Hi everyone,<P>I've been reading your posts and find them very familiar and interesting. I'm hoping you might have some advice for my situation, or at least, sympathy.<P>I'm 26, my hubby's 28 and we've been married just a little over 1 1/2 years with a beautiful 14 month-old daughter.<P>The problems basically started when we got married. My husband just lost interest in sex. He said it had nothing to do with me, it just seemed like it was more work than it was worth.<P>At first, the reasons he gave were the pressures of a new baby, new job, finding a house, new responsibilities, etc. I was very understanding, I think, because I can understand how that might do that to a person.<P>But we've adjusted to all of that, and matters still haven't improved. I am a very sexual person, and I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. I'm finding that I'm resenting him for everything he's putting me through, and now we're fighting about everything (and I usually start it!)<P>Before I took it as a personal rejection, and turned to food to console myself, so I gained a ton of weight, and am dealing with that too.<P>What's a gal to do?

Emmie,<P>I would go for counseling ASAP! Would be great if your husband went also. If he refuses, you go for yourself. Make sure that you are going to someone recommended to you, and also see someone who you are<BR>comfortable talking to..............Good luck!

hey, emmiebear i am in the same boat as you. i have been married foe 1.5 years like you my husaband also is losing interest in sex. we donot have any kids. i feel rejected because i feel emotional and sexual compatability go together.i have learned to accept this, it hurts that we used to be so passionate. dharla gave me the same advice that see a counselor. i'm 26 and he is 27 yrs.best of luck. keep in touch.

I was interested when I read your post. Do you have affection with your husband? Do you have touches, hugs, and kisses throughout the day or evening? Some men who are under pressure do not have a big desire to have sex, but there should be that constant affection going back and forth. Try losing some of your weight and feeling better about yourself and then maybe you could plan some romantic evening and be the leader and see if you can get your husbnad interested. Many times a husband will be too tired but he won't refuse his wife's desires.

My husband is pretty affectionate, I'll give him that. However, it's come to the point where I've been rejected so many times, and it hurts so much, that frankly, I don't want him to hug or kiss me. I know this sounds mean, but I usually just brush him aside - it's become an almost automatic response.<P>The funny thing is, even though I still desire sex, I'm finding that I don't want it with him anymore because the few times we do it, it seems like such an obligation to him, and it's "wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am". Yet, I love him and could never have an affair. So it's a real Catch-22.<P>As for the weight, I don't really have any health problems, and when I was skinny he still didn't want me, so I figure, food is the one thing that won't let me down. Does this make any sense?<P>Anyway, thanks to all of you for your responses.

I'm sorry to hear this sort of thing happening to others, but it is reassuring to us in frustratingly low sex marriages that it is not uncommon. I can surely sympathize with the need to beg for sex. It is degrading and painful. Sex is a basic need of mine, and when it is denied it feels about the same as starving and having food denied. I don't go to work everyday because I love to do it and feel "turned on" by work. I am still pleasant about work and don't complain (often) about it to my W. And never make her feel guilty about my having to go to work. Why cann't W have sex with me when she is not "turned on" and just do it for the satisfaction of giving me pleasure. I think sometimes it is an issue of selfishness. Not caring about my needs. <BR>I never bargained for limited sex. It was not that way at first.

Speaking of selfishness, aren't you being selfish for wanting your W to "please you" at the expense of her own wants, needs and desires? To me, your wanting her to go ahead and have sex even if she doesn't want to kind of says this. It also would just result in your W's increased resentment towards you. If she has a low desire for you sexually, there's probably a reason. If I were you, I'd spend my time trying to find out what that reason is with your wife, instead of allowing resentments to build up on both sides. How is your communication? Sex is a form of expression and communication, and is usually one of the first indications that something is wrong somewhere else.<P>No, you didn't "bargain" for a low sex marriage, but you did "bargain" for a life long committment for better or worse. Right now you are going through some of the bad times and rather than make it really "worst" I'd get some counseling ASAP and start being honest with your W about how much this is bothering you and affecting you. If you don't, matter will only get worse. Good luck!

To Lark:<P>I agree with your above post that his wife should definitely not have sex with him just out of a sense of duty or solely for his pleasure, but I can understand where he's coming from, and I'm not sure that it's selfishness, but rather frustration.<P>I also felt like RichLife did, that if my hubby truly loved me, he'd have sex with me, just for my pleasure. Now I realize that's not the way to go about it, and now I don't want it unless he's wholeheartedly into it (which is never).<P>Also, you talked about communication being important. It is. However, my husband and I have been in great communication ever since this "problem" started, and nothing has helped. We've talked about it, tried to find solutions, argued about it for the last two years and nothing has changed. My husband says he just doesn't desire sex any more: and he doesn't know why.<P>So in a case like that, what's left to communicate? Counseling doesn't help. And nothing I do can bring it back. So, all I'm saying is, I see your point, but unless your in that situation, you can never really know...

Emmie,<P>Why won't counseling help? Have you already been through counseling? What about sex therapy? I wouldn't leaveany stones unturned. You are sitting in a very good position in that you still have hope in fixing this problem BEFORE one of you cheats. Preventing that should be your number one priority. If you need any motivation, mozy on over to the infidelity forum and read through the posts. It will really have an impact.<P>Rather than either of you feeling like sex is a tug-a-war, why not you and your H agreeing to setting aside ONE "date" night per week where you must both agree to give each other your undivided attention? Make that night very romantic, where no kids are around (preferably), and the two of you can enjoy a quiet evening at home with a candlelight dinner, or go to a secluded, romantic restaurant and have oysters ! Return home, and give each other full body massages with warm oil and aromatherapy candles burning. In other words, make it an adventure.<P>Quality far outweighs quantity. If you could both commit to just this one day, you may be surprised that it will get the ball rolling. But both of you must agree to it up front. Even sign a contract with each other. It has to be a priority and not taken lightly. If you or your H breaks the contract, then it is all there on paper. <P>Try this, it might just work! Good luck!

I am a junior member so bear with me. First of all I know where you are coming from. When my H and I first started dating it was like we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. Then after a while it was like Oh, I have a back ache or I have a headache. Some b.s. excuse. Well, I married the guy. This went on for about a year and a half. I just got so tired of perusing him and getting rejected. I acted like I was not even interested. After my daughter was born it was like BINGO, he couldn't get enough. Funny huh! I kept doing the same thing acting not interested, and it made him want it more. Now!!!!! I am acting interested and guess what? He has a headache! Go figure. I can't figure these guys out, can you? Have you tried acting like you couldn't care less? Maybe a little reversed physcology? Hey, maybe it will work? Anyway, I hope it does all work out with you. We all have something to work out. It is definately a work, work thing, Marriage!!!!Bye

To Lark and Marilyn,<P>Thank you both for your suggestions. Lark, my husband and I go on a "date" every week, we've been doing this since we were married, and it hasn't helped our love life one bit. I've tried everything to get him interested: massages (he falls asleep), romantic dinners, romantic walks, lingerie, losing weight, gaining weight, changing hairstyles, wearing makeup, not wearing makeup, nothing works.<P>And Marilyn, I did try acting uninterested and it worked a little bit, but not much. I tried bugging him about it, leaving him alone about it, getting mad about it, getting even, and staying completely calm. None of these tactics worked.<P>The funny thing about it all is now, even though I still want sex, I'm finding I'm not any longer really interested in having it with him. Nor could I ever cheat. So I guess it'll have to be fantasy sex from now on!!<P>Oh well.

Yes indeedy, Emmibear. This is definitely a topic that affects many couples! I sure wish I had the answers (darn!), but maybe I can share a little insight.<P>We also know the responsibilities and stress of work, family and other things affects us. We're tired. Our schedules don't coincide, like they did when we were dating. It's VERY frustrating!<P>Then there's the stress of both obtaining total pleasure out of the experience when we DO find time to make love. Our emotions are constantly changing--esp. for women sometimes it just takes more time than others, and our poor men are all pooped out, fear they cannot "finish the job" for/with us, and it creates feelings of inadequacy. Men don't like to feel inadequate (neither do women, for that matter). I know for a fact it's very important to my H that I experience total fulfillment from our interludes...and it's rare, but for whatever reason, my body just doesn't cooperate as quickly as his energy level can maintain. We've discussed his feelings (I'm so glad when he's able to share!)--there are many times when he WOULD make love more often but if he's tired he fears I will be disappointed and in deference to my feelings (oh, don't stop, arrghhh) he would just rather cuddle and sleep than me get all stimulated and I feel resentful afterwards. It's actually very sweet when I think about it. We work opposite schedules, imagine our sleep cycle problems! <P>Sometimes he will get an idea in his head and that's that. I guess I do too...but not to digress, when he does that, for example, he decided that I respond better when oral sex is included (to him it became a requirement--he's a very factual person, male trait). I didn't know he was worrying about that. And sometimes he simply wasn't in the mood to include that due to tiredness, a neck crick, stuffy nose...you get my drift. Anyway, good communication cleared that up, when he understood my feelings that NOTHING is a "requirement" during sex except a sharing of good feelings between us. It's perked him up quite a bit.<P>I'm very passionate so it's difficult for me to relate to women who sluff off their H's advances. In the mating game of the man who seems to turn away from the woman's advances after marriage, I believe Marilyn's suggestion of utilizing a bit of that reverse psychology is great. Think back about how you related to each other while dating. Chances are the man courted you and usually felt he was "chasing" you in order to win you. And he did, by marriage. But now it's changed...the woman is as much the aggressor, and the man's psyche suffers...HE wants to be the aggressor yet not put as much courtship junk into the effort because he's already won her! Ta-da, done! It's weird, I know. For the woman who seems less interested in sex after marriage, maybe she was offering sex in the beginning in order to GET what she wanted (marriage, security) and now she doesn't have to try so hard. Ta-da, I got him, done! Equally as weird. We're all weird, lol. A BTW, women suffer from tiredness as much as men. We've all got so much to do and wind up putting something so important, physical pleasure that heightens ALL our senses and feelings stemming into emotional and spiritual reward, at dead LAST on the list. Shame on us.<P>As with any relationship problem, good sex can be figured out with good communication skills and negotiation. It may take a lot of time. I personally think it's worth it and will keep trying. Reading books and watching tapes is always, ALWAYS worth a try. I'm a firm advocate of counseling, anything that gets us thinking and considering everything. I don't think we can learn enough, about anything...being as informed as possible is a partial path to wisdom. Experience is another teacher. And in the advice of Dr. Harley, "never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your partner" is a wonderful thing for which to strive.<P>Re-reading, ugh, I sound so cheerleadery today. Must be a good day. Ignore whatever sounds dorky.<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Lucks--<P>Thanks so much for your reply and your insightfulness. I really appreciated it.<P>However, I've tried for so long and so hard that I think now I've just basically given up on having any kind of a normal sexual relationship with my husband ever again. It's just not worth it. And if he ever regains his, I'm afraid mine isn't going to be alive and kicking -- IF he ever regains it. I'm just fed up with it all. It's easier not to try.<P>Anyway, thanks for your advice and encouragement. It's so nice to know that someone understands.

Some great responses that I've read with much interest since I've recently experienced the same thing with my H. I just want to mention that in our case it turns out that he was using other ways to satisfy himself. I am young and very attractive, so it had nothing to do with me. He doesn't have much self-esteem, so I think he was feeling incompetent in our marriage and didn't want to screw up in the sex department too. He was tucking me in bed at night with a kiss on the cheek and slinking off to the computer or tv for pornography. I even remember waking up one morning to him masturbating in bed next to me, only to have him deny it. I begged him to have sex with me. He wasn't interested because he was already satisfied. It escalated and now I'm trying to sort out if it was just internet affairs or also physical affair(s). It's exremely demeaning!!<P>Try whatever you can to deal with this now. What kind of need does your H have for sex? Does he truly not have much of a need? I hope you can resolve this in a mutually satisfying (literally) way.<P>Lizbeth

Emmiebear,<BR>I am living in the same bedroom as you, except, I am the one who has lost the interest in sex. My husband says it is hurting our marriage, but is not interested in the why's! I know woman loose interest for different reasons then men do, but maybe it I tell you why I have no desire it may be ablel to shed some light.<BR>First it was the birth of our two sons. Yes, we had them in pairs. I was tired all the time, felt like I had no time for me, just being a maid, cook, nanny, taxi and so on. You get the idea. Well, as time went on, I found out it had nothing to do with those reasons. The reason is I do not find my husband sexually attractive anymore, or do I think I am as appealing as the before children birth weight. I can not get geared up to have sex with him anymore so when I have to perform for him, it is painful. I view sex like vacuuming, sometimes you have to do it. My husband has not kissed me on the lips for five years. boys are 7 now. What I am trying to tell you is,, get help or talk to your husband before it is too late. my marriage is over, not on paper but in reality. I have a new man in my life. I know not the right thing to do, but he is kind and he loves me. And......guess what......his wife and he have not had sex for a year.....that is how we started talking, he was looking for advice on why his wife did not want to have sex with him anymore. Well, we fell in love and the sex is great. Love is the key to sex. intimacy is the key to sex. kissing is wonderful, and some of the most initimate moments we have, have nothing to do with sex. Sex is the follow-up from sharing your soul with someone. Find your husbands soul.....and you will find him in your bed.

Emmiebear-<P>I avoid sex w/ my H. I have been reading posts here for months and this seems to be a common problem. I love my husband. I want to want to have sex with him, but I don't. It's not him. I don't want to have sex at all, with anyone. <P>I found a book that has helped me immensely. It's called "Sexual Anerexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred". The issues and problems discussed in this book describe me exactly. I realized my aversion to sex is like a disease. It's not about any one situation or any one problem. I avoid sex at all costs and have developed behavior to make sex unattainable in my marriage. <P>I don't know if this book can help you and your H, but I know I've been looking for help for a long time and this book is great. <P>Don't loose heart. <P>Take good care,<P>Myra

I no longer have the desire to have sex with my husband, so my situation is opposite. We too are a young couple...I'm 27 he's 34 and we've only been married for 2 years. I just recently had an affair and found the sex with him amazing. It's not that the affair made me not want to have sex with my husband...I felt this way before. Basically, I no longer found my husband attractive. He has let his personal appearance slip, while I feel that I take care of myself. He has gained a lot of weight and has some bad habits (chewing tabacco). I try to believe that the reason I'm no longer attracted to my husband physically is because we don't have the strong emotional connection we used to and if I had the emotional connection the sex would come easy. Things like weight shouldn't matter when you're truly in love...at least that's what they say.<BR>Even when we do have sex, it's just an act and I can't even bring myself to kiss him. I've tried things like videos, etc. but even when watching them it may turn me on, but it's not that I want my husband.<BR>I don't want to live my life like this...I'm young with desires, but I want to desire my husband! I just recently read an article about a woman who was divored and remarried a man that she was extremely sexually attracted to. She said she knows it will work now because she knows the attraction will never fade and other problems that may arise can be worked out. Does she have a good point? What are we to do?

Hey All.<BR>I have read all the reponses, and it looks like we all are in the same boat.<P>My wife started to withhold sex from me several years ago, and yes, it caused alot of hurt and pain. The rejection is unbearable.<P>I have since found out(from other posts on here) that she may be having an affair that I have been blind to. Also, alot of you here have responded to my Posts,and I have read your profiles and know a bit about you (providing you disclosed it)<P>Emmie keep your chin up, do what feels right for you, be it losing weight(I too gained alot of weight)Trying to rekindle the flame, or whatever, the biggest thing is, make yourself happy(inside) then branch out and make others happy.( I am using this same philosophy)<P>all we can do is comment on what we see here,it is your discretion to use those comments, as you can.<P>Most of all Never, ever give up on what you believe in...<P>------------------<BR>GH0ST(gh0stw0lf@thespark.com)<P>

Don't know how this got posted twice!...lol <p>[This message has been edited by Tryintosurvive (edited August 11, 1999).]

Thank you all so very much for all your responses and words of support and encouragement.<P>From reading your posts, especially "inloveonline"'s, it hit me like a ton of bricks that perhaps my husband really doesn't find me sexually attractive anymore.<P>However, when this whole mess started, I was about 70 pounds thinner and looked more or less the same as I did when we were dating. But we had just had a baby, and I know the stress of that couldn't have helped his sex drive. Anyway, my husband always claimed it wasn't a personal rejection and that he still found me attractive, but I'm beginning to wonder if deep down he doesn't, and doesn't want to admit it to himself.<P>The thing that struck me the most with your posts is that several of you mentioned that kissing (or at least, passionate kissing) no longer existed in your marriages. That's exactly what's happened here, and it was the first thing to go before the deterioration of our sex life. Other than pecks on the lips, my husband can't seem to bring himself to kiss me, even on those rare occasions while making love.<P>We're still great friends, and I'm sure will always remain that way, but there's no emotional connection there anymore. Although we know each other, I no longer know his "soul", if you know what I mean, nor does he know mine.<P>I'm just looking for a way to get it back. I really miss that wonderful closeness we once had.<P>Anyway, thanks again everyone. You've given me a great many insights just by telling me your stories.<P>Emmie