My husband left me a few months ago. For several weeks I tried to get him home but he refused. He wasn't very nice to me either so I finally got fed up with him and filed for divorce. At the same time I stopped talking to him. He calls all the time to speak to our son and constantly tells him that he wants to speak to me. I have spoke to him briefly a couple of times but he hasn't mentioned anything about getting back together but I never stay on very long either. I would really like to get him back but I don't know how. I don't think he has a steady girlfriend, at the moment, I don't know of any. He tells me that he doesn't love me anymore but I've been told by friends that he loves me very much but just doesn't know how to make it work. What should I do? I've tried being nice and telling him I love him and it didn't work. Should I forget about him? That's really hard to do. Do you know of any strategies that would work on him psychologically? Some people have told me to start dating to make him jealous. Tell me your advice. Thanks. <P>------------------<BR>Katie<p>[This message has been edited by Katie Carlson (edited August 19, 2001).]

Hi, Katie. I'm sorry that your marriage is in trouble, but either you are very naive, too proper to 'tell it like it is', or not in that much trouble.<P>Well, I suppose that someone that uses their actual name for a handle has little they feel that needs hiding, so you might be gullible, but I doubt that somehow.<P>It seems to me that you have not told the 'whole truth' here, perhaps there's something he did in the past...or you? Tell me some more.<P>BTW, don't take your friends' (well intentioned, but NOT SOUND) advice....would that feel right to you? If it doesn't feel right, it isn't right!<P>Okay...let's have some more details. -Mike

read the articles here and read about plan A and plan b perhaps schedule a session with the harleys. Start working at plan A

Hi Katie,<P>Would I be right in assuming you are very young? The suggestion from your friends to make him jealous sounds like they are youngish and inexperienced in this sort of thing. It's a bad thing to do...it will only drive more wedges between you and him, and that doesn't seem to be what you want to do.<P>Read everything you can on this site. It will really help you.<P>Mike is right, however, you need to tell us more if you want the best help for your situation. Don't worry, we have all been or are still in the same situation as you, so we won't tell!!!<P>Take care.<P>Mi

Hi! Yes, well the story is a little more. See what happened is that a couple of years ago, we moved away from friends and family into a secluded area...I liked it better where we used to live. Up untill about 9 or 10 months agos, my husband seemed happy with our relationship. He did complain that we didn't have relations enough but about a year ago I was hospitilized for a kidney infection and for sick for most of last summer. That effected our quality of life in many ways. I'm better now. In the meantime, he also started a chassis building business out of our house. I was very supportive in the beginning but I became negative when I saw him giving them away after we spent thousands to get the equipment to make them. It was also a hazard to the household as he was welding and grinding metal in the garage that was located underneath the bedrooms. The fumes, the noise and the metal shavings and splinters all over the house drove me crazy. Many people including lawyers and accountants advised us against this chassis building as it was a great liability risk and we didn't have the money to properly protect ourselves. Moreover, he was running this out of our residential neighborhood. The worst of it was that that wern't selling. No matter how bad things were he was insistant on continuing with these chassis. It became an obsession. He would be in the garage till 12 or 1 o'clock in the morning most nights. He worked all day, drove over an hour each way to work, then spent his nights and weekends working on chassis. He frequently complained if he had to do anything else besides his chassis' and complained that he had no time for himself. We were fighting over this and before Christmas he went to his mother complaining to her that I wasn't supportive of him. This is a whole other issue. His mother is one of those control freaks and is very manipulative. She would frequently come to visit without asking what times and days were good for me and then once she got there she would announce that she was staying. She would take over my kitichen and tie up my phone line as she would work her job out of her home. My husband always took her side if I complained about her. She lives in CA and would frequently say that it was her dream to get my H in CA. She also got mad that we didn't come out to visit. We tried a couple of times but right away she began making all the plans for so my H cancelled the trip. My H father and brother live out there too. My H had a lot of problems with them before we were married. And over the last 15 years, my H would frequently complain that they never took a trip back to NJ just to visit him, they always had a list of friends that came first. Even when they did visit after visiting all of the friends, the visit was short and always on their terms and time schedules. After my H told his mother that I wasn't supportive of him, she started working on him and telling him that I never let him see his family amoungst many other things. My H became very angry towards me. We went to marriage counseling but my H mother was so angry about it that she called before after and during the sessions to check up on my H and frequently gave him the third degree about working things out. At one point, H said that he should have never went to Mom with his problems. Nevertheless he left and now that he's gone he continues to say that I don't let him see his family and I don't like welding and blame me for all of his problems and he is not willing to work things out. He frequently calls my son to check up on what I'm doing but says he has no interest in reconciliation. He told me to get a boyfriend and move on with my life. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by waiting_for_her:<BR><B>Hi, Katie. I'm sorry that your marriage is in trouble, but either you are very naive, too proper to 'tell it like it is', or not in that much trouble.<P>Well, I suppose that someone that uses their actual name for a handle has little they feel that needs hiding, so you might be gullible, but I doubt that somehow.<P>It seems to me that you have not told the 'whole truth' here, perhaps there's something he did in the past...or you? Tell me some more.<P>BTW, don't take your friends' (well intentioned, but NOT SOUND) advice....would that feel right to you? If it doesn't feel right, it isn't right!<P>Okay...let's have some more details. -Mike</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>Katie

My inlaws were like that,<P>and until your H can stand up against his mother with your wishes, you will not have a good marriage. I finally did stand up against MIL&FIL who did very similar unannounced, what's for dinner stuff, that i threw them out of the house, sent them on their way, after X ran upstairs to our bedroom crying. But then she was conflicted about my actions, and supported me mostly, which was good, but that was years ago.<P>Second, jealousy is not a good basis for love, unless you are in 8th grade. in fact, it is a negative controlling action which will build further resentment.<P>finally, i think that you should have (I know its late) discussed options of other places to work, supporting his idea, but also allowing keeping the business monies separate from the house monies. the money separation would have forced that if he is supporting a losing operation out of your paycheck. can only do that for so long.<P>Right now, you need some counseling, and i think the Harleys would be a great place to start, by telephone, reasonable prices. that way you can put together a plan that you will find out whether he is reasonable or you are unreasonable.<P>good luck.<P>WIFTTy<P>

That's better, Katie...see you are getting good at this already! <P>Okay, the first thing that happens in this is that the issues get confused...here's why:<P>You started a business in your home (never mind what <B>you think</B>, you <B>both</B> started a business. Naturally, you will be cautioned against it. Yes, it is hazardous, and all of that, but...that's why people pay good money for them. I think it is a potential money maker, but you must give it time, make it fit into your life better in terms of the mess, and the way he feels about working all of the time. Katie, you H wants to provide for you, and he wants to do a good job at at. He will be very defensive about this, guaranteed! The issue is that he wants to do this, and you do not like the consequences. That is easily fixed...both of you need to be more tolerant. The main thing is that you both must agree to do it, or not, and honor that decision by not harboring any ill will about it. As far as 'giving them away', he'll do that at first...he's unsure, and the first sales are likely to be to friends who don't have money, either, and he wants to get sales going...Could you help him there? Maybe you could hold up the 'business' end of it...find out a little about this...how do people buy them? What sort of marketing effort is required? Subscribe to some trade journals for him...they're free, and he will appreciate you taking an interest, and helping the effort. Believe it or not, you will feel good about it, too!<P>The Mother thing, well that's another ball of wax...quite common. The Bible tells men point blank to 'leave their family', and to 'cleave unto' their wives. You are supposed to be the number one influence in his life. There are reasons on both sides of it why this is not happening. Yes, Katie, you contribute, she contributes, and he contributes. You are all right, and you are all wrong at the same time. He is in the middle, so, you need to speak with her. Make it clear that you also have <B>his</B> best interests at heart, and while the two of you may disagree on what that means, you reserve the right to do things the way you see fit. Tell her that you value her <B>advice</B>, but that you still have your own way of seeing things. You do not wish to argue, but she needs to take a step back. Summing up, he needs to realize that you are his wife, and he needs to let you influence him, even (especially) when he disagrees. His Mother needs to quit meddling so much, and let the two of you communicate, even if it is yelling! <B>you</B> need to <B>positively</B> assert your authority as his wife.<P>Katie, you post very politely, and seem somewhat reserved. When people get unnerved, and a little desperate, they use folks like you like a ladder, or stepping stone, but wait a minute...you have a point, I am sure, that you do not tolerate it anymore...am I right? The real danger <B>for you</B> in this is getting to that point, and staying there! Make your point known <B>clearly</B>, and if you get back an argument, realize one thing...when you upset someone else's apple cart, they will either thank you for opening their eyes, or get really defensive, and say/do things that <B>they do not mean</B>. Your H, and his Mother seem to me to be people who do not examine things beyond a = b. Life is an equality statement for those types of people. Things they are sure about are 'black and white', the things that they'd rather not take the time to evaluate fully are 'gray areas'. We have enough of that sort of automated thinking already, thank you very much. Watch yourself, here. Sometimes, you must make people think, but if you get angry yourself, they quit listening. Learn how to communicate with them better, and you will see profound changes happen almost immediately.<P>You are the stable force in this, remain so. Calm and cool wins the day.<P>I want to tell you some more about how things snowball. There is a term...meta-states...let me try to define it for you, bear with me, here...a state is a <B>simple</B> thing. You, for example, are angry (outwardly, perhaps) that your MIL is getting in the middle. That is a state, anger. So, you tend to look at it as you are angry about it, and rightly so. That filters your thoughts about her, and him to a very real extent. You feel that the answer is for her to 'butt out', and everything will be alright. That's not going to happen! Look a little deeper at your anger, Katie...it is a meta-state. A meta-state is a state about a state. I would guess that what is <B>really</B> happening here is that you are embarassed that she can influence him more than you...is this correct? If so, then the state that you need to deal with is actually embarassment, not anger. See, anger has a root...it is a weed that chokes all of the pretty flowers of your existence out. Never deal with anger directly, you will lose...you have a brain, find out why you are angry, and deal with <B>that</B>. Instead of arguing the particular point of the moment, <I>talk</I> to her sbout your role, and hers in this. Try this, ask her about <B>her</B> MIL, get her brain working a little...then agree with everything she says...if it was good for her, then say that you hope that it will be the same with the two of you...if it was bad, apologize for her pain, acknowledge it, and say , 'Thank God you and I don't have to go <B>there!</B>' She wants her concern validated...all you have to do really is that, and make a move closer to her. So, remember that you must do a lot of onion peeling here, and that will make you cry. Katie, if you are here, then you have to have enough everything for all of you. Your patience will be stretched, beaten, and left on the rodside for dead, because these are 'core issues'....I cannot stress enough the importance of <B>integration</B> in this. Break it down to the chassis, and fix the pieces, then assemble them properly. It takes time, but come here, and tell us how you are doing...we will gladly give our two cents worth, and you will have a lot of options then. God bless. -Mike

OH and BTW, what is plan A and Plan B??????????????????????<BR>Thanks<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by waiting_for_her:<BR><B>Hi, Katie. I'm sorry that your marriage is in trouble, but either you are very naive, too proper to 'tell it like it is', or not in that much trouble.<P>Well, I suppose that someone that uses their actual name for a handle has little they feel that needs hiding, so you might be gullible, but I doubt that somehow.<P>It seems to me that you have not told the 'whole truth' here, perhaps there's something he did in the past...or you? Tell me some more.<P>BTW, don't take your friends' (well intentioned, but NOT SOUND) advice....would that feel right to you? If it doesn't feel right, it isn't right!<P>Okay...let's have some more details. -Mike</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Katie,<BR> I'll tell you exactly what my friends and family said to me. MOVE ON. ONLY keep contact with him about the kids. That's really all needs to know about your life anyway. The reason he's asking to talk to you and find out things is because he doesn't want you with anyone else. He wants to be able to go out and live his life but have you waitting on the back burner when he wants you. Ask yourself how fair that is. Don't date to make him jealous. Date because you're ready to. Him NOT being able to know what you're doing and who you're doing it with will drive him more insane than anything you can think of. When he calls you up either crying because YOU have hurt HIM or screaming at you, then remind him that he doesn't love you anymore so there for what is his problem? IFFF you truely want him back, he'll come home when he feels the threat of really losing you and THEN things will be on your terms. If he's willing to get counseling and work on this together. PLEASE take my addvice on this one. DON'T go out and sleep with, or date someone else to make him jealous. I did the same thing in the beggining and then there were 3 of us hurtting.<BR>Dar

Hi Mike it's me again. I have to tell you more, there is more to this story. About a week before my husband left, he started a new job, one where he travels and is away most of the time. He is only home on weekends and sometimes every other weekend. So seeing him is very difficult. I read some pyschology books after he left and I found that there are three type of people, 1) visual 2) auditory and 3) feelings. I think my husband is a feelings person because he is always very hands on person. It also said in the book that the best way to get to a feelings person is to touch them. Ironicallly, since he has left, that's the thing he won't let me do is touch him. He says that I'll make him melt if I do. But in the next breath he says he doesn't love me anymore. Make sense of that. That's what I've been dealing with. Anyway, I read a psychology book that said to make him jealous by dating and even sleeping with another man. That's where I got that idea. The reason I thought it would be a good idea is because the being nice routine didn't work and neither did asking for him to come back. I told him I'd make changes but he said he is not interested no matter what - that's where I'm stuck. As far as the chassis - because of this new job, he wouldn't have time to build them if he wanted to because he is away all the time. I tried telling him that why not be with me because he would only have to put up with me on weekends anyway. No matter what I said was no. The whole thing is very strange because alot of the things he left over are all things he never gets to do anyway like quad riding and so on. I guess I did kinda hurt his pride and self esteem over the chassis thing and I tried to apologize but it didn't work. As far as the MIL, I tried talking to her after he left and she told me that he was to old for her to tell him what to do. I kind of suspect that she wants it this way. See, when we were still together she was coaching him to leave. She offered him a place to stay and after he left, she lent him money for the attorney. I did write her a letter as well telling her my side of the story and asked her not to let him read it but she sent it to him. At this point, I don't really know how she feels about it because if I try to talk to her about it, she gets off the phone right away or pretends she can't hear what I'm saying. I know he said that he was upset about the letter because he said that because of the letter, his whole family thinks he is irresponsible. I guess that was an opps on my part but I was really upset and we all do irrational things when we get that way. As far as anger, the thing that I am angry about at this point is the way he has left. He left many projects on the house unfinished and the house is unsalable because of it. He also has refused to send us any money at all and I've been a at-home mom per his request and now he immediately wants me to find a job to support the household. There are a lot of other things too but I am angry and hurt by the things he has said and done to me. Right now I'm not speaking to him at all because whenever I do, he says things to upset me. Also, he lies and doesn't stick to his agreements. I have found that in talking to him, I just get walked on and taken advantage of. Friends have told me that they cannot believe he is doing this and that he has gone off the deep end. Any more suggestions?? I'm clueless. Thanks.<BR>TE]Originally posted by waiting_for_her:<BR><B>That's better, Katie...see you are getting good at this already! <P>Okay, the first thing that happens in this is that the issues get confused...here's why:<P>You started a business in your home (never mind what you think</B>, you <B>both</B> started a business. Naturally, you will be cautioned against it. Yes, it is hazardous, and all of that, but...that's why people pay good money for them. I think it is a potential money maker, but you must give it time, make it fit into your life better in terms of the mess, and the way he feels about working all of the time. Katie, you H wants to provide for you, and he wants to do a good job at at. He will be very defensive about this, guaranteed! The issue is that he wants to do this, and you do not like the consequences. That is easily fixed...both of you need to be more tolerant. The main thing is that you both must agree to do it, or not, and honor that decision by not harboring any ill will about it. As far as 'giving them away', he'll do that at first...he's unsure, and the first sales are likely to be to friends who don't have money, either, and he wants to get sales going...Could you help him there? Maybe you could hold up the 'business' end of it...find out a little about this...how do people buy them? What sort of marketing effort is required? Subscribe to some trade journals for him...they're free, and he will appreciate you taking an interest, and helping the effort. Believe it or not, you will feel good about it, too!<P>The Mother thing, well that's another ball of wax...quite common. The Bible tells men point blank to 'leave their family', and to 'cleave unto' their wives. You are supposed to be the number one influence in his life. There are reasons on both sides of it why this is not happening. Yes, Katie, you contribute, she contributes, and he contributes. You are all right, and you are all wrong at the same time. He is in the middle, so, you need to speak with her. Make it clear that you also have <B>his</B> best interests at heart, and while the two of you may disagree on what that means, you reserve the right to do things the way you see fit. Tell her that you value her <B>advice</B>, but that you still have your own way of seeing things. You do not wish to argue, but she needs to take a step back. Summing up, he needs to realize that you are his wife, and he needs to let you influence him, even (especially) when he disagrees. His Mother needs to quit meddling so much, and let the two of you communicate, even if it is yelling! <B>you</B> need to <B>positively</B> assert your authority as his wife.<P>Katie, you post very politely, and seem somewhat reserved. When people get unnerved, and a little desperate, they use folks like you like a ladder, or stepping stone, but wait a minute...you have a point, I am sure, that you do not tolerate it anymore...am I right? The real danger <B>for you</B> in this is getting to that point, and staying there! Make your point known <B>clearly</B>, and if you get back an argument, realize one thing...when you upset someone else's apple cart, they will either thank you for opening their eyes, or get really defensive, and say/do things that <B>they do not mean</B>. Your H, and his Mother seem to me to be people who do not examine things beyond a = b. Life is an equality statement for those types of people. Things they are sure about are 'black and white', the things that they'd rather not take the time to evaluate fully are 'gray areas'. We have enough of that sort of automated thinking already, thank you very much. Watch yourself, here. Sometimes, you must make people think, but if you get angry yourself, they quit listening. Learn how to communicate with them better, and you will see profound changes happen almost immediately.<P>You are the stable force in this, remain so. Calm and cool wins the day.<P>I want to tell you some more about how things snowball. There is a term...meta-states...let me try to define it for you, bear with me, here...a state is a <B>simple</B> thing. You, for example, are angry (outwardly, perhaps) that your MIL is getting in the middle. That is a state, anger. So, you tend to look at it as you are angry about it, and rightly so. That filters your thoughts about her, and him to a very real extent. You feel that the answer is for her to 'butt out', and everything will be alright. That's not going to happen! Look a little deeper at your anger, Katie...it is a meta-state. A meta-state is a state about a state. I would guess that what is <B>really</B> happening here is that you are embarassed that she can influence him more than you...is this correct? If so, then the state that you need to deal with is actually embarassment, not anger. See, anger has a root...it is a weed that chokes all of the pretty flowers of your existence out. Never deal with anger directly, you will lose...you have a brain, find out why you are angry, and deal with <B>that</B>. Instead of arguing the particular point of the moment, <I>talk</I> to her sbout your role, and hers in this. Try this, ask her about <B>her</B> MIL, get her brain working a little...then agree with everything she says...if it was good for her, then say that you hope that it will be the same with the two of you...if it was bad, apologize for her pain, acknowledge it, and say , 'Thank God you and I don't have to go <B>there!</B>' She wants her concern validated...all you have to do really is that, and make a move closer to her. So, remember that you must do a lot of onion peeling here, and that will make you cry. Katie, if you are here, then you have to have enough everything for all of you. Your patience will be stretched, beaten, and left on the rodside for dead, because these are 'core issues'....I cannot stress enough the importance of <B>integration</B> in this. Break it down to the chassis, and fix the pieces, then assemble them properly. It takes time, but come here, and tell us how you are doing...we will gladly give our two cents worth, and you will have a lot of options then. God bless. -Mike[/QUOTE]<P>

You said your friends and family said to move on so how did things turn out for you???<BR>Tell me more about 3 of you hurting...<BR>Thanks.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hunny_Bear:<BR><B>Katie,<BR> I'll tell you exactly what my friends and family said to me. MOVE ON. ONLY keep contact with him about the kids. That's really all needs to know about your life anyway. The reason he's asking to talk to you and find out things is because he doesn't want you with anyone else. He wants to be able to go out and live his life but have you waitting on the back burner when he wants you. Ask yourself how fair that is. Don't date to make him jealous. Date because you're ready to. Him NOT being able to know what you're doing and who you're doing it with will drive him more insane than anything you can think of. When he calls you up either crying because YOU have hurt HIM or screaming at you, then remind him that he doesn't love you anymore so there for what is his problem? IFFF you truely want him back, he'll come home when he feels the threat of really losing you and THEN things will be on your terms. If he's willing to get counseling and work on this together. PLEASE take my addvice on this one. DON'T go out and sleep with, or date someone else to make him jealous. I did the same thing in the beggining and then there were 3 of us hurtting.<BR>Dar</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

What is plan A and plan B and what do you mean by schedule an session with the Harleys.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by jabber:<BR><B>read the articles here and read about plan A and plan b perhaps schedule a session with the harleys. Start working at plan A</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I am young but the suggestion to date other men actually came from a book written by a psychologist. He said that would make him come back. I know that before I married my husband, my boyfriend and I broke up and I didn't hear from him until he found out I was dating, then he wanted me back but I didn't want him back. Tell me what you think. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR><B>Hi Katie,<P>Would I be right in assuming you are very young? The suggestion from your friends to make him jealous sounds like they are youngish and inexperienced in this sort of thing. It's a bad thing to do...it will only drive more wedges between you and him, and that doesn't seem to be what you want to do.<P>Read everything you can on this site. It will really help you.<P>Mike is right, however, you need to tell us more if you want the best help for your situation. Don't worry, we have all been or are still in the same situation as you, so we won't tell!!!<P>Take care.<P>Mi</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Katie Carlson:<BR><B>I am young but the suggestion to date other men actually came from a book written by a psychologist. He said that would make him come back. I know that before I married my husband, my boyfriend and I broke up and I didn't hear from him until he found out I was dating, then he wanted me back but I didn't want him back. Tell me what you think. <P> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I have to tell you more, there is more to this story. About a week before my husband left, he started a new job, one where he travels and is away most of the time. He is only home on weekends and sometimes every other weekend. So seeing him is very difficult. I read some pyschology books after he left and I found that there are three type of people, 1) visual 2) auditory and 3) feelings. I think my husband is a feelings person because he is always very hands on person. It also said in the book that the best way to get to a feelings person is to touch them. Ironicallly, since he has left, that's the thing he won't let me do is touch him. He says that I'll make him melt if I do. But in the next breath he says he doesn't love me anymore. Make sense of that. That's what I've been dealing with. Anyway, I read a psychology book that said to make him jealous by dating and even sleeping with another man. That's where I got that idea. The reason I thought it would be a good idea is because the being nice routine didn't work and neither did asking for him to come back. I told him I'd make changes but he said he is not interested no matter what - that's where I'm stuck. As far as the chassis - because of this new job, he wouldn't have time to build them if he wanted to because he is away all the time. I tried telling him that why not be with me because he would only have to put up with me on weekends anyway. No matter what I said was no. The whole thing is very strange because alot of the things he left over are all things he never gets to do anyway like quad riding and so on. I guess I did kinda hurt his pride and self esteem over the chassis thing and I tried to apologize but it didn't work. As far as the MIL, I tried talking to her after he left and she told me that he was to old for her to tell him what to do. I kind of suspect that she wants it this way. See, when we were still together she was coaching him to leave. She offered him a place to stay and after he left, she lent him money for the attorney. I did write her a letter as well telling her my side of the story and asked her not to let him read it but she sent it to him. At this point, I don't really know how she feels about it because if I try to talk to her about it, she gets off the phone right away or pretends she can't hear what I'm saying. I know he said that he was upset about the letter because he said that because of the letter, his whole family thinks he is irresponsible. I guess that was an opps on my part but I was really upset and we all do irrational things when we get that way. As far as anger, the thing that I am angry about at this point is the way he has left. He left many projects on the house unfinished and the house is unsalable because of it. He also has refused to send us any money at all and I've been a at-home mom per his request and now he immediately wants me to find a job to support the household. There are a lot of other things too but I am angry and hurt by the things he has said and done to me. Right now I'm not speaking to him at all because whenever I do, he says things to upset me. Also, he lies and doesn't stick to his agreements. I have found that in talking to him, I just get walked on and taken advantage of. Friends have told me that they cannot believe he is doing this and that he has gone off the deep end. Any more suggestions?? I'm clueless. Thanks.<BR>TE]Originally posted by waiting_for_her:<P><BR>

Katie,<P>I see you need to know about Plan A and B. There is a forum on these, as well as links on the main site page here.<P>If you don't mind me asking, how young is young? And how long have you been married? Do you have kids?<P>Respectfully, I don't know who that psychologist is, but the advice about making him jealous, really. C'mon you KNOW that's high school stuff!!!! <P>What you need to do is make yourself and your home become a safe place to be...that's Plan A in a nutshell. READ the stuff...because it will improve YOU as a person and hopefully help to restore your relationship with him.<P>Now as for the MIL. I had a VERY manipulative MIL, she was okay with me until we moved in togethter before we were married. Right up to our first baby, she was the typical MIL all the comedians talk about....then something changed. I never knew what, but later she told me, and it may or may not be the case with yours. She was going through menopause while all that was going on, and she actually apologised for treating me so badly, and in our split now she is very supportive of me. But all through the rough stuff with her, I kept making the effort to talk to her, told her some personal stuff about my life and upbringing, really looked after her precious son (he has 3 sisters) and tried to show her I was a good person. And MAN, sometime it was hard to look her in the face!!! But it paid off. <P>As for your h, he sounds like he still has feelings for you, so reads, read, read here...because Plan A ha been known to bring the Ws's (wayward spouses) back home. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR><B>Katie,<P>I see you need to know about Plan A and B. There is a forum on these, as well as links on the main site page here.<P>If you don't mind me asking, how young is young? And how long have you been married? Do you have kids?<P>Respectfully, I don't know who that psychologist is, but the advice about making him jealous, really. C'mon you KNOW that's high school stuff!!!! <P>What you need to do is make yourself and your home become a safe place to be...that's Plan A in a nutshell. READ the stuff...because it will improve YOU as a person and hopefully help to restore your relationship with him.<P>Now as for the MIL. I had a VERY manipulative MIL, she was okay with me until we moved in togethter before we were married. Right up to our first baby, she was the typical MIL all the comedians talk about....then something changed. I never knew what, but later she told me, and it may or may not be the case with yours. She was going through menopause while all that was going on, and she actually apologised for treating me so badly, and in our split now she is very supportive of me. But all through the rough stuff with her, I kept making the effort to talk to her, told her some personal stuff about my life and upbringing, really looked after her precious son (he has 3 sisters) and tried to show her I was a good person. And MAN, sometime it was hard to look her in the face!!! But it paid off. <P>As for your h, he sounds like he still has feelings for you, so reads, read, read here...because Plan A ha been known to bring the Ws's (wayward spouses) back home. <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Is the plan A and Plan B available on this site or is it something I have to purchase - please let me know. <BR> I have to admit I feel kind of hopeless. For weeks I tried to get him back then I stopped talking to him completely and he kept trying to talk to me and then I finally told him that I didn't want anything to do with him. (not true). It's just that everytime I talk to him, he says things that hurt my feelings and he never says he wants to get back together, he only says there is no hope for reconcilliation. <BR>As far as the advice about making him jealous, check out the website below: <A HREF="http://www.stopyourdivorce.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.stopyourdivorce.com/</A> <BR>If you can tell me more about Plan A and Plan B. Thanks. Oh and do you think there is hope????? <P>

Go to the blue and red Marriage Builders home page. Select "Articles" from the menu, and under that there is an article called "What is Plan A abd B?". I'm not sure how to do links, so I couldn't do one for you.<P>It's totally free, you just read it, then ask us or the guys at the Plan A and B forum on how to refine it, when you need to. <P>You said you needed a plan of action, and this is it. You will find if you browse the site, and take the "Tour" listed on the home page menu, you will get a LOT of advice on what to do.<P>And may I respectfully say that you need it? None of US knew where we were going before we did all the reading, and even so, we still need to post and ask advice. But reading the aticles will give you great insight.<P>I hope I helped....and you never said how old you are or how long you were married or if you had kids...details like that can help us understand where you're coming from...<P>BTW, I had already looked at that site you but I didn't buy the book. Did you? Out of curiosity, what ARE those three sentences????<P>Nina

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR><B>Go to the blue and red Marriage Builders home page. Select "Articles" from the menu, and under that there is an article called "What is Plan A abd B?". I'm not sure how to do links, so I couldn't do one for you.<P>It's totally free, you just read it, then ask us or the guys at the Plan A and B forum on how to refine it, when you need to. <P>You said you needed a plan of action, and this is it. You will find if you browse the site, and take the "Tour" listed on the home page menu, you will get a LOT of advice on what to do.<P>And may I respectfully say that you need it? None of US knew where we were going before we did all the reading, and even so, we still need to post and ask advice. But reading the aticles will give you great insight.<P>I hope I helped....and you never said how old you are or how long you were married or if you had kids...details like that can help us understand where you're coming from...<P>BTW, I had already looked at that site you but I didn't buy the book. Did you? Out of curiosity, what ARE those three sentences????<P>Nina</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi Nina:<P>I'm not sure I know what your talking about the three sentences but the book talks about mainly not doing the things that people are so inclined to do such as getting other people (such as friends) to talk to your spouse and they tell you not to try to get them back that it only pushes them farther away. It also tells you to agree with everything. I called and consulted with the psychologist and in my case since my husband has been so irrational, I can't agree with him on everything because he is not thinking clearly right now. So it's pretty good. So far nothing seems to have worked but I haven't tried making him jealous. My mother-in-law told me to move on so maybe I will just do that and see what happens. But I will read over plan A and B. Keep in touch. Thanks for your imput.

Katie,<P>You will find that all of the WS's here don't seem rational or "themselves", they are in what we call a fog. I'll give you an eg: My h was the world's best dad....loves his kids, and still does I know. But in six weeks he has seen them a total of four hours a week and called them 3 times. This is NOT the man I know.<P>The Plan A stuff is what you need. DO read it because it will give you a focus....you seem to not know where to go or what to do...at least Plan A will help you to do that. BTW, you have been doing some of the Plan B stuff without knowing it. It is too soon for that...read and you'll see.<P>BTW I asked about the three things to say to your spouse because it mentions it on the home page of that book. Have a look, it's got an example there. - And WHERE are those details I asked for !!! <P>Jacky<P>

BTW Katie, <P>I think it's best you change your user name (handle). You never know WHO is reading this site. Go to "Profiles" on any forum page and you can edit, but make sure you let US know what your new name is!!!