I have been married for 8 years now and have a 6 year old. My wife constantly feels I am not doing enough in life to support her. She constantly feels I am not meeting her expectations. <BR>For the last four years she has been preparing for some exams and has been struggling to make it through. These are considered tough exams and she was never well prepared for it. Besides she is a very emotional and sensitive person. Every little thing distracts and disturbs her tremendously. And she gets very anxious too before the exam, which does not help at all. <P>Well I have been supporting her all along. Taking care of son for the last 4 years. I am the sole bread-winner of the family and I put in my regular 40 hours. I do most of the household work too - laundry, lawn-mowing, making dinner, lunch for kid, teaching and reading to him, groceries, bills, repairs, maintenance, shopping, and on and on. She sometimes helps out tidy up the house, cooking on rare occasions when friends or family visit us. <BR>Lately, she has been constantly harrassing me that I am a good for nothing guy. That she made a mistake marrying me. And she blames her failure to pass exams on me, saying I did not support her enough. She says I have not done well in my career too. I changed my jobs recently for a salary of $ 80,000. My previous job paid me $ 65,000. She tells me that all my friends are much better than me. She says that her sister's husband is terrific at networking and is making great strides in life, even though he got his job only 4 years ago. She says in comparison I am no good. She says I do know how to handle people and that I always cause problems when dealing with people. On the contrary, she has withdrawn from all people she knew before because she is timid and is afraid they will ask her about her exams (whether she passed or not ?)<BR>Another issue is, she always accuses me of looking at other women. She gets extremely disturbed when she meets women who dress attractively and talk interestingly. She says they are showing off and that they are a disgrace. She says I am obsessed with such women and I fall for big b**bs and things like that. Initially it was a little disturbing when she said such things, nowadays it is becoming more frequent and bothersome. I am getting very frustated by hearing these things constantly day in and day out. She has no other topic to discuss expect these. That I am dumb, stupid and that I do not know how to handle life. <P> <BR>Please help to improve my situation.<P>Thanks in advance.

UPBEAT,<P>SOUNDS LIKE WERE IN A LITTLE BIT OF A SITITUATION ,FIRST OF ALL. WHAT YOUR DOING IS IMPRESSING,YOUR REMAINING VERY CALM&COLLECT.AND YOU SHOULD KEEP DOING WHAT YOUR DOING.BEING SUPPORT OF.I MEAN YOUR DOING THE HOUSE WORK/TAKING CARE OF THE LITTLE ONE,DOING YOUR REGULAR 9TO5.MAYBE IT JUST A PHASE SHE JUST GOING THREW,BECAUSE IF I WAS A WOMAN I HAVE TO MARRY YA! LOL!BUT SERIOUSLY SHE STRESSED JUST CONTINUE BEING PATIENT,AND YES IT AFFECTS WHAT HER OPION IS OF YOU.BUT DEEP DOWN SHE LOVES YOU ,UU AND AS WELL SHE PROBALY FEELS SHE'LL LET YOU DOWN AS WELL IF SHE FAILS HER EXAMS.AND ON YOUR LAST COMMENT ABOUT YOUR WIFE GETTING UPSET BECAUSE SHE THINKS YOU LIKE BIG GOOZOOS.YOU JUST LET HER KNOW IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE YOU GET YOUR APPETITE AS LONG YOU COME HOME FOR DINNER.<BR> ANOTHER SUGGESTION AS WELL IS GOING TO A PARK AND HELPING HER STUDY LETTING THE LITTLE ONE PLAY IN THE PARK AS HELP YOUR STUDY PARTENER.AND WHEN SHE PASSES HER EXAM COMMENT HER TAKE OUT FOR DINNER,LIKE APPRECIATION,YOU DID GOOD HONEY.YOUR SUPPORT MEANS A LOT TO HER.<P><BR>KEVIN<p>[This message has been edited by mishi (edited May 25, 1999).]

Mishi.....<BR> <P> Gee I am shocked you did not knock down this post. Hummm wonder if thats cause a male posted it instead of a female. Boy you sure have alot of the right answers for alot of people in here. Give yourself a nice pat on the back. <P><BR>

Upbeat--<BR>Wow, what are these exams? Law school?<P>Anyway...sounds like your wife has a lot of frustrations and she's taking them out on you. An $80,000 job is not something to sneeze at. And all the things you do around the house, etc. If she's not careful, her love busters will destroy the relationship!<P>When she starts in on you, try asking her questions in a caring way..."hon, what's really the matter?" Just listen, and guide her through her thoughts with more gentle questions, and touches. Sometimes we women really need to unload before coming back to our caring selves. :-)

Thank you all for the wonderful and supportive comments.

upbeat, sounds like you're doing all the right things. i supported my w while she went to school when she was 40ish. i helped her typing papers, all the house work, and taxing the boys where ever they needed to go. my w was good to me during this time and every other time as well.<BR>i can only guess why your w is treating you as she is. i wonder, do you suppose she met someone at school. on the other hand, maybe there is a problem in your marriage that was there all along, even before she started school. your support of her during school wouldn't necessarily fix someother problem. how's the sex? is it or was it ok?

upbeat:<P>A couple of suggestions. First---have you sat down with your wife and identified her emotional needs and your lovebusters? It seems like you're doing a terrific job---and there's no payback. One reason might be that you're hammering her with lovebusters. Another reason could be that you're off-target on meeting her needs.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>These are considered tough exams and she was never well prepared for it. Besides she is a very emotional and sensitive person. Every little thing distracts and disturbs her tremendously. And she gets very anxious too before the exam, which does not help at all.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That was full of disrespectful judgements. I'm sure that describing your wife like that, even if it's "accurate", would not make her feel good. And in regards to a self-fulfilling prophecy, you're setting expectations that your wife will fail. You don't want to do that.<P>I'd sit down with her and give her the lovebusters and emotional needs questionnaires that are available from the website here. Ask her to please fill them out for you---you want to become more of the "husband" that she needs, and these forms can help categorize areas for you to work on. After she finishes them, you should have her read them to you. Listen to her responses: only open your mouth to ask a question. Don't defend. Don't judge. This is information on how your wife feels about you---it's her "truth", and you need to hear it. Once you have, you need to work on changing your behaviors. Start by eliminating the top two lovebusters. Get your wife "participating" by having her help identify them, and ask her for positive feedback (negative too, if you slip). Once you've eliminated "lovebusters", work on emotional needs. If your wife is willing to do the same for you, that'd be great. If she's unwilling at this point---don't sweat it. Just make the positive changes to your behavior and let her see the results.<P>You might want to embark on this project with a counselors help. Have you broached this subject with your wife?<P>Your wife may have extreme "self-esteem" problems that are affecting her relationship with you as well as her overall personality. Don't treat her as damaged---treat her as a fantastic, vibrant, smart woman. You'll be pleasantly surprised when she begins to live up to those expectations. You seem to be willing to work on your marriage---I suggest that you start implementating changes to make it better, and I bet that your wife will follow.

Thanks again for all the helpful responses.<P>frankie, although there were other problems in our marriage before she started school, I think this exam business is chewing her up. Yes, sex happens, although not as much as I like. Also, knowing her all these years, it is unlikely that she has a crush on anybody. Those darned exams, that's crushing her. That's all she talks about all day. <P>And K has pinpointed some details, especially her self-esteem and my hastiness in judging her. It's just that she is constantly burdened with her personal issue - how to make it through the exam - that she entirely looses track of how much support she gets from me. The household affairs would come to a screeching halt if I leave on a business trip for a couple of days. I think the suggestions regarding questionaires are good. I will try them. No, have not tried counsellor yet. She would take offense if I suggest such a thing. <P>I will definitely try treating her as special, vibrant and smart, which I think I have been neglecting a bit (because I am overwhelmed with stuff to do which I indicated earlier). I will attempt to work on changing my behavior to listen to her emotional needs; tough when you cross 35!!<P>Mishi, suggestion on park is a great idea. Will try that ! <P>Today she was normal, said how much she loves me. But that's today. Tomorrow could be different.<P>Fantastic, vibrant, smart woman - have to memorize that. Sounds like it could be the silver bullet !<P>Thanks a bunch.

upbeat:<P>It's not impossible to change your behaviors---you just need motivation to do it, and the proper instructions on how to do it. MarriageBuilders has a wealth of information on the "how to" part, and I would suggest that you make an appointment with Steve Harley to discuss this. One great way to get your spouse into counseling is to tell her that you're going yourself to work on making this marriage great for the both of you.<P>I was over 35 when I started my "program" in response to my wife's affair. I had started changing behaviors that I though were "unchangable" in a matter of a couple weeks---I continually work on these behaviors to benefit my wife.<P>One other thing: your wife could be suffering from depression. Now, you telling her that she's depressed and ought to see a doctor will probably land you a black eye for your efforts (disrespectful judgement, selfish demand), but should she ask for your opinion at some time, you might suggest that she see a doctor for her anxiety as it relates to this test.

UPBEAT, I'M GLAD THAT YOU FOUND MY SUGGESTION HELPFUL,POSSIBLY ANOTHER ONE WOULD BE TOWARDS YOUR LIKING. POSSIBLE THE INCLOSURE OF HER SUROUNDINGS IS IN AFFECT OF HER CONSENTRATION SO WHY NOT CHANGE THAT? PICK OUT A NICE TREE AT WHITE ROSE PLANT IN THE BACK YARD . WHEN SHE BEGINS TO HAVE HER STUDY TIME .ASK HER IF SHE COULD HAVE A MOMENT OF HER TIME PLEASE. THEN TAKE HER IN THE BACKYARD ,HAVE A BLANKET LAY OUT FOR HER WITH SOME FRUIT AND A RADIO (RELAXING STATION) AND LET HER KNOW YOU HAVE FAITH IN HER AND LIKE THE TREE, WE WILL GROW AND BLOSSOM AND YOU WILL PASS YOUR EXAMS CAUSE WE CAN DO ANYTHING WE PUT ARE MINDS TO. AND TOGETHER WE ARE ONE .AND I LOVE YOU.THEN WALK INTO THE HOUSE AND LET HER BE ,IN HER QUITE ZONE. TAKE CARE YOUR FRIEND KEV <P> P.S FOR WONDER <P> THERE'S A MR.MISHI & MRS.MISHI ,BUT THANK-YOU FOR THE COMPLIMENT AND I'M GLAD YOU 2 WORK THINGS OUT. REMEMBER PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE AND WE ARE ALL HERE TO HELP ONE ANOTHER. TAKE CARE .<p>[This message has been edited by mishi (edited May 26, 1999).]