I've told my story on here a few times, but the long and short of it is my wife moved out of our house. It is over for real now. My son and I live here alone now. Although she lives very close by(4 minutes), she spends less and less time with him. Some days she doesn't call him. She sees him about every other day now (maybe not always quite that much) but that is down from before. Some days she forgets to call. Tonight she blew off a football thing for my son and didn't bother calling my cell till it was half over.<BR> When my parent's come in from out of town, my son will say grace at the table and he'll say "Thanks God that everyone can be here together" as if my wife doesn't count anymore or something.<BR> Should I just prepare myself for the fact that I'll be going at this completely alone soon? That scares the h*ll out of me. This whole situation is freaking me out.<BR> I can't make her be a good parent. She is more interested in having an endless supply of affairs than being a member of this family. I've accepted that we are through as a couple and that I'm an abandoned husband. I'm very scared that I may soon be an abandoned dad too. Oh Sh*t this sucks. <P> Is there a pattern here? Is this heading for worse times. I would especially like to hear from abandoned parents...maybe I am just over-reacting. My son did spend the night at her apartment Saturday night with her and her parents. She is still calling to speak to him more days then she forgets. I'm getting that sinking feeling though, like I did when the cheating was going on. I just didn't want to accept it. Should I just accept that she is about to ditch our son like she ditched me? My heart believes this won't happen just like I believed another affair wouldn't happen but my mind always knew better. I know if I were advising someone in my situation, I would tell him to get ready for the worst.<P>God Help Us All,<BR>DS<P>

Hi DS,<P>I know where you're coming from, it's the same with us. I'm trying to get used to the single parent thing...always being the only one who copes with kid things can be tiring. But rewarding, too. <P>I don't know your story; how long has she been gone?<P>My h has been gone for 5 and a half weeks. He doesn't call the kids at all, told them (8, 5 and 3 yrs) to call him any time they wanted. They all have called one time each, but now never even bother to ask. The kids are getting used to this rotten situation, and in some way we should be grateful that they do adapt. Like your son.<P>My h is a GREAT dad, usually....absolutley adores his kids. But since he left, he has seen them for an average of four hours a week, and last weekend was going fishing and didn't know if he'd get back to see them...well I LB'd and put pressure on him to see them, so he said he would 'drop in'.<P>But he came rather late in the day and I was angry about that. I thought why? He saw them....then I realised that I wanted to see him too, and coming so late meant that I would already be out. So really the core of my anger was my own (natural under the circumstances I suppose) selfishness to see him so I could Plan A him some more.<P>I'm not saying that this is the same with you, but waiting-for-her helped me work that out, and when I did, it immediately helped me cope with it better. Is there a reason it makes you so angry besides her not seeing your son?<P>No, you can't force her to see your son. It's her loss...your son is already getting used to it, as he MUST in order to cope. Kids are faster at it than us.<P>I just try to be the best mum I can to my kids, give them lots of love and attention, and I tell them their dad loves them very much. I never put their dad down to them, though I'd love to tell them how selfish he is sometimes. It's not their burden.<P>In the mean time I am Plan A'ing every chance I get.<P>I hope this helped.

I really feel for you, my first wife was almost non existanat in my daughters life all you can do is the best you can to be a father and take eachday one day at a time. You can not change her but you can change yourself. I know it is scarey but in time this will pass and you will figure things out as you go, I think the toughest part is learning to live life in a different way and accepting this is the life you have now.<P>

Thanks Guys,<P> I think I may be better off than most abandoned's so far. I called and asked if she could get him to school tommorow <they started 2 weeks ago and I've (a few times my mom from out of town) gotten him to and from every day so far>. She was resistant at first but later called back and said she would. I had something business related that I couldn't reschedule so I was worried. Off the hook this time but I think I would be wise to get into some sort of support network. She is still in the parenting thing with me for now Thank God.<P> Nina, I'm upset for my son, not me. I wish I could never see her again. To me, it is like she is dead and I have to keep looking at her every week and be reminded how it used to be. I need her behind me but she will always (if I'm lucky) have to be in my life to some extent. She is a despicable human being. I can't believe that I even have to share grandchildren with her.<P> Did I mention that this sucks?<P> BTW, we have an agreement (her word aint worth much though) that we won't introduce him to other men/women until marriage is very imminent. I think she realizes how many men she goes through and how low quality they are and that he doesn't need to be exposed to that. I promised the same just to be fair. I doubt she will honor this forever but one can hope.<P>DS<BR><p>[This message has been edited by DeeplySad (edited August 14, 2001).]

{{{{{ DS }}}}}<P>I am sorry, but you know there are other things that her actions can mean. Weakness, guilt, a lot of things that you are unable to consider. It might be best to avoid ruminating on what it means if you can only get to one conclusion.<P>I am certain that she does matter to your son very much. The prayer you are not hearing is probably, 'And I do wish that she were here, too....' Kids aren't able to put people in those resentful little boxes as readily as we are. (And we aren't either, but we are good at rationalizing, so....)<P>When things seem to be getting worse, I means that there is something big in the future. A milestone, or opportunity on the horizon, so I'd say be ready for it. Not another kick in the head/heart necessarily...just a chance at a finer distinction. When you anticipate trouble, it comes. When you don't anticipate trouble, it comes. Well, when you do anticipate it, you aren't in a very good position to make good use of it.<P>Take care, and I will pray for you all, especially her, and your son. I want them to get to a better place. (Home with you would be a good one for her, but that will take time..and you might not want that now. Be careful.) God bless. -Mike

Hi Dad!<P>Well I'm in the same boat to a point. Dad has custody of two and I have custody of one. The two he has he never see's. He stays overnight with his girlfriend while the two older ones stay at the condo. The oldest is of the age of majority, therefore he feels justified that the middle one is there. Most times the older one doesn't even show up to sleep there. As for the middle one, most of the time he's by himself in front of a computer. CAN YOU TELL I'M STRESSED??<P>The youngest one is with me. I fought hard to keep her because I knew that she too would be left alone overnight. The older two went to live with Disney Dad -- no rules, no boundaries, endless supply of cash. He made a big deal in court that he just *had* to see our youngest once a week for dinner and regular alternate weekend visits. Our little girl will sit there waiting patiently for *Dad* to show up. Sometimes it's an hour, sometimes an hour and a half and sometimes he just plain doesn't show up. My heart breaks. I say nothing.<P>As a single parent, the only thing you can control is your own behaviour. There have been times when the kids have phoned because *Dad* promised to pick them up and he hasn't shown up or he forgot. I drive an hour to pick them up so they are not alone. They KNOW they can depend on me. Nothing in this world is MORE important than my kids. I too could care less about HIM...but what he does to the kids drives me WILD. What I have learned by experience though is to NOT pay attention to the bone-head things he does. When and IF I do that, he thinks it's funny and will do it again to get a rise out of me. He thinks NOTHING of what it does to the kids. There comes a point in time where the KIDS THEMSELVES speak up. You don't have to do it. Patience my friend. Be there for your kids. You are not responsible for *making* her be a parent. That's not your job. Your job is to BE a parent to your children.<P>*Elan climbing off her soapbox*

I don't mind the soapbox at all. You all make good points. I am through with her and it does break my heart to see my kid get hurt in this. I don't let her get a rise out of me when she doesn't call or something. You're right...they like that. She won't get that out of me. I'm not out to teach her any lessons. Life will do that and it will be too late for her then.<P> I waited until this last affair and I was sure all was lost before I drew the line. I didn't want my son to know unless it was really over. I have been wise about making sure he knows this is it. I don't think he is strongly holding on to hopes we will be back together. He may not know about ALL of the affairs, but he does know about how she treated me through 6 years of marriage which was badly.<P>DS<BR>

DeeplySad,<BR>I too wished I could have changed the actions of my husband for my daughters sake. I have 2 girls ages 16 & 15. The oldest plays fast pitch softball and is in the marching & symphonic band. The youngest plays basketball & golf. My X never attended 1 basketball game or band concert 2 years ago. Just last spring, he actually went to a golf tournament and 4 of her softball games.<P>The girls don't expect him to show up and if he does they are surprised. The expect so much out of me because they know they can rely and depend on me. Now that they are older, they have no respect for him even though they still love him. Kids are smart, you don't have to say anything, they will pick it up in time. Just be there for the kids sake.<P>Divorced 1 1/2 years, my X has never had the girls for a weekend. They spent the night with him for the first time last Wednesday night. So sad, but all I can do is pray he will try and develop a better relationship with them. Hang in there, kids see more than you think they do, just don't talk bad about the X in front of the kids.....

Maybe I'm lucking out right now but my wife is coming over to help my son get ready for school tommorow since I have a work thing that I can't avoid. I'm doing a lot better than most of you in that respect I gather. I saw her today and it was horrible. All those feeling got stirred up again and I was shaking. Her voice was trembling too. It is a shame to kill such a big beautiful love story over her refusal to stop all the affairs. So Sad.<BR> I am glad for my son that she is going to be seeing him and helping out tomorrow. It's hard not to wish things could have been different.<P>Encouraged for him, Sad for me,<BR>Thanks all,<BR>DS<BR>

DS,<BR>You can do it yourself if you have too. MY x left 3 summers ago. The first year and a half was all about her, she would call the kdis when she felt like it. It got somewaht better over the past year, but she now has a weird relationship witht the kids(10&14). She called our son (d is at grandmothers for week) and was on the phone no more than 2 mins. This after not seeing the kid since last Fri.<P>You can;t be worried about her relationship with your son, that is her responsibility. That is my approach and it has kept me sane. I used ot worry about her seeing the kids for her and their sake. I no longer worry and see her little more than a babysitter. She chooses not to have the relationship. I think the kids see that and they only time they call her is when they want something.<P>Hang in there. Do what you have to, carpool, use neighbors etc. Just do what is best for the kids.<P>Bob

Bob,<P> I don't know how you did it! Well that sounds encouraging. I need to make some good friends near the house here. I'm scared about all of this.<P> I had my son call my wife today. I felt really bad because I was hoping she would call him before his bedtime. When the phone range I yell "That's Mommy". Like an idiot. Anyway it wasn't so I said ... "call mommy". This is making me nuts. I need to get over this! ARGHH!<P> Bob, I need your logical approach. I can just get whatever help I can off of her and just get by. I hate to see him hurt though. This sucks.<P>DS<BR>

Hi Deeply ~<P>RWD is right. You gotta leave the relationship btwn your son and his mom btwn them, and stay out. <P>Your wife is making a poor choice perhaps - but you don't have control over it.<P>I simply gave my boys their own phone extension, with a note card above it - listing their dad's number, and a few other "approved to call anytime without mom's permission" numbers to family members.<P>They often took the initiative to call their dad. I also gave them their own email and ICQ to their dad, and let them decide when and if they contacted him.<P>I got myself out of the way. And eventually, when the affair started to die, he started putting more focus on them - calling and interacting with them much more often.<P>They were hurt beyond belief by his actions. But there was no way that he could point fingers and blame me for his lack of relationship with his sons. And they knew it was his fault, not mine. It's better that the kids recognize reality rather than constantly have their hopes crushed.<P>Our interference, trying to force the other spouse to communicate with our kids, simply prolongs the agony of falsh expectations and crushed hopes.<P>In the end, you'll have a beautiful relationship with your son. Too bad your wife is throwing hers away, but its her choice.<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

It wasn't easy. I really had a lot of problems, but counseling and people here helped me realize what I could do. Its been 3 summers now and I haven't lost or starved any of the kids so far!!!!<P>The first thing I bought was a cell phone so the kids could call me anytime and they do. The kids don't even know their mother's number. Its sad, but thats what she chose!!<P>Hang in!!<P>Bob