YALL ARE GREAT!!! THANKS FOR THE PICK-ME-UP!<P>Can anyone point me to a message board where the people are not so pathetic? I am looking for inspiration. I don't want to be subject to my WS's (soon to be X) every emotional whim. My life isn't a toy in her silly romance novel existence. No Plan A...No Plan B. It is time for Plan ME. My wife's 4th affair in 6 years of marriage is the last one I will ever go through with her. I have a son to raise to be a strong man. I have been down this road too many times and I want to talk with people who are successfully healing very battered hearts and minds. I find some of these posts helpful but most just make me hurt more. These WS's (especially those with kids) are sickos. I want to find strength to go on without her and to find and nurture a love with someone who will love back in the real sense. Where do I need to go to find these kinds of posts? I am tired of giving and not getting. This is all too depressing.<P>DS<p>[This message has been edited by DeeplySad (edited August 13, 2001).]

I guess the board's just in a down cycle right now. Summer blues? I've noticed it has been negative lately after being positive for a while. You, more than anyone, should understand the rollercoaster of emotions.<P>I too am a BS.<P>Have your read "Love Must be Tough" by Dobson. I think it would do you some good.<P>Remember that it is your WS who is doing the wrong, not you. Despite any failings you may have had because you didn't know what to do, it pales in comparison to what your wife is knowingly doing. As my very smart grandmother said, "You did the best you could with what you knew". Remember that despite everything she tells you about you being so bad, blah, blah, blah; that she is only doing it to color the other person as all good and you as all bad to justify her actions. The only possible way she could do such a horrible thing is because you are such a "horrible" person. Nevermind that she has stayed with you all this time. I only became a terrible spouse once she became involved with the OM. Gee, sorry, I'm just no match against a fantasy.<P>I think most therpists don't have a clue when they blame the BS for the actions of the WS. I think that they believe the lies that WS's put out. Staple a label on the forehead of any WS that reads "Liar" and it will save a lot of time and effort. <P>Life is just not that simple. Many factors come into play when a person cheats, most are beyond the control of the BS. The WS puts away all morals in order to do what makes them happy, destroying any self-esteem that they have. The OP doesn't have the good sense to realize that if the WS cheats on their spouse then there is a good chance that the WS will cheat on them. The WS and OP are selfish, pure and simple. No morals, no good sense.<P>Yes, WS's are sickos. They are so terribly unhappy that they would do such terrible things. My XW is very unhappy from what I can tell. When will it dawn on her that she is still so terribly unhappy and I'm not around anymore?<P>I have my daughter who loves to be with me. (am primary custodian) It drives my XW insane. My XW tries to coerce my daughter (5) into living with her. I basically have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy with my daughter. It's hard enough being a kid without being caught in adult problems. Still, the mention of the OM makes my stomach turn.<P>I am as happy as I can be right now. It's been a long hard road, but my XW's cheating and the divorce are having less and less of an effect on me. I have a great daughter, great job (albeit in an uncertain IT field right now), a great place to live, and good money. My truck's really old and screwed up, but I just need to find and buy something better.<P>I know that what my XW has built is a house of cards. It will NEVER be what she thinks it will be. Statistically I know this and from experience I know this. At this point, I am glad that I am divorced. I can finally feel sane after dealing with her for so long, trying in every way to make it work. I leave with a clear conscience.<P>4 affairs in 6 years eh? And she wasn't happy with them either or she would have stayed with them. Can anyone see the focal point of the problem here?<P>Cut her loose. Take your son. Move on.<P>Kevin <P>

Nothing pathetic here. Although still being messed around a bit by my XW who was the WS, my battle is to resist temptation to devastate her career with some information she accidentally left in my hands. In some ways it would have been better if I didn't have this stuff. Then I could have just been angry. Instead, I've been angry and, like Peter Sellers' <I>Dr. Strangelove</I>, trying to keep a rebellious part of myself in check. Things could still go either way. <P>People often come on this board at a low point. That's not to say that their lives are pathetic, just that they do indeed have to contend with some pain.

It sounds like you are angry and moving on very well, good for you. It was not my fault that EW left me for OM I made mistakes, but she knew what she was doing. It is important to take care of yourself and your child, learn to develop a new way of thinking and living, start over doing the things you want, I have met so many good people since the D I sometimes wonder why I stayed with my EX for so long there were many years of pain and frustration, I know I loved her, but she has went out of her way to make sure I would never want her back, so I have moved forward everyday even when it seems I go backwards I still know it is progress for me. Take care of yourself<P>

Now this is exactly what I have been looking for! I need want to be where yall are someday. I know it isn't me now. I feel sorry for my soon to be X but at some point you have to crawl from the wreckage. Hopefully my son won't think it is ok to be dumped on by a bad woman for so long as I put up with it. Of course her coldness turned on him at times, but he is a uniquely strong, forgiving, and compassionate boy. I am more optimistic for him than I am for myself.<BR> I could give you a million examples of things I did to try to make her feel special and loved from, massages, bringing my own baked cakes to her at work, meeting her for lunch, sending flowers, endlesss compliments, multiple fantastic trips these last 2 years etc. Good luck to her in finding someone else who will do all of that.<BR>I got our kid to practices, allergy appointments, and played with him everyday. I earned nearly the same amount as she did this year too. Good luck to her because she is really high maintenance for such a filthy woman.<BR> Thanks for the support and inspiration. Time to get strong and move forward. BTW, does anyone have advice on divorce procedures? Maybe thats a different post but :<BR> Adultery vs. No-Fault<BR> Shared custody (w/ me as primary) vs. me custody and her visitation,<BR> etc.......<P>Anyway Thanks again.<BR>DS<BR>

Knew you'd come around...we're not too bad here, are we???<P>Nina

No, Not Bad at all. There are some very compassionate people here.<BR> My mood swings are making me dizzy. I'm feeling a little depressed because my wife blew off a football thing for my son. Heck with it. I better get ready for this being a solo deal before long anyway. I didn't tell him she would come anyway so he wasn't dissapointed.<BR> Thanks again for the lift before guys.<P>DS<BR>

<BR>Start here. <A HREF="http://www.divorceinfo.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.divorceinfo.com</A> <P>Be strong and start working on yourself and your child. You are very definitely not alone here. My wife has dragged our family into two or three affairs that I know of. I have three great kids and I will be there primary parent, no ifs or butts about that. Yes I have come to know it all, from divorce being served to me in front of the children to hearing that my 15 years of love and devotion were just an illusion “she was never happy” and yes the world is still square.<BR>Try not to buy into everything she might say to you in order to fill better about her betrayals. This is common. “ People don’t fall out of love then have affairs, They have affairs and fall out of love”. Read Dobson, he’s on target. The WS will lie, hurt you, be secretive and in general proceed has if they have blinders on, everyone is expandable to them and selfishness rules the day. Like me you need to break loose and move on for the sake of your children and yourself. In short order you will find this very liberating, but you need to make the decision to let go. You are not a doormat and there are reasons that she has affairs, they might be very deep rooted. <BR>There is a saying that comes to mind and you have heard it before. “ Fool me once shame on you – Fool me twice shame on me. Like my wife yours will most likely never find true happiness but always look for the “in love moment” it is not real nor does it last. <BR>At some point I hope they come to realize that. But you need to become strong and happy that she no longer can affect your life. Your child is now your complete focus, nothing else. Keep your conversations with her down to very little. She lessens you.<BR>

Adam, you are correct.<P> You described my wife perfectly. I have made the decision to move on. I have been deciding on how to proceed. I need to choose a lawyer this week and get the ball rolling. We've already decided on property and custody issues. She is dying to get out of this situation. <BR> I know exactly what you mean. My faithful love has been STOLEN for 6+ years and 5 years before that together. An illusion but hardly a convincing one. She has been so cruel waiting for my son to be strong enough (no one really is but you know what I mean) was all that has kept me in this.<P> What is "Dobson" that you referred to? Must be a good book. I am very sure that you are correct about the affairs preceding the falling out of love. My wife doesn't dispute this anyway. Of course her reasons may be deep-rooted. Then again maybe she is just a vain, selfish slut who likes to bang lots and lots of tall buff men and to h*ll with her son, husband, parents, etc.<BR> What a let down she is. Other than her looks, she has nothing in the universe. She better hope she keeps her looks awhile because she'll have nothing in the world after that.<BR> In weak moments, I feel sad for her. She had one friend and confidante in whole world who was her cousin/ maid of honor/best friend. This cousin actually let her and her boyfriend stay at her apartment when she was supposed to be down there with her parents. Little did either of them know there was a P.I. that followed them there and waited there all night. That night was my big eye-opening. Big Fun.<BR> Shortly after this last affair her cousin was killed in a car wreck. I am sympathetic to my soon to be X, but when things go wrong with the next guy, she can't call me that's for sure. I was there with her through the funeral too. Her parents thought it admirable too that I would still support her. <BR> When I was driving her back from the city of the funeral she says <BR> "I didn't ASK you to come"<BR> Well that's fine...that was our last trip together anyway. Good luck to her.<P>DS<P>

I'm glad I'm not the only one that finds this forum very negative at times. When I first found MB and started reading the posts, it was depressing for me. This forum has helped me understand dating more because I was extremely scared due to the emotional abuse I went through.<P>On the positive side: I left XH and lived in a one bedroom apt for 4 months by myself, then my girls realized how their dad was and all 3 of us finished out the lease (8 months)(3 women in a 1 bedroom apt/1 bathroom, grrr), then moved to a 2 bedroom w/ a loft for a year, then bought a 3 bedroom house about 4 months ago. I still have to work 2 jobs to have extra money to do things, but I would rather loose a little sleep than be stressed about money.<P>I live about 30 min from the beach. I have 2 girls ages 16 & 15. I take them & their friends everywhere and have a blast because kids are just fun to be with - no worries. We have ridden the ferry, crabbed, swam at the beach, gone to IHOP @ midnight, played cards, dominoes, gone out to eat, walked along the seawall at the souvenier shops, went bowling, movies, rode bicycles, went shopping, etc...... This is the most fun I have had all my life. I am spending every moment I can with my girls because they will not be around much longer.<P>And the ironic thing is, sometimes after I come home from my 2nd job, my grass will be mowed, edged and the house is clean without me even asking. Their friends love to see me walk in the door. Life has been so much fun for me now and I am doing crazy things I would have never been allowed to do in my marriage. Have fun with your kids - that is what they will remember. And I have learned when you are having fun, all the troubles seem to go away and are trivia.

I plan on having a great time. I'm hurting now but my son is a real pick-me-up. His laughter is like a magic drug that helps dull my pain.<BR>He is coming to work with me (just a short thing) tonight and we are going to dinner afterward. He is still reading great books every night (he laughs at those..."The Watsons go to Birmingham" right now...) and doing football and acing his classes.<P>Thanks Elliot45, your story was a real pick-me up. That is how I envision myself someday. He is going to be a great man and we are going to have fun. I was 18 when he was born so I'll be able to keep up. I'm getting in major shape right now. We'll do music together too. XW will miss all that. Too bad so sad. My parents are building a monster lakehouse down about 3 hours south of us that will be our retreat. He has his own room with a loft that has a fireman's pole to slide down into the main part. You think we will have some fun out there? Oh yea. Will my wife ever see that property again. Nope.<P>DS<BR>

Lucky you, a lakehouse, how nice!!!!!! I wish I had a weekend retreat. The more time I spend with my girls, the closer we get and no one can ever take that bond away. Yesterday when I got home from work my 15 year old met me at the mailbox talking on the phone, just to give me a hug, a long hug --- very sweet memorable moment, plus she had mowed the backyard for me.... <P>Kids are funny, I have seen mine be very naive and innocent, but smart at the same time. They should never get caught in the middle of divorce, unfortunately it happens. They are smarter than we think and your son will see what his mother is doing in time, you have to be patient. Believe me, it was hard for me not to say negative things about their dad, but someone I managed to keep my head up and move on. The most difficult thing for me was when they were excited about their dad calling or showing up at an extra curricular activity, I sucked it up and shared their happiness with them, grrrrrr. My old saying is attitude is everything and only you can control that!!!!! Thanks for keeping things on the positive side for a change...