The 6th of August my wife filed for divorce after her lover decided to dump her. I don't want to divorce her. I found out the 31 of May about the affair wich had been going on since last summer. I forgave her the day I found out thinking that they were a few indiscretions. She asked for separation the 11 of June. On July 21 I caught her with her lover at a Hotel. The day after she said that that wasn't going to continue and asked me to move back in and I naivelly went back. It lasted 3 days. On the third day she told me that she didn't love me and that she was broken hearted by her lover because she wanted to formalize her relationship with him, who is a Doctor that is going through divorce himself and has a little girl from another extra-marital relationship and he decided that his life was complicated enough to continue with the affair. I decided to leave after everything she told me. I don't want a divorce. I love her and my two children. We've been married for 9 1/2 years. We dated most of our college years. WHAT CAN I DO?

Hi. That's a pretty full post there! You got a lot out in a little space. I'll bet it felt good, didn't it? <P>Oh, what to do? You can <B>do</B> a lot, but this is currently more about what you <B>don't do</B>.<P>I would like to welcome you to the Marriage Builders' Site. It has taken a lot of pain, and suffering for you to come to this place, and seek some healing. God has called you here, hasn't he? Try this site: <A HREF="http://www.restorem.org" TARGET=_blank>Restore Ministries</A> The standard recommendation is to read "Surviving an Affair", and the contents of this website, and not just the forums. (If for no other reason, than the articles make the dialogue in the posts make more sense.)<P>As for practical advice, you can contest the divorce, but I do not recommend it. What you want is to get 'back to good' with your wife, and there is a great deal of 'love busting' in contesting a divorce, don't you think? You might want to start with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Basic Concepts</A>. Another place that might have some information that you would benefit from is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>How to Survive Infidelity</A>, or you might find a nugget, or two in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5505_qa.html" TARGET=_blank> How to Overcome Love Busters</A><BR>Read, read, read...Psalm 51, James, you ought to know these stone-cold by now, but read them again. I am sorry for your pain, I was married for almost 18 years to a woman that I still ache for, I know how you feel. Get smart, and try <B>easier</B>...I will pray for you, and your family! God bless. -Mike<BR><p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited August 24, 2001).]

Hi, RW, <P>I guess I shouldn't be the one to do this, cos I've only been here seven weeks myself, but welcome to our little cyber community. It's a good first step you have made coming here. There's a lot of info about what you can do and a lot of great people who have lots of experience, and they CARE about all of us here.<P>First, go look through all you can, the articles, the forum pages, particularly Plan A and B, Love bank and Love Busters stuff (articles). It will give you some goals.<P>The method here is not foolproof...it doesn't work 100% of the time. A lot of that has to do with consistency on your part, and the state of mind of your wife. We call that "the fog"...when they just don't seem like the person you knew.<P>Please keep posting, we can give you some support...I promise you, you will not feel so alone!<P>nina<P>

Like my coherts said, WELCOME, so sorry that we meet under these conditions. Have you researched your state laws about divorce? Have you retained a lawyer?<P>My divorce was final, against my will, on July 10th and I can tell you one of the only things I came out of that room with was my PRIDE. I feel better about the situation because I took the high ground and to this day I still show my "x" that she is loved. Doesn't change any of the facts but makes my feel better and it's helping me heel.<P>God Speed<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Thanks for your replies. <P>I was a workaholic. I'm a Pastor's kid. I am a music teacher, was a minister and had my own recording studio. Right now I am only teaching. I made the decision to resign to the ministry and sell my recording studio and all our properties to relocate, because I knew my family was being unattended. My two boys were getting use to being with their Mom all the time (she's a great mom, by the way) and that was one of the things that made me halt, besides the coldness of my wife. I never in my wildest dreams thought my wife was being unfaithful to me. When I decided to change my lifestyle last October I thought I was in time. We relocated to the Phoenix, AZ area in January 2001. I thought it was a good time to get a new start. I had no idea that she was head over heals with this doctor I use to call my friend. In May 31st, 2001 she asked me for separation and all she would mention was that she did not know what she was feeling for me and that we had gone through so much financial hardship in the past that she needed time to think. That same night my brother in law, who was the only one that knew, told me about the affair. I told her that night that I forgave her and that nobody needed to know about this. We could go get counciling and move on. The 10th of June she asked me to move out.<P>During this time of separation I have read Dobson books; "Her Needs; His Needs", "Surviving an Afair", Wheat books;<BR>The Bible, etc. I cannot conceive living my life without my wife. I feel like a part of me has been ripped off. We never had any major problems besides my disorganization of time and my money management. I have asked for forgiveness so many times but it seems she does not trust me anymore.<P>I have filed papers at the conciliation court of AZ to "buy time" and see if she comes out of the "fog". It gives me up to 60 days. I'm praying for her to "wake-up". She seems angry because her lover dumped her. My wife is not the same person. I pray for God to bring me back the wife I married 9 1/2 years ago. Should I just give her the divorce? I LOVE HER. I LOVE MY KIDS. I KNOW IT'S GOD'S WILL TO RECONCILE.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Reformed Workaholic:<BR><B>Should I just give her the divorce?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is only MY opinion, but if you don't want the divorce don't GIVE it to her. Divorce isn't something you do casually. It's not good for anyone. Sometimes it might be best, but rarely is it good for either person, especially if children are involved. If she wants it let her do it. Talking to a lawyer, filing out papers, is going to be very difficult for her. Let it BE difficult for her.<P>