This is an update for the two people I know are following my situation. There has been no progress. I am as lonely as ever and getting worse. <BR>No matter how much I think about all of this and try to rationalize it, I cannot escape the conclusion that this is my fault. No one forced me to propose to her. No one made me marry her. Perhaps I am the only one who understands what the word commitment truly means. She told me that she love me more than anything. She told me that we would work out whatever problems we had together. She said she would never leave me. It appears that she lied, but I don't think she did. I don't think she understood what commitment meant and therefore I cannot blame her for saying the things she did because she didn't understand the implications. I could tell anyone that if we were on a cliff and he/she was about to fall off, that I would fall off too before I let go of their arm. But...until I'm looking over that cliff and realizing that my life, my future would end then and there, would I really be willing to plunge too? Could I be expected to give a promise about something I know nothing about?<P>We both hurt each other in our relationship. I spent too much time on the computer playing my games. I looked at internet porn, even if I didn't beat off to it. I stopped spending quality time with her. She put her sex drive into Park. She ran off with her friends and "forgot" to call when she knew she was going to be home six hours after she said she would. She stopped cuddling with me and talking to me. I still did things around the house. I cleaned up the place so she wouldn't have to on her day off. I cooked almost every meal so she would have a nice dinner when she got home. I did the shopping. When we went out to dinner, we went where she wanted to go, even if I didn't really want to eat there. <P>It's tough feeling as if you were never good enough. It's even tougher knowing that you were good enough once but are good enough no longer. My self-esteem is shot. I struggled to listen to her and hear her when she told me that I was worth something and had value. I always judged my value by what others told me. I learned that at school as a child. Well, she's made it clear that she no longer values me and she's the only person who's opinion I care about. <P>I am losing patience, losing hope, and losing my mind. I try to talk to her, but without talking to her as a husband to his wife, I don't know what to say. I want to give her space, but I don't know how much. We have things that we need to talk about, but I don't know how to approach her any longer. <P>Without her voice to listen to, all I hear is what my friends and family say. Forget about her. Move on. She never loved you if she is doing this. She's spoiled. She's not worth all the pain and grief you're giving yourself. A constant conflict between my heart and my head is raging. One looks at the bitter reality that I am trapped in, while the other continues to have the hope and faith that things can improve. Neither is winning and both are tired. God gives me no sign. My wife gives me no sign. What am I supposed to do? <P>This is my life as I know it. As much as I would avoid it, I can't. I have tried in the past to run from things, but the faster I run the faster they catch me. So I stopped running. How in the Hell am I supposed to deal with all of this a second time? I have truly loved three women in my life. All three of them have hurt me, and each one was worse than the last. My wife worked incredible magic on me while we were together and happy. I was becoming the person I wanted to be. I can feel all that hard work coming undone. Old walls are being rebuilt and new ones added. I am once again becoming a [censored] because it is safer to keep people at arms' length. I suppose it is a natural reaction to fear and pain, which I learned as a child in school. Whatever the reasons, I am not happy about it but I know it is safer for me this way. I only hope and pray that my wife comes around before my project is finished...because if the worst happens, she will not get the easy, amicable divorce she is probably counting on. I will go for the throat and go down fighting. And that, my friends, is what scares me the most.<P>------------------<BR>Don't look back. You never know what is gaining on you.<P>

Lighten up on yourself, you did the best you could with what you knew at the time, now that you know different take the time to reflect on your life and make good possitive changes, let this run its course, life will get better and with or with out her you will be a better person for working on yourself.<P>

Our situations sound similiar. One thing I realized you can't force anyone to be with you. You have to give them their space. It's not about commitment it's about happiness. A person should not force themself to stay with someone who makes them unhappy. You can only stay committed to someone if they are making you happy. How long do you expect someone have to wait around? I made my girlfriend(ex-wife) so unhappy, I lost everything I had. I'm grateful to God that I am back in her life. <P>Only thing I can tell you is be there, bring up your self-esteem. Hopefully you've given up your habits. Take it a day at a time. If you love her the way you say you do give her what she wants no sense fighting it.<P>Cain

Wolfen, open your heart...<P>You are scared to, I know. My h felt the same way, though he'd never admit it. He was rejected a lot by his dad as a kid, and I think he felt that it was better not to love too much and get hurt...so he put up his wall, and I couldn't get through.<P>But you reap what you sow, and if you keep her at arms length, then nothing is going to change, except that she will become more distant from you.<P>You're army or military, aren't you? Your training probably teaches you to be unemotional...but not in your civilian life, man!!! You gotta kick down the wall you are putting up, and reach out. You sound like deep down you want to try. So try!!!<P>Open your heart...let her in.

Do you believe in God? I could understand what you are going through. My wife seems like a totally different person. I ask God what is going to happen. She already filed for divorced and is also requesting sole custody and rights to file our two kids under her name for tax purposes.<P>I asked her this Thursday "Why are you doing this?" See, I wasn't the one fooling around but just like you, I was caught up doing other things and was not there for her when she needed me most. She put up many red flags and I just didn't pay attention to them. We men tend to do this so often when we don't understand that women are so different than men.<P>I am praying for reconciliation even when she has already filed for divorce. If it goes all the way I will have to eventually accept it, but for now I keep up the faith and have had to acknowlegde my many mistakes by first and last name. I had an affair with my work. The passion would give me a rush. I would justifie it with: "I'm bringing the money home, so..." How naive of me. I have a wonderful wife. She's a great mother. Special friend. I want to remember her how she was and can be again. Her indiscretions were paved by my inconsiderations. I'm not taking the blame for what she did, but I have to accept that I did influence for this to happen.<P>Now I'm just growing closer to God. God is GOOD, all the time. All the time, GOD IS GOOD. I have to praise and worship him no matter what. Hang in there!!!

Yes, Nina. I'm in the Army. While the Army has tried to teach me to let things slide, I never learned that lesson. I would love nothing more than to let my wife in. The problem is that she doesn't want to come in now...if ever again. Case in point: Yesterday I drove 22 miles out of my way to buy her some dinner and take it to her at work. I don't like going to her work anymore because her co-workers give me funny looks and I had a confrontation with a guy there. Anyway, I brought her some dinner, a card I hoped would make her smile and apologize for me (again), and some CD's that she had asked about. I walk in and she was shocked to see me. Then she tells me that I should have remembered that she gets dinner provided to her on Sats. from work. I felt crushed that I was stupid enough to forget that, and also that she didn't even seem to want to take the food that she knew I'd gone out of my way to bring her. She did, though. Here's the problem... I asked her out for today. She told me to call her last night and we'd talk about it. I didn't expect it to happen, but imagine my total surprise when I called her cell phone and got her voice mail. That's the same crap that happens every other time I try to call her. She tells me to call, I call, and she never answers. How am I supposed to let someone in who treats me like that?<P>Workaholic, I do believe in God. This trial is testing the nature of those beliefs, though. Some things I'm prepared to take on faith because I have no evidence to the contrary. But I can tell you this, man. If everything happens for a reason, then God has a sense of humor and a bit of a mean-streak. God claims to be all about marriage. Couples take their vows before Him. Well, wouldn't one assume that God would give assistance in helping people keep those vows that are so important? I would think so, but I guess not. I pray, I believe, I hope. I see no indication that I should continue to hope. I see no reason to think my prayers are even being heard. So why will I continue? Faith, stubborn pride, fear, overwhelming love, and the fact that I simply have nothing better to do.