<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I have avoided talking about the kids with H. He sees it as a manipulation tactic...last time he left he told me not to bring them into it.<P>So it is a big LB for him. I am really concerned for our children, so the last couple of times, I have told him that they are missing him, I feel he needs to know that, because he only sees them when they are happy because he is there. I told him yesterday he was shutting himself off from them. He said "Yes, I know." <P>I haven't told him about their restless sleep, their tears, their feeling that he hates them, the sleep-walking by OS, the swearing, the not eating, the anger, the fear or anything else they have had to experience over the last seven weeks. I have not told him of my exhaustion dealing with all of this on my own (BIG LB).<P>So now I know very definetely to tell him all of the details is a LB. Should I or not, for the welfare of the kids and his relationship with them, or just deal with it myself? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>He has enough problems he has to solve, he doesn't need any from you at the moment. Also, he is a big boy, (notice i didn't say a man ) educating him is a big LB, do not try to educate him about what he is doing, he is in the middle of an emotional addiction, and he has to figure it out himself. He feels everything right now is right, and you can't change that, only he can.<P>How about this: <B> look at this situation as a big test of your ability to keep the household together without him, a big test to see how well you do without him </B>. . . if you get an A, he has a better chance of coming back to you. If you get an A, you also have a great start on your new life. If you get an A, then your kids will really appreciate it! Win Win situation, but you have to reprogram your outlook, as hard as it is. . . .<P>Remember the article i sent you? do not say anything negative to him, he can only react to positives,<BR>he will only comback to positives,<BR>he will only come back to something he is missing out on.<P>Note he was much happier when talking about the kids doing well, etc. only if he asks. He does not want/need to be reminded about his mistake until he is ready to admit it, and then deal with that. He also has the kids reminding him but just let them act naturally.<P>He will not come back out of guilt,<BR>He will not come back to a witch,<BR>He will not come back to a bunch of problems if he is a conflict avoider,<P>Basically, you need to avoid him, so that he can't have excuses that you are pushing him away. or, leave when you feel the urge to be emotional. Be as positive as positive, he certainly can't be, etc.<P>You will have to deal with the fallout from the kids back at Oz, with more support, back where they came from , where you feel more comfortable, etc. just do the best you can keeping them together, and yourself, and keep focused on what you need to do, <B> the move </B><P>BTW, he won't crack until the very, very end, or soon after the move.<P>FOCUS!<P>

Wow, are you a tough coach!!! Yes I know everything you said is true, and I've decided to not be here whenever he sees the kids for a while. You're right, I forgot how pleased he was when I told him how the kids were fine...and I have no intention of telling him that other stuff either. Why? Because it would push him away, and it wouldn't make any difference, and that would really hurt me to have it confirmed as an actual fact. And having a lot on his mind, yes, he's MLC, he has another person to think about, he KNOWS he is about to lose his family, but what he doesn't want to know is that he could change all that if he would but try. So I don't have a lot of sympathy about his worries right now, but I sure don't want to wreck any chance I have. So I'll shut up.<P>FOCUS - Today I did that ON ME and the KIDS. I spoiled them today, it makes them feel good to get spoiled once in a while, and that makes me feel good. I have been psyching myself up to go to the travel agent, but I also know I can do it over the net. If I do it that way, at least I can sit in the privacy of my own home and cry about making the bookings, rather than in some travel agency.<P>AND I know he won't crack until the end or until we're there. I know him...he'll keep it all in. That was a big problem...he kept it in all the time, and little problems escalated. A common fault I know.<P>And man do you have a good memory!

I was trained by one of the best here,<P>Karenna<P>she is 10 times tougher than i am.

I've never seen that name before.<P>BTW I posted on my I blew it thread about my day.. Have you read it?