My wife of over 20 years is divorcing me without cause (my opingion). We are both born-again Christians and didn't believe in divorce (or so I thought). The divorce papers have been filed, and I have two years until the divorce becomes final. We are still in the same house even though she wants me out. She refuses to counsel, or really do anything with me, but she contiunes to play board games with me and our children (ages 12 and 15). She is pleasant and acts like nothing is wrong when we are playing games with our children.<BR>What is up with that? Is she trying to drive me crazy? She has some severe emotional problems which I believe is the reason for what she is doing, but how can she be so nice and still want to destroy our family and divorce me?

Hi Joe,<P>That is very strange. My X was supposedly born-again too while behind the scenes he always had 1 or 2 mistresses waiting around. From the couple years I've been on this forum, when a spouse refuses to counsel or has a strong "resolve" to divorce, there's usually another person involved. Now I'm not saying that's true for your wife, just that's how it usually seems to end up.<P>There has to be more to it. See how much communication you can muster between the two of you to find out just what needs she has maybe that aren't being met and try to Plan A if you can. You still have two years. Personally, I wouldn't leave the house because you don't have to. Do the kids know anything about all this?<P>I really don't know what to say other than I'm sorry. When your spouse lays this on you, you are powerless to stop it. After all those years of having it take two parents to make a family work, it only takes one to make a divorce. Sad. I wish you the best.<P>------------------<BR>Kathy<p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited August 12, 2001).]

Hi Joe,<P> I am a trained teacher librarian, so you're handle interested me!<P>I have only been here a short time, but I can teel you that th WS always seem to play "games". One minute nice, the next venomous, and it changes all the time. See my post for today to see what I mean.<P>Have you read as much as you can on this site yet? It will give you some idea of how the WS thinks (or doesn't think, because they're in 'the fog'), and ways to help yourself make a plan to do the best you can under the circumstances.<P>You may have some advantage over a lot of us here, because you still co-habitate. Wish I was, more opportunity to "Plan A".<P>Coming here is a good step....there are lots of people here who will offer you good advice.<P>Keep posting!<P>

My XW is a page, so your handle interested me, too! But, I read because I had to answer that question...YUP, they seem to thrive on 'yanking you chain', 'pushing your buttons', etc.<P>WAS have a great deal of angst, and guilt over doing things that are against their value system. They need to push all of that onto you...all of it. You would do best not to defend yourself at all...and do not pursue her at all, either. You just feed their need when you do that. I'd make it more or less analogous to playing those board games...make your behavior mirror hers in that respect. Play the hand that is dealt to you...you know its all twos, and threes, etc....but the 'ace in the hole' is that you know that it is a game, and she does not. She thinks that she is acting according to her feelings, but her behavior can be predicted with a great deal of accuracy. Your actions can be thought out beforehand, and you can win in this, and keep your marriage, but you need to get smart fast, my friend...very smart, very fast.<P>Since you work at the library, you probably have access to a lot of information. Here is a brief bibliography of the BS toolkit:<BR>Start with 'His Needs, Her Needs', and everything else by the Harley's....plus this entire site.<BR>Next, read 'Divorce Busting', and anything else by Michelle Weiner-Davis...she is a genius in marriage counseling, too.<BR>Then, read 'The 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work' by John Gottman, and Nan Silver. It isn't too appropos at this juncture, but a lot of insight into why your marriage is where it is at can be gleaned from reading it.<P>Do this ASAP, because you need to get to the next step quickly...<P>Take a night ALONE, and a box of Kleenex...and 'Love Must Be Tough' by Dr. James Dobson. This is your reality now.<P>Next, you can take on of several paths, depending on how you fared with the hardcore realizations that the previous steps gave you. <A HREF="http://www.restorem.org" TARGET=_blank>Restore Ministries</A> has some <I>very</I> helpful materials, and it Christian based...I like their stuff!<P>You need to select some sort of personal therapy in order to deal with this, and move on (with, or without her...you are not staying where you are at, regardless...get that part straight before you nail your shoe to the floor...because if you do that, you will be alone for sure!) Most folks get on anti-depressants. I have chosen not to because I cannot afford them, or counseling, or therapy, either...so I have to get my solace from my Bible, and NLP, and here...but you know, that ain't all bad...and people share their information, and everything else, so I am in good shape, despite a rather grim personal/financial situation.<P>At some point you will ask yourself where the bottom is...I will tell you what God told me...it is wherever you want it to be. You can lose as much as you are willing to lose in this...nothing, or everything, or something in between. It is up to you.<P>You can do us all a favor as a librarian...and get Genie Laborde's (I think) 'Influencing With Integrity'...it is a layperson's guide to Neuro-Linguistic Programming...which is a physcholgical tool for achieving excellence in all of your endeavors. I have taken a great interest in it, but it is rather complex, and difficult to apply without professional help.<P>I have rambled enough for now, you have much to think about, and do...please remember not to pursue her, and get your Plan A going yesterday...it is your foundation in building your new relationship with her. (Please understand the difference...you want to maintain your old relationship...that is not going to happen...give it up.)<P>For my part, I will pray for you, and your wife, and your children, Joe. I respect and admire you for coming here. As a man, I know how difficult it is to come here broken hearted, and to ask for help. I also know that you must value her, and your family a great deal to do this. It actually takes much more courage to do this, than to rely on your own pride (read up on that in your Bible!) to keep you stable. God bless you...read Psalm 51 every day! -Mike

Ohio attorney here doing family law and also a member of Focus on the Family Attorney Ministry. Not going to add much but sometimes(99%) of the time, when there is a breakdown, it is not all one person-it takes both. Generally there is a breakdown in communication, ususally unnoticed by one or both spouses. Dr. Dobson wrote a very good article in his magazine on how to handle situations like yours. Let her go in the sense of not responding or asking for or demanding answers. Respond only with love and kindness. You may be surprised. Not sure I agree not wanting to do counseling is a sign of an affair. Many times it is someone who has tried to bring out problems in the past, no response, anad has given up. I'm not saying that is true in your case. Please remember being a Christian is not a guarantee all will go right. Many reasons for this, but remember what the Bible says, it will rain equally on the righteous andn unrighteous. God Bless You. Lee<P>------------------<BR>