I'm new here, so please bear with me. I've been married 5 1/2 years. We have never had what people would call a good marriage, but we love each other. I am an very insecure person and my H seems to play on that. Just making rude comments that hurt my feelings or make me feel suspicious. He has been staying with his parents for about a week now, but this isn't the first time. We were separated before for about a year. During that time I begged him over and over to come home as I was pregant with our 3rd child. He lived with his parents throughout the whole pregnancy and for a few months after our daughter was born. He kept telling me over and over that he didn't want to be with me, that it would never work out etc. So regretfully, I ended up seeing another man. I did not hide it from my H. At that point he decided to come home. Consequently, the past year has been rough to say the least. He understandably holds much anger and resentment toward me as I do toward him for basically abandoning me....we are now separated again and I just can't bear to live this way again. It drove me nuts before. I feel like this is just a game to him. He says he wants a divorce but refuses to file. He wants me to file. Why should I? I don't want to get a divorce. But then, like I said I simply cannot live like this. I am suffering from anxiety and depression and just having a rough time. I just don't know what to do.<BR>Laura

Hi Laura,<P>I noticed that no one responded to you, so I didn't want you to be left hanging in the wind.<P>I'm not sure if I understand what you are saying, so I'll try and go through it step by step.<P>You said that you've never had what people would call a good marriage? Why is that? You said you loved each other. You say that you are an insecure person. Have you sought out counselling with this? Have the two of you seen anyone together as a couple?<P>Your husband is making rude comments to hurt your feelings or make you suspicious. I don't know, but in my experience that points to HIM being insecure about himself. As for the comments to make you suspicious, it sounds like he wants to know if there is still a chance for him in your life. I could be reading way more into it, but I am speaking from my own personal experience. <P>The fact that there was another person during the time that the two of you were separated may be another hurdle that you two need to discuss and deal with. <P>From what you write, you were pregnant and then had the child during the year yo were separated? It sounds like you have very young children if you've only been married for 5.5 years. Believe me, being a single mom is the LAST thing on my wish list of things to do. With it comes a whole lot of hardship and responsibility. With divorce also comes a lot of questions of "what if". "What if I went to counselling with him?" "What if we sat down and talked?"<P>They say actions speak louder than words, and his NOT filing for divorce may be an indication that he wants this to work out. As for you, I don't think you know what you want. You say you don't want a divorce, yet he says he wants a divorce and doesn't want to file. What do YOU want? <P>Laura, getting yourself to a counselor and talking about these choices will make the choice easier for you, be it divorce or working on your marriage. Whatever you do, please don't make any rash decisions that you will regret later in life. Life is not easy...and having a relationship that rests on a teeter-o-toter is one of the worst things one has to cope with. Try to stabalize the ride a bit and look after yourself and get into some counselling to help with some of those questions. {{hugs}}

Laura,<P>I agree with getting yourself to counseling. Perhaps even getting put on some anti-depressant meds. <P>I feel for you, and hope things will get better. As Elan said, perhaps you can elaborate more on what is root of your marital problems.<P>Kathy

I agree with Elan...and he is pushing his guilt, and bad feelings about his failures onto you. He made the choice to prove a point the first time, and you saw someone else to provide your EN. That was not his plan, obviously, but when you make the stakes that high, you need to be prepared to have that bluff called. Looks like he has folded, but that does not have to be the case. As you said, he views this as a game...high stakes. Is this consistent with his personality otherwise? How would you characterize him...before, and now? I mean, three kids in 5-1/2 years means <I>something</I> was working at <I>some</I> level at <I>some</I> point. Rather than simply pine away for that, and point out how things are not like that now, why not examine <B>how</B> that worked, and <B>how</B> to return to that? Traditionally, we tend to look at the pathology of things (how they don't work), and that is no more evident anywhere else than it is here...we all do it. There is another way...look at how things work when they do work, and get back to that point. I mean, that is what you want isn't it? (To make things work?) There are way too many ways that they don't work...its like chasing your tail sometimes! There are far fewer ways that things do work, it is like finding a needle in a needle stack...much easier IMHO.<P>You need to do what works for you, and there are scores of people that recommend anti-depressants...most of whom are more qualified than I am, but I personally do not agree with using them. Therer is a reason why you are feeling depressed...your marriage is falling apart. I tried to push that away, and compensate for it, but now I realize that what I really need is to figure out what works in my life, and maximize that. There is not enough Prozac, or Wellbutrin in the world to make that happen without me going through this rough patch and dealing with it. There are other ways of making it better that involve growth for you, and him...possibly you relationship, too. I hate having the sense that I am medicating myself while letting this happen without me doing something to get 'right' with it. That's my answer for me.<P>Your answer is your answer...all I want to do is tellyou that I am sorry for your pain...three kids..all very young...it must seem impossibly difficult for you, but you can do this. Take care. -Mike<BR><p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited August 13, 2001).]

I'm new here to, but I want you to know that I'll pray for you and your children tonight! Hang in there! You are a great person, and there are three little ones to whom you are there world! Be strong and look for help. Finding this site is a great start! It's definitely helping me out during my seperation!<P>When you lose all hope where can you look? "Pray"<BR>FF63

Elan, <BR>The reason I say that we never had what most people would call a good marriage, is that from the beginning we have argued and fought...we both have tempers and lack communication skills. We are both stubborn. We do love each other, but seem to not be able to get along much of the time. I have been struggling with depression for the majority of our marriage, and I think that has put a huge strain on both of us. We have been to counseling at our church, but only for a few sessions then it fizzled out due to conflicts in our work schedules etc. I'm going to start going by myself probably this week, so hopefully that will help ME.<P>Yes I had our 3rd child while we were separated, and I think that has much to do with my insecurity. I'm so afaid to be abandoned it is pathetic. I get major anxiety attacks, but I am on medication for that now, but it doesn't seem to be helping a whole lot. My dr. recommended the anxiety med an if that doesn't help, he wants me back on antidepressants.<P>Actions do speak louder than words and his lack of action is telling me something I guess. I think I will just go to counseling and work on myself and continue to pray that things work out for the best.<P>Thanks so much for your response.<BR>Laura<BR>

<BR>Thanks Kathy....I have decided to go back on the antidepressants...I have struggled with depression/anxiety for a long time. I think that has a ton to do with our problems. I'm going to go to counseling with or with out him and just help myself for now.<BR>Laura

Mike,<BR>That is an excellent piece of advice to examine how things worked before and how to get back to that...Hmmmm mostly things worked because we had so much less stress...we have 3 small children plus I have an 11 year old from a previous relationship. We have no time alone together, and things are always rush rush rush. We both work full time. It works when we make ourselves make time as a couple- to date. It is just really difficult to get a sitter not to mention costly. Thank you for your input. I am going to talk with him and see if he wants to put aside some time for just us.<BR>Laura

FF63,<BR>Thank you so much for the prayers! I do pray each and every day. That is my main comfort right now.<BR>Laura<BR>

Hey Laura,<BR>That is a wonderful thing. The first thing for anyone to do is work on themselves. You can not change your spouse or mate. You can only work on your self and remember that happiness comes from within. I know it sounds easy but, trust me it is not. I am still working on the me. I am not ever gonna try to work on stbehl. I am so done with that. It is me I will work on so that the next time (if there is a next time) that I would fall in love or whatever that the me is the best me I could give to someone <or at least let them borrow> hehe<BR>Wishing you well<BR> Janet