Hubby called today and wanted to talk to me again The only problem is that he was very upset : ( He said he got his dentist bill in the mail because I had previously given his dentist his new address and he also got a credit card bill in the mail that I also had forwarded to him. H was very upset because he thought that bill had been paid off. Before he left home, he told me to pay off the card and I sent the money in but he left a few days later so I stopped payment on the check because I knew that I would need the money for other things. He told me that he is very concerned about his credit because he needs good credit for his job. Remember I told you he is a poor money manager. Since he has left home, the only bill he has made is 1 mortgage payment and his compensation from his pay has been 10x¡¦s that amount since leaving home. He stays at a friends, and his company takes care of most of his meals, he gets compensation for his gas and his car payment and I don¡¦t know what he¡¦s doing with all of his money but he says he only has 100 and cannot make the mortgage payment this month that he had originally agreed to do. He¡¦s got a history of getting himself into financial disaster that I usually have to bail him out of. He gave me a little of a hard time and blamed all the problems on me, (nothing has changed) I had no choice but to defend my position a few times but I was very polite and didn¡¦t get angry. I explained to him my situation. I told him that I am in a dilemma too because I have no income coming into the house at this time and even when I get a job, it will only cover 25% of the bills. That is when he said he had to get off the phone. Figures. He had offered to cover 20% by paying the mortgage, which brings me up to only 45% of my living expenses, and now he says he cannot even do that. He has a true problem in this area and he has an addiction problem which I feel compounds the problem He is so irrational about money and how to handle it and that had a lot to do with our separation because we fought about it tremendously. How do I solve this problem without LB? Is it possible? Do you think that I should have my lawyer send his lawyer a letter addressing this issue and request for him to seek addiction counseling and financial counseling? I don¡¦t think until these problems are addressed that our marriage can truly work. But then again, I can¡¦t see him attending. Tell me what you think. <P>BTW, he called back 10 minutes later to tell me that he is still happy that we are communicating even if it¡¦s negative. He told me to have a nice weekend and that he would call me again next week. I wish it were sooner. ƒ¼ The one thing that bothers me is that he talks about us as we are already divorced, he says, ¡§When we were married.¡¨ Is that to excuse himself from the financial responsibility. He talks about the bills that he created like the mortgage, dentist bill and credit card as if it¡¦s a new revelation and it¡¦s my fault that he¡¦s getting them. He said that communication between us is very important. Do you think I should write him a letter explaining to him about EN and relate it to our communication problem or is that a bad idea? I need lots of advice here. Thanks <P><BR>

Katie, I've not got much time, as I have to go to work, but here is a thought...You stopped payment on a check...how much money did that cost you? So, you in effect...lied to your H, and made financial matters worse, too, and there is no because this, or that about it to him...and he is right. Call the dentist's office, and explain to them that you will pay it in a way that you can afford. The rob Peter to pay Paul method of financial management is an expensive one way ticket to divorce and bankruptcy court...been there, doing that. I need to stress integrity, and honesty here...they are your allies in this. Deception, and irresponsibility are not.<P>I am not trying to offend you, or to chastise you, Katie. The error of your ways seems evident to me, that is all. I could be wrong, after all. Been there many times, too. -Mike<P>P.S. The first paragraph was to Jacky) the actual thread name is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/004019.html" TARGET=_blank>OK, Dads - Or Boys then Never Grew Up...OFF TOPIC! </A> Maybe it will make more sense after you read a little of that.<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited August 23, 2001).]

Okay Mike, I need to clarify this better. We had a credit card bill of 1700 before he moved out. He had asked me if I sent the check in to cover it and I said "Yes" because I did. This all happened BEFORE he moved out. He left a few days later and when he did I know my husband and I know how he is with money and I knew I wouldn't see anything from him and I haven't. So I called the bank and stopped payment on the check so that I would have that money to live on. I didn't lie but I didn't inform him of it either until today when he called and asked. But at the time, he was so angry and beligerant that there was no talking to him about anything, let alone finacial matters. See my point. <BR>Maybe, when you get time, you can discuss some of the other stuff posted in this thread, I think Nina even left a question in this thread about our discussion. Talk to you later. <BR>Katie

No need to clarify, I know what you are speaking of. Money matters are the worst generators of LB and are so affected ny LB behavior, that is what I mean. We are not far apart here, what I am trying to emphasize is this: you have stated that they (meaning your H, and your MIL) ignore things, and hope they'll disappear...so, I naturally assune that the finances are really <B>bad</B> now. So, in my opinion, if you can make these financial worries less of a burden, they will see that as a good thing...both of them. You are, I am certain...quite right, and justified in your position in this matter, but...you are on the 'other side of the fence' right now. He has made this mess, too...sure enough, but that means that getting it fixed (or <I>running away</I> from it) means a lot to him now.<P>When you stopped payment on that check...did that keep him from using the card? Did you think of that? Did he mention that to you at all? BTW, you can tell your story to the credit card people, and ask if they have any hardship programs...they will reduce your fees for a while...seriously, they will...you have to ask, however.<P>I am going to type up what I have, and put a link to it here tomorrow night. -Mike

Yes, Mike as if this problem weren't complicated enough, the finances really put the whammy on things. It's a problem I am not sure how to fix - especially not without H paycheck. I could probably fix it to pay his bills and mine because I'm getting a job, - I'm used to fixing, I've done it before. The problem is this time, he's on a "I want to take control of my life" kick. He's taking control all right, he's driving 80 miles an hour into a telephone pole. He told me today that he doesn't have any money for food which is absolutely crazy. I'm actually after talking to him. I'm thinking to myself, how could he not have money? He makes a very good salary, lives with a friend, gets compensation from his company for food and gas and his car payment. And he hasn't sent me a dime. He should have a stash of cash. It makes no sense but this is just how out of control he is at handling money. He's been on a spending spree then when I talked to him today, he asks as if it's my fault that he has these bills. I was thinking of having my lawyer send him a letter requesting for him to go to financial counseling. I don't know, I'm back to feeling hopeless again. I feel like I have so many obstacles to making this work. Do you think they are too many?