I'm in the same situation as I was 2 months ago. My husband doesn't seem happy, but will tell me nothing or do anything about it. We just continue to go through the motions. Also, we still have sex regularily (a few times a week) which I feel is meaningless. We show no affection toward each other any other time, so why continue this? My H leaves for Florida Saturday to go on a vacation alone. He wants space and time to think. Well, I sure hopes he comes up with something because I feel like a yo-yo just dangling here waiting for him to pull me back. I have confronted him several times about our future, but he refuses to make a decision. I want our marriage to work and I know it can, but not until he can honestly say he is willing to work on it with me. Once he says that, I feel we can go nowhere but forward. He has refused to commit to improving things in the past. He just sits on things and waits for them to change. Meanwhile, I am left wondering whether I will be alone or with him the next day. I feel powerless in deciding my own future. I also am seeing many sides of my H that I never knew existed and don't particularily like. There are so many unsolved issues, but with no communication, I don't see us going anywhere. <BR>Anyone who has advice for me or has gone through this type of situation, please comment. Thank you.<p>[This message has been edited by staceym (edited May 25, 1999).]

STACEYM,<P>AN UNDERSTANDING AND COMMUNICATION IS A KEY FACTOR OF RELATIONSHIP. I LIKE TO TRY AND GO FOR A WALK WITH MY WIFE AT NIGHT AFTER<BR>ALONG DAY,AND EXPRESS HOW I FEEL AND JUST BE OPEN WITH EACH OTHER . MAYBE YOU BOTH NEED A VACTION. RATHER THEN HIM JUST RUNNING A WAY FROM HIS SITITUATION. I GIVE YOU THE UP MOST GRADUTE TO ADMITTING THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM,AND THAT YOUR WILLING TO WORK OUT WITH YOUR HUSBAND.WHAT EXACTLY ARE THE FUTURE PLANS THAT YOU WISH TO DISCUSS WITH HIM? AND SOMETIMES IT IS BETTER TO LEAVE THE PAST IN THE PAST. BUT SINCE YOU HAVE MY FULL ATTENTION ,WHAT UNSOLVED DISCUSSION OR PROBLEM WAS LEFT IN THE PAST?<P>KEVIN

Kevin,<BR>A few months ago my husband began bringing up petty things he didn't like in our marriage (to my surprise). I was considerate to his comments and began to "work on" those things. They were small things like going out with his work friends more and having sex more often. Since then, we have gone out with friends numerous times and our sex life is great! Although, my husband still seems unhappy. He says he doesn't think he's the "marrying kind." This all comes after what I thought were 3 good years of marriage. My H also has a teenage son that I am very close with that I don't want to sacrifice. I am being very patient, sincere & considerate to all of his comments and concerns, but it seems I am the only on who wants to improve the situation. This vacation he is taking alone is supposed to be so he can think things over and clear his mind. But I know the main factor in all this is his work. They overwork him to death, but he won't say anything. He told me yesterday that he was approved for overtime on a project when he gets back. To me, that will only put him back into the rut he was in that caused him to want to take this vacation to start with. Anyway, I pray he comes back with a clearer head and a will to improve our marriage, because I can't do it alone.<BR>Thank you for your comments, Kevin.<BR>Stacey<p>[This message has been edited by staceym (edited May 26, 1999).]

staceym I'M GLAD THINGS HAVE WORK OUT BETTER FOR YOU FOR THE TIME BEING,BUT REMEMBER THERE IS A FLIP SIDE TO THE COIN YOU HAVE TO CONSIDER;WHEN HE COMES BACK FROM HIS TRIP WHAT THEN?DO YOU FEEL YOU BOTH MAYBE SHOULD GO TO COUNSELLING? YOUR TRYING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE BY BEING SUPPORT OF,AND THAT'S WHAT MARRIAGE IS ABOUT,.AND A INCREASE OF WORK AND BEING ACCEPTED FOR OVERTIME IS GREAT, EXTRA MONEY IS ALWAYS GOOD TO HAVE;SOME ARE SO LUCKY,BUT THERE'S CONSIQUENCES(STRESS,TIREDNESS....) BUTS THAT'S LIFE EVERYONE HAS BILLS,EVERYONE HAS STRESS .BUT YOU MAKE YOUR BED YOU LAY IN IT ,WE ALL HAVE CHOICES.YOU SOUND LIKE AN INTELLIGENT LADY AND YOUR MAKING SUGGESTIONS,SO WHAT'S LEFT.RELATIONSHIPS ARE LIKE A HOUSE ,YOU KEEP BUILDING+BUILDING.BRICK BY BRICK. I LOVE HEARING ABOUT MARRIAGE THAT LASTED OVER 30 YEARS ,I ADMIRE THEM .BUT YOU NEVER HERE HOW BAD THERE PAST WAS SO EASY ,THEY COMMUNICATATED HAD PATIENCE,WORKING TOGETHER ,ADMITTING WHEN THERE WRONG ,HONESTY ETC...ON YOUR LAST COMMENT HIS SAYS"HE'S NOT THE MARRYING KIND" WELL HOW ABOUT YOUR VOWS YOU SPOKE TO ONE ANOTHER? LET HIM KNOW THAT YOUR SOUL MATE TO HIM,AND THAT YOUR THERE FOR HIS TROUBLE TIMES,AND TOGETHER WE CAN ACCOMLISH ANYTHING.IT IS HARD TO WORK ONE SIDED SOMETIMES, BUT THERE HAS TO BE ONE THAT IS CALM &SUPPORT OF AND STRONG.YOUR ARE TRYING AND AT LEAST YOU CAN'T SAY YOU HAVEN'T DONE THAT.I'LL LEAVE YOU NOW I HOPE I'VE HELP .STAY STONG.AND REMEMBER YOUR NOT ALONE. P.S SOMETIMES IT'S GOOD TO REMEBER WHERE YOU CAME FROM AND PAST CAN SOMETIMES BE GOOD WHEN HE GETS BACK FROM HIS TRIP YOU SHOULD MAYBE TAKE A DRIVE TO WHERE YOU FIRST MET.BUT IN THE MEANWHILE ,YOU SHOULD GO OUT AND PICK HIM OUT A NICE WATCH ,ON THE DAY HE LEAVES FOR HIS TRIP GIVE IT TO HIM AND LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE TIME FOR HIM.AND THE SAME TIME HE WILL BE WEARING AND THINKING OF YOU CONSTANTLY WHEN HIS GONE KEEP YOURSELF BUSY GO FOR A WALK. KEEP YOURSELF BUSY ACTIVELY. TAKE CARE KEV

Kevin,<BR> We have both been to counseling, although the counselor believed that the issues lie more with my H, so we bagan going separately (at the request of the therapist). I did not agree with this as I think we should learn to work through things together, not separately. I have stopped going as it had been getting expensive. My H still goes, although he cancelled his last appointment for prior obligation reasons. A friend he works with told me he said he wasn't really opening up to the counselor. I wish he would so he could release some feelings from his chest.<BR> You're right, I am working very hard and being very patient with him. I have told him that my vows are very important to me and I refuse to break them. I have come up with a small solution to one of our larger problems...money. I have decided that we should have separate checking accounts. Many couples do, and since we disagree on money so much, it seems logical. I have split up the bills evenly and believe that he will really like this idea. That way he has total control of his own money again. I think this will solve many disagreements we have had. We've always made financial decisions together and I really would rather keep our joint account, but this new idea seems better.<BR> Thanks again for you suggestions. <BR>Take care, <BR>Stacey

Stacey,<P>I know what you are going through. I've been married for 18 months -- and my wife told me four months ago that she is not happy. Instead of communication -- we blew up at eachother. She never talked to me about any of her feelings. Were now separated, I'm doing all I can to have patience - to communicate, and let her know that I don't want a divorce. I love my wife very much and see many great things happening if we can work together. She has put up a huge wall and won't let me in. We have three boys which I miss very much. It hurts me to know that we all are experiencing pain. The outcome of this rests on my wifes decision on what she wants to do. She is very scared to let me in -- for fear she will get hurt again, etc. I think about them everyday. I spend some weekends with them -- but it's not anything close to be affectionate with my wife. My boys are always excited to see me. I've also been going to counseling. I've been told I need to get other things going in my life besides waiting for my wife to make up her mind. I know how that Yo-Yo thing feels. I pray alot, talk to people who support me -- and do everything I can to let my wife know I love her. It's good to have patience and look for the good when things happen. I would love to spend time with her -- but she is always too busy. I know that if we open up to eachother, compromise, negotiate, and work together our marriage will work. Right now my wife doesn't see it that way. This probably doesn't help out much. But your not alone. <BR>Jonathan