My w and I will have been married for 10 years on the 19th September. We have three beautiful boys aged 6,8 and 10.My sad story starts on the 1st July when my W shattered my life by telling me that she wanted a divorce, this came as such a surprise to me that I could not believe what she was telling me, as our marriage was fine upped then. She told me that we were married because of what other people wanted (inlays) and that she was sick of that and that she wanted out. I suggested that we both go and see a marriage councillor together and try and resolve our problems. The outcome was that the councillor explained that my W had many other problems that she needed to deal with before we could even look at our marriage. That was the last time my wife went to a councillor. Then my W told me that she did not think that counselling or a check-up on her hormones balance (Forgot my W had a hysterectomy last year July) would change the way she feels. Finally it became so unbearable for me to be around my wife, she even told me that she did not even want me to sleep in the same bed as her . So I slept with my children for a couple of days.I was so depressed that I could not bear the pain any more So I finally Suggested to my wife that we separate for the time been. Every weekend I would take the kids to my Parents house and<BR>take them back on Sunday night except for one weekend when she had the kids. I Phoned her on Saturday evening to say halo to my kids as I phone them every day and every evening, I was so mad to find out that she had gone out with friends and left the kids with her sister and then found out that she had done this on every weekend when I had the kids, going out with friends and sleeping over. That following week I was phoned by her attorneys telling me that my W was filling for a divorce. I Felt as if my LIFE had been taken away from me.<BR> The final straw came last Wednesday. As it was a long weekend my W asked me to make arrangements to look after the kids as she was going on a long weekend with her Friends::: She suggested that I stay out our home , I agreed . On my arrival at the house I noticed that all photographs of myself had been removed from the house, This really destroyed me . To make things worse My youngest son told me about a uncle**** who was now his friend, later to find out that this man had slept over in our house that Tuesday evening. On Sunday my W SMS me to ask me whether I had told the kids about the Divorce , this made me mad as why couldn’t she talk to the kids with me ,is she a coward ? <BR>All this time my W has told me that there has been no affair going on and this is what she wanted a Divorce.<BR>On Thursday afternoon a spoke with my eldest son , He started to cry .Iasked him what was wrong, he said that this uncle*** came over for dinner on Wednesday evening and he had seen them getting intimate outside the house. This has devastated my Sons and now my W and Mother-in-law are <BR>Accusing me of putting things into my children’s heads. I feel so frustrated as I have never said anything about my W or Mother –in-law to the kids.<BR>At the moment my life feels so empty and feel so betrayed. What do I do ? Start a new life ? Give up hope that maybe my wife will come back , will I ever be able to forgive her for the pain that she has inflicted on My Children and Myself ?<P>

Greetings NoWill,<P>So sorry to see you here under these circumstances. There are several of us here who have been where you are. Spouse comes home and drops the bomb and we are left scrambling to piece together the why. <P>Your W has probably been emotionally divorcing you for a while now and she finally reached a point where she was ready to go. She has a new relationship and this uncle/friend has promised her the world. She has probably rewritten your entire marital history to help justify the A as well. There is not a thing you can say to her right now that will bring her back and begging her to stay will only push her further away. <P>My first words of advice <B>read read read</B>. Read everything on this site. Read Surviving An Affair by the Harleys, Private Lies by Pittman, Love Must be Tough by Dobson. These will help you understand what your wife is doing a little better. You won't get any straight answers from her as she lives in a fog right now and speaks only fogese. What you will come to understand is that all WS say almost the exact same things. Your W is experiencing nothing unique here.<P>At this point in time you need to be start worrying about you. Make sure that you take care of yourself and the kids. <P>As far as your W and MIL trying to put the blame on you for lying to the kids. Don't bite into it. Your wife needs you to become a real [censored] so she can feel less guilty and have reason to say "see why I had to dump this guy". Don't go there be the better person. Your kids know whats up and will see who the real adult is in this situation. <P>Your wife is an incredibly self-centered, self serving person right now so don't expect anything less. The only person you can change right now is you. <P>I want to stress that begging her and asking her why right now will only be seen as controlling by her. This will push her further away. Try try try to let her go. It will be the hardest thing you will have to do. Letting her go does not mean giving up on the marriage either. It means letting her go and fall to the bottom alone. Then and only then can the work to rebuild your marriage begin. Your current marriage is over and you need to focus on the future not the past. If she has filed, don't fight it. It is only some papers saying that legally you are not married.<P>Part of letting her go is to allow her to experience life on her own with the OM. What she will discover is that the wonderful fantasy life that she is experiencing is not all that wonderful. Right now she is "in love" with this OM and reality has been shifted for them. They are caught up in the moment. When the realities of life and the choices that she has made begin to sink in she may come around. If not you will have been working on yourself to become a stronger better person and you will be okay.<P>Remember, your wife has taken all the problems that led up to the A into her new relationship. She has not dealt with them. She has taken the easy way out by ignoring them because dealing with them is too much work. It is so much easier to just go find someone new who makes us forget about life for awhile. All this baggage will catch up with her and fast. She has not changed and all the stuff that caused this behavior with you will cause her to do the same in the new relationship.<P>You, otoh, have a wonderful chance to learn and grow from this devastating experience and be a much better person. Right now you are at an all time high for self reflection and your W is at an all time low. <P>There are lots of good people here with good advice. We can help you through as best we can and we are here 24/7.<P>Take Care.<P> <P>

Move back home. Tell her if she wants out she needs to leave. By you leaving you may lose custody of the kids.

<B>I can't add much to either of those ^^^, except total agreement!</B> Hopeless, that was about the best summation I have ever read! <B>Nice!</B> RWD, <B>same thing!</B><P>Well, isn't it going to be tough to explain 'Uncle' OM now?<P>I will say that the <I>less</I> you do now about how you feel morally with respect to the affair, the better it will be for all concerned. You will get the urge to 'bring some things to light', or say judgemental things about her, and him...Saty far away from that! One of the other <B>consistent</B> things about this is that these things happen anyway, and let them come from their <B>true source</B>. Realize that this <B>has</B> to hurt you some, your actions now, and in the near term, will determine ultimately how much you will be hurt by it. For example, you were hurt that your pictures are gone, and yet...you'd have been surprised if they had not been, wouldn't you? Yes, she has left, moved on...whatever. You do not have to take <B>everything</B> as a reminder of that. Its not easy, but you have to see it that way. It does get easier to do without being desensitized to it.<P>You are hurt, but your situation is by no means unique. Please do read as much as you can. Just read all of the time for a while. I was fortunate enough to have a neighbor who stopped me one day, and gave me 'Love Must Be Tough' audio tapes. Since then, we have become pretty close.<P>I'm sorry about what is going on in your life. I kept the house, and I can tell you that I am glad that I did! I might end up losing it in the end, but I'm here for now, and that helps a lot! God bless. -Mike

No will- sorry you had to come here. My marriage went clear to the edge of divorce due to my H's A with a coworker- he moved out then filed on me then ended up cancelling it. He was in fog land for months during this time. I would say to you you need to read the books mentioned in the first post to you and also Emily Browns' book Patterns of Infidelity and their Treatment- she goes into great depth about the types of affairs that your wife is in- you will gain lots of info from her excellent book.She is a researcher into infidelity and wrote this book for marriage counselors but you can order it online and I found it VERY helpful.I usually post in the general questions part of the infidelity message board- lots of helpful people there.The things that your W is telling you is VERY COMMON right now though it hurts you to the core I am sure- I've been there. Just because she is saying she wants out, isnt 'in love' with you,etc doesnt me its really true because right now her emotions are running wild and believe me she's not in her right mind. Think of her as 'temporarily insane' as my pastor recommended. Read read read and come here for advice- give your W space now and do for YOURSELF until you can figure out what exact type of A she is in . lifeismessy

Yes I echo all above, and I know it will be tough for you. But every time you feel like venting at her, do it here. It really helps.<P>lifeismessy....you replied to one of my posts and mentioned a split-self affair. I asked you what it was, but I guess you didn't see it...can you clarify?<P>Thanks, Nina

HoplessinAZ , RWD, waiting_for_her, lifeismessy and Nina too, Thank you for the honest and thoughtful feedback, I really appreciate it, it is nice to know that there are people out there that care .<P>RWD: Just to let you know that in My country the W will always get custody of the kids. The only way that a man can get custody is if the W is a substance abuser or physically abuses the kids. Other than that a M never gets custody.<P>To add to my FRUSTRATIONS<P>My wife phoned me and started to shout at me ,saying if I try and phone her work or try and turn the kids against her, as my oldest son will not speak with her, she would put an straining order against me.I don’t understand this , cant she see that my son is hurting because of what he saw.<P>This weekend Saturday afternoon I tried to phone my kids, My W picked up the phone and told me that the kids had gone to the shops and she would get them to phone me back. Sunday afternoon I had still not heard from my kids , eventually I phoned my Brother-in-law who lives 100 metres from were my kids stay .My eldest son had slept over at his house and has been spending most of his time there over the past week. Also my W and the other two kids did not sleep at home , I WONDER WHERE THEY SLEPT ::::::. It seems to me that my wife does not even care about my eldest son as he is against what she is doing. I have stated to my attorneys that there must be a clause in the Divorce agreement that states that my Children must go for Child counselling as I cannot and will not see my children been torn apart from my W BEHAVIOR. <P>The only thing I feel that will help me at this moment in time is if I turn my back on my W and start a new life for my Kids and myself even if I just see them every alternative weekend. I just feel that its not fair that through her decision I will miss out so many days with my children. She has lost a husband , I have lost my life.<BR>

Nina- I will try to briefly describe a split self affair as described by Emily Brown in her books.She also has a website where she describes this. It is when the cheater is underdeveloped emotionally and yet very rational/logical, and has high standards regarding their career/family life/everything looking right etc. They cling to the security of how things MUST be and dont deal with or express their emotions to their spouse.They are often high achievers and perfectionists. When the affair comes along it is passionate and re-awakens their dormant emotional self. They cling to it as it re-awakens their childhood longing. These cheaters were often taught to suppress or ignore their feelings in childhood and behave properly at all times. So when the A arrives they go BERSERKO- totally romantically hypnotized by their lover and waffle back and forth- the OP meets their long suppressed emotional cravings and their spouse meets their need for family life, image, doing things right etc.-this reflects the split within themself. So they waffle back and forth between them big time- using each of them as a buffer against the other one to avoid having to feel true intimacy with either. These affairs can often go on for years and years and have an extreme emotional attachment factor.Because they often want to leave their marriage it resembles an exit affair but really they need to develop the capacity to be truly intimate with one person and that occurs with therapy- not choosing the OP or the spouse.Recovery is difficult for the marriage because the spouses havent developed a solid emotional base between each other.Divorce probability is high without long term therapy. I hope this explanation makes sense.Let me know you read this explanation of the split self affair. lifeismessy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lifeismessy:<BR>I will try to briefly describe a split self affair as described by Emily Brown in her books.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oh, my. What you've described is my wife. "These cheaters were often taught to suppress or ignore their feelings in childhood and behave properly at all times" is exactly what my wife says her emotionally distant and sometimes physically abusive baby-sitter did to her from age 6 weeks to 6 years. I'm stability, family life, career support, but she says I'm not emotional enough- EA guy must be that other half. <P>I think I'd better go buy this book.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by dabigtrain (edited August 20, 2001).]

Yep, that's him too! Since he won't even consider therapy, I've lost a bit of hope!!!

Geeszsh, sounds all too familiar...<P>What is the website URL address? <P>Cheers!<P>PS - Nina, did you notice *no will to carry on* is also living in So Africa?<BR>