I intended to only let Mike(W-F-H) know that I didn't have an answer to the questions he posed to me but I ended up in my typical fashion pouring my current pain out in a much longer than anticipated post. <P>Please read my post under Nina Too's "Mike, I know you're out there" thread. I would like to know if anyone else ever felt or feels the way I do. Why are weekends so darn hard? <P>Thanks for your support. <P>Lynn

I'll write here later Lynn, gotta go out now.

I'll write here later Lynn, gotta go out now.

{{{{{Lynn}}}}}...the weekends are hard for <I>many, many reasons!</I>. Mostly because this place can be a ghost town on the weekends, and that is when you want immediate support...take some measure of solace from the fact that I have no life, either, so I am never more than a few hours away most of the time! I replied in Jacky's 'Mike, I know you're there' thread. -Mike

Hi Lynn,<P>Weekends are also bad because that is probably when you saw the most of your h, because most of your married friends have their h's home, so they're busy, and the kids always seem to be more of a handful then, too. That's my opinion anyway.<P>The trick is to try and keep busy, like you have been doing, give yourself some time to appreciate your efforts in the garden, and any other accomplishments you have.<P>I try to get out of the house at least some of the time on the weekends. I take the kids to the park, or out for lunch, movie.....anything, because weekends really bring out that boxed in feeling for me.<P>It's hard to be the only one your kids are depending on ALL the time. I am the same as you...it really gets to me IF I LET IT. And the other thing was that he never even asked about them until yesterday. <P>So let's play the glad game (Pollyanna used to do this - see the good in any situation). <P>You know, there is a kind of freedom that comes with being sole caretaker, as I have discovered. I have had to make some decisions already regarding the kids without his input...and it was a little liberating that I had the freedom to choose all by myself....not great, I wouldn't like this forever, but it was an interesting thing.<P>Here's another: I feel much closer to my kids; of course they're relying on me for all their needs right now, but that has really brought out a better love between us all. My eldest daughter and I have always clashed, and she was daddy's girl all her life...now she is approaching me with love and sweetness instead...I used to think that D was 90% great for him, and 10% great for me. So anything that will help her and I, even this bad situation, has got to be good.<P>When I hit the bad times last week someone said to me, the only way I can go now is up. Sounds trite, but probably truth in that. I know you get sick of always trying to be strong, and holding it all together...and that's when you should come here and get a few pats on the back.<P>Here's one for you...I have been reading how you've done all that heavy gardening work, and I've done some before, so I know how draining it is, but also rewarding. But all the time I was reading I was thinking....HOW can PP do that? Where is she getting the will-power to just DO something? I couldn't be bothered doing anything, and still can't, lucky for me I have the maid....but wow girl, you have a LOT more strength than you give yourself credit for. <P>LET your garden become your obsession for a while, it's a meaningful task with a definite end result of giving you pleasure. There is something so sweet about the smell of the soil...and all that fresh air is good for your soul. You're out there in the world, the birds are singing, the sun is shining down, anyone who sees what you're doing will be thinking about how strong your character is. Because you're not just sitting inside staring at a wall.<P>Take heart, Lynn, and vent here any time you like, it's what we all do and it's good to know someone will listen!!!<P>Jacky

Bumping this up with a bit of an update.<P>Well, doubling my Celexa at night has definately helped with the crying spells. Unfortunately it has also removed so much of my "weepy" side that I feel like a ticked off ***** now. I woke up furious. <P>H comes in this AM after not one word since Friday AM complaining about having a bad cold and being sick.... Poor thing ..... (like I didn't miss 2 days work last week, go to the doctor and still managed to get kids everywhere they needed to be, with lunch money)<P>Anyway, he asked if my sinus infection was any better and if I had the same burning feeling in my sinuses he was having. I promptly, without batting an eye, said, "Well, between cutting 3 acres of grass, doing 7 days of laundry, cleaning house, paying bills and trying to keep two fighting screaming kids out of my @$$ all weekend, I really didn't have time to think whether my sinuses hurt or not."<P>Guess that will be the last question he asks for a while. <BR>I think it's time for some action or Plan B for sure now because I can feel the anger taking over. Since he isn't doing anything to replace the love units he is steadily draining, it is getting easier and easier to put my "love" aside and harder and harder not to LB. <P>I saw him at ballgame tonight (BTW lost in last inning to the Inman Braves! kinda hard to pull against them anyway, I'm a sucker for a guy in a Braves jersey,even if they are only 4 yrs old )<P>Sorry, back on task.... He sits really close and leans on me the whole game. It's 90 degrees today but I managed to not say anything.(Thank you Right Guard, that's not the kind of aromatherapy Mike was suggesting ) After the game he says let's go to Mcdonalds and get some ice cream and the kids can play a little while. After we eat, he reaches out and holds my hand. What is this all about??? Probably just trying to improve my mood from this AM but I'm falling for it. I asked him if he had been thinking about us or just living in the fog. He said he has been sick and basically has stayed "drunk" on Nyquil. <P>I asked how much more time he needed to decide if he was willing to even try to work on things. I got the ol' "I don't know, Hun" answer and proceeded to tell him that I needed an answer soon. I wasn't expecting a miracle and I knew this would be difficult but I could no longer stay stagnant. I either had to move forward with or without him. I explained that I realized from reading lots of stuff that I was very guilty of disrespectful judgements and that I had learned alot about the things I did that contributed to the demise of our marriage. <P>I explained that we either needed to do things that would deposit love units or at least make sure we deposit more than is withdrawn. I also explained that him taking kids to school for 5 days then not even calling on the weekend was definately a negative transaction. <P>I asked him if he realized how unfair what he was asking me to do really was. He said he did. <P>I explained that long distance relationships just don't work. Unless we spent time together there was simply no way his feelings of love for me would return or that my feelings of love for him could be maintained. I think this make an impact but I'm not sure. <P>I also told him that for the first time ever since the I'm not happy speech, I made it all the way through "Without You" by the Dixie Chicks without sheading a tear. This was a major accomplishment for me. I of course told him that I figured it just meant my heart was hardening and I really didn't want that to happen yet. <P>We parted on good terms, got my traditional sister hug but he did squeeze a bit tighter tonight. Who knows? I've thought I got through before just to be smacked down by the truth that he is too self-centered to see the truth. I apologized to him for trying to force my reality and my wishes upon him. I used the example of the Dr visit I made for him. I had no business making that appt. He never wanted to go, in fact he said he didn't intend to go. I just did it anyway because I wanted him to go. Classic MB example of LB. Whew! I didn't even see it that way before.<P>We will just have to see what tomorrow brings. I'm trying not to expect anything or at least expect the worse. Of course our whole conversation was very low key, calm and I didn't even cry, YEAH!!!!! I did my best to express how I felt and the fact that I was willing to face my fears and move forward with our relationship. I am willing to accept that it might not work out, I just can't accept that we don't get another chance to see if it could.<P>What do you think? Did I blow it? Am I expecting too much again? How can the truth be a bad thing? I'm open to any and all opinions, good and bad, supportive or not. I actually like being challenged on some of my decisions because it makes me think harder and expand my horizions.<P>Fire away!!!<P>Lynn<P><BR>

Uh, okay.<P>When he took your hand...you could've remained silent. That was an overture, a prelude to <I>something</I>, what exactly is not so clear, <B>but</B>...you need to let it happen in its own time, The best Plan A advice I've ever heard is to agree when you can, and be silent when you can't. It pretty good Plan B advice, too, except don't initiate contact to agree! He is looking for safety here...I suspect that he has something to tell you (haven't I always said that...it still sticks out to me!), but is unsure of how you will respond to it. You are frustrated, and weary...look at your reaction to his simple question, which BTW, sounded as much like genuine concern for you as it does self-centeredness....hey, at least he relates himself to you, that's a lot from an egomaniac, believe me! I think that it was a good day, but you failed to benefit from two situations that presented themselves to you...you might have felt better for a while, but it will weigh on you later...make sure that you do not miss the next opportunity. He is spending some time in this area where he is the center of the universe...there's a reason for that...going to take a lot of digging to uncover...what do you think is causing this? (Usually, its a perceived threat to a goal, or value...we talked brifly about this a month ago, or more...remember?) -Mike

I re-read my post and it did seem a bit cruel. It is very hard to relay all the circumstances of a conversation in this medium. It really wasn't as bad as it seemed. We laughed and talked and joked around too but yes I was a total whine-bag that morning. I didn't storm out or anything and quiet frankly if he was truly concerned about my health he may had thought to call before Monday. At any rate, we did continue talking that morning even after my tirade and I explained that I was in an ill mood(hormone induced) and he understood. I don't care what MB says sometimes I think he needs to know that the decisions he makes affect other people besides him. It is not my place to decide that for him or convince him, I just can no longer hide my pain. It's been 7 months that I've bent over backwards, bit my tongue, loved him unconditionally, etc, etc, etc.... I thought I owed it to him to explain why I am so hurt when he disappears on the weekends when I know he is not working. <P>Either he wants to work things out or he doesn't. Either way we can move on together or separately. Either way, at least something is moving. If we stay in this mode, he will never have to face this decision. I know this about him, I've known him 17 years. He will keep looking for a good time and quite frankly there is no "perfect" time. It is scary, it will be hard, but it can be done. BUT he has to take that first step and say, let's try. The current situation is damaging to my self-esteem, my mental health, and yes my physical health. You were dead-on with the eating properly thing. Until I found out about affair, I kept waiting for this infidelity diet thing to hit, wondering why I was not affected. But as soon as D-day hit, I quit eating for days at a time. I might have forced one meal a day down. It did get me sick and I have lost about 11 pounds this month. Not that I didn't have it to lose but I know it has to be done better than starving. Good advice on the fruit, I had pears for lunch yesterday.<P>Mike, I'm sorry if my post made me come off as a raging bag of hormones. It really wasn't that bad. He actually held my hand during our entire conversation. All our years together he has told me that I could explain things to him in a way that he really understood what I meant by using analogies and examples. I didn't use a threatening tone and everything I said was done to let him know my attitude towards him was changing. It wasn't a demand, simply information. Maybe he isn't ready to process this additional info yet but he deserved to understand how I feeling. It scared me how angry I was yesterday morning. I didn't like myself very much. I do think he understood.<P>I hate this as much as anyone. My life is changed completely. My core beliefs have been rocked! I do however, have to take steps to prevent further abuse. He wants me to be the bad guy. Why else would he want to get caught in the affair and then not end it? He wants me to get so mad, I'll hate him and it will releive his guilt and justify his actions. Sorry, I just can't be that accomodating. I want my marriage to work. I love him. I have been patient, I have been kind. At some point the pain has to stop. <P>I'm just crying out in pain at the current moment. I hope my strength will come back soon. I never knew a heart could hurt so bad. <P>Thanks Mike for responding. I hope you have a good day!<P>Lynn

BTW, this morning he was perfectly fine mood wise. I gave him the last of my amoxicillin and some cold med as he still had sore throat. He has bought an old jeep wagnoneer type thing ( deer hunter's special for sure) and was kidding with the kids about taking them to school in style. He never mentioned anything from yesterday and neither did I. <P>This thing he bought really was hidious. D wanted to know if he was going to paint it. He said "that is the paint" S wanted to know if there were snakes in there. <P>It really was funny. Kind of like ol' times kidding with the kids about honking the horn to get all their friends attention and stuff as he drove away, smoke boiling.....<P>He seemed to be in a good mood except when I asked where his truck was. He had told me(at McD) he was buying this thing from a guy at work and would get it that night. I was only asking about his truck in case he needed someone to drive it back to the house or something. He always hated to leave his truck anywhere. I suppose it wasn't my place to ask but I was trying to be helpful. He didn't get mad or anything, just looked uncomfortable like he was covering up a lie or something. No big deal....<P>Overall, it was a pleasant morning. I had mentioned to him yesterday that I had written something I wanted him to read and he said he would get it in the AM. Of course, he didn't mention it this AM and neither did I. See, every once and a while I can keep my mouth shut. (very rarely, I agree ) <P>Lynn

Just bumping this up so anyone who read my "mad" post can see maybe I'm not a total B**** after all. <P>Lynn

Oops! Lynn, please remember that I am on your side! No, I don't feel like you were angry, or 'hormonal', and even if you were...its not like you don't have justification! I never wanted to imply that you need to be a saint, or even a 'peoplepleaser', or anything...except honest with yourself, and to yourself. You never have a problem with the truth...it is your goal, and I have <B>plenty</B> of respect for that.<P>We get on well, you and me, because we share similar core values. You always take my posts in the most damning sense because you see a lot of it as coming back from you. That is good, but it might help you to see these alternative perspectives a little if you realize that I am not here to chastise, or judge you. I am likewise not here to tell you, I told you so. I am here simply to tell you that there are other ways to look at things, and by surprising him with new, and more tolerant behavior, you take a measure of control in the matter. Not over him necessarily, but over you, and your reactions to his LBing, and indecision.<P>So, here are some things to ponder...not to hit yourself in the head with...I might have to start labelling these posts! (For internal use only...use only as directed...keep out of the reach of children, and wayward spouses. Take until gone. Unlimited refills.)<P>You should probably not be so frank about this process. Like when you told him that you both need to quit withdrawing love units. He doesn't need to know that, and you make you position weak by doing that. *I suspect that all her hears is 'quit hurting me.'* Asking him how long is a major LB, IMHO...pressure does not work the way it used to, Lynn, and it really didn't work before, either. Its manipulative, and even when it goes unnoticed on the surface, it still causes a withdrawal...reason unknown.<P>Yes, he is trying to 'make you not love him'. It makes it easier on him...he doesn'trealize a lot about this, and you are the very last person in the world to be trying to tell him that. Actions not only speak louder than words, they are the only acceptable form of currency in this exchange. Your actions seem to be motivated by his...he does see that, and he will never respect you if all he sees is LBing, and fish flopping..am I being clear? You need the 'truth' to be that you are ready to move on. I know that it is not your truth, and all I am talking about is to create a little inequality statment in his mind...let's not hit the rail here. He needs to be unsure about how you feel...he needs to miss you, to want you...to need you like you need him. What is the most sexy quality a woman possesses? To me, it is <B>mystery</B>, and <B>ambivalence</B>. You very clearly indicate that you are willing to tolerate (not very quietly all the time, but that is not the main issue) his behavior, and that he can 'get away' with much. He misses the things that the relationship, and family provide, but there is no threat, real or otherwise. He is in no danger, and is in control of it all. That gives him a basis for this position of strength he is dealing with you with. He still gets moved by your opinion, like with thetruck, and the new 'Deerslayer'. This is good, you need to take it as such. The price you have paid for this bit of knowledge is small compared to what you can use it to achieve. Lynn, this is all about perspective, and finding out how to put a positive spin on these interactions, right?<P>Let's try to get one of the major hurdles dealt with <B>right now</B>, and be done with it, because it is, IMHO...killing your efforts. Your weight is not the issue, Lynn. Eat right, stay active, and let your body settle down where it is <B>supposed</B> to be. Quit blaming things on your thyroid, metabolism, phases of the moon, menstruation, and Miss Cleo. The truth is, you are very much in control of it, there are simply times that we chose to abdicate our authority in these matters. This particular one has nearly inescapable consequences that are 'obvious to even the most casual of observers', as my Logic teacher used to tell me. He is actually motivated by much more than just that. be attractive, and feel pretty...that is important. No, it is key, Lynn...absolutely the rock that your whole thing is based on...you dig? Let me ask you...does he make any sort of comments that seem to point to your weight as an issue? I do know that you read much in (probably with good cause), and that it hurts you. Diet is a nasty four letter word, just eat healthy...binge a little (do not purge at all!) when you feel the need, and stay active. Beauty starts from within, but if you feel good about yourself, it shows on the outside, too. Get a grip on it, but don't squeeze too hard. If you have a bead on that, then you can get a little more grounded on the rest of it. I think that you need to quit letting your life happen to you, and around you. I know that once I decided to do that, I felt better. Not magically so, just a little bit..and that was enough. -Mike

My friend Mike,<P>I thought for sure that the clumpsy 4 yr old would have broken your crystal ball but apparently it survived and can see right to the core of me. Oops, I forgot, We are leaving Miss Cleo out of this I am just continually amazed that you "read" me so well. I don't know if I told you this before but I'm a firm believer that God places people in our paths to guide, direct and support us. It's a shame that we had to get to know each other under these circumstances, but I'm so glad God placed you in my path.<P>I think me any you get along fine too. I was drawn to your responses to other posters in my very early posting days. I liked your straightforwardness and your tendency to look at things in a new perspective. I am not offended by alternative views. They are generally enlightening. I really appreciate your honesty, as I've said before. Sometimes, I am just not sure I've always explained all the circumstances that you need to form a clear view of "events". <P>Actually, I'm just one of those "I'm sorry" people. I felt so bad about how I mean I sounded in my post. You are right, I have every right to be furious but I don't want to come off like an "out of control" maniac. I didn't want you, or anyone to feel bad about me. That really has more to do with my insecurites and poor self-image than reality. Deep down, I don't even think that you do feel bad about how I've handled things because you have always encouraged me to do what I was comfortable with. I just have this tendency to be sorry for everything. It gets annoying so I'm warning you in advance. I actually don't get easily offended but I'm sorry if I ever do see what I mean.....<P>As far as my H and me, I have a 4 yr degree in Financial Management ( yes, I DID bounce a check last week) and my H graduated High School. Until about 2 years ago, we made about the same annual salary. He had insurance and 401K deducted so I always had more take home pay. We both averaged about 28 to 30K a year gross. Since the new computer installation, my salary has increased to almost 38K but now I'm having $150/ month sucked out for insurance. My H never said anything about my salary. I don't think he cared. He did however, never understand about being a salaried employee. He saw how I allowed my self to be taken advantage of and how I gave and gave but rarely was appreciated. He hated that I worked overtime. Even if I took off some comp time( I rarely did) We always have had issues with money. I always handled all the bills. He didn't even know how much there were. He didn't go to grocery store with me so he could never understand why $100 a week couldn't support us. He put about 1/2 his pay towards bills and kept the rest that I didn't have access to. He never was a spend-a-holic. He spent a good bit on fishing stuff but if and when he did want something, he got it. At one time we had 3 boats. <P>As far as my weight, I have been all over the place in our marriage. I'm about the same size now as when we married but I have bounced around alot. I am not blond and beautiful but when I'm thinner, I feel pretty. I asked H first thing when he said he wasn't happy if my weight had anything to do with his unhappiness. He denied it. He says he only worried about me because of my health. I do have a bum knee. Had knee surgery twice in 99. Also have had an ovary and tube, gallbladder, appendix, and tonsils removed since he's known me. Of course overall, the doctor says looking at my labs,etc I am as healthy as I can be. My knees still bug me but I'm learning to live with it. The knee thing could have been a turning point because it did disrupt our sex life somewhat. no details, don't worry. <BR>I still think my H is more attracted to me when I'm thinner. He says it doesn't matter. In fact about 6 weeks ago, he said he still wants me as much as ever.. I just feel better about myself when I feel thinner. As you said, it starts inside and I've always thought people were attracted to my personality. I'm hyper and obnoxious but also funny and quick-witted. I wouldn't say I'm the life of the party type because I worry too much about what people think, but I know I'm a good person. That is basically my problem, I'm a good person.<P>Good people are few and far between these days in my opinion and the world takes advantage. Of course, I open myself up and make it real easy to use and abuse me. <P>I am desparately trying to be able to say, I'm moving on. I write letters to my H every night but I don't think he will ever read them.(in a notebook, I leave out but he ignores) <P>I want him to read Surviving an Affair. This might seem pushy but I learned alot from it. It might help him see that I can get past the affair and trust him again. I think he is terrified that he will break off his lover's relationship and come back to me and be ridiculed and hated and never forgiven. He knows me very well and he knows how emotional I can be. I do really well for the most part but I have this smart-A$$ side to me that I can't control. I've learned alot from this website about how to control LB's. He just doesn't understand that and never will if he doesn't give us another chance.<P>I agree he feels pretty good about the way things are right now. He comes and goes as he pleases. He never has the kids if he doesn't want them. In fact he hasn't had them without me being there since May. It's really a shame but I'm not forcing them on him like property. He loves those kids but he is not used to having to sacrifice his wants and needs for them. <P>I am starting to feel such resentment towards him. How dare he come here and act like my best friend then leave to go sleep with her? I have asked him what needs she fulfills that I didn't and he said there wasn't any. It just threw me for a loop when he said he wasn't sure if he loved her. According to all his previous psycho babble, he wasn't capable of feeling love for anyone but his mom and the kids.<P>I just get so frustrated and I hate constant venting. Like you say, it is instant relief but I never feel better long term. I don't like being a negative person. I would like to have a decent conversation about something besides my marriage problems. Not that I don't enjoy diving into this with you but I also enjoy hearing about your days at work and the projects you work on. Keep posting, I'm fascinated.<P>I need my reality to be "I'm ready to move on". I just don't know how to do that. Financially I'm pretty much tied to him. We are about $140,000 in debt at the moment. House, car and 2nd mortgage. Credit already is good but not great due to being late on some medical bills. I'm really scared about being on my own and not making it. I'm so bad at asking for help. Of course you would never know that because I'm always begging you for help. <P>Well, enough about me. I just wanted to answer some of your previous questions. I'm in limbo. I just want to be happy. I know God will never leave me and He will continue to bless me with friends like you.<P>Goodnight and thanks for listening. You can put a big check mark beside my EN for conversation. <P>Lynn <BR>

Yes, I can see that you have been trying to find answers for some time now, and you feel responsible for everyone else's happiness...at the expense of your own. My 90 year old grandfather has panic attacks, and my grandmother, and mother say, 'it's all in his head.', to which I reply...<B>Yes, but that makes it no less real to him, and that does not form an adequate answer to his problem.</B> The man is 90 years old, when can he have some peace in his life? Is he just supposed to 'get over it'? Are you?<P>You are starting to form a desired outcome automatically. Honestly, if he wasn't leaving now, in six months you would. You will form values, opinions, and goals whether you do it consciously, or not. You can take this time to really get to know yourself, change some things, and develop a desired outcome that suits <B>you.</B> If you have no goal, then you don't know if you are moving forward, backward, or indeed, at all. You know these things, I just don't want the resentment to grow too much for you now...me, either. Now, apparently, I have an 'attitude' toward my XW...she told Aaron that. I merely gave her the Plan B speech before the camping trip, and she is having trouble with the transition from Plan A, I think! Oh well, I can't help her there, either! My sister has a friend in a situation similar to yours. This friend says, 'I have forgiven him.', but that cannot be true...since they are still married, and he is still involved with the OW....he's not done doing what you are forgiving him for yet, so unless you can get up <B>every day</B> and (pre)forgive him, there is no sense in rumbling down <B>that</B> road now. At least I have stopped doing that.<P>Tonight, I overheard a conversation between Spencer and Teri, he is not 'fine' with her at all, and I heard his judgements of her, I wonder if she did? He is glad to be here, and I have stopped preaching to him so much (a father cannot stop that entirely, however...I just try to avoid saying things like....'...and not the way your Mother thinks it should be.' ) I have been wondering if I had originally assessed their positions incorrectly, but I now realize that they are simply protecting themselves with her...I was honest, and called her LBing behavior, and look what it got me, after all! I can't fault them for learning to protect themselves, but at some point, I will have to tell them what their silence causes...maybe you could tell them, since you live that way, too, sometimes?<P>Lynn, dear Lynn...don't blame yourself because you are so open, and flexible. There are plenty of us that value that in a person, and in fact, there are people that will protect you for that. That is a very human, and Christ-like outlook, minus the self-esteem issues (which are caused by those that take advantage of your good nature...understand? This is not your character flaw that we are talking about...it is society's me first bs that is causing your pain!)...and look what they did to Jesus! (...while you are looking...remember his last words before 'It is done.', '...forgive them, for they know not what they do.') That goes for everyone that would persecute, and even symbolically crucify the 'least' of Jesus' followers, certainly includes you there!<P>You are important to me, too...take care and God Bless...check my box, too! -Mike

Ok, Jedi Master, I'm ready for my lesson tonight <P>No really, I just wanted to let you know I used a little of your "smell advice" tonight myself. My H has always had this thing for "Beautiful". I rarely wear perfume but thought tonight, what the heck. Perfume mixed with ballpark odors is bound to turn anyone on ...<P>Well H sat really close again. At one point we had to move over to make room for someone. He slid pretty far and I only moved about one place. He immediately moved right back next to me. <P>It was a great game. Austin got 3 hits and scored 2 runs. We talked a good bit thoughout the game about being sick, work, kids, school, etc.. no relationship stuff. When we were leaving, I put stuff in car and started to go around to get in. He stopped me and started to hug me. I didn't immediately hug back but wasn't resisting at all. He said " aren't you going to give me a hug?" I hugged him and said softly " if you come by and rub my back, I'll give you more than that" He just laughed and squeezed me tight. <P>I said, see ya in the morning. Bye. I could tell he was thinking about what I said, even if he thought I was kidding, it still got to him. <P>Overall, it was a very good night. That is of course until I remember he is driving back to "their" house to bathe and get ready for work. He should be at home where he belongs with his family that loves him. It's such a shame. I hope I can handle myself in an appropriate manner at least until ball season is over at end of Sept. Right now, I know I'll see him at least 2 nights a week. Even if it is only for a couple of hours, it is usually a lot of fun and laughs. All depends on my moods, and it's not an excuse- it's the truth, my hormones. I've figured out I need to stay away from him at certain times. No details here either, don't worry. Both times I've had these semi-nervous breakdowns and felt I had to demand an answer have all been during this time. Lesson One accomplished. I have identified a situation where I am likely to LB and I am putting a plan in motion to avoid contact during this "certain time" in the future, therefore reducing the likihood of LBing and the oversensitivity to unfulfilled expectations.<P>I'll be gone Friday and Sat until late. Keep everyone straight til I get back. I wish there was something I could say to Jacky or CJ but I feel as disillusioned as they are. I am praying for all of us. <P>Take care, Lynn <P>

It's nice to know that <I>someone</I> appreciated that one! I should've known that it would be you. Now who's the master? <P>Oh, well done...you hit a three bagger at your son's game! Personally, I would find it very difficult to resist hot dogs, and <I>Green Tea</I>, but that's just me, I am certain that you <B>anchored</B> a very postive image for him tonight.<P>That is a very wise strategy you have...avoid known LB producing situations.<P>Before we go too far from it Lynn, when I said quit blaming things on that, I did not mean <B>everything</B>, just that thing, you know? (And at that time...) So, I understand what you are saying, from the perspective available to me. All I was trying to do was tell you that sometimes things matter to us more than they should.<P>Okay, and remember that we are out here, thinking about you, and praying for you. -Mike<P>

Lynn,<P>You don't have to say anything, I know you are there for us and we are there for you. We all know what it's like .<P>The hormone thing...are you on anti-d's? They do help alleviate some symptoms. I also found Vitamin B6 and evening primrose oil good, if I took them regularly. I tried starflower and St John's wort, but they disagreed with me.<P>Mike, I'd like your input on my horrible day yesterday, when I blew it, if you can spare the time, and if your phone doesn't get cut off. But I think you have my email address. BTW, the eyes...when I said that "Go and find my husband" stuff he was looking at me right in the eye, kind of a gentle look, and when he said he was trying, too But when he said he wished I hated him, he tilted his head heavenward and lifted his arms. Any input.<p>[This message has been edited by Nina too (edited August 24, 2001).]