My husband left me and for several weeks, I tried plan A. But it wasn't working. So now I am not speaking to him. Besides no contact, what else do I need to do? Should I send him a letter?<P>A little history so you can better help. He left because he was angry about a hobby that was supposed to be a business. He got so angry about it that everything that went wrong in his life became my fault. He reasoning became irrational. He is also very mommified and his mother is extremely manipulative. He says that I am to blame for not getting to see his dad and brother when the fact of the matter is that they never made much effort to see him and he had problems with them before we ever met but somehow I got the blame of it. Now his reasons for not coming back is that he wants to be able to make his own decisons without talking things over with me. In other words, he wants everything his own way, he's not willing to comprimise on anything. He is still like this now. I have gained some respect from him by not talking to him but I need some more tips on plan B. <BR>Thanks.

I am sure there are others that know much more about plan be than i do. It sounds to me that there might be more going on than just being angry over a bussiness / hobby. you take care of yourelf and to not let him manipulate you, be your own person and live your life it is the only one you have<P>

Is he having an affair at this time that you know if?<P>Do not do Plan B at this time. It is far too early for that.<P>You need to Plan A. Read it and ask questions.<P>Plan B is VERY serious. It is not to manipulate your spouse to come back. It is to preserve the love you have for him WHEN it is much too painful for you to handle his ongoing affair.<P>Plan A is to show your spouse you love them. It is also for you to gain insight into yourself & to learn how your behaviors were not beneficial to the marriage.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Katie, now I told you how easy it is to talk yourself into what you feel is Plan B, over A. Now, hear me again please: Plan A is not always attractive to you. That is your Taker talking, and Plan B can't be managed properly by a Taker controlled person, you wind up going to 'where' to WAS is, and you can't both occupy that spot, and hope to reconcile. The no-contact thing can be helpful...it keeps the LBs down. I'm not sure that I'd make it the number one priority, necessarliy...but generally speaking...you should show him that it is safe for him there (Plan A). This is your life, and you don't have to be rigid in <B>anything</B>, you need not base everything you say, do, or feel on a plan of any description other than one that you are comfortable with. I like Plan A and B because they put some order into an otherwise chaotic situation, and they give me some information to enter into the 'mix'. Its like emotional algebra, once you have a known quantity, then you can set about the process of solving the equation. That is perhaps a better metaphor than the last one I gave you! I do not wish to reduce it too much, however...it just helps to realize that there is some logic to the process. (It helps me, anyway.)<P>I think that the most important thing next to finishing those projects, and making the home safe for him, is to make sure that you demonstrate how you can change the meaning of your communication, like I said last time. These three are vital, all the rest either stems from one of those, or is a side issue, and not worth consideration above and beyond those three.<P>So what are you doing, and what do you hope to achieve over the next week? He will be gone (remember, that is an <B>advantage to you now</B>) so what project have you chosen to complete? What plans do you have about the house, maybe a new thing about you...let's hear what you have to say. Keep in mind that you will get a lot more out of this place if you share those things, too. At the very worst, you will get to hear someone else's results with some of the stuff that you are considering right now. This is one of the most important advantages that coming here offers you. I would feel remiss if I did not point that out to you. Yes, for what it is worth, I failed to save my marriage. I have learned a great deal in that process, and it cost me almost everything I had; I'm still paying for it. I feel a need to get some return on my investment with respect to that, so if I can help keep you out of the quicksand, my ROI goes through the roof! -Mike

To answer Chris' question, I don't think he is having an affair. <p>[This message has been edited by Katie Carlson (edited August 20, 2001).]

Mike, as far as the projects they are very all major projects that are very expensive and being that I've been an at-home mom and he hasn't been giving me any money - it's a problem. I am open to suggestion. My lawyer wants me to file a motion so I can get money from him which is not going to make him very happy and it seems like this action would not be very plan A. I am looking for work but even if I get a job, it's not nearly enough to pay my bills. I will tell you that even though I didn't come to this site till very recently, I was doing a lot of the things in plan A and I was losing big time. He was moving further and further away. Now that I'm not talking to him, he's making every excuse to talk to me. Then I went as far as telling him that I didn't want anything to do with him. I don't know if he believes that or not (probably not). But if I turn right around and immediately start plan A, I'll look wishy washy and I'm afraid he won't take me seriously if I need to go back to plan B. What should I do? Thanks. <BR>Bye

There is a world of difference between Plan A and the pursuit that you describe. The same is true for Plan B, and being distant. It is a common error to take the two (not so good) rails that we tend to bang, and call them Plan A and B. If he is not giving you money to live on, then you need to fix that...without consideration to whether or not it follows Plan A or B. That is a practical matter.<P>What you say is true, I am sure, but it is also the excuse used not to do a thing. Find one that you can do yourself for little, or no money. Tell me about them...gim'me a list, and we will pick one out to do. I will help. I know a little about these things, and so do others. I'm not going to let you off that easily. This is important!<P>You are talking yourself into a corner, here...Plan B, or bust..and not trying the things I suggested. That's okay, really but, like I said, I have the illusion that these things will help. If you want validation for that which you have already decided to do, then I regret that I cannot condone you simply cutting off all contact, and trying to make him jealous. I think you will be disappointed with the results. Anyway, I've got to go to work. Have a good day, Katie! -Mike

Mike,<BR>Okay the projects - we have an unfinished family room, an unfinished deck, and an unfinished concrete patio. We also have a hole in the wall - a big one, carpets need to be seemed better and windows need to be pulled out and resealed. We have landscaping work that needs to be done too. BTW, you never told me what happened with you and your wife. Talk to you later.

Katie,<P>Those projects will definitely get your mind out off of all this, but how about something smaller & easier to do?<P>Crafts, paint a room, clean the garage, learn to paint. These don’t cost much at all.<P>As Mike said, “speaking...you should show him that it is safe for him there (Plan A).“<P>This is the key to Plan A. It is usually not easy to do when you are getting nothing from him. Your taker wants SOMETHING and you have to hold it back for a time.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I think a big part of the problem here is that Plan A simply doesn't seem possible under the current circumstances. Yeah, it would be nice to re-establish a foundation for the relationship with Plan A, but the opportunity just isn't there, especially since there are some serious financial issues that need to get resolved.<P>So, why don't we take a step back and remind ourselves of what Plan A and Plan B are <I>for</I>.<P>You follow Plan A for at least three purposes. First, you use it to develop character and the skills needed to make any relationship work. Second, you use it to provide a foundation for future self-assurance that you did everything possible to make your relationship work. And third, you use it to remind your spouse of what he or she is giving up by abandoning the marriage.<P>You follow Plan B for at least two reasons. First, you use it to protect yourself from the poisonous influence of your spouse's behavior toward you, once your emotional immune system is too compromised to handle it any more. And second, you use it to confront your spouse with the consequences of his or her actions.<P>I don't believe that these two Plans are mutually exclusive, or at least not entirely so. Many people, particularly those with children, do not have the option of a pure Plan B. In those cases, I think the appropriate course of action is to <I>minimize</I> contact, but to exemplify dignity and love and respect in those situations where contact cannot be avoided.<P>Similarly, you do not have the option of a pure Plan A when your spouse has left <I>you</I>, and when communication has broken down so completely that <I>anything</I> and <I>everything</I> you say and do is interpreted in a negative way.<P>It seems to me that a rather promising course of action is suggested in the another thread:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Katie Carlson:<BR><B>One of the letters also states that my husband lawyer is recommending family counseling or mediation regarding the parenting time issue. Being the allegations that have been made and being that my son is a 13 year old and anti-mom, do you think the family counseling could work in my favor for getting hubby back or work against me in divorce court???? Presently, my husband has no intentions of getting back together and had previously refused marriage counseling.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Katie, if you really want to save your marriage, then it is hard for me to imagine a situation in which family counseling would work against you. At least, assuming the counselor is any good (which unfortunately is not necessarily a valid assumption). A good counselor should be able to see through the games being played and recognize who is really making a sincere effort.<P>Katie, your husband has refused marriage counseling, but if his own lawyer is suggesting family counseling and you eagerly go along with that idea, your husband may find himself in an interesting spot. If <I>you</I> are cooperative with the counseling and demonstrate a genuine willingness to do what's best for your family, and if <I>you</I> show that you are willing to take on whatever responsibilities you are realistically able to handle, your husband is going to end up embarrassing himself. While that's not exactly a desirable goal in and of itself, it <I>could</I> lead to your husband doing a little bit of thinking. And even if it doesn't, it could still force him to face some of the consequences for his actions.<P>Your position is that fruitful communication is essentially impossible without the help of a third-party interpreter. I don't believe it is inconsistent for you to refuse direct contact while simultaneously embracing any opportunities for third-party assistance. And you are far better off putting yourself in a situation where a neutral party can form his or her own opinion and hopefully speak on your behalf, rather than allowing your husband's calumny to go unanswered.<P>At least, that's the way I see it.<BR>

GnomeDePlume...Yes, I think I will try this family counseling. But I have a few dilemmas. First of all, it was H lawyer not hubby who suggested this so H may have a different opinion. Second, the lawyer recommends family counseling OR mediation which if I know H, he'll want to stay clear of family counseling and go for mediation. Third, even if I do get him to go to the family counseling, he'll probably come up with contingentcies that it has to deal with divorce issues and not (god forbid) "getting back together". Finally, how do I get H to use my counselor which is currently a Catholic priest (another god forbid for H right now). His mindset is very stubborn. Any ideas of how to approach these issues???? Thanks.