Wife,<P> I’m typing this to let you know a couple things.<BR>This is the only communication that I wish to have<BR>with you until you’ve made your decision or time has<BR>run out. Not talking to you in 14 days has helped me<BR>know that whatever you choose, I’ll be all right<BR>either way. I’ve done everything a husband could<BR>possibly do to please his wife and probably more than<BR>I ever should have. You were lucky to have married me<BR>and it will be your choice to leave. Just like it was<BR>your choices that have brought us to where we are now.<BR> I had no control over your poor judgments and<BR>choices, thus I know that your having an affair was<BR>not my fault at all, but yours. You were the one that<BR>took everything you had for granted and then stabbed<BR>me in the back. You were the one that wouldn’t stop<BR>having an affair and work on your marriage even though<BR>your husband who completely loved you wanted you back<BR>to work on things. You were the one who stopped our<BR>friendship and cut off our love and made up your own<BR>beliefs of what our marriage meant. I know how great<BR>we were together and I know your looking for excuses<BR>to make what your doing seem ok. I had the most<BR>wonderful years of my life for the 8 and ½ years that<BR>we were together up until you met OM. Those memories<BR>will never change and I will never look poorly on<BR>those memories. I know that we were completely in<BR>love and had the best times of our life together.<BR>My wife died the day she went sailing with OM for the<BR>first time. You changed and the person you changed<BR>into is someone that I would never want to spend the<BR>rest of my life with. The wife that I’ve seen since<BR>that day is not the wonderful, sweet, caring, loving<BR>wife that I married. This new you, that is completely<BR>caught up in an affair can stay gone out of my life<BR>forever and I would never miss her. It’s comforting<BR>for me to know that you are so different and to know<BR>that you were the one that made all of these poor<BR>choices, because I know that “you” are the only person<BR>that can make it right. I have no way of fixing my<BR>marriage and no way of finding my wife who died in my<BR>mind unless you are willing to try. I know it would<BR>be extremely difficult for me to even take you back<BR>right now, but I still hold true to my vows and they<BR>say, “In good times and bad”.<BR> As of right now, I still don’t want to see or talk to you unless you have business like your car insurance,<BR>which is up here soon. If you want me to bring Eb(our dog)to your parents for you to see him I will do that when<BR>your not there. I don’t want you in the house and I<BR>will take Eb to your parents for you once in a<BR>while if you want him for a couple days. Eb and I<BR>are doing well and he does just fine when I work<BR>overtime. He loves his home and loves the walks that<BR>I take him on everyday in the park and around town.<BR>My shift is also changing soon and I don’t really care<BR>for you to know my work schedule.<BR> When I gave you your checkbook and told you, “as of<BR>right now we’re separated” I think you thought I was<BR>telling you that I was going to go out and date. I’m<BR>not and never would. Even though we’re separated and<BR>your finding out whom you are through consoling, I’m a<BR>married man until I sign the papers, so I’m not going<BR>to act like a single man. I have a wife, someone who<BR>is lost and confused, but someone that I love and<BR>would never want to hurt. I’m not going to step into<BR>your shoes and look elsewhere for a perfect love. I’m<BR>going to try to hold out a while more and hope that<BR>the perfect love that I had with the perfect wife<BR>comes back. If you’re continuing to have your affair<BR>and acting like a single woman, that’s up to you and<BR>that only makes you look bad.<BR> I’m giving you until Nov 18th, to tell me that you<BR>are willing to do the following to work on you<BR>marriage with me:<P>1. You can never see/communicate with OM ever again.<BR>2. You need to be starting a new job where OM doesn’t<BR>work. (She's way over qualified for her job, only been there for 7 months now.)<BR>3. You need to go to marriage consoling with me.<BR>4. You need to apologize for all the pain that you<BR>caused me and tell me that you want to work on our<BR>marriage with your WHOLE heart.<BR>5. Agree to use the Policy of Joint Agreement in,<BR>Surviving an Affair.<P>This is the only way I believe that I could accept you<BR>back into my life after the mean, hurtful, uncaring,<BR>unloving way you’ve treated me. This is definitely<BR>the only way our marriage has a realistic chance in<BR>being that wonderful relationship that we both want.<BR>If by Nov 18th you agree to do these things, let me<BR>know by e-mail and I’ll meet you somewhere to talk<BR>about it. If you are willing to do these, I know that<BR>we will eventually be the strongest, most in love<BR>couple in the world.<BR>If you don’t let me know that you’re willing to try,<BR>I’ll start the divorce proceedings with my lawyer.<BR>From that point on, I’m gone and out of your life<BR>forever. I’m not going to be willing to take you back<BR>and I’m going to be a widowed spouse in my head. My<BR>life will move forward and I’m confident that I’ll<BR>find someone deserving of my love that I’ll be able to<BR>love with my entire heart. I’ll hold a place in my<BR>heart for my wife I had, but not the person she<BR>became. I will keep in touch with your family because<BR>I love them all dearly, but not you. God says I need<BR>to forgive you and I will, but I will never forget the<BR>pain, hurt and heartache that you have put me through.<P>It’s up to you whether or not I can keep my vows and<BR>with that I find comfort. I’ve done all I can to save<BR>this marriage from your affair and I’ve done all I can<BR>through the years to be the best husband that I could<BR>be. I’m a good man with a good heart who will have a<BR>great life with no regrets. I loved you and did<BR>everything I could to make you happy. If it wasn’t<BR>enough in your eyes and you’re unwilling to try,<BR>that’s your BIG mistake, not mine.<P>Ryan (That's me)<BR>

Did you send this letter to W? I feel the same way...underestimated and unappreciated. I've made everything in life so easy for H that he has taken it (for granteda) and trashed our life with his A. The OM is married. Does anyone advise for or against informing her unsuspecting husband? I'd like to, but am wrestling with my motives.... At least you do not have children. your moral fiber will ensure a successful future. I hope she wakes up. Se is behaving like a fool...

I don't know your story but your letter sounds more like the final goodbye rather than an invitation back. Maybe she deserves it, but you are blaming everything on her in this letter and she will likely react defensively. Like I said, I don't know the whole story so I can really analyze it beyond that.

It might sound like a final goodbye, but there is a message in there that it's not going to be easy, but I will hold true to my vows if you want to try. My wife knows that I've always loved her and she also knows that we had a good life together. She just thinks she's found something better on the other side of the fence. <P>We never fought or argued and got along perfectly. Her affair with a co-worker who was smitten with her caught us both by surprise I believe, and she just didn't know how to react and she let herself get swept away by the moment.<P>I don't want it to be easy to come back, because I don't want her back if she isn't sorry or willing to work things out. The only thing she really needs to work on is herself. Her excuses as to why we shouldn't be married were.<BR>1. I'm just not and never have been attracted to you.<BR>2. You were more just like my best friend.<BR>3. Your hours at work, we don't get to see each other enough.<P>1. How mean and low can you get. How shallow and I don't believe it to be truth.<BR>2. Yeah we were best friends, but totally in love for over 8 years. She just got chased by someone she found attractive.<BR>3. My work was a middle shift for 2 months before she started the affair and just switched back where we would have everyday together for the next 6 months and possibley ever day of our lives from here on out for the most part. <P>She's totally changed into someone that I've never seen in 8 1/2 years. If my letter came of as a final good-bye, I'm glad, because it will emphasis that I don't want the person she changed into back. I want my wife back. The one that told me she loved me everyday. The one I made future plans with that we were right on track for. I want the woman who grew up with me and not the Jeckle/Hyde woman she is now. I really don't want to struggle with a wife that doesn't love me anymore, so I guess I feel she is not coming back. <P>I'm plan B'ing it and this is like the last straw before I file for divorce. If she doesn't stop the emotional affair, I can't wait around forever or until she finds out that this really isn't the one or OM leaves her. She's made her bed and now she must lie in it or come back home to my bed where we will make it together. I'm not talking to her or seeing her so this letter for me had to make the statement that I'm not to blame, I'm holding on to my vows, and I'm going to be the better person no matter what. <P>If we were having any problems in our marriage, it was that we were just starting out in life, had been together a long time and maybe weren't talking to each other as much. We were just in the rut of everyday life. That rut is what you make of it though. My wife never said there was anything wrong in our marriage and she never complained and she never gave any hint of being unhappy. Those only came out when she had someone else pursuing her, promising to make her life perfect. <P>If your still reading, thanks, I guess I had to vent a little. My story was written only a couple of weeks ago and I'll bump it up if people haven't read it. Please continue to give me some feedback on my letter. <P>Thanks to all the MBrs out there that read through and respond to my postings. <P>Sincerely, <BR>FF63

I just read your other thread and the letter.<P>I'm going to be blunt, if you send this letter, she isn't coming back. You may as well not send it and just go file.<P>I know it feels good to vent, but please do it here. If you in any way want your wife back, you have to basically kiss her [censored]. Sorry that might not be what you're ready to do but you have to a little if you even hope to get her back. She didn't leave you on a whim. She has real issues and real pain she's dealing with. You need to understand that she's probably hurting more than you are. And to send her this letter you're just pouring salt on her wounds.<P>She is in PAIN! You have to be there to help her deal with it. You can't solve her problems, you can't say a single thing that is going to change her mind and you can't fix things for her. She has to do it herself, but you can be there and be her best friend in the world. When the affair ends, and it will, and when she's ready to deal with her pain, you are quite possibly the best candidate for a shoulder to cry on. Why throw that chance away so early? This could take you a year or more to get her back, so maybe you don't have enough stamina to wait her out, that's OK. But if you want her back it's going to take time and you need patience.<P>Seriously, if you haven't sent the letter DON'T! If you feel you need to send her a Plan B/Dobson letter take a couple of weeks to write it. Rewrite it over and over until YOU come through it. What you feel in your heart.<P>This is the woman you claim to love. Show her you do.<BR>

Sad-but-True<BR> Sorry to say, but the letter has been sent and she has her options in front of her. I'd love to be her best friend as she works through her past and feelings, but she has given that job to her new Love Interest or her OM. People I believe can have issues that effect their lives, but the way she cut me out of her life as a person to talk to and took up the relationship with the OM. The OM is now her best and only friend. I can do nothing else, but tell her the truth of how I honestly feel. I love her, but I'm not going to be kissing the [censored] of a cheating spouse. It truly will be her mistake. <P>It might not be the most inviting letter as far as bringing her back, but it's the truth and I can hold my head up having said it. <P>FF63

I was at work and had to cut the last statement short so here's a little extension. Why should I reward her terrible, inconsiderate, mean, hateful, unloving, selfish behavior with rewards? Like kissing her [censored] to get her back? That positive reinforcement for her negative actions would not be the right thing to do in my mind. She did wrong, she gets what she gets and it shouldn't come with extra foot rubs or extra [censored] kissing. Since this was only an emotional affair thus far, should I buy her a new car if she has a sexual one? I guess I truly don't agree with that idea. Maybe I'm just stubborn or maybe I'm to strong willed or something, but I'm not the person treating anyone like they don't mean a thing to me anymore.<P>I've given her the best of me and I've tucked her in every night. I've been there for her always to talk to and to cry with. It was her choice to pick someone else for the job. Someone new and exciting. <P>For me Plan B is not giving her an inch until she gives up her affair and comes back. I've told her and she's agreed that we could definitly and easily regain our friendship and relationship, but she's stuck on the storybook passion and lusting after one another that you read in books. People that have been together for as long as we have don't have that same passion and lust as a beginning relationship unless we work on creating it with one another. I think we could create it, she doesn't. She thinks it will always be there with her new father aged lover! Makes me sick just thinking about it! <P>For three weeks before she left, I plan A'd with the best of them, with few Love Busters. But as she continued to have the affair and refused to stop seeing the other man I had to go to plan B. I made sure that she knew that she could come back and I would be more than willing to work things out. She knows that the second she comes back, she is forgiven and that we can work this out together. But, I had to let her know that I'm not going to wait forever. You can only lay in the mud so long and get stepped on so long until you get back up on your feet and go take that fresh shower. Life goes on and I'll be the stronger person for it. Head up high, no regrets, and willing to give life another shot. <P>I know I'm writing a lot, so thanks if you read all of this. This is where I feel I can just let it out. <P>FF63

Just bumping this one up also. This was my letter that probably helped her think that we had no chance. Or, she knew that already. Any more responses would be great.<P>FF63

FF63,<P>I'm sorry to see you in this predicament, but you called your post a "Plan B letter" then proceeded to write a letter that has nothing to do with Plan B.<P>A Plan B letter is supposed to be a love letter, where you accept your responsibility for the current state of the marriage, tell your wife that it pains you to see her continue her affair, and that until she stops the affair, you prefer to have no contact with her, so that you can preserve your love for her until such time that she decides to work on the marriage.<P>Instead, you wrote her a hate letter, blaming her for everything, and telling her that if she doesn't shape up and come back on her knees, you'll divorce her on November 18.<P>I have no idea how your marriage got to its current state, but I assure you that your letter will not help get it back on track. I also don't know if you have read the basic concepts of Marriage Builders, but it doesn't sound like you have. Recovery from affairs usually requires the BS to provide the WS a safe environment to return to; your letter does not provide that environment.<P>I am not trying to make you feel bad, just to tell you that your letter was not a good Plan B letter. If I were you, I would seriously consider writing an apology letter in an effort to undo some of the damage. Although from reading your other post, it looks like she filed for divorce, so perhaps it is too late... .<P>Sorry,<P>AGG

In the end...to H*LL with the cheating spouse. I won't except any blame for her lies and cheating. I won't lower myself to kiss her butt or apologies if the truth hurts her too much. Her mistake and I can't fix a marriage where the other person doesn't want to be in it. <BR> As far as the Plan B goes, I take plan B as I don't want to talk to her until she agrees to do all those things or the marriage we would save without them would be worthless. She won't know what she had until one day it hits her in the face. The grass is to green elswhere right now. Give the grass time to turn brown and she will see her mistake. For some people I think they just need to fall right flat on their face before they ever see the ground that they are walking on.<P> God help the wife I married and forgive her. I will do the same.<P>FF63

FF 63,<P>Sure wish you hadn't sent that letter. If your marriage wasn't at the point of no return before she read that, there is a pretty good chance you are there now. <P>I don't know exactly how to characterize your letter, but It doesn't much resemble a Plan B letter. Your letter is loaded with love busting remarks. The idea here is to do love building things.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> <B>I won't except any blame for her lies and cheating. I won't lower myself to kiss her butt or apologies if the truth hurts her too much. </B> <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yeah, and you <B>WON'T</B> save your marriage either. That isn't the way love works sports fans.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper<P> <p>[This message has been edited by Bumperii (edited September 06, 2001).]

Love isn't going out and having an affair with someone either. Love is being committed from the start and holding true to your vows. I agree the letter was more lovebuster than come back, but if she couldn't meet those requests, it was over anyways. And there is no way I'm taking blame for her going out and having an affair. It might have been different if she would have said, "This and this and this is wrong with our marriage" before having the affair, but she didn't. She never said anything was wrong, AT ALL. We were even looking at 10 year anniversary rings 10 days before this all came to a head. Anything she says was wrong with our marriage now is tainted and false, because she's trying to come up with excuses to justify her rotten behaivor! We had a good marriage, never fought, loved each other. But talk to her now that she has the 42 year old manipulator who's 19 years older than her. My marriage was now cursed from the start. She's full of crap. There are better people in the world. I loved the wife I had and would have jumped in front of a bullet for her, but this new person in my wifes body can just fend for herself! I'm too good of a person to take someone back that's hurt me like this. I'm glad she was the one that filed, though I would have anyways. I'm too young (25), with no kids, to put up with having her affair in the back of my mind all my life. <P>You might not agree, but every situation is a little different,<P>FF63

FF63,<BR>I have several comments, but I'll try to limit myself to two. I can get long winded! You used perfectionist as one of the words to describe your wife. She had a 4.0 in school. That's quite an accomplishment. Being a perfectionist, though, is an unrealistic expectation. Life is messy and it's impossible to be perfect. I also believe it's impossible to get through a long marriage without ever being hurt. That too is an unrealistic expectation. I've read your posts, and what is conspicuously absent in your point of view is any recognition of things you might have done that left your marriage vulnerable to your w's affair. I too spent a serious chunk of time blaming my H for all the problems in our marriage. The anger and resentment didn't go away until I faced up to my contributions to the sad state of affairs. I'm not saying this to make excuses for your w's poor judgment, but I am saying it to suggest that whatever contributions you've made will follow you into the next relationship if you don't take a look at mistakes you've made too. Both partners make contributions to a marriage, whether the marriage is a success or a failure. Part of our contributions are our expectations. Being a perfectionist is unrealistic, and your W will have to deal with that (or not). I can only suggest that you too have expectations that are worthy of scrutiny so that you may have better success in relationships in the future.

Wow. Everything you said in your letter to your wife is EXACTLY what I would have said to my husband. I feel the same way you do about not cheating and still being married until the papers are signed. I really feel for you. I think we're in a very similar boat. The only difference is that, from what I gathered, you don't have any children together. Not that it makes things any easier. Adding a child to the mix makes things more complicated. I gave my husband the opportunity to work on our marriage and by not doing anything, he simply let things go to hell. He is, in my estimation, the biggest coward on the planet. I totally understand the need to forgive; God says we should pray for our enemies. I know how difficult this is and right now I simply cannot forgive him for the pain he caused me, our son and our extended family members.<P>Hang in there, FF63. You ARE the better person and you and I both will come out of all of this much stronger people regardless of the outcome. I know that I could never take the [censored] back. He will never change because he thinks there is nothing wrong with him. If you and your wife can work things out, more power to you. If not, believe that there is someone out there for you who will love you unconditionally and will have the courage to say NO if she is ever pursued by someone else. You deserve better. We both do!<P>toolateforme

No it is not a Plan B letter.<BR>My personal opinion?<BR>Don’t expect a good response if any. She will be extremely defensive.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>