, and perhaps look into antidepressants?<P>My daughter is 9 mos. She's had 2 ear infections in the last 2 months, and a nasty cold. She won't let me put her down, and she doesn't sleep well.<P>I'm exhausted. She's alot of work even when she's feeling well. My H has started calling her "BC" for Birth Control - because its very hard to be romantic with a sick cranky baby sitting in bed btwn the spouses! <P>Babies are a stress even on the best relationships. It doesn't sound like you have a great one right now. <P>Perhaps counseling for yourself would be good for starters?<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Thanks for the encouragement! I may have made it sound worse than it is...im not on the couch that often..and I travel for a living leaving her with 85% of the child care (although lots of women I know say they do 85% with their husbands home every night...lol). So I guess with all that going on...and me being gone...intimate time together 2-4 times a month is almost what you would expect. Of course there are some physical effects from child birth that can make sex less desirable...and she is apparently effected by that. (I just found this out when we had a talk last night). Any advice about that area might be appreciated. I suggested she see a doctor...she suggested it might take up to another 6 months to know if she needs to see a doctor.<P>As far as the rest...well she is a customer service manager at grocery store and works damm hard, I both respect and admire her for that. She has an inner strength that I can not describe...even when Timmy left her pregnant..no home..no good paying job..no support...she never complained, she never waivered (unlike some people around here), she just dug in and worked the problem. She has so much courage...how could I not fall in love with her. I just hope she feels the same for me. I havent had to do anything, I have an excellent career, Im self-made self supported and self condfident, my concerns and accomplishments pale in comparison to the strengths she has. Sure Im a fighter..but its easy to fight when you've got skills,money and talent. I havent had to really "work" at anything since the i finished putting myself through college on full academic scholarships. But someone who can rise up from nothing and make a life.....not thats a special person!<P>Id do well to keep my complaints to myself and just try to support her through this. She bought a puppy (one more thing to take care of) but she seems to like it. I was going to raise hell, but Im not. What she wants she gets...<P><p>[This message has been edited by UnNecessary (edited August 14, 2001).]

BrambleRose...is there a smoker in your house? Chronic ear infections happen in houses where there is a smoker...I know...I was guilty of that! You can't put them down because the fluid pressure hurts their ears too much. Do you have one of those swings? Sometimes, they can sleep in those for a little while...it gives you a rest anyway...them, too. I am glad to hear that he is still there, and you two are together still. <P>UnNecessary...you appear to me to be outwardly confident, and inwardly...a bowl of oatmeal...am I wrong here? From your handle, to your actions, and thoughts. When is what you have done going to be enough <I>for you</I>? Maybe you are doing enough, maybe not...what do you think...honestly? -Mike

Since you seem to have singled me out for some strange reason, commenting about people complaining which I know was directed at me, all I can say is you have a lot of issues that you need to deal with from your mother, to your cheating wife, to your girlfriend and from just the extent of how you decided to judge and go after me - I think you just hate women and will never trust any of us.<P>Do me a favor friend, leave me out of your comments.<P>------------------<BR>Kathy

Issues....well yes. Who doesnt? <P>Bowl of oatmeal. Well not exactly the phrase I would have chosen but I am very sensitive...at times too sensitive. I have always had a hard time letting go of issues or things I feel people did to me...my success in life is in part my response to that sort of thing. Being successful is how I "GET BACK" if you will. Its a pretty good coping strategy though as it is very rewarding.<P>I resumed my Tae Kwon Do training after a year of "slouching"...got demoted from Brown Belt from Blue....no matter if I stick with it I will have Black by next summer...<P>Waiting...thats a tough question...but I am not a good judge. Like most guys, im kinda lazy around the house and Id let her do it all if I thought I could get away with it. But then again, thats not right. So how she feels about it is more important. Im happy as long as I have time for my few hobbies.<P>PS...you really should quit that smoking!