A few strange things have gone on lately. My husband has told me that he and his GF are not getting along too well. Seems that she does not like that he helps to support me financially. She does not like that he "helps me." Now, I do not ask him for anything. He willingly supports me and our children. There have been a few times recently that he has really lost his cool with me, but always calls to apologize. He "says" that he does not apologize to OW. He "says" that things between them are not what I think. He "says" that she doesn't want to really keep seeing him because of the attachment that he has with me. He and I never really fought, so I have a hard time thinking of him fighting with her. He does have a quick anger streak, but gets over things easily. He always says that there is another reason for his being cranky - "tired from working all the time, out too late, fighting with girlfriend etc..." He tells me that he does not want me to feel like a burden. He says that he is sorry for ruining my life. In case you don't know my story - separated for 14 months with no divorce filed for yet. He tells me he still cares for me, but does not want to be married. Even tells others that we are divorced, yet almost everyone knows we are not!! He sometimes has such tenderness in his voice - really keeps me off balance. I am doing a combination of plan A and plan B - if that is possible. Try not to LB when there is contact between us and I try to keep contact at a minimum. I know that he wants the best of both worlds - he wants both of us. He wants me as a friend and he wants her as a lover. He doesn't want to give either one of us up. He doesn't want to be a husband anymore. I am at a loss as to what to do. I cannot totally plan B because of children. Don't really want to do a total plan B and plan A seems so fake!! I don't know what any of you can say to me at this point. I just needed a place to spell out my feelings. Some days hurt so much and some days I think I will be just fine with my life like it is. Sorry for the ramble. Just one of those days!!<BR>Tina

Yeah, those days really stink, don't they! I know how you feel, Tina. You get weary of the struggle, and not knowing whether you Plan A this, or Plan B that...it takes a lot of mental and emotional energy. You would likely be shocked at how much your physiology has to do with how you feel. Be more consciouse of it, and maintain a healthy physical state...it helps enormously with the emotional side of the house.<P>BTW, I have been meaning to post to you, since we both have this sort of small town situation that is at the 'back' of all of this. I am working at the local convenience store...which I did not want to do right now at first. Now that I am in public so much, I sense that people accept me in this, and I feel more supported...exactly the opposite of what I had expected!<P>Hang in there, and really breathe on purpose, Tina...it will help you if you keep it up! Take care, and God bless you! -Mike

Thanks Mike!<P>Yes, the emotional and mental exhaustion is sometimes more than I can take. I try to remember that God does not give us more than we can stand! I guess these last few days have just been a little tougher. I try to remember that these feelings and emotions will eventually pass - just really stinks when these days come along!! Thanks for responding!! You are a true source of inspiration around here for everyone. I have read your post and you have really been through the ringer!! <P>I am glad to hear that your "small town situation" is better. Me? I do have a wonderful support system - but- my support system is HIS family. They love him more than he will ever know, but they support ME because they know that what he is doing is wrong. I feel so guilty about this. He is the one that now feels that he has no support system in this little town. So many people have gone to him and and are asking if he is sure this is what he wants. So far, his answer has always been yes!! I have tried to keep a low profile, as he is a high profile person around here. The truth is slowly being known by everyone, but the truth does not change things. I am left alone and he already has someone. All I can think about is losing my friend and husband. We will be married 19 yearas 9/17. We have been sep. for 14 months and my feelings for him still have not changed. When do I get relief from this pain? I am so tired of hurting. I am basically tired of living right now. No, I am not suicidal!! I am just tired of the stress and pain of this situation. I think right now the only reason he has not filed for divorce is because he cannot afford it. Pretty sad, don't you think? Yes, I am a little depressed right now, so sorry for the down tone! I am going to try to do something for myself tonight as he will have the kids for a couple of hours. Maybe I will get my wits about me and feel better.<P>Thanks,<BR>Tina

Tina,<BR> I went through something simmular to you as far as the GF thing. It became so painfull for me to sit and listen to HOW he dealt with their problems because I wished he had taken that much interest in OUR marriage. We were married for 9 years and together for 14. They were only together for 1.5 months befor I got a call. After 4 hours of us both crying, him because of her and me because of him, I told him I needed time. PLEASE don't call me again. Understand how painfull it is to sit and listen to you cry over someone other than me. He reminded me that WE were best friends, and I was the only one that he could really talk to. OK, he talked. I listened. Now it's been almost a year and we have just started talking again. Things have gotten so much better. I realize you have children together which doesn't allow you to do this, but if he needs to talk to you then tell him the things that hurt and why. Then maybe explain to him that your conversation should stay with the children. I PROMISE YOU, Once you start getting your life back and making it YOUR life and not OURS you will feel so much happier. Yes things have been hard on me. I'm disabled and on a fixed income, so him leaving really hurt. But I am in controll of my life and feel great. I feel sort of hypacritical trying to give marriage addvice when my own failed, but I truely feel your pain. Good luck on you plan A and B. Hope they work for you.<BR>Dar

Hi! I read your story and it sounds like your doing pretty good. my husband left only a few months ago and I was doing plan A and for me it was a disaster so I went to plan B- much better. I am still trying to get this down so I've stopped contact with him but I didn't send a letter. We have the children issue and it is difficult but in our case we have attorney's involved so I make him make the arrangements through the attorney. Ironically, I had asked him not to involve attorneys, I asked for mediation, I asked for anything but attorneys but sure enough he sicked an attorney on me. It was when I got my attorney and stopped talking to him that he changed his tune. Now that I'm not talking to him he says, "can't we just do this without lawyers?" He tells this to other people and even our son. I don't know what your situation is but if there are lawyers involved, make him go through them. If there is not, I would suggest setting up a schedule with the same days and times every week (if possible). That way you don't need to constantly talk to him. If you must talk to him, I would suggest to keep it brief and always be the one that says "I have to go" FIRST. Another tip, don't call him, let him call you. This will give you the upper hand. I will say that since I've stopped talking to my husband, emotionally I feel much better. And sometimes I even chuckle because it's nice to have him begging to talk to me when before he didn't want to talk.

BTW, if he is telling you that things between him and his GF are not good, keep up the good work. This may be your opportunity to provide for some of those emotional needs in plan A especially for the ones she (GF) can't fulfill. Read that over again and see what things you can give him without going overboard and without giving him his cake and eating it too. It's looks as if you have a good shot at this one.

Tina,<P>Being a redhead myself I know how hard it is to plan A. I don't think plan A is fake it is just being nice to him but it doesn't mean you have to take his crap. <P>I have been divorced now for 9 months. We seperated for the second time in two years last August after discovery of second affair. I went through literal hell with the first one and refused to do it again. <P>He to tried to have both worlds. He couldn't make a decision ect. I finally had to make it for him.<P>I do pretty much plan B right now. I really just don't want to talk to him right now and the kids are old enough to keep in contact with him themselves. We would have been married 17 years 3 weeks after the divorce was final.<BR>It's really hard to know actually what they can be thinking.<P>I'm sure if I had plan A'd longer we would still be married in paper anyway but sometimes a person just has to take control of the situation.<P>By the way H married OW 6 weeks after the divorce was final. I give it 2 years.<P>Jill