I would love to just change all the locks and tell her to stay totally out untill she comes to her senses, but can I? Right now I'm paying all of the bills for the house and our checking/savings/credit cards are all seperate. She's living at her parents bill free, while I make it on my own. We had a hail storm where the doors will be replaced in a week or so, so can I just keep her out? What if I got a restraining order? She comes over right now while I'm at work to see our dog and who knows what else, I really want that to stop. I'm in plan B and avoiding all communication with her, except through her parents. What do you all think? <P>Final Fantasy 63<BR>

Legally, she can walk up to your house with a locksmith and gain entry into HER house unless you have a court order pasted in the window that states she cannot enter the home.<P>All she has to do is show her driver's lic. with the address or proof on it...or even a neighbour to verify that she lives there.<P>As for the restraining order...again in court you need to prove to the judge that she will physically harm you, your property and/or any children of the marriage that are residing with you.<P>I would really think about the reasons you want to keep her out of the house before you start thinking about changing the locks. Be aware though, if you feel she may come during the day and clear out the house while you are working, you may have valid enough reason to change the locks. Remember, possession is 9/10ths of the law -- however any lawyer will suggest to you that unless you have valid reasons for keeping her out, and a restraining or court order in hand, there is little you can do to stop yet another locksmith from coming to your house with your wife and opening up the doors....changing the locks and effectively keeping YOU out.<P>Food for thought....

Hi FF,<P> I'll look for your email tommorrow BTW...<P> Man...you and I are going through so much of the same stuff. I want to change the locks too. I don't want her in here while I'm out of town this weekend for my grandmother's birthday party.<BR> I might just add extra locks or change the alarm code and notify her that I have done so. She can't do anything about that...no one else would know the code.<BR> I also considered adding sliding locks to 2 of the doors and just changing the lock on one of the doors or adding a lock to just that one. I could then exit through the door without the sliding lock and lock the new lock behind me. Besides that, I may turn off the garage door opener. Whatever property or information she may hope to acquire won't likely be worth all that trouble. I don't want her using my house for her sexcapades either.<BR> Her parents are continuing to be enablers for her just like they always have too...<BR> They came to town this past weekend and helped her get her apartment together and even bought her stuff to furnish it. "You GO DAUGHTER!!! BE COMFORTABLE AND ALIVE AFTER DUMPING YOUR FAMILY!!!"<BR> If my son ever pulled this crap, he wouldn't be getting free housing or free furnishings for his next sex pad. He would get a pop in the chops and notice that the next ho he hooked-up with would be the last time he saw me.<BR> I would completely back his Spouse every step of the way too. He will know before he is 18 that he won't be in any wills either with that crud.<P>Fun Times,<BR>DS<BR>

Final Fantasy 63 and Deeply Sad,<P>I don't entirely know your situations, so instead let me speak a little of my personal experience. Minus the children, I have been in both of your shoes - about 1.5 years ago. At the time my then wife chose to move out of our house. It was not long after being on her own (and seeing the guy she was having an EA with) she came and said she wanted a divorce. From that point forward I began getting all kinds of suggestions about changing the locks, getting restraining orders, moving items out of the house, hiding things I wanted, and on and on...<P>For me I chose not to. It is kind of funny, but a few months after she left I found out that people were telling her similar things. When she first left I was mad, I hated myself, I hated her, I hated the world, then I began to remember why I married her - it was my love for her, not just because "she" loved me, but because I "loved" her. So over the following months I took "the higher road" - whatever items she asked for I handed over (within reason). I let her know every step of the way that I truly believed that she was making the biggest mistake in her life, but that I did not hate her - I may hate her actions, but I did not hate her.<P>This went on for months. I protected myself with a lawyer, but I made sure that he knew exactly how I felt. While I would not try to stop her from divorcing me (or make it difficult for her), in no way was I going to make it "easy". My position was a defensive one all the way. If you knew what she was saying about me, and some of the things she did, you would think me crazy to have been as "nice" as I was - but she was only hurting herself, if in no other way than making herself look bad in the eyes of family and friends.<P>I received two "gifts" from my actions - they aren't lottery size gifts, but nonetheless they mean a lot to me - The first one occured about 4 weeks before our divorce was final. She called and we talked about the process and she asked for a few items which I agreed to - I let her know that anytime she wanted to come to the house, as long as I was in town, that would be fine. I even went as far as giving her some things she totally forgot we had. During that conversation, she stopped talking abruptly. I asked what was wrong, and that is when I got my "gift" - This woman who had been bad-mouthing me for months, who made me out to be some kind of monster, who re-wrote our entire relationship to make it look like the most dysfunctional relationship ever to exist, stopped and said "Why are you being so nice to me?" in a tone of total non-belief. I replied, "Because you are my wife, I married you and I have always loved you". Total silence on the phone. At that exact moment, after months of *hit, after her fog had set in so thick you couldn't cut it with a knife - at that exact moment I "heard" reality set in with her. Now I don't know for sure, but its like I could hear the thoughts coming through her voice... "Oh my God, am I really doing the right thing? How can he still love me? Maybe it really is 'me' who is wrong".<P>The second "gift" I got is one that continues through today. It is the feeling I have in my heart knowing that I stood up for what I believed - my love and my marriage. I never gave in to her "memories" of our marriage and relationship. I focused on my love for her, even while she dragged my heart through hell and back. I did not "strike" out at her in anger. I wake up every morning knowing that I faced the worst of marriage and I stood strong. It would have been so easy to give-in to the anger, and to make the divorce a living nightmare for her.... but who would that have helped? Me? I don't think so.<P>I know, without a doubt that if/when I meet that special person and get married again, I will be able to hands down keep every vow I make - Don't think my wife will ever be able to feel that way again.<P>I guess the basis of what I am trying to say, is that while anger is perfectly natural in our situations, try not to give in to it. A "bad" divorce does no one any good and it is really up to you, how the divorce proceeds. Think about it this way - If someone is trying to be mean and angry with you and you refuse to let it get to you, how will the other person react and feel? Probably at first they will think it is some kind of trick, but over time they won't know what to think. OK now to appeal to the "little" devious side - the best revenge is the revenge that never comes... If your wives believe they know how you will react - that you will get vindictive and mean, but then you don't - your wives will not know what to think!<P>My X really thought I was going to get cruel and mean and dirty. It never happened. It left her stumped and I guarantee it will leave her with doubts for the rest of her life. It was her decision to leave me, it was my decision to act like a mature adult and to not forget that even though I HATED her actions, I still loved her as my wife...<P>Just something to think about from someone who has been there...<P>Take care of them kids and yourselves!<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Ohio attorney here. Don't know where you're at but exclusive occupancy is generally granted upon local court rules. Physical violence is only one factor in my county that can be relied on for EO. EO can be granted her in my county sometimes with a restraining order depending on the circumstances-usually voluntary vacation of the home, or sometimes requires a court hearing. I think Elan gave you the best advice. Lee

I won't take credit Lee :-(<P>but I think that Mike gave the best advice of all...take the high road. Sometimes it's that road that's the hardest of all.<P>thanks Mike for pointing me in the right direction again. So many times we are so hurt through this whole process that the first thing we want to do is strike out (i.e. "I'll show her".....) Real value is taking the high road. You are so right in doing what you did. Thanks! Puts things in a different light now doesn't it?<P>

Thanks for all of the advice, I live in WI and I'm not too up on my family law. I think that if I did change the locks, she wouldn't get a locksmith, she would just not come in. I guess I really don't know though, because she is a different person right now. This is no longer the sweet, innocent, kind, caring person that I married. This woman is completely different and would probably do different things than I expect. I never thought in a million years that she would go have an EA with a 42 year old man twice her age! <P>Note to self, remember that wife isn't the same woman that I married!<P>FF 63

I agree with what has been said. I am no longer willing to hold on to this marriage though. She was willing to stay but point blank told me that she could not promise not to have more affairs. That's unacceptable to me. I know she regrets this but we both know we're over. <BR> I plan on taking the high road. I'm not sure I can raise my son without some help from her anyway. I am going to be so busy the next couple of weeks and I am going to need some help! She knows she hurt me badly. She has tried to blame others but she mostly knows it is entirely her fault. Her only excuse is that she has crossed the line and can't stop now. I'm just not worth it to her is the bottom line.<BR> I've told her and her parents that I will love her until my dying day but I will never take her back. Each affair hurts worse then the last. I've really had it. I am almost never mean to her. I once gave in to my anger and shared some research I had done, that her favorite affair got married almost instantly after they ended and from all indications was with the girl during their affair. Shattered her romantic fantasy a bit. Things have been a bit cold since then. We're nearing normal again though. Just trying to get along and keep this thing civil. It is a nightmare though.<P>DS