Does anyone else ever feel as though work comes first to your husband - before you and your marriage? This is becoming more of an issue for me lately when I realize that no matter what I am doing - work will always be his main concern. He ends up working now 6-7 days per week. Coming home at all hours of the night (twice last week it was 4:30AM). His job is a 9-5 type so all of these hours are not expected by his company. For those of you that will now ask, yes, MOST of the time I can tell you that he really was working late at the office. Of course there are many times I can't reach him there. <P>Anyone else feel 2nd in the marriage? What have you done/said to have your spouse put your marriage first.

After a few years of unstable job history, my H is now a workaholic at whatever he does...mostly to try to keep from getting let go. Yes, I do think work comes first with him...because I won't reject him if he "slacks off", whereas a new boss might be the demanding parent for whom nothing is good enough. <P>My H often works 1/2 days on Saturdays; work he could do during the week. He just can't take the pressure of having things hanging over his head.<P>Is your H the sole breadwinner? That could be one reason. Is he intimidated by authority figures? That could be another one. Reading your other posts, it also seems as if he's trying to escape.<P>What I try to do with my H is come up with easy, close, things we can do together -- hikes, art shows, movies we both might like, going out to brunch -- so we do SOMETHING together on the weekends, other than hang out and watch baseball and do laundry. It seems to be working. My H is home every night, and he's been very sweet, affectionate, and thoughtful.<P>Am I right that you've reacted to him being a workaholic by overeating, and that's why you have the weight problem now? <P>At this point, your best bet, IMHO, is to keep with the Weight Watchers. Don't talk about it, just do it. Indeed, you might want to talk to a physician to speed up the works. Ordinarily, I am not in favor of dieting, but in your case it might be beneficial. Be as nice to him as you can and don't make demands. Basically, you're doing a "Plan A" without an affair. Don't nag him about work.<P>Workaholism is about issues the workaholic has...I'm not sure you can do anything about it, except make home a place he WANTS to be. Put HIM first, that's the best way to make him put YOU first. <P>I always thought that I gave and gave and gave...but apparently I gave the wrong things. Now I think I'm closer to getting it right.

Dazed,<P>It is nice when someone has read a few of your posts and can start to put it together like you are able to do. You are absolutely right, he has even at some points told me that the reason he doesn't come home and works late is because there is nothing for him at home. Like I have mentioned in other posts, he feels like our lives are just in stalled mode right now. <P>As far as some of his other motivating factors, it really isn't that he is the breadwinner. I have actually always made more than him. I am sure he can't feel too much pressure to support us in that way. I think you are right though that it probably is his way of escaping being at home with me. <BR>Your idea of coming up with more things together sounds great - the problem I have is I can't get him to take the time to be with me for any of those fun activities. I feel like I am dying waiting for some of his time. I would do ANYTHING fun that he wants to do. He just needs to make time for us though. <P>Tell you what, I am going to email him right now and suggest that we plan a weekend away. Let's see how that goes over. I would do anything at this point.<P>Thanks again!!

Update, well I just tried to call him and try and make plans....he isn't at work (and not at home). Now I get sent into the depression again.

Alisa, is he always at his desk when he's at work? I mean, on the rare occasions when my H calls me at work, I'm always either in a meeting, in the bathroom, or getting coffee.<P>It may not mean anything.<P>Let me go back and read more of your posts and see if I can get a handle on the "someone else" factor, because I don't recall if this is a concern of yours.<P>Meanwhile, job #1 for you is to take care of yourself. When you feel better about yourself, he will feel better about you. <P><BR>As far as activities together are concerned, a whole weekend away might put too much pressure on him. Make the activities SMALL, and preferably something that involves getting OUT and WALKING -- an art show, a hike, a museum, a dog show, something like that. <P>I'll get back to you.<P>Dazed