My wife has been gone for more than a month now. She has apparently moved on with her life but I cannot say the same. I have done a few small things to brighten her day and show her that I still think about her and miss her. I've even spent money that I should be using for other things to buy her little gifts and pay small bills of hers that she may have forgotten about or may not have the money for. I haven't told her any of this. My question is this? At what point does a normal person realize, or decide, that trying to save a marriage is a waste of time? She has told me that she sometimes wonders what I'm doing or who I'm spending time with. She asked me why I don't have a girlfriend. That question stunned me. I thought the answer would be obvious. As far as I know she isn't dating anyone. Why would she expect me to? Would it make her feel better to think that I had moved on? <P>I lose a little hope each day. I brought her dinner at her office today. Being in the Army, I was in uniform. I decided yesterday that I would bring dinner so I made sure to look as good as humanly possible. I also brought some little things that I knew she would want but wouldn't come to our...my...apartment to get. She smiled, said hello, told me that I looked very nice, and basically said nothing else. I felt uncomfortable looking at her and not being able to say things I had said in the past, like "I love you" or "I'll call you later" so I wished her a good night and left. I asked her to call me and she said she would. Well, it's time for me to go to sleep and she hasn't called yet. A part of me knew she would not call, but a bigger part hoped she would. <P>I'm tired of hurting and of being hurt. I guess I hope against hope for something that won't happen. But for the life of me I cannot accept the probability that my marriage is over. I want to call her, but I'm afraid. I want to see her, but I'm afraid. I'm sick and tired of being afraid. I am waiting for the day I jump at my own shadow. I have friends that are doing their best to comfort me, but they are all telling me to move on. Do they see something I don't or won't see? <P>I still wear my wedding band. At the clubs, every once in a while I get checked out. People have told me I'm handsome but either I'm dense and get checked out often and don't see it, or my friends are being nice. When I do notice looks from other women, their gaze inevitably goes to my hand and the looks stop. That's fine, I guess. I am married, in my heart and mind as well as in the legal system. Going out and seeing guys with their girlfriends/wives makes me sad and jealous. I remember feeling the way they do and looking they way they do and I can't understand or comprehend why I do not feel that way now. <P>How long is too long to attempt to save something you value and how much pain is too much? I read in a novel about a group of religious zealots who believed that there is a finite amout of suffering in the world and the more they take unto themselves, the less there is for the rest of the world. Sometimes I feel as if I am one of those people, but instead of suffering willingly, I am being tortured. Perhaps it is time for me to take another magic pill and lift myself up from this pit of sadness and confusion. Or perhaps I am a glutton for punishment and a masochist for putting myself through this. <P>I suppose I will continue on my course and attempt to bring my wife back to me. I am in a tunnel with no light at the end of it. I don't know where I am going and cannot see my hand in front of my face. Perhaps I am too old and too stupid to face reality. Perhaps I am too afraid to face it. Or maybe I have more hope than my mind will admit. I heard once that it is not the destination that matters. It is the journey and the roads travelled. I will find out eventually.<P>------------------<BR>Don't look back. You never know what is gaining on you.

I read you first post here to get a bit of a background on your situation. Your story is so similar to mine and many other people here.<P>I have been separated for almost 6 weeks, he went away to think, after several months of us trying to Plan A. Yesterday he told me he wants to end the marriage. That it's time to give up. I said I will never give up the hope that we can retrieve our relationship. And I won't.<P>But I am moving into Plan B today. I will probably move back home (we're OS now) because I will not support what he's doing any more, but if he wants me the door will always be open.<P>In a sense I feel like I am giving up. I really don't know at this point if that's what I'm doing. I just know now that I need space, too.<P>As to when to give up? When you are ready, when there is absolutely not one hope left. There is a teeny bit of hope for me, not much, but while it's there, I'll keep planning.<P>Good luck.

there is a difference between giving up and taking care of yourself, I think the time comes when we have to stop hurting ourselves and preserve what is left, I think that is what plan B is about, it has not been long for you so keep plan A'ing they say give plan A 6 months.<P>

Hi,<P>I have been, or WE were until he left, Plan A'ing since November. That's when he had his first A, I foud out, we decided to try. An it was going VERY well; then he put up a wall.<P>Nina

Wolfen.<P>Your statement: "I lose a little hope each day. " Is IMO the key. Right now your are full of hope which is a good thing for it gives you the strength to carry on. <P>Its also is like a weight scale. Hope on one side and the need to be free of the issue on the other. You the loving human and husband want things to work, and believe me time will be tough for you in the next few weeks.<P>If things starting going better by using the practices of this web site then the scale will tip for the betterment of your marriage. <P>If on the other hand as you state "I lose a little hope each day. " there will come a point when you give up and start moving on with YOUR life and not with the entent to remain married.<P>Each person is different, each person has a unique threshold of how long they will keep hoping and continue doing the MB practices.<P>My advice at this point is keep doing the PLAN A, READ,Read, Read. And work on yourself (Grow). <P>I have learned more, done more, for and about myself in the last 1.5 years than I ever did prior to and during marraige. <P>Prayers.<BR>Tex.<P>

Wolfy,<BR> You seem to be doing a great job of plan Aing. Keep it up.<BR>The tunnel you are now going through will long and dark but eventually you will find a light at the end. there are times when you will feel like giving up and getting so depressed that you just dont care ... at times like this the best thing you can do is say... i married her fora reason .. .remember what that reason was and remember that it is never to late to try. <BR> Your wife right now is probrably in a fog (not necissarily because there is someone else) and shes very confused about what she wants, whats best fo her and where she is going in life.<BR>all you can do on this i wait it out and be there for her when she realizes that shes ready to be loved again.<BR> it is going to take to take time. <BR>dont give up before all reconciliation has run dry.<BR>the only time limit to reconstructing a relationship is the one YOU give it.<BR>Best of luck <BR>Ill talk to you tonight if you want.<P>ps might be a good idea to post this thread in general questions as well.<BR>technically you arent on the verge of divorce<BR>keep your head up<BR>