This is long, sorry. Back round: We are married 8 years, together 10, no Children. I am the BS and my H had an EA & PA from Jan to July of this year. We have been on a major roller coaster mostly but the last four weeks have been solid. He has been great! Has told me he loves me, never stopped loving me. He was confused, it was new and fun and they had no stress, just a lot of appreciation for each other, blah blah. Now after 4 weeks of solid reafirming to me he is here for good and wants to make it work, he had a bad night. The OW lives next door. Her H works a lot of hours and travels. Last night my H went home early from work, cut the lawn etc. When I got home he was fine, told me he wanted to skip the health club and spend some quality time together. I started dinner and he went to sit in the yard and read till it was done. Immidiately the OW's 4 year old son comes over and starts playing with my H. The 4 yr old is great and unitl the affair was very close to us. He really is not allowed over now, but the OW lets it happen when her H is not home to see. It is not right, but I choose not to fight with my H about it. Anyway, I am cooking dinner and heating up some home made salad dressing in the microwave. Stupid me, it comes out, oil very hot, I put the lid on and boom! It explodes in my face and everywhere! I scream and start to cry, my H doesn't even look in the house! He is in plain sight and sound but nothing. So I clean up, crying because my eye lids are burned. Finally the child goes home, and my H comes in, no clue what happened. So I sit down to dinner (NOT Hungry) and he asks whats wrong. I tell him about the oil and the mess and how I was hurt that he didn't come in. He says I should have called him, I say you were busy playing with a child, you are not supposed to be with. I understand he can't just say go away, but if he just sat and read his book, the child would have gone away on his own. He is the sweetest little boy, but it is so disrespectful to his dad, who is hurting as bad as me and trying to put his family back together, for my H to be instigating all of this. Later after dinner the OW and her H are out front teaching the little guy to ride a 2 wheel bike. My H is in the front room looking at them out the window. Okay I am really hurt but say nothing.<P>Anyway, all night now he is quiet and withdrawn, for the first time in 4 weeks. Finally he tells me he is sad and has moments basically I think he meant he misses her. I ask if he talked to her or anything when he got home, to cause this set back. He says no it just happens, that he deeply cared for her for 8 months and it doesn't just go away.<BR>All I can think is here we go again! I cried and cried and he told me he does love me and he has these moments but tries not to show me. <P>Finally my questions: <P>- Is he ever going to get over her? We are looking for a new house, he wants this too, but it takes time. <BR>- What should I be doing to help him through? When I walk away, he comes and finds me. So I don't think it is space he wnats? I am so confused. I do not want to push him away.<P><p>[This message has been edited by eyes_wide_shut (edited August 21, 2001).]

Michelle,<P>Time heals all wounds, <B> unless you pick at them </B><P>To a WS, it is a pleasurable addiction. Seeing her picks at his desires, and he is sad, naturally, it is called withdrawal, just like a drug addiction withdrawal.<P>My suggestion is that you have to move away, spend the money and buy an new house, different neighborhood, etc. However, since your H is so interested in the child, what about children of your own? there seems to be something about children that your H is lacking. . . . .<P>sorry, that is the best answer for both of you, and you have to exhibit time and patience, and <B> APPRECIATE </B> and reward his good behavior when he doesn't go over there. Also, when you know he is tempted, why don't you try something to distract him by doing something with you, pleasurable, etc, so that he takes his mind off the OW, and tries to replace those thoughts with pleasurable thoughts of you.<P>as hard as it is, remember, both of you are hurting, and you need to try to replace his happy thoughts of OW with happy thoughts of you.<P>keep trying, <BR>try not to cry, but try being the<BR>OOW, the OW to his OW, meaning what did he get<BR>from her that you can provide for him when he thinks<BR>when he would like to be at her house??<P>its not impossible, but there is a need there,<BR>somewhere you can fill when he is needing it.<P>good luck.

(((((((((((((((((((((((EWS))))))))))))))))))<P>I can't really say what will happen of course, being the BS myself. But I just want you to know that I am here for you (even though I'm thousands of miles away. Also I am hurting today, just everything getting me down again. So I'm trying to keep busy, but what I'm really doing is the beginning of my packing...so I'm extremely down. I can't offer you any advice while I'm in this mood, except keep looking for the house, and try not to feel bad about your LB's...just start your Plan A again. He sounds like he cares...let him.

Thanks Jacky! Please tell me you will be back online when you get back home. I will miss you so much! I am here for you too. <P>I tell you as You already know, this pain we feel is so bad! I am glad I have some friends to help me through. You should have seen the look in his eyes while the family next door was out front. Like he wished he was the one with her helping Austin learn to ride. It just killed me inside! <P>WhenIfindthetime:<P>We have tried to have children, last step is invetro, we are talking about it. As for keeping his mind off of her, it is so hard to plan something every day for the rest of my life. We are looking for a new house, hopefully we find something soon.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by eyes_wide_shut (edited August 21, 2001).]

Well, for a while I will be, but it's my mum's computer, so I'll have to share....<P>They say the eyes are the window to the soul, Michelle, and Wiffty mentioned having kids of your own. Have you talked about that with your h? Not that NOW is a good time, but you know if he has a need to be with kids, he can do LOTS of stuff with them on a voluntary basis in the meantime.<P>Did you read my other post about the letter...about the "sister phone call" my h received on his cell phone while here? Wasn't her, I just realised today. That's probably contributing, also we have a slight problem with the bills...I've paid, got receipts, they don't think we have...when he emailed and phoned about it, I could have just been a stranger as far as he is concerned.<P>I'm having a BIG TIME fleeing instinct right now, and I can see you are too. Maybe we should run off together like Thelma and Louise???? <P>Take heart, kind friend, all is NOT lost for you, it's just so hard for you to see it in your position.<P>Jacky

Nina Too:<P>Running has crossed my mind daily these days. I know the OW's H feels the same! I am sorry I did not see you letter about the phone call? Must have got burried quick? Anyway, lies, lies, lies, they all do it, when they are hiding the affair! Maybe after too. I think that is why I am having so much trouble, lies for 8 months! Verbal abuse, mental cruelty. ****, he pulled all the cards out! Why do I still love him so much? The him he is now and was before January? I never in my life thought I would be going through something like this. I am sure you too!<P>The OW's H isleaving today at 5 for Mexico. He will be gone until Saturday. Not good timing with last nights events. But I have to trust my H right.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> it is so hard to plan something every day for the rest of my life. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wait, who said anything about plan? What MBTI personality type are you? waht about spontaneous sex? what about spontaneous walk around the block? what about spontaneous game of croquet? what about a spontaneous garden project?<P>come on, you need to get creative? are you a xSxJ person by any chance?<P>WIFTTy<P>It may be that lack of children is an issue that your H is having a hard time with, down deep and he hasn't allowed it to the surface yet. keep making a safe atmosphere at home and keep asking futuristic planning questions, to get H to talk about where HE wants to be in 5 years, 10 years, etc.<P>you need to probe, and only done through spontaneous conversation. how many times have you asked him for his thoughts, true, honest thoughts? just at random, what is he thinking about. there is always stuff to talk about, without having to plan it.<P>Are there new activities you two can learn together, take a course together. . . .<B> lets get creative </B><P>

<BR>WhenIfindthetime<P>Oh yes I do try to be spontaneous. It works most of the time. I tried last minute walks around the block, he never wants to. But we do have a spontaneous SX LF happens a lot. <P>I try to ask him what he is thinking, he doesn't ever say much. How do I get him to talk? He has talked about the future some what. where he would like to see us grow to be. Love, happiness etc. But not very often and I have to talk first. I know he spent thousands of hours talking to the OW about everything! They had cell phone bills with 3000 hours a month at times. How do I get him to tell me his thoughts and dreams.<P>I do not know my MBTI personality. How do I find out?<P>Michelle

Yeah, I know that feeling, and then they don't say anytihng until it's too late. And THEN they don't tellyou some more. Geez I'm in a mood tonight!!!<P>Did you read my other post, on my EWS, LH and WFH thread..tells about the phone call. He relies on MY fog about all this...should have known it wasn't his sister...it would have been 5am in Oz. I am so stewing about this, I want to call and give hime he**.

Michelle,<BR> <A HREF="http://www.personalitytype.com/quiz" TARGET=_blank>www.personalitytype.com/quiz</A> <P>answer the four questions for yourself, and them write down the letters, then do the same test for your H, and write down the letters, and them post them here, and we'll she if you case is terminal or not!<P>WIFTTy<BR>

I am an ESFP and He is an ENTP. The only thing he differed on in the first question was the talking issue. Everything else pointed to E, so I chose E. Hope that is right.<P>What do you think?

try not to take no for an answer very easily, on something like a walk, if he says no, try to get a little more energetic, and don't let his negative mood get you down, and let him know its important for HIM also, etc.<P>just because he is not enthusiastic, maybe you can make it enthusiastic. As an extrovert, he will respond to outside energy, so you have to create more of it for him to be more agreeable more easily. and be genuine about the enthusiasm.<P>will look at the combination a little bit later tonight.<P>WIFTTy<P><BR>

I will try it tonight to ask him to take a wlak and make it fun! Last night was okay, but he is just so down, he spent most of the night reading, which is okay, we both read a lot. But he doesn't usually do it right after work. <P>I am going to try and be real energetic and see what happens. I am signing us up for rock climbing at our gym, I think he will be excited. Hope so.

Well looks like I am done here. Seems HE is still readng my posts. Have to go this alone. This is not good. I am very sad and very alone. I need him so bad, and he just doesn't get it or he doesn't care. I don't know.<P>I don't know anything anymore. Everything I believed in is gone.<P>Michelle<p>[This message has been edited by eyes_wide_shut (edited August 22, 2001).]

If you need to chat, you know where to get me!<P>You are NOT alone!!!<P>Love,<P>Jacky<P>PS: At least he's showing an interest...maybe just cares so much he wants to see what you think so he can help.

he just took my whole world away again. he spent 4 weeks convincing me he loved me and would never leave again. I was such a fool to believe! I love him so much, he could never know how much pain he has caused.<P>Have to go, love,<P>Michelle<p>[This message has been edited by eyes_wide_shut (edited August 22, 2001).]

You email me, Michelle, and have a good chat...I hate to see you in pain.<P>Love Jacky

Jacky, I don't have your email address anymore.<P>See Poems. New one Posted<p>[This message has been edited by eyes_wide_shut (edited August 22, 2001).]

I lost yours too! <P><BR>((((((((((((((((((Michelle))))))))))))))))))<p>[This message has been edited by Nina too (edited August 23, 2001).]

Hi everyone:<P>Funny I keep saying goodbye and keep coming back. Sounds like my H and his OW. Things are not really better. My H was nice last night. Actually very nice. But the we went to bed and he snuggled with me, I just started to cry. He gets angry when I cry and pulled away. I went for a walk, then came back and just did it. Told him, I cant do this anymore. This last round was it for me and he knew it. I cant take this pain, its hurting me physically and mentally. I told him he needs to find a place to live and I will put the house up for sale.<P>Then I went to the spare bedroom abd cried. Cried so hard I got sick. My stomach has been burning for days and this did not help. I went into our room to get a new shirt and ended up in his arms. Fell asleep.<P>This morning he got ready for work, I am off today. then he came over sat down, put his head on my lap and told me he was sorry for yesterday. That when things start to get good and we start getting comfortable, he gets nervous and scared. He asked for the day to think. I said okay.<P>I got online this morning to say hi and I love you and he asked if I slept okay after all was done. I said okay I guess I fell asleep. He said yes, I watched you until you feel asleep. Doesn't all this mean he does love me?<P>Guys, I am so worn out, scared, sad, confused. Why would he love me and be so wonderful for 4 weeks and then just lose it?<P>Michelle<p>[This message has been edited by eyes_wide_shut (edited August 23, 2001).]