I know this is a marriage builders site and I have spent many years trying to save/build my marriage. But at some point these ws need to be responsible for their actions and reap the consequences of those actions (divorce). <P>These are grown ups that haven't grown up. We give them every excuse and every logical explanation in the book as to why they are... the way they are... we go through a lot of pain and turmoil in trying to save/fix them or our marriage but the only way they will change is if they not only desire change but they must be willing to go through the pain and suffering associated with that change. <P>We play these little games, walk on eggshells, try the plan a, plan b... only to be hurt again later down the line. We deny our feelings and deny our morals and deny our very self to save our marriage. This is not true for all, but most. <P>I have filed for divorce. Everyday when I read and reread these posts in recovery and the divorced forum it just confirms in me that I am doing the right thing. I don't want all this drama in my life. <P>I don't respond to most posts. Although I relate to everyone of them (at different points in my life) I don't want to bring them down. Its like "Wake Up People! You see the patterns and the cycles. Especially the ones (me included) who have been through this time and time again. <P>The BS is just as guilty for allowing this to happen time and time again. They allow it because the WS doesn't reap any consequences of their actions. What is the consequence to them having an affair? A doormat bs who will just love them and love them. that is not love! the ws doesn't respect the bs because the bs doesn't respect themselves. if the bs respected themselves they wouldn't put up with this crap. <P>I have emerged as a healthy individual and I don't want to be in this unhealthy relationship. I want to teach my kids to have a healthy view of themselves and that they do have a say in what they allow in their lives. <P>I apologise for those who have been through the betrayal once or twice... maybe there is hope for you...but if you have been through this (as I was) time and time again, year after year after year. When does the madness end? When you say no, put your foot down, and walk away, as I am. <P>There is hope in my life and my kids life. I am doing the best job I can in these circumstances. We are a family. Me and my kids. We will have family vacations and family togetherness and we are whole. Even in our single-parent environment. We have an Omnipresent Father as the head of our household. There is no better spouse than Christ himself. Jesus is my husband and God is our Father for me and my kids. <P>Signed,<BR>FedUp

sometimes, we just need to pull up the drawbridge that allows anyone and everyone access to our heart... you need to do what you can to preserve the YOU God created so that you can be the Mother God's called you to be... <P>Go with it... step by step... remember, this is only for the time now... who knows what the future holds. But, you need to remain faithful to what you know to be TRUE on the inside... God calls us to live in peace...<P>Go in peace my friend...<P>Blessings,<BR>Nicole<P>------------------<BR><I>The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerable</I> ~ Henri Nouwen

<BR>In my case, my H was never a person that would try and "get away" with whatever he could. Rather, he was someone who was unhappy with himself and his marriage. Patience & plan A is a perfect prescription for someone like him.<P>I think there is a BIG difference between being married to someone who is immature and/or abusive and will take whatever liberties he/she is allowed to take, and being married to someone who is basically a decent person at heart, but has gotten off-track. Sounds like you were married to the first type, and I cannot blame you for not wanting to extend your heart to be hurt again. <P>Good luck--<P>Kathi<P><BR>