<BR>I am new to this site. I am looking for someone who may be going or have gone through what i am going through. I am a 19 year old mother and wife. I have been married for 10 months. My husband has no respect for me. He is constantly hurting my feelings and shows no remorse. I am very sensitive, and very depressed. He has a problem with looking at other women, and tonight, while i was trying to explain to him how worthless and unattractiv that makes me feel, he slipped and said he wished that i looked like those beautiful and sexy women. To me it seems he is saying he wishes i was beautiful. My heart broke into a million peices. He says i need to work out because i am not in shape and to me that means i am fat. i feel he should love me regardless. I just had a baby 6 months ago and he wants me to be perfect??? I now weigh 145...though i would like to weigh less... i think i am ok.. until he makes me fell about 4 inches tall. I love him so much and dont want to leave, but i cant stay and be degraded to nothing. I am getting very depressed. My daughter means everything to me and i dont want to dissrupt her world, but i dont want her to see me unhappy either. Can someone please help? i need some advice.

I wanted to tell you I know how you feel. My Ex used to do the same thing to me, but if you looked at our pictures from high school, he was the one who gained major weight. I have stayed the same size since high school, which doesn't say much.<P>Anway, I don't really have any advice for you, except don't let this effect the way you look at yourself. I am with a man who says he loves the way I look and I would love to believe him, but now I am so self conscious. I try to hide my body from him. Please don't end up like me. I know with a baby it is hard to find time to exercise or to actaully have "time for yourself", what I used to do was go on walks with my niece and nephew to help me get out of my house, try to make it a habit, it also gives you quality time with your baby. But that's if YOU want to do it, don't do it for HIM do it for YOU. <BR>I'm a smart alec by nature and my first reply would probably have been if I looked like that "sexy" woman do you really think I would be with you. But, don't say that, it was just my attempt of trying to make you laugh. I hope it worked. <P>If you are happy with yourself, keep that going. Don't let him hurt you or take that away from you. Be strong and this too shall pass. I know I haven't been much help, but if you would like to, you can email me at yvonnemariem@yahoo.com. I know it just helps to talk to someone who knows and understands how you feel. I'm sorry I haven't been much help, but hang in there maybe you'll get better advice from someone wiser.<BR>Ymarie

yvonne <BR>thanks for your reply. yes you did make me laugh thank you. You have helped me to feel better just knowing that someone else feels this way. it is so hard thinking that if only i looked like someone else...things would be better. Now all i can think is, im not beautiful enough and he would rather have a super model. I am a very sexual person, but now i really could care less if he and i ever make love again, because all i will think about is , i wonder who he is fantasising about now. I dont even want him to touch me or look at my body. I feel so unloved i dont know what to do. <BR>thank you for your help. i will email you sometime. I need a friend.

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Holly<BR>Thank You for your advice. I will most definatly find that book. I know things cannot go on the way they are, but it is really hard to leave right now. I am only 19 with a baby... my job is only a part time...i cant get anything else and still care for my daughter...not to mention pay for a sitter. I want to go but i feel as if i cant. My mother cant even support herself, much less me and my daughter, and i am afraid i have no other family that can take me in. I know that things are only going to get worse and the only thing i can think to do is start planning to leave now. I have thought about putting money away and when i have enough, hightailing it out of here. But then there is still one more thing. I love my H so much i dont know how to stop. I love him to the point that i cannot see myself with out him. BUT i dont trust him, cant even stand him, and he hurts me so much. I no longer have selfesteem. I hate myself. I know these are reasons enough to leave. But my daughter is reason enough to stay. Ive gotten so bad i even make excuses to stay(IE: my daughter, I cant make it, etc...) <BR>I guess the real problem is loving him too much. He even says i love him too much. Is that possible. Is it wrong to love someone so much that you would do anything for them? is it wrong to want to spend as much time with the one you love? i have been with my H total 2 years 4 months, and i still have that feeling of a schoolgirl when he is around. I want to spend every moment i can in his presence... even when he hurts me. Am i wrong?<BR>I suppose the question is How do you stop loving someone so much? Maybe then, it will be easier to leave....

Raven RD,<P>I understand what you are going through. My <BR>W has done the same to me but in a different <BR>manner. It isn't easy hearing things from <BR>someone you love because it makes it all that<BR>much more painful. My situation is similar in that my W will go out with her friends, buy them gifts, always have time for them when they want to talk or hang out. She has<BR>called me a burden and I haven't received a <BR>birthday or christmas or anniversary gift in<BR>3 years. I wish that I could give you advice<BR>and probably the best thing for you to do is <BR>what I find myself difficult to do but you know it's like they say "It's always easier to give advice than it is to take it". Do it<BR>for yourself, on the outside and on the inside, for the true insight to a person is <BR>from the inside and the outside simply enhances that which strenghens the inside. It<BR>is a very rewarding circle. All I need to do <BR>is get up and do the same thing myself. I wish you the best and hang in there!

Just checking on you to see how you were doing. Post us real soon and keep us updated. Take care and we are here if you need us.

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

I thank you all for the advise you have given. Things were a little easier this weekend, we did not fight as much. And we had a heart to heart talk yesterday, that made us understand one another but he still does not see where he is hurting me. He REALLY does not see it!!! i cant beleive that someone can say such hurtfull things and not truly feel them. I really dont know. All i do know is, something has got to give. He has agreed to go talk to our pastor, even though he is not trusting in God. I dont know if he will go...i doubt it, but i am hoping and praying he will. He had a bad childhood and he needs to talk to someone and let it go. i think it would help us tremendously. And i do need councelling...only i cant afford it. Our phone is getting turned off after today because we cant pay the bills. and we are lucky if we eat day to day. i really wish i could go see a counceler. I need one. I have a hormonal inballence that i need help with too. <BR>I cannot make him leave because i cant afford to pay the rent on my own, much less clothe and diaper and feed my daughter. I just cant do it yet. I am not ready.<BR>Maybe one day i wont have to NEED him so much, but right now he is all i have that is keeping me and my daughter from living on the street. I have to NEED him... i have nothing else. He has put me in this situation, and then he complains about it. I have no choice on the matter.<BR>Thank you all for listening...it might be a little while before i can post again.

RR,<P>19 is young to be a wife and mother without truly experiencing life. If you were established already then it would be easier to leave.<P>You don't have to take the emotional abuse from your H. He sound immature to me and one day he'll probably grow up and out of that and hopefully you will be out of his life. You need to focus on you and your child. <P>You say you love him...Why??? Someone who loves you should treat you with respect. You had his baby. He should be kissing your feet. I know I have 2 of my own..very difficult labors. Learn to love yourself sweetie. You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don't let your H keep you down. Good reading for yourself. "In the meantime" Finding yourself and finding the love you want. By Iyanla Vanzant.<P>Take Care, Q<BR><P>------------------<BR>

Querida<BR>Thank you. Yes i know if i had been established first things would be different, but i did not exactly PLAN to get pregnant...it kind of happened. I am trying to work on my self esteem and so far, i have not gotten far. i agree with you about how he should be kissing my feet. I went through nine very hard months of pregnancy, and 16 hours of labor. He SHOULD be kissing my @ss.LOL. My daughter is the most important thing to me, that is why i have not just packed up and left. Beleive me. I have even had an offer from my ex.. he wanted to take me and Raven in and take care of us. Only problem, He lives with his mother, has no money, and i dont really love him that much. Not enough to leave my H yet. He (the ex) treats me so good when ever we talk and he loves Raven but i just cant do it. He is in worse financial shape then we are. i just dont know what to do. i appreciate your help. i will look for that book too. thank you again.<BR>Laura

Raven, thank you for your reply. It seems <BR>our situations are similar. My W also does <BR>the cybersex thing. Maybe what we are being<BR>told makes sense. I can see myself as "needing" more than "loving" and I lose respect for myself. And to add to the snowball, if I don't respect myself I don't <BR>truly love myself, so I look to others for <BR>love...my W. My wife asked me back after a <BR>4 month separation last year, because she saw<BR>a change in my self-reliance (which was really there) but I found that I fell into <BR>the needing and not loving very easily. Maybe part of it has to do with the fact there was no love in my family as I grew up.<BR>I raised myself and my siblings starting when <BR>I was seven. I made it out of that house and<BR>made a life for myself, and I found that I <BR>was "attractive" to others. I mean I'm no<BR>Sean Connery or Mel Gibson, but it's not all<BR>on looks I found. Personality and self-knowledge and belief radiates something <BR>that cannot be explained. I am at a turning<BR>point too. Although now we have two incomes<BR>life has become more difficult through the <BR>separation, I know what it's like to ask, "will I eat today?". And finally I said THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE. I am scared, I won't <BR>lie, but if things don't change I won't make <BR>it much longer. Well to make an incredibly <BR>long story short, I guess I am trying to say<BR>is find something you enjoyed in the past, <BR>something you felt good about doing, whole.<BR>Mine was music and exercise. It won't be easy, but if anything I want to show my children "love" something I never had. I have a feeling it won't be as enjoyable as it<BR>used at first, but at least it is a start in <BR>the right direction. I will check on you again. SMILE, if you're like me right now it may seem impossible but it feels good and does wonders for the soul. Or so I remember. So come on first exercise we will raise the corners of your mouth, up two three four five six seven eight. GOOD JOB! Now keep it <BR>up! Take care and keep in touch!