My WS, since D-day, has maintained that her and OM are just "friends" now because he ended everything physical with her because she betrayed him as well. She had told him she was divorced. He had called our house twice and I answered the phone. Afterward, he told her not to call him anymore because he did not trust her and wanted nothing to do with her. Both times she told him that I was just there to visit the kids. So he took her back. All this time I still did not know about the affair.<BR> One week after the second time he broke up with her a mutual friend of ours told me that indeed their was an affair going on. After I confronted her with what I was told, she absolutely denied it and told me that she wanted me to think there was an affair going on because she wanted to get my attention. The day after I confronted her, she called me at work, crying and telling me that she called her mother about the situation. She told me that her mother said that because I did not trust her and was trying to discover something that "wasn't there", she should leave me. Of course, I bit and ended up apologizing with her for thinking such a thing.<BR> One week later, D-day.<BR> After discovering her car at his house and knocking on his door in the early morning, he looked really shocked to see me and promptly kicked her out. He told her to never call him again. She called me at work about 5 times that day to make sure that I did nothing to hurt him. I basically told her that I would make sure that his career was over. She cried and pleaded and I relented.<BR> The next day, I went to his office just to see him and let him know that although he was lied to, he had to know it was completely over. He didn't even have the guts to come out of his office and see me. He immediately called my wife to tell her "I thought I told you this over! Your husband just came here looking for me." As soon as I got home she had already called and left a message for me. She got beligerent when I told her "I just wanted him to know it was over." She said "I already told you it was over. You know what, you are never going to see me again. I want you to know it is your fault that I'm going to kill myself today." Now, my wife has always had a flair for drama, she is really a hot-headed and impulsive person. But I took her incredibly seriously and promised not to say anything else to him. Later that day, she came home and said "that is it. Our marriage is over. She went to lawyers the next day, and, when she found out how much it would cost for a divorce, she decided that she just "needed her space for a little while."<BR> Fast forward two weeks later: She finally got the OM to talk to her again, but, according to her, nothing physical will ever happen again between them because he does not trust her. Supposedly, he even told her that I seem like a really good guy and she might be making a mistake in leaving me. According to her, she really values just having him to talk to. But this REALLY irks me!<BR> She started telling me every time that they would meet, she even has slept over at his house a couple of times. She swears that he would have nothing to do with her, she just slept on the couch. Now, I'm reaching the boiling point, but I am still trying to Plan A and it is kicking my a**.<BR> The other night was the final straw. I got home from work and she was talking to him on the phone. She didn't hang up or anything; she says she is being totally "honest" with me now, and besides, now she is doing nothing wrong. She told me that the next night they are going to dinner and a movie. I said "ok, that's fine" in my best fake Plan A mode. But inside, I was burning up. It took me about five hours to get to sleep that night and I decided I was gonna fry his a** the next day. He works for the State Department, I am in the Army, I was going to get him by sending an e-mail to my congressman, Sec. of State Colin Powell, and I was going to notify my commander of this situation.<BR> I told her about my plan and she started the suicide talk again. She even went so far as to say "you know what, I'm gonna do it right now." She went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife and put it to her throat. I had to fight her to get the knife out of her hand. She told me that she could not live with me anymore because I would get pleasure out of hurting an innocent man (OM). She says that he is so mature (in more ways than one, he is 20 years her elder) and she really needs him to talk to because he understands her more than I ever did. And she appreciates the fact that he wants nothing in return; just being her friend is good enough.<BR> The point is, I want this relationship to end. I want to call this guy or send him an e-mail to let him know we are not divorcing yet (which she has told him we are, because I told her I was going to a lawyer), and that I want to fix my marriage. But I am afraid he is going to just tell her about it or forward the e-mail to her e-mail address and she is going to do something crazy. HELP!

A good man,,,<BR> Have you ever went to counseling.. Even if she doesn't wanna go... As far as the suicidal threats. I work on an ambulance and I see so many of these.... As her legal Husband yet. Next time she pulls the suicidal threat gig I would have her examined at a hospital for suicidal idealations.. + she has a plan to do it.. You can never not take this seriously.... And if she is not serious about doing it and just doing it to get her way ((sounds like to me)) she will never do it again since you called her on it..<BR>It will detail a pysch evaluation.. And they just might make her get help..<P>Now you need to decide do wanna try to make this marriage work? Or do you wanna move on? This is all up to you.. Not her or what she says.. Look inside yourself..<P>As for the OM this is really not all his fault.. (sorry)<BR>Your wife lead him to believe something that is not true..<P>Sounds to me like she is burning herself from both ends..<P>Just my opinion<P>Wishing you well<BR>Janet

IMHO...<P>Take her threats very seriously. You win either way.<P>If she is serious, you may save her life. If she is just using the threat to manipulate you, you may bring it to a screeching halt.<P>My XW pulled the same crap whenever she felt threatened. (When I said I was going to call all of her friends and family to tell them what was going on. When I was getting custody of our daughter.)<P>One day, I took her very seriously. She ended a phone call to me saying she was going to commit suicide and was on her way to pick up our daughter. (kill herself and our daughter I thought) What else could I do? I flew to the preschool from work, calling the preschool and 911 on the way. She was closer to the preschool than me. She ended up showing up at the preschool, but not picking up our daughter (I'm sure the preschool employees asked her questions). I picked up our daughter and called her apartment. She answered, but ended the call. I flew to her apartment complex and talked to the manager. The manager went and checked on her.<P>End result? She has never again threatened suicide.<P>[This message has been edited by father of 1, husband of 0 (edited August 17, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by father of 1, husband of 0 (edited August 17, 2001).]