In 5th week of separation. Found out this morning that W is in at least EA with her boss. Saw where she wrote she loved him. May be physical too, but cannot tell, and think she has broken it off.<P>Needless to say, i am crushed. But, i am strangely calm also-more so than i would have been a few weeks ago. i am unsure what to do now. i asked her point blank a few weeks ago if she was having an A, and she said no-i thought she was telling the truth. Maybe she was, and it is just infatuation.<P>Strange part is that it seems she is warming to me a little. We have good chats, she seems more interested in what i am doing, asked me a couple of times yesterday when i got the kids how my therapy is going, what my therapist and i are talking about. We had a great marriage counseling session last week. She does not seem nearly as set on D as she was.<P>i am confused. i don't want to LB, don't want to chase her. Should i ask her again about the A? Leave it alone? i feel i need to know where i stand in all this. If the marriage counseling is just her way of placating me, i need to know. the OM is older and her boss. Our relationship aside, she would be making a big mistake with him. He has an important position at a college. i could confront him, and he would probably back off. He may not even be the instigator. Don't know.<P>She is very confused right now, and does not know what she wants. i could forgive the A i think.<P>i need some suggestions please!<p>[This message has been edited by ANB3 (edited August 15, 2001).]

Hi ANB3, <P>So sad for you to discover an EA....I feel for you.<P>When I found out about my h's PA I was also strangely calm and we rationally talked about it, a very honest and awful conversation. Unfortunately for me, after that night it tore me apart, and I just couldn't leavcit it alone for months. And by the tim I decided to, because if I didn't let go it was going to KILL me, it was too late....he left.<P>If I had my time again I would not have brought it up as often (hey I'm only human, I KNOW I would have had to bring it up sometimes). <P>You are currently separated, you know about the EA, I would advise NOT bringing it up, because everything I read here tells me it is a LB. I suspect my h as well right now, but I have never mentioned it. Try your hardest not to do it, because if she is responsive to you, you don't want to wreck it. And also I guarantee it will only make YOU feel worse. Plan A as much as you can, it's working for you!<P>Jacky

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ANB3:<BR>I asked her point blank a few weeks ago if she was having an A, and she said no-i thought she was telling the truth.[/b]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Once again, I suspect we're married to the same woman. My wife told me she wasn't cheating- and I hadn't even asked her. A lot of people don't define EA as an affair, so your wife may not be lying in her definition. Or, she lied- not surprising, given the circumstances and the stakes. It hurts, but it's common.<P>I'll echo Nina's advice- I don't think that confronting her will do any good now. How would you tell her, especially since things seem to be going better? If you found this out by reading something private, that will be a huge LB. If you bring it up without refering to whatever you read ("I just have to ask you again..."), then you'll come off as mistrustful and needy- not what you want at this point. If you can somehow convince her that you just figured it out- well, something waiting_for_her told me applies: "no one, least of all her, is going to congratulate you for being so clever. She'll probably tell you it's the only thing you ever figured out."<P>You say she's confused, and that you believe dumping you for the OM would be a big mistake. If so, you probably have to let it run it's course. You won't be able to convince her she's confused and making a mistake- she'll have to figure that out for herself.<P>I know it's difficult not knowing where exactly you stand- I'm in the same very unstable boat. She might be doing the counseling just to placate you- but that's better than refusing to do it, and the counseling does you good as well. My wife has done counseling with me, and I'm sure her motive is to make the split easier for me. But she's still doing it, and I'm understanding her motivations better now because of it. If she ever decides to actually work on the marriage, we'll have a base to start from. <BR>

Thanks as always to my two stalwart friends. I agree with your advice, although it will be hard to lay off saying anythnig, but i think i can do it.<P>It may well nly be an EA, and as you said, she may not see that as an A. Seeing the words 'i love him' written about someone else is just so hard.<P>And now, my suspicion will run rampant. But i will sit tight and see what develops. The starnge thing is i think even if it was physical, i could get past it. It's the trust part that is hard.<P>And she has made a big show of how open and honest she is being these days since her resovery (addictions). But she is alos reverting to beahviors from when her addictions first started in her late teens-pretty comon, i understand.<P>I will hold my ground for now, put on my Plan A face, and move forward. I even e-mailed her a joke this morning, and she sent another one back to me, with an note about how much fun the kids had at my place last night. The frost is defuinitely coming off the pumpkin just a little.<P>The thing about the guy she is thinking of is that she is one of her bosses, and if it was to get out, she would probably lose her job over it. That's why i see her making such a mistake.<P>Thanks again guys.

^