Hi there,<BR>Well don't ask me why, cos I sure as heck don't know, but I feel pretty good today. DESPITE getting a letter from a hotel my h stayed at, that I didn't know about, DESPITE getting to the bank and finding I can only have half the money I needed for shopping, because he withdrew the rest of the daily limit already (in three separate transactions??? The second time he's done that, and all rounded figures so it's not the direct debit, he's using an auto teller...wonder why)DESPITE getting to my son's school and a little girl in his class came up to me and said in a BIG voice "Sam says you're getting divorced." DESPITE talking to Sam's teacher and finding out that he has been very teary nad emotional, though he's still doing his work.<P>WHY do I feel so good today, especially after yesterday and this morning? I asked myself this question, and the only two things I came up with is this:<P>1. All these things happened, and I survived. Simple...I didn't break down, I didn't really worry much about any one event...I pushed it away.<P>2. I was thinking about h's body language and eye contact, and so I browsed the web for more info (didn't get much). I tried some stuff today...I held my head up, didn't adopt a protective stance, tried to LOOK as if my world was perfect. Put my shoulders back, made eye contact with people I dealt with. And something from Oprah...I did a couple of random acts of kindness. And I FEEL better, I really do! Now if I can just do that next time I see h!<P>It'll be interesting to hear what Mike says about this!<P>

I was all set to fall all over myself congradulating you, and all that...and then you had to go and mention <B>her</B>! Next thing I know, you'll be buying a Dixie Chicks CD, and I will have Plan B you, too! My friend Dave and I play a little game from time to time...I miss it. In fact the OM used to play as well, but that is well beside any point I will ever attempt to make! Anyway, the challenge is to make up a word that fits a political theme, or group, attitude, and give the meaning. The last time we played (Dave and me, only...this was only a month ago!) I came up with Oprahinated, and used my XW as the sole description. I have a pretty long-winded rant on this, and it probably wouldn't play well in Peoria...I should know, its only 90 miles from here, after all!<P>It all really starts with the physiology...and you know that the reverse is just as true, you mental state drives your physical state just as much.<P>So, then...I'll ask again...when are you going to get that pair of jeans? -Mike<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited August 24, 2001).]

Hey Mike, I LOVE Oprah... So there!! And I love, love, love her magazine, O. Chew on that!! <P>Hi Nina,<P>I thought, after I read that great response to Paul, that I'd like to come on over and see what's happening here... and look at you! YOU ARE SURVIVING today!! Yea!!!<P>This is one of the most difficult (if not THE most difficult) things you'll EVER go through... sigh... not easy... and I hope that when all is said and done, you will be stronger (and still with your H, of course!!).<P>

Hi honey, you're home!!! You have been missed by this poster!!!<P>I don't know how I did it but I missed your first post to this thread, very inspirational, Mike, and SOOOOO supportive. I know all that you said, I'm getting back on the wagon, and I'm gonna go for it. After all, I didn't spend 17 years with the guy, and don't know what he likes.<P>And yes, I did have expectations about talking after dinner....but strangely I also expected him to say no. He is avoiding this talk, and that's for a reason...but anyway. I have been vey strong today...tomorrow or Sunday, I'm getting on the net to book the tickets.<P><B>BUT</B> don't you dare can Oprah...she was the one that started me on all these life changes just before I knew about the first A. Unfortunately, her shows aired about three weeks too late for me...the deed was done by the time I got to telling my h, and by then he didn't care....still I took some advice I got from her shows and I try to use it. Mind you, I admit, some of it is self-gratifying s31t, but, there are some lessons to be learned there.<P>Hey, the random acts of kindness thing really works...I live in S.A. as you know and I'll probably get a flaming over what I'm about to say from Pantha and Nowilltocarryon, but there is an enormuous amount of racial discrimination in this country, but I hasten to admit...from BOTH sides.<P>But today I saw the most disgusting act of prejudice to a checkout-chick at the supermarket...this woman was held up for all of five seconds and she really started abusing the (black) checkout chick..and talking to the woman bside her about how stupid THEY are etc. MY GOD I was embarrassed to be white. So when I finished getting served, I said to the checkout chick, in my forthright, in your face Aussie way "Have a great day....and try not to worry about old biddies like HER." You should have seen that girl's face...it was the LAST thing she expected. So I made her day and I made mine too....thanks to Oprah. <P>So the jeans....didn't get around to it this week after all, but h has the kids this weekend, early Sunday morning, and the stores are open. So I'm gonna have myself a spree!

Nina<BR>I'm glad that you think I've learned a lot. I think it's easier to look at someone else's situation and pick out the points that we miss when we are in the situation. It's a lot more clear looking through the window then being in the house! When I read your story the other day, it seemed so clear to me but when I think about my situation I'm in a fog Today I'm at my H and I guess you could say I'm jealous of my MIL. He's in CA with her right now. I've been worried that there may be an OW and I think that right now she's the one I have to worry about. She's got such control over him that I just can't understand it. I can even hear her words coming through in the letters from my H attorney. It's like he's is still thumb sucking and never got off the boob! Sorry to go off on your thread. Keep me posted about your H and if you go to Oz, don't forget to keep coming here.

Nina,<BR>I'm glad to see that you are feeling better Thanks for the compliment. After I made the post, I thought that maybe I came on too strong, but it came from the heart. It's a lot easier to point out the obvious in other people's situations. You can see a lot more looking in the window that you can standing inside the house. In my situation I feel like I'm in a fog. On top of being totally irresponsible with his spending sprees and bills, H went to CA to see his mom. She's back here all the time and his dad lives out there. He was supposed to be visiting dad (parents divorced) but he's with mommykins instead. Go figure! It's like he never got past the thumb sucking stage and is still on the boob! I can even hear her words coming through the legal letters I get from his attorney. Sorry to go off about my own stuff on your post I'm just really Pi$$ed off! Glad you are feeling better. Remember, stay upbeat, everything is just dandy when you see H - it's easier said than done. I'm glad that I didn't talk to H today because I would have LB. Don't forget to keep in touch if you go to Austrailia. BTW, did you check out the Divorce Buster website, what did you think of it???

Oppps! :0 I'm losing it here, sorry I posted twice - this will make it three times. I wrote the post, thought I lost it then rewrote it - well you'll really get it down and in two different ways.

Yes, Lucy, I am home! No, I'm not an Oprah basher, I knew her when she was the 'correspondent' at WHBF-TV...years, and billions of dollars ago. I am from Virginia, proud of it, too. One thing that I am not proud of is the racism. We have our own version of Apartheid here, and it, too is alive and well...imagine my chagrin...I am white, and male. Trust me, I gave up apologizing for that one long ago, with the most excellent results! I knew that I would not want to have stayed at my last 'real job' much longer, because two weeks before my demise, my boss...an excellent man from Ghana, tendered his resignation. I could not see working for anyone else. We did some very good work together, and I miss my brother, Kofi (he was born on Friday) like my own brothers, even more.<P>Tonight was the night, Jacky...remember I told you that this would happen. I went to borrow my friend's car. and stayed too long. The next thing I knew, they were in there. Everyone kept saying, you're doing great, she looks nervous. I did not have any idea what the hell they were talking about...talk about an inablilty to get perspective, I was <B>crushed</B>, Jacky. That [censored] would not even meet my eye once...and yes, I provided enough visual stimilus for him tonight, alright. I also made some loud comments outside about it, too. The people that were afraid to hear me weep did hear me weep tonight...I told them, it has come to your doorstep, you needn't bother running from it now. I was actually talking to OM's Mother when they came in...the dizzy #$%^& did not even know who I was, although her H did, and he (OM) <B>freaked</B> visibly when he came in...maybe I should've told on him? Here I am, and what do any of you have to say for yourselves? They were speechless...go figure! One guy spouted off about my XW, and I thumped him before I even realized what was up. OMIGOD, OM is really in for it, now...I cannot take my own advice, here...the worthless little $#!t, he couldn't even give me the 'Screw you, I'm with your wife' look...honestly...and her, she really pi$$ed me off, asking me if I knew about G's soccer match...she knew that I didn't. I refused to talk to her, and it was a MAJOR LB....but sometimes, I don't care any more than anybody else about LBs! Like Lynn, I knew better that to stay there, and I should've left, but...I'm told (sources suspect) that OM was very nervous, and said that he felt guilty...you know, now I want to kick his a$$ twice, that did not help at all!<P>...And to top it all off, I'm supposed to be making those friggin' donuts right now! Really, some days it doesn't pay to work three shifts, and not sleep!<P>I am not sure if I am being mollycoddled, but I was told that I put a serious bee in both their bonnets tonight, <B>but</B>, it seemed so...<B>them</B>. I'm pi$$ed at me over it all. The things she said...about not hearing her, and how I have to have it my way....don't I <B>actually</B> wish! Trouble is, I do hear her! The way she has been totally non-communicative about <B>anything</B> regarding the OR, and now to say that I <B>never</B> heard her? I <I>heard</I> what I thought she (didn't say), but she kept that on the stick, like a carrot...now I didn't hear her? This is too much for me, too sometimes...she doesn't even believe this bs! I can see it!<P>Anyway, I've gotta make those donuts...some are for the cops, who I need on <B>my</B> side...('Yes, he did beat that man to within an inch of his life, but have you ever had the donuts that he makes?...and you all laughed when I told you about the power of the donut...who's laughing now? )<P>So, yes, today was a 'big day' for me. Right now, I want about 1,000 little days in a row. Right.<P>We were talking about Queen Anne furniture, right? -Mike<BR>

(((((((((((((((((MIKE)))))))))))))))))))))<P>Oh, wow, I knew this was coming, and I didn't warn you. Last night I was going to write, hey Mike, you seem really down, bitter, etc, please listen to your own wonderful advice and pick yourself up and move on.....I didn't because I felt that I would offend you. Also, I don't think you would have seen it in time anyway.<P>When we feel like that BEFORE we see WS's, it makes it just about impossible to not LB, and the tools we know we should be using for Plan A just will not come to the surface. Normally, I have learned, if you feel bad, mad and bitter, you should avoid seeing them. You didn't have a choice last night...I'm sorry for that. I'm kicking myself that I didn't give you a kick up the a$$ after all, maybe it would have given you a little more strength in there.<P>Now, Mike, sweetie, you know what you have to now....breathe, breathe, forgive yourself for any acts you feel were inappropriate, and take solace in the fact that you DID put the two of them on the back foot. YAY for you!!! And talking to his mother when they walked in!!! Couldn't have been better staged if you tried. He'll be wondering what you said to her, won't he? And she will too!!! So just try to think of the positives in that horrible encounter, and BELIEVE that you did the best you could at the time.<P>When do you ever sleep???<P>

Last night, it was almost in the donuts! Thank goodness my boss called in a helper, she did most of the breakfast stuff, and really helped out! I made up for it by doing an excellent job on lunch...I am getting the pizza down pretty good, except I still tend to make thin crust/thick crust in the same pie sometimes!<P>Teri dropped in at the store this morning...I said good morning, but I don't think she replied at all...I can't tell with the fans going all the time in there. The most frustrating thing about last night is that she deliberately took it 'there', and he is such a wimp! My friend said, 'He feels really guilty, you know.' I said guilty is what you feel when you steal your Mom's change from an errand...this is my life we are talking about here...guilty? Funny how his sane sister calls him her 'stupid brother', and his BIL says he 'has no respect for him', and yet...neither one did anything at all to stop it.<P>A little distance has given me a fresh perspective on this...she is moving from withdrawal into conflict, and I am feeling comfortable in withdrawal now! I honestly got the sense that this is some sort of sophomoric game with them at this point...except OM, who is being a typical skirt chaser, except that XW doesn't wear skirts! -Mike<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited August 25, 2001).]

Well, you seem a bit better today anyway! I was off-line for a while cos I felt the need to meditate. I think I fell asleep!<P>Games, games, games...yes they play stupid games. It's our job not to play, or at least follow our own rules, not those imposed on us by them.<P>Someone is playing a little game with me right now. Once yesterday, and twice today, my phone rang...when I picked up, a dead silence, I say "Hello" a couple of times, and then there is a (seems to me) slow and deliberate click...so who? Him? OW? Wrong number played out the same way each time? Does it matter?<P>See this is what FIRST OW did quite a few times before she got the courage to talk....but for some reason I'm betting it's him. <P>Here's why...he phoned today, and mentioned that he tried to call around 5pm, yesterday, but the phone was engaged (true, I was here at MB, but I didn't tell him that). I said "5pm, hmmm, what was I doing then? I can't remember, was I out?" He said a bit gruffly, "Well it was either the internet, or the phone lines were down." <P>As if I never use the phone to call people??? AND I never used the net much when he was here, so there you go, he has been snooping, or why would he say that? Then he says, as if he knows he's slipped up "Oh well, it doesn't matter anyway...." So I think the anonymous calls were him checking up on me...I answer the phone as pleasantly as I can now AT ALL TIMES, just in case it is him, too, so if he's hoping to hear me sounding depressed, he's not getting any joy. <P>I could be wrong, it could still be OW, too, cos the times of the calls coincide closely with him going to rehearsals...so if it's her, she's worried that he might be here, and telling her stories. Either way I win, don't I? <P>Anyway, that phone call today went well; he was arranging times to pick up the kids tomorrow. When I got on, I said "Hi there!!!" in a really happy voice, like I haven't heard from him in three years...he talked about the phone call stuff above, and then how he's been busy with rehearsals for this other one night show, and how tired he is...obviously wanting sympathy, so I used my most sympathetic phrases and tone of voice, to show him I cared about his state of well being. Interesting that nearly every time he talks to me, he has some sort of physical problem...never asks how I am, so he wouldn't know if I had cancer!!!<P>Cheerily rounded off the conversation, and hung up.<P>I'm getting better at this!<P>I'm gonna have a quiet day to myself tomorrow. I'm going to buy those jeans, and do some necessary shopping, then I'm going to come home and play piano, jump on here to see if anyone is around - then skip over to airline bookings, then have a bath, and a beauty treatment. I'll skip the wine seeing as it's going to be during the day!<P>What are YOU going to do?<P>I am really wondering if I am becoming delusional at the moment...I feel so UP!!! Why could that be, things haven't been that great!<P>Good to know you're bouncing back!!!

Nina, if you expect a silent phone call, be hesitant in responding right away. . . . listen to the background before you say hi, see if you can hear anything, or maybe just keep the phone on mute to see if you hear anything or if they decide to say anything, and when they hang up, they will think that the phone call just went into a black hole.<P>meanwhile, listen to the background, gives you clues as to who the call is, <P>this is what i did when the phone answered and i didn't here the usual people type stuff, breathing, background noises, etc. and then i tried to listen and eventually, said hello, delayed, and sometimes i learned stuff, othertimes not!<P>good job btw, remember, its not about you, but him!<P>WIFTTy