My hubby of 4 months moved out a couple of weeks ago. There is no one else - he just can't stand living here! He has given me a list of issues (why didn't he tell me any of them while he was still here?!) and said he wants a divorce. He says he still loves me and loves my children and I want a chance to work on this marriage before we throw it away. He has reluctantly agreed to counseling and we have an appointment for next week. I really want to do this right and would like some guidance. I love this man - he is a good and stable(or so I thought) influence on my kids which is sorely needed. We are both in recovery. He has family of origin issues. His dad used to leave and come back with some frequency but never wanted a divorce. My hubby says he is convinced that there is no way he can live here and has moved his wedding band to his right hand to remind him of this! Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Hi Kitty,<BR>Have you read the concepts section of this website? If not I would advise you to read the information available here.<P>What were his list of issues? Maybe if you gave a little more history, we could help you better.<P>Anne

Thanks for the reply Anne - I'll reread concepts section. Here is the list in the order he presented it:<BR>1. My libido is stronger than his (his perception)<BR>2. Financial priorities: comfort before necessity<BR>3. Control issues: basic codependency<BR>4. Person hygiene: always wants to tongue kiss with dirty teeth (I presume this is at the end of a workday when I first get home)<BR>5. She wants only to "put in her 8 hours" and let me deal with everything else - an exaggeration I know<BR>6. Not persuing child support (my ex is 7 months behind and I have just started court procedings to collect)<BR>7. Makes me feel guilty fro wanting time alone and with my friends.<BR>8. Won't exercise or diet. (I feel like everytime I start he sabotages it - but then I am in recovery)<BR>9. Junk collector<BR>10. Won't let me get out of bed without doing something for her. (refers to request to refill coffee when he is already going for some)<BR>11. All night long, whenever I lose physical contact with her she "mewls" (this is in my sleep!)<BR>12. She stares at me and asks, what are you thinking?<P>This is his list verbatim. I have added comments in ().<BR>Thanks, <BR>Ellen<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Robskitty (edited August 15, 2001).]

OK Kitty,<P>How much of this do you feel you should be responsible for? I mean a toothbrush at work is not too much trouble, but co-denpendency is going to take a little more work.<P>Since he seems willing to make lists and tell you his needs, why not bring home the Emotional needs and Lovebusters and Financial Support questionaires?<P>The first thing to do is get rid of Lovebusters. So get an extra toothbrush , clean out a closet , and stop asking him what he is thinking !<P>Make a list of the chores you think are important, and have him make a separate list. Then combine them. Sit down and divide up the chores, taking turns. Harley has an exercise that covers this under domestic support.<P>It seems to me that some of the stuff on his list you won't be able to change - like mewling, but I don't understand why he is so irritated that you ask him for a cup of coffee when he is already getting one, UNLESS he feels neglected and resentful because his needs aren't getting met, and his Love Bank is running a little low.<P>What are you in recovery from? Alcohol abuse? Who is the controlling one in the relationship?<P>Anne

Robskitty,<BR>I will be honest with you, when i read those reason of his it made me sick. If a person truely love you, petty things should not matter.<BR>I really dont know the whole situation, just your side from what you have posted. But....and this is just a maybe.... it sound like there is someone else involved.<BR>I my relationship as well as others on here, it seems that only when your mate finds someone else, do the little thing start bothering them.<BR>Oh sure, you may ask him what he is thinking. But NOW it bothers him.<BR>you said that your "hubby or 4 months". But how long have you been together in all?? cause if it has been a few years, then that should have been enough time for him to decided if he likes the things you do or not.<P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

Ever catch him combing a rug? How many times a day does he wash his hands? It seems to me like you are married to an obsessive-compulsive man...good luck with that!<P>Hey look, if my XW wanted a tongue kiss every day when I got home, I hardly think I'd complain about it, and as far as the libido goes...get real! Life is full of those little annoyances...I agree...get rid of what you realistically feel responsible for, but I'd be willing to bet that a new list would be generated. If he is making lists to complain...I'm sorry...CRITICIZE, AND BELITTLE with at four months....maybe he ain't the one?<P>Just a thought...I am sorry, and I hope that you get things worked out. -Mike<BR>

I don't know what happened - I was posting a reply but it didn't show up?!? I will try to answer all questions. First, we are both recovering from alcohol and I from drugs as well. It is a very small community here so there is little likelihood that he could be seeing someone else without me knowing it. He has been fairly open with his mother who loves me and shares all! Sometimes she gets me angry at him, but her intentions are always good. He is currently living with a friend of his(also in recovery) who has been married 4 times. It really bothers me because I am sure there are some negative suggestions coming from there. We had been together for about a year when we got married - I guess 10 months to be exact, but had known each other for another year on top of that. As far as OCD goes, yes, I have questioned that and he wants to deny it. Perhaps he is just eccentric, but whatever it is he has set up counseling for us and sounds a lot more open at one day past. He is 45 and I am 49 and I know we are somewhat set in our ways - I know that can be overcome, but I also know it makes it harder. I suppose I am more the controller and he probably resents that. I would rather he be the controller, but he just doesn't take the reigns. I'm still hoping we can work this out. He is a wonderful father to my kids who have really needed one. They love him and miss him tremendously.<P>Anne, I think I am responsible for the things I can reasonably change. Thanks for the suggestion about the questionaires. I printed them out and will drop them by his house sometime today.<P>Thanks to all of you for your replies. I am going to see my new counselor today and will, of course, take the list with me. I'll let you know what happens.