First, thank you to all of you that responded regarding step-children. My fiance of 23 months lives about 200 miles away so our time is limited as to when we can see each other. Generally e'/ weekend, sometimes consecutive weeks, and sometimes slightly longer periods go by, but generally never more than three weeks. We talk to each other everyday, a few times for a couple hours a day. We've never missed a day. We talk about everything and both feel as though we have never in our lives known anyone as well as we know each other. At our ages, 48&47 respectively, we both believe we will never again find again find a relationship like we have now with any other person. Anyway, we are talking marriage in about 22 months-that was the original plan. She had children late in life and hsa two daughters,ages 16 and 7 and a son, age 12. I don't have a problem with the kids and they like me. We have been talking about the 22 months and feel that is such a long time to continue the present relationship as is. The times in between seeing each other are miserable for each of us and we look forward to our time together, even though it is limited. We almost always meet half-way to be together, although her youngest daughter and her have stayed at my home and I have stayed at her home. These are limited times in number. I'm starting to have a difficult time being apart and she expresses she can't stand the time apart. Unfortunately, the only practical way to be together, for job reasons and health, will be for her to move here. Her oldest daughter had a very good friend and future wife wanted to stay until the oldest completed high school and did not want to pull her away from her friend. That friendship has somewhat ended and her oldest daughter is expressing she wants to move out of the town she is living in. Fiance is a nurse would have no trouble finding a job in this area. We talked at length last night and she suggested posting on here would be a good idea to hear from others and I wish I could make this shorter, but I want to be able to express both sides of this. She still doesn't want to pull her daughter out of high school although she and her brother were moved when they were in high school and were very popular in school and have done quite well in life. I had to move my daughter when she was in high school and she hated it-until the first day of school, then was fine with it. I don't see the difference say in moving one year from now as opposed to two years from now. She will be selling a home either way, changing jobs, moving children either way. Now she expresses a concern about uprooting and if things didn't work out, then where would she be-down here. Not her first choice obviously if we were not together. Last night instead of knowing she would move in two years, she "believes" she would move, but then said she knew she would(after I expressed a concern between the words believing and knowing). Now she is saying she would have to drop out of her pension plan(it can be rolled over), talked about selling the home again, having to change jobs(all of which were givens before except the pension stuff was new). She also expressed a concern about her former husband and he would react and the need to factor in his feelings. He despises me and his feelings will be no different in say a year than in two years(they don't talk except for him to verbally abusive to her or run her or I down in front of the kids). Another recent thing, maybhe unrelated, she will be taking a trip to California in October and picked a weekend we would be together so the kids would be with their dad part of the time she is gone and with her parents the rest of the time. In the past, her parents have been most gracious to watch the kids if she was gone. Basically talking a Thursday to Tuesday trip. Her parents live five minutes away from her and her mom comes over many school mornings to get the youngest one off to school. By choosing the weekend she did, we will have a four week gap without seeing each other and it looks like we have a five week one coming up now. I'm guessing we will see each other 3 times over the next 11 weeks. I don't want to come across sounding selfish, although I'm sure some will think I am, but after 23 months, I don't know that I see this relationship progressing, especially with 22 months to go. I don't want anything to sound like an ultimatim, but I still don't see the difference between moving in two years or one year. I don't doubt the love we have for each other, but it is so difficult for us to be apart, for me, and according to what she says. We marry-kids are going to move regardless, she will get another job, another pension plan, sell her home, and the problem dealing with the ex-husband is either moved up or delayed, does not go away. He is now dating and indicated to his youngest daughter he is going to get married in a couple years. He is 50 minutes away on weekends and works a couple states away during the week. He wouldn't see the kids any less than now-a little more driving for both her and I and him to meet. I'm not going to go into his personality all that much here(did that on step-parent question), but she comes from an abusive marriage that ended in separation four years ago and divorce about a year ago.(They had an agreement drawn up during the separation) So to make a very long story(could be longer) shorter-anyone else have these experiences or answers on they handled it or would? The kids will someday be on their own and we will have each other, but sometimes the pain of being apart so much is so overwhelming-according to me and what she says, and I do believe her; but it seems the time down the road is becoming more conditional. You can blast me, but be kind to her. Thanks for reading this-I'm guessing it was long. Lee<P>------------------<BR>

I wouldn't worry so much about the younger ones and the move, it's the 16 yr. old. If you wait another year she'll be going into her new school her Sr. year. I don't know too many kids that age that would agree to something like that. Also, just because she tells you now that moving in a year will be fine, alot can change in a year. By next year she could have a new best friend or a boy friend. I know 23 months seems like a really long time but the truth is, if you really love each other the two of you can wait that long without any ultimatiums. She has two years left before her eldest child is gone and then the two of you could have the rest of your lives together. I understand the step parent stuff and the ex's because I'm a step parent and we both have an ex. I'm just glad we never had to deal with moving the kids too far away. Just as recent as February though we did in fact move about 20 minutes further from my kids bio dad. Kids started a new school late in the year (ages 13 and 8) and they adjusted fine. At first they of course liked their old school because of their friends but already that's changed.

Bonnie, thank you for your reply. I don't disagree about the difficulty in moving for the oldest, although I know in this highly mobile society, it happens often. On the other hand, because my fiance is not sure, or believes she will move in two years, it is the other issues that have been raised that cause me to wonder about the future, ie. worrying the ex's feelings about it, etc. Plus, the reality is, the next oldest will be getting ready to start high school by then, is establishing himself in athletics, will be making new friends or forming stronger relationships, which in a sense puts us right back where we are now. Is there really a difference between his feelings and the feelings his older sister may have now(talking about how he feels at that time)? I know the post was long and had a lot of information in it, but part of it has to do with is this relationship all of sudden at a standstill? I will be honest, as unhappy as I would be without her, her comfort level and the happiness of her children is important to me. Sometimes I wonder if it is time to move on for their sake. I'm an adult and I've lived with unhappiness before. The next 22 months seems unbearable and in my original post, maybe not conveyed, there all of sudden seems to be some hesitation on her part. Thank you Bonnie, I do appreciate your help. I just hope others will respond. I need all the help and support I can get right now. Lee<P>------------------<BR>

Lee, <BR>I am interested in your situation, but can't offer you any help as I am close to your situation. I live in Akron and my g/f lives in Sandusky. We both have two kids 9-14 yo. We see each other every other weekend and over the winter I ran up when I didn't have the kids.<P>Her boss just told her he is leaving and is planning to start a new business and wants her to run it. She basically asked me over the weekend if I would be willing to move. <P>I told her I didn't know and she was hurt. My son (10) has already told me he doesn't want to move from town here or even the house. In the spring g/f told me that her oldest son said he wouldn't mind moving to my home town. I cover Eatern Oh for work so that would add at least an hour each way for me for travel although I am supposed to get northern Oh late this year when a coworker retires.<P>We haven't talked marriage, but she said no one ever made a sacrifice for her. My x moved twice for me although I lucked out and got her closer to her parents on the last move here.<P>Bob

Bob, thanks for replying. I'm exactly sure I understood what you were saying. We have 23 months in and maybe my attitude is one of selfishness regarding her oldest daughter. Fiance talks about how important it is for us to be together-most important thing in the world and nothing should get in the way of that. Then all of a sudden(just talked to her) the things that keep us from being together sooner(excluding her daughter) are not really factors anymore, just hassles(selling home, pension, changing jobs, feelings of former husband, etc.) Biggest difference is I know what I want, she "believes" she knows but nothing is a 100% guarantee-which I understand. Honestly, and probably wrongly, I feel like my world has come tumbling down. There's a little more to what we talked about last night but I don't have the energy right now to go into and it really doesn't matter because nothing is going to change as far as the plans she believes she has for the future. Just feeling discouraged because(did it once before) if it was feasible, I would move in a heartbeat. Thanks Bob-lot to read for you. Hope your situation works out-I've always believed things work out the way they're supposed to. Lee<P>------------------<BR>

Well Lee.....<BR>hee hee...you KNOW I'd respond! K..here are the facts:<BR><OL TYPE=A><BR><LI>oldest has one year left in a school where she's most likely gone all her life -- to pull her from that situation would be devastating. Also -- the friend she had a falling out with, most likely will be her BEST friend in less than two week (hormones...believe me...I can't COUNT the falling-out's my oldest (18 now) had with her friends)<BR><LI>the first second that the oldest complains about mommy or new step-daddy, the step-father will have the both of you in court and having a court order to have the oldest returned to the original school (something about courts loving *status quo* yah know?)<BR><LI>distance DOES make the heart grow fonder<BR><LI>given the dad's history, I wouldn't put it past him to dangle DisneyDad toys and empty promises to keep them with him<BR><LI>you are still making every effort to be together when you can and have a committment to eachother<BR></OL><P>I moved out of the school jurisdiction. I had NO boyfriend, no fiance, but an ex that refused to leave me alone. My children wanted to be with me, but school over-ruled (my daughter at the time was 16 - no real buddies, but she was familiar with the school she was attending and chose to remain behind with her abusive father --she felt that she could *handle* him). My son moved with me. He choose in two weeks to return to dad because he was afraid to tackle a new school (he was 14). Dad encouraged him to live with him with the promise of no curfews, no rules, unlimited computer time (thus his failing grades). The youngest did just fine (after 25 court appearances for me, unlimited documentation that the school she would be attending would be beneficial. Oh yes, and this was after driving her six months to her original school for over 3 hours a day in my vehicle). She has blossomed in the new school division and has many friends. <P>I too am facing the same kind of things when it comes to relationships. Right now the long-distance thing S-U-C-K-S the BIG ONE. We miss eachother. He understands that my kids come first and that moving the kids would cause farrrrrrr more problems than to just wait and see...take one day at a time with our relationship.<P>I know kids adjust -- they always do. BUT, what if the kids are saying OK now because they see mom with a hopeful look in her eyes? Belive me, moving in two years, opposed to one year may not seem like a difference, but to a teenager it's like a life-long difference.<P>"I had to move my daughter when she was in high school and she hated it-until the first day of school, then was fine with it." -- have you asked her if she had to make the decision NOW, what would she do? Just out of curiousity.<P>The selling, the buying, the "getting a new job" are minor logistics in comparison to how this move is going to affect these children. Your fiance has very valid concerns regarding her former husband and his reactions. As a lawyer I am sure that you are well aware that those considerations should come first and foremost in any decision while the children are minors. Yes, this man despises you, and if she tried to pull a fast one on him, like moving the kids in a year without due consideration, I would imagine that he would have you in court faster than your head could spin...you being a lawyer would factor in his favour as you "should consider the child's best interests." <P>"I don't know that I see this relationship progressing, especially with 22 months to go." -- Honey, you're a M A N. You're lonely, you miss her and there's kids to take into consideration.<P>You said it yourself -- "The kids will someday be on their own and we will have each other." Remember, good things come to those who wait. <P>And here's the kicker Lee -- firms take on new lawyers all the time. Lawyers also start their own practices all the time. What's stopping YOU from moving to HER?<P>Just a thought....(my gawwwwwwwwd Elan is sounding like that damn Martha Stewart "and that's a good thing!")

Elan, thanks for responding. A little bright spot. By the way, her oldest daughter has two years of school to go, and my frustration is that words do not seem match action. We spoke earlier and to answer your question, right now, no, she wouldn't move. The friend thing was an original reason not to move. Didn't want to take her daughter away from the friend. My guess is this particular friendship is actually over and the daughter has said she would like to move out of the town she is now in. The friend thing is a long story. I doubt her former husband would take her to court. He hates attorneys(another bad point for me) and he hates the court system. Trying to be objective as possible and given I do this kind of work, on the slim to none scale for getting custody, he falls below slim. Her concern about his feelings(last night) was based I think more on fear of the verbal abuse she would once again have to endure. If he tried for custody, I would fight him to the bitter end. Some of my concerns are over things to me that now seem to be reservations that were not before. As far as starting up again in another place, I would do it except I am very well established here and if I started on my own in her county, I would be starting over. Although I work for a firm now, I head up a branch office and given my need for being independent, I doubt I could work for a firm and, there really are no firms there that would fit my needs-medical. I have health insurance where I am and if I was to go off on my own, I doubt I could afford coverage. I was diagnosed with MS in January, 1998. If I was to take the medication my doctor wants me to take(I'm holding for now), that would run about $12,000 per year. I can imagine the premiums if I applied for health coverage on my own. Based on various factors, we did decide her relocation here was the best alternative. My one big concern remains her feelings on moving when the middle child is going to begin high school, may develop more friendships or build stronger bonds-if child(ren) prevents her from moving now, what would be the difference in two years. She says pulling the two younger ones out in two years doesn't matter. My only question is the rationale. If I understood it, I could handle it more. Good things do come to those that wait but the early bird catches the worm, those who tarry are lost, when opportunity knocks, answer, it may not knock again, or opportunity only knocks once(not sure on how that one applies), a stitch in time save nine,, etc. What's fun about sayings and proverbs is for everyone a person can come up with, another person can find one that says the exact opposite. Just depressed, but thanks. I enjoy your comments and I actually did smile, however brief. Lee<P>------------------<BR>

It sounds to me like she is having second thoughts, which of course makes it easy to think about all the downsides to moving. It is very hard for kids to move during the middle of high school, especially if their primary relationships are with their peers. You said that you have been engaged for 23 months, yet she has only been divorced for a year? If there is one thing that has become obvious from reading the posts here for the last 2.5 years, it is that getting involved with someone new while you are still married, no matter how long separated, is not a good idea. <P>One of my biggest regrets was moving out of the town where my kids had grown up. Yes, this is a mobile society, and I think that is one of the problems with it. Of course, I just finished reading Grapes of Wrath, so this subject is kind of in the forefront of my mind.

Nellie1, nice to hear from you again. I just got done talking with her and she says she is not having second thoughts although sometime actions(or inaction) speak louder than words. I didn't say engaged for 23 months, I said seeing, or if I didn't, I should have. Not going to go back and read the whole thing again-too long. So, did you move while you're kids were still in school or do you regret moving after the kids were grown? Hope to hear back from you. Take care. Lee<P>------------------<BR>

My kids were still in school. None of them remembered living anywhere else; three of them had been born there. They had a difficult time adjusting to the new school system - not academically, because it was much easier, but culturally it was quite different. After two years we moved again, back closer (but unfortunately not into) the town where we had come from. <P>Three of my kids have seen their best friends of many years move away - unfortunately thousands of miles away - and each one has been heartbroken. I know a lot of kids change friends more often than their socks, but my kids tended to keep the same friends for many years. <P>My youngest's bus driver has lived in her house for 43 years (and she is only in her early sixties). All of her kids live close by. I wish I could have given my kids that kind of stability. I have no relatives nearby and my only sibling lives in Europe. My parents have been dead for two decades. As I mentioned, my two adult kids do not live close by - not only do I miss them terribly, but the four younger kids do too. In the space of a year, we went from a family of 8 to a family of 5, after my eldest went to college, my H left for the OW, and the next year my second eldest left for college. Our immediate family is all we have. I'd give my right arm to have a large extended family nearby.

Lee,<P>I dont think she is having second thoughts. I see it differently. You said yourself that her XH was abusive, and it appears she has risen above that and made a life for herself and 3 children. That is NOT easy for a single women raising kids. I too am an RN (degreed) even though salaries and jobs are in abundance, the security of a good job (with benefits, and good working conditions) is important.<BR>Lee, give her time. You are asking for some MAJOR life decisions to be made in the name of LOVE...which is all fine and dandy...except REALITY here...you two have never lived together, she has kids that are secure in their school situations, she owns her own home, and her parents are around the corner to help out ( RN's start shifts at 7am...difficult toget kids off to school). WOW Lee...I would not do it even for love..<BR>I would wait because I owe it to my children to maintain a stable and secure life. The kids are in a routine, they have just went through a divorce, with a disfunctional abusive father, now they are in a stable envoirment. No Lee sounds like your girlfriend is a very good and responsible mother (maybe another to love her even more). You owe it to her to allow this to happen at HER pace, and you two need to figure out other ways to spend more time together. This may not be what you wanted to hear, but I think what is important here are the kids, and all they have already been through in their short lives. Stabilty is the best thing you can give a child, your Girlfriend is providing that for her kids. Good Luck, this is just my opinion of course...

Nellie1 and MyCross: Thanks. I doubt though she would take a 7 o a.m. position. She is with visiting nurses now, although she doesn't seem to care for all that much at times. Lots of paperwork for government. I do to live together because I don't believe we should, plus with the distance, someone would have an almost eight hour commute each day. Not practical. I think all decisions are made based upon love. Matter of prioritizing sometimes. I'm not sure based on conversations with her how entrenched the kids are in school. However, I did get some new insights into all of this and I think I need to revise my post as a different topic. What I've decided to do is not have her move down before the two years because I think if she did it could be the result of an indirect ultimatim by me(never intended to do that). If she came down now, earlier, subconciously it could be that and that would only lead to bitterness, resentment and anger. The only problem with my theory is she may really change her mind. All this has helped, but I think I need to change the topic. Thank you all so very much! Lee<P>------------------<BR>

Hello Lee!<P>Just checking -- different perspective today? Thanks for all the posts back and forth yesterday. Made me really think about melding my family with *his* family yah know? Sure made me think about this relationship I'm in. Haven't decided yet if that's a good thing or a bad thing!<P>Keep me posted!<BR>Elan

Elan, I wish I knew what you were rethinking-blending families or forgetting the relationship? Let me know. Lee<P>------------------<BR>

Lee!<P>What would you say if I said "all three"? lol

alright...now that was cheeky...<P>k Lee, you asked for it.<P>After my life experience it's taken a long time to trust someone. So here pops in this person who is out of this world (believe me...I wasn't looking! - they say that's how it happens).<P>Well....we get along and really like each other. Our values and morals are the same and we've both come through some amazing things in our lives. He's been incredibly supportive, and like most of us who've experienced abuse, sometimes find the kindness and what's *normal* to be a little out of this world.<P>I guess I could see myself spending a long time with this man, but I'd rather think in terms of "no preconceived notions then you won't be disappointed with the outcome." Then there comes the *maybe this* and *maybe that* that's made me look at this realtionship differently.<P>I've read your posts and those of others. I find myself a *Mom* number one and like many out there, and some who've posted on here, am trying to provide stability for my children. Then....there's the other side. The side that wants to grip onto this *wonderful* and run like hell with my kids trailing behind me like a tail on a kite. All of this of course is confusing. So, like I said -- your thread and the posts are just making me think. <P>As a parent one of the hardest things is to let go of our children. Mom's maybe have a harder time than men. I do realize that children grow up and become adults. The question is -- when is the right time to let go?<P>So -- that's the long and short of it. Just musing and wondering and mulling over the *what if's*. Taking one day at a time!

Elan, thanks for responding. Don't have any answers for you. I'm not sure moms have a harder time letting go of kids than dads(not in all cases) The fact is, we do at some point let them go(actually they go, I don't think we let them go). We prepare them for life as best we can, but at some point they make their way into world, make mistakes, and continue to have our love and support. My experience with kids moving, did it before, is they are not happy about it but when that first day of school rolls around, they do fine. If you love this guy, have someone you can truly talk to, he's your best friend; my feeling is you take the "risk." Don't you think at some point a relationship has to progress or it ceases? If you had kids 5 and 7, 11 and 13 or 15 and 17, whatever, how long do you wait? If kids are 16, 12 and 7 and you are planning on making the move anyway, but want to wait until the first finishes high shool, at that point, the second is ready to start(and other bonds with friends become stronger), in essence not to pull one kid out and thereby punish yourself doesn't make sense to me because it happens to the second and third at some point-or, you don't make the move when the first is gone because of the same rationale used the first time. Why is it bad for the first but not the second? or then the third? Life is short, time is precious. I remembered another one of those old sayings: (S)he who hesitates is lost. By the way, how did I go from being a junior member to a member on this thing? Lee<P>------------------<BR>

ps to Elan: Life is filled with "what-ifs" and we can mull those over forever. What if this is the right guy and you decide to wait, he at some doesn't(not because he doesn't love you) the kids eventually leave-then what? I like taking risks, but not stupid ones. I do think things through. If I wasn't going on 49 and didn't have MS, I'd be an action figure. Anyway, you what-if things til you die wihtout ever making a decision. My "favorite" clients what-if me to death with hypotheticals that are real or absurd, but at some point I just tell them-don't know, do it and see what happens.<P>------------------<BR>

Elan, so very sorry, thought I was done. They should pay attorneys by the word, not the hour-I'd be rich. We are responsible for our kids, but when did this world of ours change to the point that we put them in control of decisions that need to be made by adults, or that should be made by adults. Don't you get tired of parents saying they are their kids best friend. It's not true for one thing, your kid(s) has his or her best friends, and sometimes you have to make the tough choices and decisions as a PARENT(Sorry to Nellie1). Okay, that's it.<P>------------------<BR>

YOU GET PAID BY THE HOUR??????????????????????/<P>man you are working for the WRONG firm I tell yah! Here..... they charge by the hourly portion.... .1 of an hour = 6 minutes, but if you talk to the client for 4 minutes you charge .1 and if you pick up the file and gaze at it for 7 minutes you charge .2 HA HA! <P>I hear you...risk...take the chance. Ahhhh but I took a chance on marrying the guy I loved and look where it got me? Forty-one appearances in court and I'm not even done with a settlement.....<P>Hm....stay tuned...next Bat Time....Same Bat Channel (and exactly WHO would you be???) You are a sweetie Lee. All I can say is be patient with those you love! {{hugs}}