In Nina's "happy childhood" thread, I mentioned that my parents had a "til death do us part" marriage, and my wife's parents had an ugly ugly divorce when she was eight. I'm trying to figure out the ways in which this is messing us up. Here's a theory I'd like to run by y'all; please comment however you see fit.<P>My wife seems to be able separate her emotions with regard to our family in ways I simply can't- I need things more integrated. I wrote elsewhere about hosting a party for our son's baptism one week after we went to Retrouvaille and were unable to reconnect- I was miserable about our family, while she professed to be able to celebrate our love for our son while our love for each other was slipping away. Likewise, in this separation, she wants to continue to have family outings, to come over to my house to help put kids to bed sometimes (and me to her house), to plan holidays (not vacations- I mean Thanksgiving, birthdays, etc.) together. <P>She even says she'd like to go with me to see plays occassionally, as friends.<P>I think this is because as a child, she had to try to love both her parents when they couldn't stand each other. It was a battle for her- she didn't really repair the relationship with her mother until she was an adult. She's had to learn to separate her feelings for one person from her feelings for another related person ("love dad, love mom, though mom and dad can't be in the same room"), and in some cases split feelings for a single person ("dad's a good dad, was a lousy husband"). <P>Is this something other children of divorce have found? It's a real battle for me now, because I like spending the family time together, and I'm hoping it sparks the idea in her that our family will be happier together- but that quest is doomed if she simply says "family yes, couple no."<BR>

Hi dabigtrain, <P>I'm a bit sorry I got you thinking about this!!! Still I suppose it needs consideration from the other side (yours) as you were the product of a happy marriage.<P>I guess that her childhood experiences would have a bearing on how she reacts to things now, because I can see my mother all over again in me...my natural tendency in this situation is to do what she did, and tell him to go to hell. No plan A in that!!! In fact she can't understand why I don't, and she doesn't even know ANYTHING!<P>The way we respond to relationships is, I believe based on what we experienced as kids, and it can have the opposite effect too...ie not a lot of love shown by my H's father, he goes overboard to show our kids he loves them.<P>So probably her ability to shut out the pain stems from always doing it when she was a kid...think how bad it must have been for her....my parents didn't divorce, but separated when I was 12 for eight months. I just didn't know if I should sit on the fence, take sides, or what, so I shut down. Maybe that's why she can do that now when there is conflict.<P>Hope this helps!!!<P>Jacky<P>