I'm doing the Plan B thing, where I've cut off communication with my wife until she leaves/cuts of relations with the Other Man(OM). She's called twice from her work in the last 5 days, but never leaves a message. I just know she called because of the caller ID. Both times I was home and could have answered the phone, but my gut says to just let her make the move. If she didn't leave a message I don't think it was very important, or maybe it was very important and I'm just not answering. What should I do? She has my e-mail, she could leave a note at the house when she visits our dog when I'm at work. Is this the right thing to do? <P>My story is "8 and 1/2 years changed in one month" if you want to read more of the whole story. It was posted about a week ago. <P>Thanks for any feedback,<BR>FF63

Plan B is Plan B. If she has business, she'll tell you. I think her visits to the dog are questionable. Too much opportunity to feel familiar and comfortable with free run of your place. <P>She's obviously feeling something. If she had business with you, she would state it ... so these calls are likely in the realm of feelings. Either she will feel the pressure, and crack, or she will stop calling. Best to find out which it will be ... at the earliest possible juncture.

So, are you saying to answer the phone and talk to her, or to Plan B and not talk to her? <P>She's only been out of the house for 3 weeks, and the locks will be changed next week. I agree that free reign of the house when I'm gone, sucks. She has a lot of her stuff at the house since she's living at her parents and looking for an apartment right now.

I wish I could give you an answer, but my situation was so different. My X wanted me to come back, but my mind was made up and if I did, I would have gone through the emotional abuse twice as bad. I think if you wait it out and she truly has feelings for you, she will get ahold of you. She knows your e-mail address and knows when you will be home.<P>You are very sweet to let her have free reign of the house. Be careful, people do crazy things with material items when they are hurt and feel betrayed.

You don't drop in and out of Plan B. Which means any communication with her must be strictly business ... and brief at that. <P>I'd lock her away from the dog. A dog is not a child. Letting her in the house to see the dog not only puts your house and stuff at risk, it is a vestige of warmth to her that she should not be allowed to feel coming from you.

I understand about the dogs, I'm sure it was you who said they were just like your children. But Plan B is that...no contact, and I think that means if she specifically wants to see the dogs, you take them to a neutral person, and she picks them up or sees them from there, just like people with kids do.<P>As to the phone calls, if you're serious about Plan B, then no contact; do not answer that phone - it only gives her an opportunity to speak to you, and you want NO contact. Until she meets your specific requests. And she can let you know that in other ways.<P>Did we help?

I totally understand what everyone means about no contact, and I think that is best. She e-mailed me tonight and it was asking about the dog being ok with me working long hours, she said she was going to call tomorrow. I called her parents who she is living with and told them to tell her that the dog is perfectly fine. There is no need to call me tomorrow. <P>Thank you everyone for your reply's.<BR>

FF63, My 48 yr. old H had an A with a 22 yr. old married OW who worked for us. They moved in together 12-3-00. My H came back for 1.5 months in April and then finally ended their relationship recently, though there is still some contact. <P>I was only able to plan A briefly, since my H was living with OW, before I started Plan B. This was what brought my H home the 1st time, even though he wasn't really ready. After I filed for divorce, it was essentially another Plan B for 2 months before he called and told me it was over with OW and she's back with her H (they've been together since Jr. High and she had also decided she and her H were "just friends").<P>My point is that you're in the position of my OW's H. Nothing changes overnight. I know how scary it feels to be where you are, but if you made a plan, stick to it. I agree with "Nina too" about the dog. <P>The age difference eventually starts to make a difference. At first it doesn't matter, but after a while they realize they don't really have much in common. <P>Obviously, I can't promise you that your situation will end like my H's OW's, but if you try to have faith, come here to vent your feelings, and work on yourself and your life - since you're a gregarious guy, go out and have fun, keep yourself busy, and stick to your plan. Good luck.

Hi,<P>I'm writing because I also don't know whether to pick the phone up when my H calls. I decided it was best not to take his calls, but slipped up last Thursday. I realised my mistake as soon as I picked the phone up. So I just said we have nothing to say to each other, why is he calling. Then he said again that he is moving away. (He is moving 600 kilometers away). I said he should speak to my lawyer. Then I said OK? And he started going 'uh huh, uh huh, uh huh' everytime I say ok? So I put the phone down. I really think he expected a big reaction out of me, for me to beg him to stay, but I kept my cool. I cannot change the fact that he is leaving. All contact that he has made has been nasty, and destructive, and I know that I could very easily get caught up in that struggle with him again. So I feel the lawyer must handle the case. As for him moving - I felt hurt initially that he decided to move so suddenly - but hey life goes on. He also left an sms message at 02:38 this morning telling me he is moving.. He must really think I am not grasping the fact - that is the fourth time he has told me. Sometimes I'd love to pick the phone up and chat, but I am glad that I have resisted, especially as the child in him has still not grown up as I saw by the call that I did answer. He has not changed. One day he might realise his mistake, but the way it looks I don't think he will and he'll probably take all his problems into the next relationship. S&^t it hurts and I wish my divorce was over, but the less contact I have the better I seem to be able to cope. <P>I wish you well.<BR>Pantha