I would like your input so that I have some ideas to consider. My H is pushing pretty hard for me to move back home, and the counselor gave us the assignment this week to write down what we would need in order for me to move home. I have been thinking about the assignment all week and I actually sat down last night and wrote a list of every brainstorm idea that I have. I would like to ask you guys your opinion, because I want to make sure that I don't miss something important and I would also like to see if I'm being unrealistic. What do you think should be some of the things I require before I move back home? <P>For just a little background, my H and I have been married for 12 years, together for 15 years. Throughout our marriage he turned to other women for emotional support and EA's, and he has also been verbally abusive (screaming and raging aimed at me). Meantime, I did not keep myself physically attractive, I did not keep the house clean the way he would have liked it, and I was very critical of him. In Feb. 2000 he moved out of the house and had an extended PA/EA with a lady in Utah that he met while traveling for work. We were separated and he hated my guts. I read, "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil, and it changed my life. Then, in June 2000 or so, he moved back home because the kids deserved a father, but he had no desire to be with me. We did not sleep together or touch each other at all for several months. In late Aug/early Sept. 2000 I found the Marriage Builders web site. In Oct. 2000, he told me "Did it ever occur to you that I know perfectly well what your EN's are and I have no desire to meet them?" In Nov. and Dec. 2000, he went to Utah and missed the Holidays and New Years. He seemed to genuinely want to reconcile in Feb. 2001, and so we agreed to reconcile. During this reconciliation period he continued to be increasingly verbally abusive, until finally on July 26th I moved out because I didn't deserve it. Now, he wants me to move back home and our counselor wants something "in writing" that would indicate what I need to see in order to feel comfortable moving home.<P>So…what are you suggestions? Ideas? Impressions? Opinions? What advice would you give me about returning? Thanks!!<P>CJ<BR> <BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Honestly? With his past history I think you should write the list but I think they should be conditions that he meet BEFORE you move back home. I think going back too soon will only cause the pattern to repeat itself.

Well, jeepers, CJ, the list is good FOR YOU, but you know as well as I do that he doesn't give a rats a$$ about meeting your needs, and will **say** what the counselor (and you) want to hear to get you back home.<P>Yes, write the list, not for him, but for YOU, and write it as if you were talking about ANY man out there... like, this:<P>I need a man who will not believe I am stupid<BR>I need a man who will make my home a safe place for me<P>Like that...<P>Can you do that, for YOU??<P>I am 100% for restoring marriage, when it's possible... and when it's SAFE. Your H is not safe right now. <P>What do you think???<P>Oh, and you're ALLOWED to want him back, to wish you were together, and to tell me to mind my own beezwax... but I am concerned that you will allow him back before he's done the work to make your marriage a safe place.<P>Love you,<P>Sheryl

I think <I>you</I> will need to decide the specifics, CJ, but here's some thoughts:<P>I think it is important for both of you to be able to articulate what the problems in your marriage <I>are</I>, from <I>both</I> of your perspectives. It's awfully difficult to solve a problem when you don't know what the problem <I>is</I> that you are trying to solve. Note that you don't necessarily have to <I>agree</I> with each other's perspectives, but you <I>do</I> need to understand and respect them, at least to <I>some</I> extent.<P>Require a commitment to the marriage (and working on it) for at least some specified period of time, and establish accountability, presumably with your counselor(s).<P>Develop a concrete plan (ideally worked out <I>with</I> your husband and your counselor) as to what exactly you and your husband are going to do to address each other's concerns and rebuild your marriage. Note that you should not demand everything all at once. I speak from experience when I say that even for the most motivated and committed individual, habits are difficult to break. You often don't notice what you're doing until after you've already done it.<P>Establish a clear understanding of the consequences of failing to honor your agreements. Note that consequences are not intended to be <I>punishments</I>. For example, a consequence of your husband raising his voice might be you leaving the room or the house for a time. This is necessary for your own protection as well as to help break him of the habit. But it's crucial that your husband understands this so he doesn't misinterpret your retreat in one of the many possible negative ways. And if he agrees to the consequence ahead of time, he will have a hard time using it against you.<BR>