Hello everybody!<P>Well, I'm back. But it's been a while. It's been so long that I even forgot my old log-in name (not to mention the password I used). <P>A tiny bit o' background. She had an online/then physical affair three years ago. After two years we were still working at it, then she gave up and left me without warning one day while I was at work. Came home to an empty house and two days later (on the eve of our 12th anniversary) got the divorce papers.<P>Said she wasn't happy.<P>Hell, neither was I. BUT we were working on it right up until the day she left. She said she saw no end to her unhappiness. I will be the first to admit we had fallen into a rut. I was working she was studying. My same old routine of dropping the kids off at sitter/school, going to work, coming home, fixing the kids dinner and then trying to find a moments peace. Her routine of going to class in the morning, studying until 10pm then coming home burnt out. But there was and end. When she graduated she was going to be a Dr! We'd have two incomes coming in. She would have "normal" working hours. We'd get to see each other again. It was only several months away.<P>We moved to Georgia so she could go back to school. I was perfectly happy in Maine. Now she'll become a Dr and I get nothing? Not even the kids? After I have been the one who cared for them non-stop while she was in school? Sounds depressing doesn't it?<P>Well, here's my dilemma. We're not officially divorced. And the year anniversary of her walking out is rapidly approaching. We still talk. We go out on dates. We even still have sex. We don't live together and that simply kills me because I truly love this woman with all my heart. I am tremendously bitter about the way things turned out and am seeing a therapist to help me overcome my feelings of abandonment and being let down by her. I really want to move on. As a couple or on our own separate ways. One way or the other so I can go on and begin to live my life again. Because this "on hold" stuff is killing me.<P>Sadly, you really can't know the true situation from what I write. I can only convey what I'm feeling and re-reading above is probably making a crazy situation even more bizarre than it actually is.<P>But it's a start :-)<P>paladin886 <BR>

Would it help if you were to be able to change how you view this? I assume that you want to remain married, and be happy, and all of that? Or divorce and move on, and be happy, and all of that? So, you have the married/not married thing that is 'in between' where you are, and where you 'want to be'.<P>You say that you are dating, and making love with this wife/non-wife of yours, and I assume that, since this is true, then you have some genuinely loving, tender, and meaningful moments with her still?<P>Then, I'd say that the major impediment <B>right now</B> to your 'being happy, and all of that' is your insistence on making the marriage a 'done deal', one way, or the other. If you just let go of that comcept for a second, you'd realize that you are getting better at this, you are still married, she is still working on it, you both still love each other, and this is moving in a positive direction...be happy already! It may work out, it may not....on the other side of not, you will kick yourself for feeling this way, when you should be celebrating your marriage,such that it is. God bless, and I wish you the best! -Mike

I guess you can gain some sort of perspective when you come back after a day a re-read your posts and any replies. The sad thing is that after another day, I feel no closer to knowing what the outcome will be. It's this "IN LIMBO" thing that is literally driving me NUTS!<P>It's been since the weekend that I got to talk to her. And even then it was "I gotta go to give my room mate back the car". Since then I have sent her e-mails, poems, and an, in my opinion, very beautiful card, that she should have received on Monday, but I have gotten nothing. Not even a Thank-you. (Since the break-up I have sent her over 50 such items and have received 5 replies.) AND it's not like she hasn't had any time. She essentially dropped out of school when she left and until just recently didn't even have a job. I have been going to Engineering school, working FULL TIME, get the kids from Friday Evening until Sunday Evening and then repeat. Yet I MAKE the time to make sure she knows I am thinking about her.<P>Why can't I have the same?<P>Now you'all don't know me. You don't know what I'm like. I'm not abusive. I'm rather intelligent. And I know a good thing when I see it. Our marriage was one such thing. Why in God's name does she want to throw it all away?<P>Why can't she accept the fact that she is worthy of being loved by me and that two people who love each other are SUPPOSED to support each other.<P>She comes from a very abusive background. I have tried to help her as best I could and when I couldn't handle the emotions that her past was giving me, I paid for her to see a great counselor. (He was the one we had seen after the affair.) And he seemed to be helping. Put her on something (Rx) and she was wonderful! Then why she stopped taking them, I'll never know. I gave her stability and with my help I have encouraged her to grow intellectually and spiritually. And because of that I get the shaft?<P>What more can I do? How do I find out the TRUTH after asking, writing, waiting and begging for it?<BR>

I know exactely the feelings that you are going thru. I have a similiar situation with my H. After having found out about the A, for the past 5 weeks or so there has been an "on hold" situation, and it is driving me crazy.<P>Finally, I asked what it was he wanted. He said that he thinks that "we're over, and to "do what you have to do". I'm wondering now, does he really mean that, did I push him to make a choice he might not mean? But yet, the thought of going on in limbo is absoulutely driving me crazy.<P>I have posted to others who suggest that this holding/finding himself/ and open communication, may all be a "good thing". But, I'm not so sure. I try to use Plan A and in the past couple of days, he's seemed to be receptive. However, I feel to prolong the process would be to leave our lives in limbo.<P>My plan is to file, and to move on. If he's that unsure, confussed, or still in love, he'll come around. If he's not - he'll move on and I will be better off in the end.<P>It sounds like you've done your best, and your W now needs to **ss or get off the pot - know what I mean?<P>Best of luck to you!