I didn't come here to be flamed or slammed, I was only looking for someone in the same or similar situation and how they dealt with their situation etc. So I am removing my original post.<P><p>[This message has been edited by angelmom (edited August 17, 2001).]

It is so hard when you lose a child and you feel you have lost your love. I just finished a great book called "The Case Against Divorce". You and your husband have just taken different paths for the time being. It is so much harder to work on making things better then it is to let go. <BR>You do need to work on you, but you also need to remember you loved him once when you were happy with who you were. Finding yourself does not mean leaving him. You can and will be happy again and your marriage can even be better. Why give up all of those wonderful years together. Find yourself and you will find the love you once had, and it will be better then you imagined if you just try.<BR>I only wish I had the chance to do it before my husband left me and our 3 children 9,7 and 4. Just think someday you will both have grandchildren and what a better legacy to hand down to them then 2 loving Grandparents who had a hard life and made it better.<P>God Bless,<BR>Lostinny

Thank You!<p>[This message has been edited by angelmom (edited August 17, 2001).]

Since it is FAR, FAR too common. let me ask a question first.<P>I ask only so we on this forum can asses what is going on in order to give you the best advice possible.<P>Are you or he seeing anyone else either intimately or just someone you speak with or see all the time?<P><B>But I do have to admit that at this time and after seven years I believe that my feelings are at a point of no return.</B><BR>When you start saying this, it can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.<BR> <BR><B>I want to try a separation and give us both time to think about what we want. I want to be my own person and do whatever I want without having to answer to anyone.</B><BR>Does this mean you want to start dating others?<P><B>Our son's are grown and our youngest son died eight years ago at the age of 10.</B><BR>This can be devastating to a marriage/relationship and not always can you recover, especially if you do not think it is possible.<BR>I'm not going to pretend I know how it felt/feels. But your marriage can survive & indeed thrive if you both want it to.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Thank you!<P>I don't understand why some of the people who respond to posts in these forums are so nasty. <P>We are all only human and are not perfect. If we were we'd be God and that is not at all possible.<P>It appears that if someone is the BS or hasn't been in someone elses shoes then the person who posts who might be a WS or the not so perfect spouse is flamed and slammed big time.<P>It's important for people to realize that we all have done things at one time or another that we are not proud of and must not be the first to cast stones and sweep our own doorstep clean.<P>This will be the last post that I place here or on any other forum within this group.<P>Thank you but no thank you for the slamming.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by angelmom (edited August 17, 2001).]

So you had a sexual relationship outside of your marriage, you’re still seeing the guy, you don’t want to be married and now you‘re miserable and, “I just want to do whatever I feel like doing.”<P><BR>WOW! I haven’t heard that on this board since, like, yesterday.<P>This board is for marriage building. We can tell you how to make your marriage everything it should & could be but with an ongoing affair, you will very likely get mad & leave here.<P>I suggest you read the heartbreak others in your situation have created. You want to rip apart the lives of you and your husband, your children, your grandchildren and others around you.<P><B>Seven years ago I told my husband how I felt, that I didn't think I was in love with him anymore. I thought that perhaps letting him know how I felt would help our situation but because of his reserve nature nothing changed for the better.</B><BR>So you told him. Good start. What did you do to improve your relationship?<P><B>our marriage has deteriorated to the point</B><BR>Why did you let it get so bad?<P><B>My therapist tells me that I have to take care of myself and my happiness first. I have been characterized as a caretaker and need to start taking care of myself.</B><BR>Is your therapist telling you to leave you husband? If so, you need to immediately get a new therapist. Any therapist who tells you to do whatever you want “to make yourself happy” at the expense of others is simply telling you exactly what you want to hear & taking your money.<P><B>I told him how unhappy etc I have been and asked him if he was honestly happy with the way things are?</B><BR>suggestions did you discuss with him to improve your marriage? What retreats/seminars did you sign up for both of you to attend?<P><B>The reason I am writing is to ask advice on how to break this gently to him?</B><BR>Yeah, right.<P><B>I know there will never be a right time or the right words but I'm scared to death as to what his reaction will be.</B><BR>Are you afraid he will tell you he loves you & he might want to fix things? Are you afraid you will have to give up your affair? Didn’t you agree to spend the rest of your life with him, “until death us do part” or did you get to slip in the line “or until something better comes along or I get bored”?<P>Let me ask a question. Give it plenty of thought. Just answer the question as it stands. Don’t put more into it than there is.<P>Don’t you think the absolute best thing would be for you and your husband to fall madly in love with each other and for you to stay together and be more happy than you have ever been?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

<B>The only happiness I have in my life right now is my nine month old grandson.</B><BR>Hope you enjoy it now because you will very probably not have that anymore after you rip out your children’s hearts.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I notice you couldn’t respond to the posts & had to edit what you wrote previously. Any reason you didn’t/wouldn’t respond?<P><B>This board is for marriage building. We can tell you how to make your marriage everything it should & could be but with an ongoing affair, you will very likely get mad & leave here.</B><BR>Go figure. I was right.<P><B>Thank you!<BR>I don't understand why some of the people who respond to posts in these forums are so nasty.</B><BR>Because someone doesn’t agree with leaving a spouse, they are nasty? Please don’t insult me.<P><B>We are all only human and are not perfect.</B><BR>Very true.<P><B>It appears that if someone is the BS or hasn't been in someone elses shoes then the person who posts who might be a WS or the not so perfect spouse is flamed and slammed big time.</B><BR>You are the one who came here & asked how you could leave your husband because; <P>a - you aren’t happy<BR>b - you hade/are having an affair<BR>c - you did nothing to repair your relationship<BR>d - you want to do nothing to repair your relationship<P>As I said before, this site is for saving, repairing and enhancing marriage, which in the long run is much, much more satisfying than divorcing someone, “because your unhappy and I have to take care of myself and my happiness first.“<BR>You want to do the first and you will get more help than you can imagine. <P><B>It's important for people to realize that we all have done things at one time or another that we are not proud of</B><BR>I’ll be at the front of that line, please!<P><B>and must not be the first to cast stones and sweep our own doorstep clean.</B><BR>I have owned up to what I have done wrong. I am far from perfect. You came here & tried to portray yourself as a “victim” of a bad marriage, when we can see you fit the pattern EXACTLY!<P><B>This will be the last post that I place here or on any other forum within this group.</B><BR>Sorry you feel that way. In a few years you can think back and see that I was (probably mostly) right.<P><B>Thank you but no thank you for the slamming.</B><BR>Where exactly did you see the slam? I didn’t see any other posts. I responded to your points, you didn’t like what you read so you bolted, just as I predicted.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A><p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited August 18, 2001).]