so answer my hiroshima post!!!

Sorry, I actually took it prisoner for a while...workd too good, I'm afraid...

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Mike,<P>You've done such a great job of inspiring Jacky to be strong, sexy and pulling out the greatness in her.<P>Do you have anything left for me? I am so sorry that I begged for your help, you offered a plan and I ran for cover. Well more like hid in the covers but the same result basically.<P>I have been thinking really hard about the things you said in your last post to me and unfortunately I still can't answer the questions you gave me for homework. I don't know what I expect from my H that no one else can provide. I suppose I'm greiving for the loss of the future I had planned. Then again, I realize that I'm SOOOO guilty of disrespectful judgements, I don't know how to think anymore.<P>I have spent the last week trying to figure out ways to make my H WANT to try again. Why can't I just get it? HE DOES NOT WANT ME. HE DOES NOT LOVE ME. HE DOESN'T CARE.<P>I feel very trapped. I bounced a check this week because I thought he was depositing into my account. He didn't bother to tell me for 3 weeks that he went back to using his old account. I've had to cut the grass myself for 3 weeks now and before you pull out your violin and start playing, I will admit that I'm very negative and feeling sorry for myself. I know you have said you don't have time for negative things so I understand if you don't want to get dragged into this mess.<P>NEW ATTITUDE! Ok, I'm shaking it off. It just sucks.<P>I want to just go on but I'm stuck so deep in my current situation. I can't sell the house and move, I can't afford to keep it or keep it up. I've really tried. I made a good effort and it did bring me some joy. It also brought me to the reality that grass grows back, weeds are stronger than mulch and tree limbs mulitply by at least 4 times when cut off of trees.<P>I do not have the strength to do all these things. I know God says all things are possible but I beleive He gives us the right to just say no sometimes.<P>Everything was dumped to me. All the bills, all the housework, homework, ball games, etc. I want to develop a plan that will allow me to regain some control, limit the things that are spreading me so thin and forget about my SOB of a H that is doing just fine living with OW with no kid responsibilities, no mortgage, car payment, boat payment, 2nd mortgage, etc. OOps, did I say my attitude changed. Well I guess I lied. And I used to say I only wanted to deal with the truth.<P>I don't want to do unrepairable damage to my chances for reconciliation but THE TRUTH is that I have been left in a very bad situation to try to continue a good Plan A.<P>I've read and read people's stories and it seems that most of the time the H is still acting like a man. You will never know the respect I have for you because you have every right IMHO to tell your ExW to go **** herself. You have given and given to her and your boys even when you didn't have it to give. It shows so much integrity. I wish I felt the same way for my H. I thought I would love him forever, but quite honestly my love bank is seriously lacking. He took kids to school everyday this week but hasn't been seen or heard from since Fri morning. <P>You and everyone else has said don't worry about him. Get on with your life and work on yourself. Well it's really hard to do that when I'm stuck trying to do everything myself. I guess the grass thing shouldn't bug me so much but the first 4 months he was gone, he cut it at least once a week. It showed me that he even though he may be running out on me, he still recognized he had some responsibilities. Well, now he does nothing. I really don't want him to take kids to school. He just comes in and gets them off track and it takes twice as long to get them ready. I've thought about just leaving as soon as he gets here but that may be seen as rude or a LB. He thinks he can give me that sisterly hug and all is well. <P>I just can't win. I am sorry I'm such a pity party. If I felt I could change it I would. The only way to do this is to form a written legal financial agreement with my H. This of course would probably just be the beginning of the end. At this point, my H's behavior does not earn my respect, love or admiration. Why should I even try? Why not just write him off and move on without him? Easier said than done. <P>I feel quite a bit like you, Mike, when you said you have invested your life into your family. I feel that I have sacrificed all my desires to do things for myself because all my time, energy, money, blood sweat and tears has been poured into making a good life for my H and family.<P>The kicker is that the one thing I do for myself, comes back to kick me in the butt and ultimately break my marriage up. About 3 years ago, I headed up the search for a new claims processing system, y2k stuff was outdating old one. A co-worker and I were the implementation team and we were basically in control of the project. Given free reign and it felt so good. We had to travel about 7 weeks that year and were gone every other week for 2 months for training. I was so excited about this project. It brought me to life and gave me a purpose. It introduced me to new places and new people and the co-worker and I became best friends. In fact her H and mine got along great so we even took trips to Atlanta games and the beach. Due to all the work we put in, my company is stronger and set for growth in the future. I was so proud. The was no time during all this that my H said he didn't approve. He said he understood that it would help me in the future. He never missed one hour of work because of my traveling. His mom kept the kids during the day and fixed their supper and bathed kids at night. My mom came to our home and spent the nights on nights H had to work. I was never gone on weekends. I spent a fortune buying gifts and stuff.<P>Well now my husband now says, this is what caused us to drift apart. Prior to this, I always enjoyed my work but I focused on my family life more than work life. I didn't really become a work-a-holic because I actually spent a good bit of my time making up for being gone. I overcompensated by doing special things. I just realized today that all these things I did were probably seen as disrespectful judgements since I didn't give him choice. I just said, mom's watching the kids, we are going to the movies or I bought steaks for Friday. I can't believe how <BR>stupid and blind I've been. <P>Today was really an enlightening day. I can't answer your questions with answers. Quite frankly I've been trying to force MY reality on my H and my fog just lifted. <P>How many MB's does it take to get it through my head?? I'm not sure but I think I have it now.<P>So, what to do from here. Financially I'm sunk. My bills exceed my income by at least $800 bucks a month. There is nothing I can get rid of to help except the 2 acre pasture but that is in my H and my name. <P>Again, I'm sorry to lay this all out here in such a negative way. I'm lower than low and I can't even use the "womanly wiles"(sp) trick to seduce my H. In SC it stills helps to have the adultry proof in court. If he decides to give our marriage a chance, I have to make sure he is sincere and not just playing me. That really sucks too. I'm supposed to meet all his needs but doing so may cost me. Then again what do I care. As long as he can't get 1/2 my profit sharing from work, the rest isn't worth more than what we owe. <P>Blah, blah, blah, this isn't getting me anywhere and I'm sure it is severely depressing for anyone reading it. I've said before that conversation is one of my most important needs and this is my only outlet at this time. <P>Lynn <P>

Hey Lynn,<P>I feel for you.....(((((((((((Lynn)))))))))))))<P>The womanly wiles thing....I am not doing it to get him into bed. I just wanted to knock a brick off his wall. I will not sleep with him unless he comes home again, and believe me, that will be hard to resist if we ever get that close. But I'm gonna stick to it....another thing he wouldn't expect. I'll answer your other post later, I have to go out now.<P>Take care.<P>Jacky

No, it is all too familiar to me, Lynn...that sounds a lot like one of my 'stream of consciousness' rants that I get into now. and again. Used to do it <B>every day</B>, several times! It was/is a religion, and an addiction, too. Depression and misery are drugs, like cocaine, or alcohol. The thing about <B>my misery</B>, Lynn...is its <B>my misery</B>. No one else can have it, and I can do whatever I want to with it. Like I said, that usually takes the form of pulling it out, and 'wearing it', and holding it, examining it from all angles, and basically making it mine. It will consume you if you let it, but be strong, and don't get too attached to it.<P>I never expected you to be able to answer those questions right away, but you ought to try to this week. There is a lot to be said for the Socratic method, if you can only think of the right questions to ask! I try to win that battle by asking myself many, many questions!<P>You seem to be struggling with the question am I living my values with integrity? That's a tough call, but the two things that stood out in your post (to me) seemed to point to self-esteem, and sense of failure. Did I not get your point? I stand accused, among other things, of not being reliable, or dependable. I can see Teri's point. I'm frequently late, sometimes miss obligations, never hurry, refuse to set my clocks to a time other than my best guess at the correct one, don't speed, run red lights, tailgate, do ablutions while driving, blah-blah-blah. Generally, I do not display a proper sense of urgency to some people. I really suppose that I am type A, if you want to pigeon-hole me, but I know the flaws of that mindset, and try to avoid them. I try, but...I just can't be too close to anal, or OC...guess its the ADD talking, who knows? My point is, however, that that is annoying behavior to her. I counter by saying that I still do much more than most, and I do at least a workman-like job on everything I do...I don't half-a$$ anything. I'm not overly concerned that I don't complete everything on time, or at all...I'd be more concerned if I <B>did</B>. I can still get a child-like fascination out of the most mundane things, and that is due, in no small measure to the fact that I refuse to beat myself up for what I do not do. I chose to celebrate what I <B>am</B> able to accomplish. You have accomplished much this summer with the lanscaping...I too, took on a lot...Teri has flower beds, and the strawberries are actually hers, too. Well, Lynn...I will confess...I call the main flower bed my Thoreau bed, because I just let it go...very good variety of hardy to zone -1 Midwest weed stock in there, it looks BAD. My neighbors are always lanscaping, and driving that BIG John Deere green and yellow machine...they must be furious with me! I do have the coolest mailbox post on the block, maybe in the whole town...I am going to cry when the snow plow takes it out, or a teenager (OMIGOD, not Aaron!) I made it myself with hand tools only, and it is <I>nice</I>. Okay, now I've thrown out my back, patting it so much! <P>Sometimes you just run out of steam, Lynn...I know. Eat more fruit, it helps to have plenty of glucose available for your brain. Breathing very purposefully also helps. You can use your physiology to help with your emotions. I keep saying that lately, because it is true. Last week, I was not eating well, and it really threatened to take my mental state with it; I could feel myself wanting a shell! The newness of work helped a lot with that. Now, I am eating better, so although my reality has not changed drastically, I feel better equipped to deal with things, and not go off on a rant. Disrupted sleep patterns also take their toll. Make sure to keep your cycles straight. All of them. Stress threatens that, and it helps to give it some extra attention.<P>I was in charge of our Y2K program, and was also developing the operating system, and application for an embedded system at my company in that same time frame. Y2K is a perfect metaphor for what I was talking about before. The issues were all known, the solutions well thought out, and to me it was more of a test, modify, test process. Well, you never would've thought that listening to everyone else. OMIGOSH, Y2K became somewhat of a nightmare to me because of all the hub-bub, not the programming issues! I can understand from your post how successfully guiding that process to a positive outcome really served to give you a sense of pride in yourself. That is excellent! The trouble that it still causes you now, is that your H is making you feel as though that was all bad. Nice job, let's rewrite the past, and screw up a core belief! Don't go there, Lynn! Do you see what I am saying here? You did a good thing, you had it all going on, or so you thought ('Lynn, you are really working this thing here. You're a good wife and mother, and work is going great. Life's a bowl of cherries!')...now he says that's not the way it was, and you buy into that assessment, lock, stock and barrel, in just under 5 seconds. Hmmmmm. Please forgive my poor memory, is this friend of yours the same one that he later grew to resent you spending time with? Okay, he has a core belief, or goal threatened by this...something is missing here. Explain the whole work thing to me again...does he work there, too? What have your respective wages done over the relationship? (Breadwinner type stuff is what I am looking for here.)<P>Your identity, and self-esteem are at stake here, Lynn. Please take steps to protect those, they are important. No one can take away your thoughts, or feelings, and you must feel good about who you are. I feel good about who you are. Sam does, too. I am certain that we aren't the only two who do...God bless. -Mike<P>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited August 20, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited August 20, 2001).]

Mike states <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I was not eating well, and it really threatened to take my mental state with it; I could feel myself wanting a shell! The newness of work helped a lot with that. Now, I am eating better, so although my reality has not changed drastically, I feel better equipped to deal with things, and not go off on a rant. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I suppose now you're going to tell us about the hidden nutritional value of donuts! Maybe that was what was poor about your diet last week...<P>Anyway, did you check out the murale Mike?<P>------------------<BR><I>The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerable</I> ~ Henri Nouwen

I had a similar thought about the donuts!!! Mike, are THEY better than your diet before, or is it the pizzas??? <P>Seriously for Lynn, Mike is right about the diet thing, but who can eat real food right now??? I had a doctor's appointment today and she was telling me about the importance of regular meals, yeah, yeah, yeah....but O know she's right. In the meantime she has given me a vitamin supplenet...I'll be rattling when I walk soon with all these pills.<P>Ovrcs, I haven't got around to emailing to you yet because my email is totally down. I managed to kill it all by myself! Trying to be clever so my h wouldn't know where I've been on the sites, and read my emails from well meaning friends. So I'll get it fixed somehow and do it then.<P>

Donuts have a power that those of you who do not make them cannot possibly understand! I am sworn to secrecy on threat of death, but let me just say that there is nothing that donuts cannot do! -Mike

BTW, I am such an easy mark...I honestly don't know how I do it sometimes! Today was busy at work...Teri comes in and starts talking about whem we will exchange the kids, etc. My boss is watching me try to work at the same time, etc. Arrrggghh! I handled the kitchenat lunch pretty well by myself. Then, the girl who is supposed to relieve the cashier calls in, and says she has no babysitter...no manager available, the cashier says "WTF am I supposed to do...I'm not staying." Great, all I did was answer the phone (I was an hour over my scheduled shift already...tomorrow is the first day of school, and I'm not trained on that confounded cash register...you know its soo complicated...much more so than a 12 million dollar passive sonar system!) Okay, so guess how this one ends? This is a real kick in the teeth! I have her kids here now...I only met this lady two days ago, and her kids are 7 and 4! Can you believe that she actually trusted me to watch them? BTW, they have some serious issues, that much is evident in the 90 minutes that I have known them! Hey, can I buy some swamp land from you? Please? Can I go snipe hunting with you? Please? -Mike<P>P.S. They are cute, but obviously have no father figure in their lives...and the four year old have too many scars for my liking,,,like five stitches on her forehead, and the scar is very prominent...poor thing!

Mike,<BR>You are such a good father figure. Which catalog can I order one like you out of. Is it cod or credit or what?<BR>Do they make more like you or what?<BR>Like always wishing everyone well<BR>Janet

I was thinking the same thing. Too bad you live so far away. I'd send my H by to play too. I KNOW you could teach him a thing or 2. Have fun tonight! Are they girls, BTW? If so, is it really weird or what? My ex best friend had 3 boys 7,9, and 11 and I never understood how she lived in a totally "male" world. Yes, she was the one my H was jealous of because we talked on phone at night. Never went out or anything unless husbands went too, ie. trips I previously mentioned. He wanted me to have a friend just not one that I liked better than him. Oh Well!<P>You must be a saint. I'm a peoplepleaser but even I draw the line at babysitting. At least she knows the kid is accident prone, just in case he/she slips on your nice coffeetable. See I do my history too! <P>Take care and thanks for being so special. Lynn <P>

Just keep going to the factory reject, scratch and dent, and distributor overstock sales, you're bound to find something in one of those piles <P>The 7 year old is a boy, and the younger one (4) is a (clumsy, I pray) girl. It was nice to spend time with her, yes I have always not so secretly wanted a girl! My nieces haven't been out in over a month, and I miss their company. She was very polite, and helpful. We made some peanut butter cookies, she got a big kick out of that, although it was hard to let him, and Sam play...they were like oil, and water...he has some play issues, and Sam, too...plus tomorrow IS A SCHOOL DAY. She insisted on eating dinner out on the deck with me, although I was trying to escape because my sister called, and it was all a bit much for me! She was a perfect Elmira with the cats, they were very tolerant of her, however. I got a little worried when she wanted to take a bath, it kind of hit me (again, I'm not <B>that</B> naive!) that I was in potentially dangerous territory myself (actually turns out to be a minefield, I think), but I gave her one anyway...I've nothing to hide, or worry about. Even my XW will back me there, no fog is that thick. She liked the peach shampoo, and wasn't at all like my kids when it came time to rinse...she just asked for a cup, and did most of it herself...not bad, I thought. I could not get them to settle down, my house is not much help...my roommates had company, the dog was hyper, Elizabeth folloew the cats to the basement, Logan and Sam were into everything, and about 50 other leaks were springing up at the same time...man, where's that damned Calgon when a girl needs it? Oh, BTW...she tells me that she got a new swim suit....pink top and bottom....I said, that's nice...she said, yeah...so people won't see my boobs, and my butt. I thought about asking her mother about that one, but you know trusting someone with the LIVES OF YOUR CHILDREN is much easier that explaining that comment from a 4 year old! <P>About that...I'm not sure at all if I'm delusional, or what this {?} is all about. She came to pick them up...all seemed about as normal as possible...whatever that means, but when she was leaving she said...see you at work...I said, okay...she said..I work Wednesday....(I don't)....turned, turned back, and said...they're training me in the kitchen, and smiled...turned, and left. Okay, I have missed the meaning of that completely...hold on, let me admit that my mind is absolute oatmeal today, and the other night she was tlaking...stream of consciousness work talk, and some of it was a little above and beyond what my interest in it was. For example, she ays, I'm really tired. I said, late night? She said...yes, I drank beer...I don;t usually drink...but I got three piercings. I'm seeing hoops in her ears, nothing visible on her tongue (like I <B>even</B> looked there!), or in her nose, and I am just hypnotized by this <B>odd</B> number...she says, two in my chest region...and now my head cocks to one side, like a dog that just heard a harmonica for the first (or 1000th) time, and she says...oh, the other is in my navel. Then she proceeds to tell me way too much information about how sick she got. Where's my sledgehammer? My head just quit hurting. Mike's confused. Mike's frightened...but mostly, Mike's confused! <P>Lynn, I forgot to tell you a secret weapon of the poor...quit paying all unsecured bills in favor of the secured ones. Debt counseling won't get you $800 better a month, despite what DiTech says, unless you want to mortgage that property...the unsecured creditors will harass you for a while, but then they will offer you a deal...finally, unless its several thousand dollars, they will charge it off. It ain't pretty, but it works...unfortunately. Charge offs aren't the best in your credit report, but at some point, that does not matter a whole lot...credit is always repairable...for a fee, of course! I'll tell you that when they call, they will always make you reverify everything, and ask you what happened. I tell them EVERYTHING IN DETAIL...I have LBed worse to telemarketers thatn anyone else. I told J.C. Penney that Teri Blake does not exist. They were a little shocked since they gave a non-existent person a $3,000 credit limit, and it is maxed out! (BTW, I have 4 cards...total debt=$2,000...hmmm)<P>...and you know that I always 'ease the edges' on my furniture for <I>that very reason!</I> I have only had one big scare in 26 years of babysitting, and that was Sam riding his John Deere tractor down my basement stairs! I am a bit of a mother hen around little kids, and that girl had no fear of anything...I thought she was going to reformat my hard drive...she just sat down, and said, I know how. These two know divide, and conquer, let me tell you, but I know a few maneuvers, too!<P>I just really like kids a lot. They are just as much a pain to me as they are to anybody else, but it doesn't seem to bother me too much. I think that Aaron's crying rattled my brain, or something! Actually, the truth is that my sister had fraternal twins, and I graduated, and was there for about a year, helping her...they were preemies, and required near constant feeding, and attention. My Mother's inability to be much help made it easier for me to do it. I guess that is when I figured out that all a baby wants is all of your time, and all of your attention....really only two things! Teri used to actually whine at them, and that hurt me to hear. I understood her frustration, but could not understand her inability to be selfless...I mean, she used to talk about sacrifice all the time. Whatever, it goes in the box with Mom's attitude, I suppose. That irritates me though...I know that she must say that I was distant emotionally, and never helped her...that's just not true, however.<P>Oh well, that is enough ranting....like I said, its all the more confusing to me, I'm not sure if I can read these signals anymore, and I am not even attracted to this woman at all (tell me again about the projectile vomit....), although now I get to worry about her kids, too! -Mike<BR>