Well, Monday was it! We met, and after having confronted him with knowing that the affair was still going on, he said, "I think we're over - I've tried, but it's not going anywhere". When I asked him "So you don't love me anymore?", he said "I'll always love you", which I presume to mean, but I'm not in love with you.<P>He wants to keep things friendly. Through tears, he said that he didn't say anything 3 years ago at the onset of the affair, because he "thought things would get better".<P>He said he wants to be friends. Drove me to work so my car could be worked on, and says he's coming to a family party (my side) on 9/2. (he hasn't seen the family since this started on 7/18).<P>I just don't know what to think. I'm moving forward, starting to break up the assests, going to list the house for sale, etc. I just need some advise on the likelyhood of recovery at this point. He said "at the advise of his threapist" he didn't want to give me a firm answer because he was sorting things out. Meanwhile, he also said he was no longer talking with the OW (age 19), but that if he saw her, he may be able to say hello to her. Then, in the middle of this, I find his car in her driveway! Now that he's been confronted, he says I pushed him to make the decision and that we're over.<P>I've been using Plan A, and like I said, moving along with my plans - but does any one have any input on the probable outcome here. Also, what are the chances (in statistics) of a divorce and then re-marriage. I think he wants to stay - just not commit. Maybe therapy could fix that (?).<P>Any ideas?

In situation's like yours, I've known Dr. Harley to advise dragging your feet on any divorce action. Let him be the one to make the first move, if I were you I wouldn't even mention the word. Keep doing Plan A as long as you are able to carry it out well and pretend that those divorce discussions never even took place.<P>You have reason to be optimistic if he is really in counseling...maybe the counselor will help him to see the light.<P>Good Luck!

Wife of Cop -<P>Thanks for your insight - I have to admit, I too am (currently) the wife of a cop. If you have time, my original post is entitled "what to do now" - probally on page 2 or 3 by now, and it tells the whole story. <P>I have been reading your situation too. Sorry about the hubby hijacking your post over there! I'd like to keep open communication with you, because I'm sure we share similiarities.<P>To answer the therapy issue - he IS going, because he's on restictive duty (has to sign gun in and out), and can't be released from it until he's cleared by the therapist. At this point, the therapist gave her initial opinion, and rumors have it that comments have been made that "he'll be lucky to get his gun back in 3 years!" (could just be exagerating).<P>In any event, we have a 4 year old that he's seen 2x's in the past month. Says she's the most important thing in his life, but has no time for her since he drives 4 hours to PA in his off time to see the OW (like I said, she's 19, he's 33!) Last night - he asked if he could call me today after work, and if he could come by to see me Monday night after work. He says that he needs to talk to me regarding the therapy session he went to yesterday. I asked if that was a good thing or a bad thing. He said, "oh, no, it's a good thing - think happy thoughts, this should all be happy. I'm just trying to keep the waters steady and keep the boat moving along." (whatever that means!?)<P>He has still yet to say the word "divorce" to me, although he has told others that we are going to file for divorce and that we are going to keep this all friendly. He has asked how we are going to split the assests and such, and says he needs me to tell him how much cash he has per month to be able to spend.<P>I'm still somewhat in the dark, but enlightened to some extent. <P>Please keep posting - I think I could learn a lot from you. I'm going to re-read your post to see what insight I can offer to you - thanks cyber friend!<P>

Moving it up!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by arrested by the truth:<BR><B>Also, what are the chances (in statistics) of a divorce and then re-marriage. I think he wants to stay - just not commit. Maybe therapy could fix that (?).<P>Any ideas?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What's your husband in therapy/restriction for?<P>Your husband has obviously lost his way on the path of life and when he finds his way again, then he'll be able to answer your question about your future as a couple. The fact that he is in therapy for whatever reason is good. I don't know any statistics but there are quite a few around this board who have remarried their x and I know a few couples myself. <P>So for now all you can do is take care of your precious daughter and yourself. Only seeing her daddy 2x in the past month has to be traumatic on her. Have you seen any behavioural changes in her? <P>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by arrested by the truth:<BR><B>Thanks for your insight - I have to admit, I too am (currently) the wife of a cop. If you have time, my original post is entitled "what to do now" - probally on page 2 or 3 by now, and it tells the whole story. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I went back and read your last post and found a few eye openers, one being his other affairs throughout the years and the second being his constant lying. My H. also faked depression and lied constantly. He claims to have had only the one affair, but after all the lies, who really knows?<P>Anyway, after reading about those issues along with his current continuing affair, I think it is time for you to write the Plan B letter. You don't mention your current living arrangement, it sounds as though you are not living together, but are you legally separated?<P>If I had it all to do over again, I would have implemented Plan B immediately upon D-Day and I would have stuck to it (I did try but H. refused to leave our home). I would still hold back on any divorce action if you don't want it. His counseling may do him some good and help him to sort out his many issues. The problem with counseling and cops is that they know what to say and how to say it and if he is not there on his own volition that may be what he does to get out of it sooner-so be sure to look for positive changes in him. My H. says if he had started counseling last January that things would probably be much different for us now.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by arrested by the truth:<BR><B> I'd like to keep open communication with you, because I'm sure we share similiarities.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I am trying to cut back on posting so much because it seems to distress my H. when he is talked about in what he feels is a negative light, but I would be happy to email directly with you regarding your marriage issues. My email address is wifeofcop29@hotmail.com. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by arrested by the truth:<BR><B>To answer the therapy issue - he IS going, because he's on restictive duty (has to sign gun in and out), and can't be released from it until he's cleared by the therapist. At this point, the therapist gave her initial opinion, and rumors have it that comments have been made that "he'll be lucky to get his gun back in 3 years!" (could just be exagerating).</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Has someone other than your H. told you this? If I were you, I would want some proof that he really is in counseling. Don't believe anything he says at this point.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by arrested by the truth:<BR><B>He has still yet to say the word "divorce" to me, although he has told others that we are going to file for divorce and that we are going to keep this all friendly. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Mine won't mention divorce either, he keeps saying he doesn't want one, but the trouble is that he doesn't want to work on the marriage either. He just wants to keep my door open forever while he continues to have some resemblance of a life and mine continues to stand still like it has for the past year and a half. Don't let this happen to you. Get yourself in Plan B and if I were you I would make an appt. with Dr. Harley, he is very helpful even with just one session and can guide you on Plan B and the Plan B letter. He will offer you invaluable advice!<P>Good luck and keep me updated!<P><p>[This message has been edited by Wifeofcop (edited August 24, 2001).]

Lost - <P>Thanks for your reply! My H is in therapy because he was required to go if he's to continue to be employed. I do KNOW that he is going, the therapist actually called our house one day looking for him.<P>My whole story is explained on "What to do now", probally between pages 2 - 4 at this point.<P>Thanks for asking about my daughter - she's showing some signs of missing him. Occasionally, she'll ask for him or say she wants him - but not that often. The sad truth is that he wasn't much there when she was so he's not that absent now. The real problem is that she clings to me and cries whenever I leave. She's so afraid that I won't come back. It's about 6 weeks or so since he left, and I think the impact is just now getting to her - any advise would be wonderful!<P>How is your situation going? This whole idea of divorce plain and simply sucks - but we have to deal with what we're dealt - right?<P>Thanks again!<P>WOC -<P>Thanks for responding again! I'm going to check out the Plan B letter. We are currently living apart. Since the restraining order, he hasn't come back to the house, although initially I would have let him. As you see above, he IS going to counseling, just don't know how honest he is being.<P>I too have gone to therapy. Basically, the therapist has suggested that my H. has "compartmentalized" every aspect of his life, believing that one compartment would never affect the other. He says men think this way, but in his case he can't see the affects of one aspect upon the other. (for ex.: I have my wife at home, my job, my volunteering and my girlfriend. As long as I don't mingel them and do well by each of them individually, then all is fine - even if I have to lie to achieve this) He also pegs him as being an addict. He likes to drink beer, and his actions have suggested that he moves from one "thing" to another to get a "fix". A dry alcolholic is how he described him.<P>I respect your request to not post so much, so I will communicate with you via email instead. I sincerely hope that you can come to some conclusions for yourself. I give you credit for being patient for so long - not one of my better strengths. I like to know the outcome by yesterday!<P>Hope all is going well for you!<P>Thanks for all your help!<BR>

WOW, I went back and read your other post and you're a far stronger person than I. <P>Is your therapy going well?<P>About your daughter, that's a tough one. Children are very resilent at that age and I'm sure that she'll make it through ok. The only thing I suggest is that you offer her stability and structure. You know, get into those boring routines. She needs her life to be as predictable as possible right now.<P>My deal, well I'm divorced as of July 10th, and have court in early September for our custody battle. They ought ot sell tickets to it because it's going to be better that WWF. So no I get by day by day, healing a little more each day, taking two steps forward and one step back.<P>Have a good weekend.<P>Hugs, Thoughts, and Prayers<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Bill, sweetie, You do NOT do yourself justice!!!

Lost - <P>Thanks again for your words of advise. You, like the therapist, suggested the same things. He also went for the strict routine thing. The problem is that every day I'm thrown another curve ball and WHAMO!, there goes the routine, but I'm doing my best!<P>I wish you the best of luck in the custody issue. I'm not sure what the whole situation was, but I know in my case the H has mentioned that he wants joint custody. I can't imagine why. In the past 30 days, he's seen our daughter 2 x's, 6hrs. each time. Says she's the most important thing in his life. The therapist explained that to him, she is. The problem is that she the most imporatant thing in his "Daddy" life or compartment, not his 'whole' life. It's very confusing!<P>Thanks for the words of encouragement. It's not easy to be strong at a time like this. I feel I can 'justify' to myself that he's not in his right mind so much, therefore, it's not too personal. He's never said the mean things to me that others on this board have posted. His number one response is "let's just be friendly - keep things amicable" - I think he's so far into the fog he's living in the clouds!<P>Well, best of luck with the court battle. I hope things go well for you - children need both parents and they need to feel secure. Hopefully, the outcome will be in their best interest.<P>Thoughts and Prayers - <BR>