My wife has just informed me that she wants a divorce. I don't know whether it is worth saving or not. I love my wife and child more than anything in the word. To make a long story short, my wife's dad committed suicide close to three years ago and our marriage has been down hill ever sence. I have not been the best husband in the world in helping my wife deal with this. She has said she will think about counseling, but only after the seperation agreement has been finalized and signed. What are some signs that a marriage might be worth saving? What are some sign that it might not be worth saving?

Hi, <BR>I'm kinda new here, but I think I can tell you that you will get a lot of support from people who have had similar stories to you.<P>First, I believe only you can decide if the work involved in trying to save your marriage is 'worth it'. Some people here have been trying to save their marriages for a couple of years, others threw in the towel after a few weeks. It is an individual decision.<P>However, the fact that you are here and also that you say you love your wife and child more than anything, indicates that you do want help to save it. It sounds like you may not have been meeting your w's emotional needs, and at this site you can learn how to do that.<P>Have you read all you can on this site, particularly about Plan A, Love Busters and the Love Bank. There are a lot of good articles and posts which you may find useful. <P>You may need to share a bit more about your story...you tell us what YOU think is wrong, but has your wife indicated anything to you? Why does she want a divorce? Is she still living with you? Do you suspect an affair? Telling will get you more input, which will help you a lot.<P>Keep posting!<P>Nina

Think very carefully if you gave her legitimate cause to want the divorce or separation. For me that usually is no unless there was abandonment, abuse (verbal or phys.), adultery on your part, or addictions.<BR> If the answer is no then she may be having a secret affair. Spend the money, get a good private investigator and have her followed and recorded. They know all of the patterns of WS. My PI told me what my wife would do before she did it, then taped it.<BR> WS are very effective liars. Good liars have no little or no conscience and that fits most WS's. <BR> I almost called the PI off at the last minute because my wife had me so convinced with all of the lies.<P> Hire the PI to for a few carefully selected times. I set her up by agreeing to a trip she took out of town where I knew a possible A was. I said, yes it would be good to visit your family there. I even had my parents loan her a nice car to use for the weekend. When they are lost in an affair that extra little bit of cover they think they have will make them careless.<BR> You might say for instance "I am going to get out of town for a couple of days with the kids so you can have some space to think about if this is really what you want". Set the PI up for that weekend and then get out of town. <BR> In the case that you want custody of the kids don't let on about your knowlege of the affair until divorce proceedings. Have your attorney slip in a question about any affairs and whamo she will perjure herself and you will have videotaped evidence. The court won't want to have much to do with her after that and you could have your way.<BR> Once you have the REAL TRUTH you may want to save your marriage. If its an A...good luck. It didn't work for me and I swear I did everything I could. I cooked, cleaned, wrote love notes, gave massages, complimented, took trips...no avail. Once they cross that line it is so easy to do again when the right offer/opportunity comes.<BR> If I had to guess at your situation, I would say that your lack support may have made her look elsewhere for the support and she found it in the form of an opportunistic louse at work or elsewhere. Someone who would say exactly what she wanted to hear to get their way. <BR> I find it extremely rare that someone will separate without Affairs/abuse/abandonment/addictions because frankly being divorced sucks. Being lonely sucks. They usually have a replacement lined up. Jeff Foxworthy has a funny bit about this unfunny subject...wish I could remember it now...<P>Be smart and compassionate all at once and the right thing will happen.<P>Regards,<BR>DS<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR><B>Hi, <BR>I'm kinda new here, but I think I can tell you that you will get a lot of support from people who have had similar stories to you.<P>First, I believe only you can decide if the work involved in trying to save your marriage is 'worth it'. Some people here have been trying to save their marriages for a couple of years, others threw in the towel after a few weeks. It is an individual decision.<P>However, the fact that you are here and also that you say you love your wife and child more than anything, indicates that you do want help to save it. It sounds like you may not have been meeting your w's emotional needs, and at this site you can learn how to do that.<P>Have you read all you can on this site, particularly about Plan A, Love Busters and the Love Bank. There are a lot of good articles and posts which you may find useful. <P>You may need to share a bit more about your story...you tell us what YOU think is wrong, but has your wife indicated anything to you? Why does she want a divorce? Is she still living with you? Do you suspect an affair? Telling will get you more input, which will help you a lot.<P>Keep posting!<P>Nina </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Nina too,<P>My wife said the thought of a man supporting her kills her. Growing up, her mom and dad always had money problems with her mom always depending on her dad. She doesn't want to be that way. She moved out 3 days ago. I do not expect an affair.<P>

LTOIL,<P>I don't want to sound pessimistic, but there has GOT to be more than that. It is your job to find out what, so that you can work on it (if you decide you want to). It could be any number of reasons. <P>I brought up affair, because AFTER my h left five weeks ago, little things added up, and he had had an A in December-Feb...possibly the same one continuing, so I know the signs. When he was here I chose to ignore them because I was trying my BEST not to love bust (LB) and because I wanted to believe him when he said he wanted to be here and grow old with me. But now I see there is definitely something going on with him. I have chosen not to investigate YET, but if he is determined in his decision to divorce, then I will hire a PI. As DS says, it will be weighty in court, and I know he wants the kids, he has said so.<P>Don't discount ANYTHING in this game....one guy here began like you a few weeks ago, no way would his wife have an affair, and he's just discovered that she is. BUT it could be a lot of things.<P>I still haven't got any coherent answers from my h, and neither has his family. He just says he's always been unhappy, and I know that is not true. Convenient line of reasoning for him at the moment, bad marriage, he doesn't want to be here...he's in a fog.<P>It stinks, but you should examine the reasons why you think she left, anything she said or did prior that may give you a clue, and work from there. Examine your own behaviour, but don't be over-critical, because it was she who chose to put up the wall, and close herself to you. Try to become a better person and show her (not tell her). Read the Plan A stuff.<P>And incidentally, whatever the reason she left you, you can't ever talk her out of it. She needs to come to that decision herself...HARD WORK for you, to let that happen. So whatever changes you make, try to do it for the most part, for you alone.<P>Hope I helped, I get the feeling I'm rambling now, so I'll sign off...!!!<P>Nina<P><BR>

Hello Lost,<P>The most important part of your post to me was the death of your wife's father. The death of a parent can be a turning point in a marriage. Your wife's own mortality has been thrown in her face and the what if I end up like my dad. Your wife may be trying to run from reality. I don't know if her relationship with her parents is/was a close one but in any event she, like all of us, may have been realizing that she was becoming her parents and then dad goes and does himself in what a horrible legacy. So, instead of forgiving her father she runs to protect herself from this legacy. Your wife hopefully is not involved in a EA or PA but she is ripe to have one.<P>[b}Please read everything on this site.[/b] That fact that you are even here suggest that you may be looking for a way to save your marriage. Your screen names speaks volumes as well. Begin planA immediatly. I say that yes your marriage is worth saving because it involves children and they deserve an intact family. You and your wife need to make every effort to save the marriage. As Dr. Phil says your don't get a divorce you have to earn it. <P>What makes you think that your marriage may not be worth saving? Only in cases of abuse or addiction may the marriage not be worth saving.<P>Don't give up. Marriage is work and you have run into a really tough spot that will require more that the normal maintenance.<P>Just my 2 cents worth.<P>Hang in there.<P>Take Care.<P>ps you may want to post on the general questions board there are lots of really great people over there working hard to save their marriages. <BR>

One question...<P>Do you want to be married to this woman?<P>If so, then there is your answer. Read everything on this site, and post often. There are great people around here. <P>Good luck.<BR>K

I would just like to tell you that I believe any marriage is worth trying to save. Obviously you love your wife immensely and it is that love that will be your guiding force. I encourage you to continue to express or show love towards your wife, because she still is your wife. If you do seek counseling, secular counseling will only worsen your situation. I recommend you see your church pastor (or leaders) who deal with this sort of thing. I believe the only way a marriage can be saved is through the LOVE of God. There is no greater love. Apologize to your wife for not always being there when she needed you most. Let me just say again that your marriage is worth saving. Pray for her and for your own direction. Ask God to restore your love. He listens and will always answer.

Okay, I'll chime in, too. You ask is it worth trying to save. Probably you think she won't allow that, and you are not wanting to put forth effort in a lost cause, and don't want things to get worse. I understand that, <B>but</B>...this is a key point in this process. She wants separation paperwork done. DO THAT. A legal separation is not a divorce. Stop pressuring her to stay, quit reminding her how much you love her. Read 'Love Must Be Tough' by Dr. James Dobson.<P>For the time being, do not entertain the idea of an affair. There is a high probability that there is <I>something</I> else going on...no doubt. I agree that her Father's suicide is a factor, but your failure to meet her ENs is very high on the list, IMHO...whether or not there is an affair. Hiring a PI could backfire, and having that knowledge now will <B>not</B> help anything. If you try to 'set her up', and she gets wind of it, kiss the marriage goodbye! Honestly, which matters more to you...knowledge, or love? Focus on Plan A, but do not pursue her!<P>My XW began in the same way, but I pushed about an affair, and pressured her, thinking that being married for 18 years, and four kids meant something to her. All I succeeded in doing was hastening the demise of my marriage, and driving her further into the arms of a friend of mine. Give her total space in this. When she contacts you, be nice...give her the conversation, and concern that you should've given her all along. Also read 'His Needs, Her Needs'.<P>Your actions now will determine your outcome later. If you act suspicious, you will be right. If you pursue, she will run faster. Get smart in this, friend...fast. Go slowly with her. Understand that this will take time. Don't try to fix it all at once! God Bless -Mike