I have had such a horrible week. We told the kids on Monday that daddy would be moving out on Thursday. Well today is Thursday and he is moving out today. I feel so empty, scared and alone. I can't stop the tears. I am really worried about the kids (11, 6 & 2). They are not doing so well. I could really use some words of encouragement.<P>My husband tells me this has nothing to do with not loving me anymore and has told me that "He is still in love with me, and that I am the only one for him". In fact, he is leaving because he is still in love me and wants us to stop fighting and that maybe this time apart will help us get past this rut we are in of the constant fighting. No matter how much Plan A'ing I was doing, this was going to be the only way to stop the fighting.<P>This really sucks and I am having a horrible week, day, hour, minute.<P>Thanks for listening.<P>Michele

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sballplyr:<BR>My husband tells me this has nothing to do with not loving me anymore and has told me that "He is still in love with me, and that I am the only one for him". In fact, he is leaving because he is still in love me and wants us to stop fighting and that maybe this time apart will help us get past this rut we are in of the constant fighting. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I am very sorry to hear you're in such pain- but I do see a bright side. If he still loves you as he says, but wants to cool off the conflict, you are one of those rare couples for whom a separation may be just what the doctor ordered. Those of us dealing with confused spouses, infidelity, etc., fear that separation is just a prelude to divorce. For you two, it could be a very healthy step.<P>I hope counseling is available to you both. I'd also suggest reading "Should I Stay or Go," an excellent book I read about how to structure a separation to help heal the marriage.<P><BR>

I concure with Dabigtrain, if he is being truthful too you about his feelings then this may just be a quick way too keep your family together in the long run. You should start also discussing marriage counselling if you haven't already.<P>If you believe what he says to be true, try not to be too suspicious about his actions, he may percieve that in the wrong way. If he is not being truthful chances are the truth will fall in your lap soon enough.

I do know that he is being truthful in his words. I do know that he is still in love with me and that he is not out there trying to find himself. He just wants the fighting to stop. Counseling as a couple is out of the question. He does not believe in counseling and believes that his problems are his problems that only he can deal with. He does not talk about his problems with anyone. I do hope that we will be able to work this out and right now he doesn't want to talk about the terms of the separation because it is too hard. He says he is still going to come by and see the kids everyday. He is not getting a place of his own, he is moving in with his mother.<P>I just don't know what to do with myself. I am trying to be strong for the kids and they are what get me through the days but this is so very hard.<P>

That may a problem, I know my refusal to seek councelling 2 years ago plays a part in the current situation I am in. And now my wife refuses to even try. Maybe you can kinda clue him in to this website, it may help a bit.

He knows about this website, I have a lot of the documents lying around the house. He is adamant about the fact that only he can solve his problems. That is the part that is the hardest for me. He internalizes everything and I am the type that needs to talk them out.

<A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0809225131/qid=997976115/sr=2-1/ref=aps_sr_b_1_1/103-5285037-3911049" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0809225131/qid=997976115/sr=2-1/ref=aps_sr_b_1_1/103-5285037-3911049</A>

(((Michele)))<P>You and your family is in my thoughts and prayers. No great words of wisdom except utilize this separation to grow as a person, a mother, and a wife.<P>If you love something set it free......<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

{{{{{Michele}}}}}<P>I am going to make this quick, because I get the feeling that my phone will be cut off at any moment.<P>I was going to bump you last night...I was wondering what today would bring for you...me, too.<P>Yes, he is right. Only he can change him...but if he needs changing, someone else's perspective, wisdom, and experience can help him in that process. Now, this is just between you, me and the fence post, but he is not internally willing to change. None of us are at our core. Your subconscious does not judge at all. It believes whatever you tell it, and when people make statements like his, then they are only going to learn 'the hard way.' Pity, because they usually hurt someone else enough to lose them. <B>Remember that[!</B>. Be patient! I will try to get back with you when I don't feel so pressured.<P>For now.....hugs, hugs, hugs....and prayers. God Bless you, hang in there! -Mike

Thanks to all of you for your words of support and encouragement. I hope that our time apart will be short. I do know that his mother is in my corner, as you will. She too believes that we need to talk more, spend more time with each other and our kids and less time with all of our friends. I hope that by him staying there, he will listen to her. Afterall, he respects her more than anything in this world and they have a great relationship.<P>I will be trying to hold my head up high and give my children the best love and support I can through all of this.<P>You may find me on this board very frequently over the next couple of days, weeks, months. . . <P>Thanks again.<P>Michele

May not mean much...but the seperation from my ex certainly did shed some light on my true feelings for her. It seems seperation brings clarity to an other wise confusing situation. Perhaps he will realize what he is missing??

Well, my husband has been moved out since Thursday but he has been at the house everyday for several hours. He sits here and cries and tells me he hates this. He misses the kids, he misses me, he hates this. I told him that the porch light will always be on when he is ready to come home. I also told him that he was the one that wanted the separation and it is not fair to the kids that he comes here everyday until it is time for him to go to his mothers to sleep. What kind of separation is that. I have continued with my Plan A'ing and even Plan B. On the first night he left, he told me to page him if we need ANYTHING. I told him that wouldn't be necessary, the kids and I will be just fine. The kids and I have been to pretty well since Friday. We have been keeping busy and just having fun.<P>I guess I just don't understand this separation. He wanted to separate so we quit fighting. Okay, so we don't fight because he is not here but the root of our problems aren't just going to disappear because he stays away for a while. He has his beliefs on what needs to happen and I have mine. Unfortunately, that is the breakdown of our marriage right now is that we can't come to an agreement so we end up fighting. How are we ever going to come to an agreement if we don't get a third person to tell us what we are doing wrong. I told him to talk to a very dear friend of ours that offered to step in and tell us where we are doing it wrong. So now I am just waiting to see what happens.<P>Can anyone tell me what to make of this separation? He basically just sleeps in another house. That just doesn't seem fair to me or the kids that they have to tell their father goodbye everyday. I personally think that since he wanted this separation, he should have no contact for at least a week so reality can slap him right in the face. Sorry if I sound so harsh but reality hits me everyday he comes by the house and then leaves because the kids start crying all over again and start asking me when is daddy coming home.<P>Thanks for letting me get this out.<P>Michele

Hi Michele,<P>Have you thought of trying to get him to read this site's information with you, especially the emotional needs stuff? Just a thought...<P>He doesn't sound like he really is committed to being away, does he. Well, good for you, all the more times to Plan A. My advice is DON'T push him away, at least the kids are seeing their dad, and that is a good thing. If it bothers you that they get upset every time he leaves, could you suggest he leave after their bed-time? And it doesn't matter if he's there every day or twice a week like mine...the kids will still get upset when he leaves.<P>Hope I helped!

It doesn't sound like he is committed to being away and I do think it is great that he comes to see the kids everyday.<P>He is completely against reading or listening to anything that could possibly help us get through our problems that we both agree are completely fixable. So how do you get through to someone who doesn't want help?<P>After today, I am completely removing myself from any contact with him. When he comes over, I will not talk to him or even acknowledge his presence. That seems to be what he wants anyways. When he does show up, he comes through the door and says hello to the kids and tells them that he loves them and then he gets on the computer to check sports scores and play games. It's like I am invisible. So if it is invisible he wants, it is invisible he will get.<P>Thanks for the advice and I will continue my Plan A'ing but I am probably going to be mostly Plan B'ing now. My life continues on with the kids and if he wants to just stay away so we don't fight anymore then fine. I just wish he could see that even though we are not fighting, the problems aren't going to disappear. They are going to have to be talked about at some point and he doesn't talk to anybody.<P>Michele

Okay, you've only been separated a few days, so listen to a "veteran" of six weeks and one day LOL .<P>My h was VERY distant to me, and quite cold in my presence. So I just disappeared when he got here. However, I Plan A'd as much as I could in the hello, goodbye period. Looked good, tried to greet him warmly. Did what I could, but I kept out of he way. One day I decided not to greet him and he came looking for me. Nice!!! But I didn't keep it up cos I want to Plan A.<P>It didn't seem to be working for me either...the more I looked good and acted sweet the more the wall went up...but I kept trying. <P>I made a big decision recently to go back to my home country if we remain separated (says it's what he wants anyway) but he didn't think I'd go with out a fight. I told him this today. Read about what happened on my Hiroshima post.<P>The thing is I have been Plan A'ing for 6 months....I don't know how long you have, but they say six months should be the minimum.<P>If he's sitting there crying and saying he's missing you guys, it is NOT time to go to Plan B, unless you have lost all love for him. Read up on Plan A and B again and see what I mean.<P>Hope I helped!<P>Nina<P>------------------<BR>"When the going gets tough, the tough get going" Nina's dad.

Michele, I think that there is much progress being made, and he is clearly showing you things that most of the rest of us never got. I think he genuinely wants to make it work, but he sees obstacles that are insurmountable...what are those obstacles? What are your core issues with him? Not just now, what are three things that you most want to see change in him? Be totally unrealistic, and as absolutely selfish as you can be. -Mike

Well, OK, I think your separation may be weirder than mine. I can't blame you for having trouble understanding it, because he initiated it and <I>he</I> doesn't understand it. He says only he can fix his problems, but playing computer games isn't going to do that. On the other hand, I agree with Mike that he clearly wants the marriage to work, he just doesn't know how to do it.<P>You might want to read <I>Divorce Busting</I>, by Michelle Weiner-Davis. She spends a lot of time talking about what you can do to affect your relationship when your spouse isn't helping. It's very common-sense, but it requires some self-analysis that might be difficult for you- you have to look at your behavior and try to figure out how it's prompting negative behaviors in him. <P>I can't imagine Plan B is what you need here. If he's telling you he hates being separated and he just wants the fighting to stop, tell him you do too. Don't blame ("well, you walked out")- accept it, and tell him you want to stop fighting as well. Maybe that will be the time to gently suggest outside help. <P>Do you have an idea of why he's so sure about not wanting counseling? Don't just say it's a guy thing- there are lots of guys who have gone. Is it the face-to-face aspect of it? Revealing himself to strangers? Is he afraid someone will find out (the old "I saw your car parked in front of the shrink's office?" problem)? You two have to get some outside help, either by reading books together or counseling, so you're going to have to really dig deep to analyze why he's resisting it so.<BR>

Hi Michele... So sorry for coming onto your thread so late. I'm very sorry about your H's behavior... I can totally relate as my H is much like yours in that he doesn't believe in counseling nor does he like the MB board... in fact, he has a touch of dyslexia and called it the BM board and then decided he liked that name better... kind of rude but whatever.<P>So, it's been since Thursday huh? So, does he spend time with his kids when he comes or does he just loiter? Does he work? I wonder what the week days will look like. I can't fathom what he must be thinking... he just doesn't know what to do it sounds like.<P>Maybe he's an *experiencial* learner and wants to try things to see if they'll work and then decide... this is his trial... he just doesn't realize that there are consequences to all of his behavior.<P>I'm with you on the Plan B thing... I've thought about how to instigate that somewhat while we're doing this *in house* separation... sometimes it works and then he looks for me and draws me back into conversation - you know the three phases of marriage... intimacy, conflict and then withdrawal... we just haven't yet learned the skills to navigate our way through conflict yet. So, we just avoid it.<P>This may be where you both are... time is on your side... but you've got to make use of it. Hang in there and don't take your frustrations out on the kids if you can manage... that's so hard for me not to be distant from them also as I contemplate my situation. But they don't deserve it.<P>Keep us posted!<P>Nicole<P>------------------<BR><I>The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerable</I> ~ Henri Nouwen

Okay everybody, I need advice or your thoughts on this. For those of you that have been following my story, you all know that my husband is Mr. Against Counseling. Well, I spoke to my husband this morning and he has agreed to have one of our very close friends act as our counselor. It is something that I suggested the other day to him and he seemed okay with it and today he said he would call our friend to arrange a time for the three of us to get together. My husband does agree that we need a third person to tell us where we are doing it wrong and I think that the friend that both of us has agreed upon can be very objective and will be able to tell us what we are doing wrong.<P>I just need to know if anybody sees this as a good thing or a bad thing.<P>Thanks.<P>Michele

Hi Michele,<P>Is your friend a trained counsellor? Just wondering because we have a friend who is a trained counsellor, and she offered her services, but he absolutely DID NOT want her knowing our private business!!!<P>Don't know how good she is, she is currently in her third marriage....hmmmmm (don't get her confused with my h's three times divorced OW).<BR>